See how relaxed the woman in this picture looks? When your entire body relaxes that way, all your stress melts, and your muscles begin loosening it is a great feeling. Until your body gets a little too relaxed. The dim lights, soothing sounds of waterfalls, and quiet music make for such a peaceful environment. It’s almost like being in a library, only more serene and low-key. It’s the last place you want to let one rip. I’ll put it out there right away that I didn’t actually fart on the massage table, but it took quite a bit of willpower not to.
Let me back up a bit. Yesterday I had a massage. It was part of a Groupon deal at a chiropractor that was set up about a month ago. The timing couldn’t have been better. After the lie discovery I could use a little quality “me time.” I also decided to give the 180 a real try for the first time. I found it a few months back, around the same time as our D-Day antiversary. I wasn’t ready to implement it at the time because I still wasn’t focused on myself and my own happiness. I was too wrapped up in everything he was doing, saying, feeling, etc., etc. Since then I have used some of the techniques during a few arguments, but not consistently. I had some success the times I did implement it, but ultimately I would end up losing my temper or being drawn back in far too easily. This time I’m going to try to do it right.
So, back to yesterday. During the day I stayed busy at work. We didn’t have very much contact at all, and I didn’t initiate anything. He texted me at lunch and said:
“Another in the line of the many days after I have caused in which both of us are asking ourselves why? With no good answer to that question only more uncertainty about where we are headed. I am afraid and angry at me. I sit here broken and fearful that I am not fixable. For all I have done and all the hurt I have caused us both I am very sorry.”
Normally a text like that would have caused me to gush all over him – tell him that I know he is scared, reassure him, tell him I love him, say that I think he is fixable, and try to make him feel better. I did all of that out of a place of wanting to help. However, it really didn’t help either of us because I can’t fix it. It is also his job to figure out his why. I do love him, and I don’t want him to be afraid and angry – but I can’t fix it. I fear that he isn’t fixable sometimes, too. I am not going to give up on him or our marriage right now, but I can’t fix it. I want him to feel better, and I do want him to get help. But I can’t provide that for him. So this time I responded by saying simply:
“I can accept your apology. I do not have the answer to the questions, though. Those are yours to find.”
That’s it. I had already told him that I feel like he needs to work on those issues in therapy. I already told him that I would like him to go to SA more regularly. I already told him that I can’t sleep in the same bed with him until I see him making real efforts and I feel safe again. That’s all I really can do.
After work I headed over to my massage appointment. I had told him about it back when I set it up and again last week when I remembered I would have to cancel my normal chiropractor appointment to make it. I didn’t notify him of where I was going. I wasn’t even planning to get in touch with him at all. Then one of the guys I work with let me know that he would be dropping a dog house off at my house that evening. We had talked earlier in the day and his mother, who lives in my neighborhood, was getting rid of a really nice wooden shingled dog house. Since we have 3 dogs he asked if I wanted it. I said definitely because I have always wanted one like that but they are expensive. Since I was going to the massage, though, I wouldn’t be home when he dropped by. I told him I would let my husband know because he should be home. I then sent Mr. Mess a quick text that said:
“A___ from work will be dropping off a doghouse at some point soon. I may not be home yet so just wanted to let you know.”
Once that was done I drove over to the massage appointment and decided to leave my phone in the car. He hadn’t texted back yet, and I really didn’t want any distractions during my hour of being pampered. Once the massage began I immediately felt relaxed and relieved. I let myself drift off a bit, not think about anything, and just feel the sensation of the massage therapist kneading my muscles. Having someone massage your neck, shoulders, and head is fantastic. It is like the shampoo you get at the hair salon, only better. When she turned me over and started massaging my feet, calves, and legs is when I really felt my tension fading. It’s also when I felt the gas trying to escape. Eeeek!
As I laid there suddenly tense again trying to hold in a fart during one of the most serene and relaxing moments I have experienced lately, I almost started laughing. It really was funny. I saved myself from embarrassment when the urge passed, but it got me thinking. There really is humor everywhere in life. Instead of getting wrapped up in the drama and pain of the lie my husband told me I was laying on a massage table holding back gas and laughter. It really is such a better option. My day ended up pretty darn good. Excellent even!
After the massage was over, I headed out to my car to find several text messages from my husband. Here they are in order:
“Ok see you when you get home. What is the dog house for?”
“Im going to food lion to pick up a few things do you want anything?”
“Im not sure what your message means. Are you still working or is it something else.”
“Im going to [my brother's house] you dont have to stay away from your home because of me.”
Wow… That 180 thing seems to be working already! This is a man who doesn’t feel the need to tell me when he changes plans. We got into an argument recently when he came home 2 hours late from work on a night when he had school and a test he hadn’t studied for (with the books sitting on the table) and no phone call. He thought it was no big deal and I shouldn’t have been concerned at all. Now I can’t even be out of contact for a 1-hour massage without him becoming Mr. Needy? I shot him back a reply that the dog house was for the dogs and I was just finishing up a massage. I left it at that.
My plan was to swing by the tattoo parlor on my way home and look into a face piercing I think is super sexy. A picture of the look is to the left. I couldn’t get it out of my mind after seeing it on Avery from Around the World in 80 Plates. I was going to stop by and ask them about the process and cost. My plan was to just go for it. Unfortunately, they were closed. Apparently they have weird hours on Mondays and close super early. Oh well…
Once I got home Mr. Mess acted like nothing had happened. He came home from visiting his brother, who recently broke his leg, and just started making dinner. We ate together, and I was perfectly polite. I answered the questions he asked about my day with short, to the point replies. I was positive and happy. He was more than content to just pretend not a thing was different. When it came time for bed, though, I went to the bedroom, closed the door, and he stayed on the couch. Today we also haven’t had much contact at all. Again, my day was perfectly happy and peaceful. When I get home today from the chiropractor he will be off at school. So far, I’m liking the 180 quite a bit. He will either take care of himself, go to counseling, and SA or he won’t. I will just keep enjoying my life in the meantime.
Note: I looked into the face piercing today and found out it is called a microdermal piercing. They are apparently permanent. If you want to take them out it requires a scalpel. As adorable as I still think they are, I’m gonna have to opt out of that one. I’m seriously considering a nose ring, though. I may just stop by on my way home tonight and get it done!