I’m Getting Tired of Talking About Lying

28 Oct

This time the lie I uncovered was another long-term one. Remember my post about Judge Judy? It turns out that the “truth” I uncovered then was just another lie. I didn’t share the entire story then, and I’m honestly feeling exhausted thinking about telling it now.  You will probably be exhausted, too, after reading it all.  I suppose that I need to for my sanity, though, to clear my head and get everything out there so I can’t delude myself again.

It all started in July of 2011.  My husband was fired from his job.  As far as I know, he was fired for being sloppy (not cleaning up his work truck) and having a bad attitude. There was a little more to it, but it doesn’t really relate to this story. After he lost his job it was important that he have insurance because he also had a surgery the week after he was fired. His previous health insurance was good through the end of the month, but he also had follow-ups and other things health-wise that needed to be taken care of. Plus, I am a huge believer that everyone needs health insurance. You just never know what might happen.

Naturally, we went ahead and added him to my insurance at work. It was a much better deal than anything he could get on his own, and it was convenient to just have it come out of my check. We worked out a budget together to compensate for his lack of a job and the additional money coming out of my paycheck. It was a little tight, but we were actually doing just fine. In October he got a new job, and told me that he would be eligible for health insurance in 3 months.

Things at that job progressed, but not as well as he had hoped. He had just barely 32 hours per week due to his school schedule, which they worked around for him. The building he was working at was also being shut down, so he was going to transfer to another building with a different manager. He said that he made sure to talk to the HR people about the insurance situation so that he would still be eligible. He assured me that he would be.

In January at the end of the 3 month period, I asked about the insurance situation. We were planning to compare the pricing through his work to the pricing through mine to see what the best option would be. He told me that he wouldn’t be eligible until February – eligibility begins on the 1st of the month after 3 full months of employment, and he started in mid-October. That made sense since that’s how we do it at my work.

Then February came, and no insurance… He told me that he dropped the ball. He had forgotten to talk to the HR department to get the paperwork, fill it out, and get it back on time. I was disappointed, but that is my husband. He is horribly lazy about things like that. It was his responsibility to take care of everything, and he didn’t. I wasn’t pleased, but I wasn’t surprised. I asked him to get the pricing and information so that we could compare it together and make a decision. He said he would. Of course he didn’t.

As March approached, I still hadn’t seen anything about the insurance. I didn’t want to nag, so I only mentioned it once. He said he had the information at work, but kept forgetting to bring it home. Then March was here, and there was no extra time. He called me and said that he looked at everything and it was better for him to go through his work. He said that he had to get the paperwork in, so he was going to fax it from his job. I said that is fine with me – he should take care of it.

He told me that the new insurance was going to be the same as the insurance he had through his old company – United Healthcare.  That was doubly fantastic.  You see, his individual therapist was part of the United network, but not Anthem, which is what I have through work.  That meant we would save money twice – cheaper insurance and no more $90 a week out-of-pocket expense for his therapy session.  Yay!  This letting him take care of things seemed to be working out really great.

Around mid-April or early May I started feeling like something was off.  It is something one of my readers dubbed a “knowing” (you can read about that here).   No matter what I did I couldn’t shake that feeling… BUT things seemed to be going so well, so I tried to push that feeling away.

My “knowing” was not to be ignored, though.  Sometime around this point I found charges for several hundred dollars on our joint account from a company I didn’t recognize.  After some research I discovered it was an online health insurance company.  I was completely confused…

Mr. Mess spun some story about looking for health insurance through his school in January when he was uncertain what would happen at work.  He said that he signed up for health insurance through a company, then changed his mind the next day after speaking to someone at work.  He claimed that he called and cancelled, and he had no idea why they would be charging him now, several months later.  He called the company and told me that the woman he dealt with was gone, and someone else had taken over her accounts.  He claimed someone found his application, saw it wasn’t processed, and put it through (without calling or verifying anything with him first).  Once he explained that he had cancelled, they agreed to refund his money.  Sure enough, the money did come back.

Still, I was hurt and felt betrayed that he would make a decision like signing up for insurance without talking to me at all.  The other crazy thing is that it was MORE expensive than the health insurance through my work, so it didn’t even make sense.  He rationalized that he was going to tell me, but then he cancelled it before anything happened so he figured it didn’t matter.  Huh…?

I also started noticing that my husband’s story about his copay kept changing.  First he told me the copay for therapy was $30 (the same as mine), then he said it was $35.  Either way, we decided to change our marriage counseling over to my insurance while he was waiting for his new insurance information.

It took us a few weeks to come to that decision and probably another one or two to get it taken care of because we see our therapist on Saturdays when no one is in the office.  That meant there were still a few sessions under his expired insurance that had to be resubmitted to his new insurance.  That created a bit of a problem for me because they kept trying to charge me for those sessions that should be going through his new insurance company.  We finally got things clarified with that so my account and his were separate, and I just had to pay for the sessions moving forward.

Part of the delay in getting the old charges taken care of (according to my husband) is that he hadn’t gotten his new insurance card yet.  He told me when it was supposed to be mailed, and since it hadn’t come he was trying to get with the HR department to have the card resent and get a temporary one in the meantime.  He said he would take care of it, so I trusted that he would.

Then I found more money discrepancies… charges for about $155 or so from his therapist’s office split over several different payment methods.  First he said that he was paying a past due bill plus his copay.  The numbers he gave me just did not add up.  His copay amounts kept changing.  The past due amount kept changing.  It made absolutely no sense to me.  That is when I relied on Judge Judy’s wisdom and told him if it didn’t make sense it wasn’t true.

He kept lying for a bit, then finally admitted that his therapist was NOT covered through his new insurance.  He said that he thought it was United Healthcare, but it was really US Health (or something like that).  When he found out he had been mistaken he was worried that he told me the wrong thing.  He said that he panicked and lied about it.  We talked about it extensively in therapy.

The unpaid back bills from our joint therapy sessions also remained an issue.  He would tell me that he was going to take care of it.  He kept not taking care of it.  At the beginning of July he lied to me about it, then admitted his lie when I pushed a little bit (I talked about that here).  Week after week passed with excuse after excuse until I just stopped asking.  It was his bill.  It was his credit being ruined.  I decided to just let him worry about that bill on his own.

It didn’t come up again for a few more weeks, at the end of July, when our therapist asked about it.  I mean, seriously, these bills were from March or April (I really can’t remember the month, but it was a while back).  He was going to be out to deal with prostate cancer for about 6 weeks.  He asked that my husband make a point of taking care of the bill during that time because he doesn’t get paid if he doesn’t work, so having that money come in would be helpful.  Mr. Mess promised he would take care of it and ensure the office had his new insurance to submit those old charges to.

Again, the matter fell off of my radar.  Then we had the issue with him not taking his meds in August (that story is here).  He got gout in September.  Finally, there was the STD testing fiasco (the very long story of that is here).  That was the last straw for me.  I asked him for a separation.  He has been out of the house now for 2 weeks.

This past week a bill came for an X-Ray he got in September when they were diagnosing his gout (and ruling out other possible causes).  It clearly stated that there was no insurance company to submit the charges to.  Suddenly it all clicked.  MY HUSBAND NEVER GOT HEALTH INSURANCE!!!

Everything for at least the past 7 months has been a lie.  I can’t even count the number of times he has lied to me about this subject.  The above summary is only the beginning.  I don’t even know when the lying started.  In March when he said he submitted the information?  In January or February when he should have been eligible?  As far back as October when he first got the job and told me he would eligible for insurance in 3 months?

I think back on all of the times he lied, and I feel empty inside.  In marriage counseling more than once.  In bed when we talked at night.  When he was telling me the “truth” about his new health insurance company.  All the times he was reassuring me that he cares about me, wants to be 100% honest, and is committed to earning my trust.  It was all a farce.  He even looked a man in the face who was worried about his upcoming cancer operation and lied to him.  Shamelessly.  How low can you go?

I really don’t know.  I’m sure it can and probably would have gotten much worse.  I don’t know if he can ever change.  I do know that I am SO over talking about lies.  I’m tired of being lied to.  I’m tired of wondering what is the truth.  I’m done expending any more emotional energy on this topic.  Either he figures it out and fixes it, or he doesn’t.  I don’t even know how I will ever be able to tell.

What I do know is that I will not accept lies as a regular part of my relationship anymore.  I’m done believing in his “higher potential.”  I am not going to let my optimism cripple me anymore.  My eyes are wide open.

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14 Responses to “I’m Getting Tired of Talking About Lying”

  1. Stacia October 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm #

    All I can do is offer (((hugs))). Lying….is bad. Trust is so hard to get back once its been broken. xoxo

  2. The "ME" Project October 28, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

    Oh, dear…there’s a saying about pearls and swine I think might be appropriate here…I don’t want to be mean, but you really have done all you can do, hon. You are such a smart girl. It shouldn’t have to be this hard for this long. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and send lots of healing energy your way. ( I’d say I’ll pray for you, but with your atheism and all, wink wink).

  3. Samantha Baker October 29, 2012 at 7:22 am #

    This still makes me so angry for you. SO angry. I just don’t get it.

    • beautifulmess7 October 29, 2012 at 7:26 am #

      I don’t get it, either. Who lies to get rid of health insurance? I’m .net even angry, just tired of it.

      • Samantha Baker October 29, 2012 at 7:29 am #

        I know right? It’s the fact that he lies about everything. Not just SA or infidelity (not that the type of lies matter really.) But EVERYTHING. And like you said and when we talked about this last week, who would do that to someone who’s got to go on leave with cancer???? It just blows my mind!!!! It’s like he’s got a pathological need to lie about everything. The smoking, the color of the sky, whatever.

        It’s just infuriating and I’m on the outside. I completely undrestand why you’re exhausted from it all. I am. I was going to text you yesterday and ask if you had MC saturday and how that went.

  4. Jorge@castimonia.org October 29, 2012 at 8:45 am #

    It’s called the “Amazing Lie-O-Matic”. You can’t expect an addict who has been lying for 30+ years to stop lying over night. It takes progress and positive feedback from telling the truth when he does tell it. Also, polygraphs help keep an addict honest.

    • beautifulmess7 October 29, 2012 at 10:20 am #

      I don’t think I want a life where I have to give my husband regular polygraphs just to know he is being honest.

  5. Our Journey After His Affair October 29, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    He needs to learn how to face the truth like a man and stop lying in order to live up to others’ expectations. He sounds like my husband and just needs to admit that he is highly irresponsible.

    It is very frustrating, I know, since you and I both are Type As.
    Simply said, he needs to own his shit.

  6. emotionaltornado October 29, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

    I cannot say how much I agree on how tired I am of the lies. There have been so many lies. It seems there is another one. Something doesn’t add up and my mind starts dwelling on it because it doesn’t make sense. No wonder I feel like I’m losing my mind.
    Will any amount of pain make them stop?

  7. highpriestess0713 October 30, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    I am also a sex addict, and I just wanted to tell you my personal experience. This might help or not. It’s easy for my to be honest about my sex addiction stuff, because I have completely accepted that I have a disease that was unmanageable and ruling my life. Admiting to lies that aren’t about sex specifically is infinantly harder. I know lying was engrained in my growing up, and it is going to take time to change that habit of habitually lying, but it’s embarassing and frustrating for me. I can’t imagine what it’s like for my husband. Reading this has given me some insight though. Thank you for sharing :)

    • beautifulmess7 October 30, 2012 at 11:20 am #

      I can empathize with you. I don’t think you or my husband are horrible, terrible, evil people. I can even understand patterns of behavior that are hard to change. I get that it could be easier to admit some things than others. I can even imagine how frightening and depressing and guilty the whole thing could be for you.

      I’m just at the point where 5 years of it is enough. I literally cannot handle it anymore. The lying is completely unacceptable to me right now. About ANYTHING! I’m fairly certain that if my husband lied to me right now about anything at all something inside of me would break forever. Maybe it already is.

  8. StrongerMe November 7, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Oh, sister, I lived that life for so long. It makes your head spin. I have been divorced for 4 years and sometimes another lie is exposed and I go through the same shock again. It was all a lie. From the beginning on…
    Sometimes, I trick myself into thinking that he is happy with this new girl and moving on successfully. Then I remind myself that he lied about things before we were even married (that I didn’t know about) and that even when it was a time that I thought he was healthy, he wasn’t. And no therapy means no change, so I guess I shouldn’t worry.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. There’s No Coming Back From the Dead | Being a Beautiful Mess - February 27, 2013

    [...] I wrote in my post, I’m Getting Tired of Talking About Lying, I got to a point where I was tired of being lied to, tired of wondering what was the truth, and [...]

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