Taking My Time

11 Apr

So this is a blog where I talk about marriage, infidelity, the complexities of relationships, and all of my swirling emotions about the former topics.  At this point I’ve had 5 posts that touch on various parts of how I am feeling.  In the last two days I’ve talked about the story of when I first met my husband, a quick overview/ snapshot of how I got here, and the 1 year anniversary of D-Day – that final moment when I drew a line in the sand and we started really changing our marriage.  You might be asking yourself why I haven’t told my entire story yet.  If you are anything like me you want to know all in the gory details.  I don’t blame you.It’s human nature, as twisted and morbid as it sounds.  Everyone cranes their necks as they go by a car wreck trying to see what happened, hoping no one was seriously hurt, at the same time looking for the crushed metal and broken glass.  I’m not judging you.  There is something perverse about destruction that draws us in.  We want to see.  We want to know.  We want to find something that convinces us it couldn’t happen to us or think about how lucky we are that we’re okay.  Sometimes we just want that nice adrenaline rush like at a NASCAR race when you see a car crash into the wall or burst into flames.  Don’t say you don’t know what I mean.  Other times it comes from a place of true compassion.  We want to connect with other people who are hurting, help them feel better, and sooth ourselves in the process.

No matter your reason, I understand the desire to know more details about what really happened in my marriage.  After all, I did start this blog and offer up my innermost thoughts and feelings.  Last night I actually laid in bed asking myself why I haven’t done it yet.  I came up with a few reasons, some more valid than others.  Here they are in no particular order:

Depression.  After a night of digging around the message board while my husband was at school I finally admitted the truth to myself.  I am depressed.  At first I told myself that the sadness and hopelessness and loss of energy were all just temporary symptoms stemming from all the ugliness I was going through.  It is true that all those emotions and more happen when you find out your spouse has been unfaithful.  But my situation is improving, things are looking much better than they did, and I have a lot to be happy about.  I’m just not.  I had struggled with depression before, and it is something that’s in my family history.  I just didn’t want to admit or accept it.  But I know now it’s true.  I am pervasively sad.  I feel paralyzed by it – I don’t want to do anything but sleep and maybe cry, although sometimes I don’t even have the energy for that.  Writing and this blog are the first things I’ve been really interested in for I don’t know how long.  I’m always tired, but sometimes I can’t go to sleep.  I can’t concentrate, I’m having headaches every day, and the list goes on.  So the prospect of sitting down and reliving everything, going through the whole sordid story, just seems impossibly hard, emotionally draining, and too much to handle.

Fear.  I am afraid to put it all down on paper and take a hard look at it.  I am afraid of being judged.  I am afraid that people will think I put up with too much, that I’m weak or stupid or any number of other things.  I am also afraid of the reverse – that what I think is traumatizing is something everyone else thinks I should be able to easily get over.  I am afraid of painting my husband in a very negative light.  He really is a good man despite what he put me through.  He can be so kind and thoughtful, he is hard-working, tender-hearted, emotional and yes also hot-headed, stubborn, and sometimes (in the past) deceitful.  I am afraid of getting it all wrong.  I’m afraid that I will sit down, write things out and just never be able to convey the facts and emotions clearly.  How can I get it right when there are so many things at play?

Embarrassment.  This goes hand in hand with the fear.  I am embarrassed that I let this happen to me.  I know, I know – it’s not my fault, I’m not to blame, etc., etc.  I’m not downplaying that (even if it may seem that way).  I know that what he did is on him.  If we had problems (which I know we did) then he had a ton of options other than what he did.  I know he should have talked to me and we could have done this counseling and work on our marriage without going through all the mess that came before.   But I still had a certain picture of myself in my mind – who I was, what kind of woman I was, what I would and wouldn’t accept in a relationship.  This whole thing blew that out of the water.  It is embarrassing to admit that I knew what was going on for a while before I confronted him.  It is embarrassing that I believed some of the lies he told me that were so obviously false.  It is embarrassing that I was so passive in my relationship that I accepted things I had told myself I never would.  Telling the whole story will make me look bad – in my own eyes if in no one else’s.  I have to accept all of my faults along with his and all of the moments in the journey where I could have changed the story – cut it short, started the healing process earlier, communicated better, and on and on.

Journalistic Pride.  I’m not sure if that’s even a thing, but I couldn’t think of better words.  I don’t want to spill all the beans right at the beginning and then have nothing else to talk about.  I know that really is not likely considering the topic and all of the feelings I have.  But I worry that if I give away all of the facts at first then there won’t be anything to my “readers” to come back for.  If you already know the story and all the juicy plot twists, why would you keep coming back for all the emotional crap?  Even I don’t like that part.

So with all of that said, I think I will continue giving you bits and pieces here and there.  It will make it more emotionally manageable for me and hopefully for interesting for you.  It will also allow me to really examine each part of the story independently.  To work on the emotions, the right voice and tone for each section, and to give a more complete, 3-D version of what happened.  More pieces of the puzzle will come later.

A puzzle undone, which forms a cube.

A puzzle undone, which forms a cube. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

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8 Responses to “Taking My Time”

  1. Bec May 11, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    I am feeling really conflicted about starting my own blog for many of those same reasons you mentioned. I totally get the embarrassment factor. I feel so STUPID for not seeing what was going on right under my nose. Even when I had all these little glimpses and I asked him questions, I didn’t go with my gut and I chose to believe him. After all, he is my husband, and why on earth would he lie to me? So I disregarded it every time something didn’t seem to add up. Sharing those details scare me so much because I’m afraid of being judged by people who don’t understand what it’s like to be betrayed by your spouse. Thanks for sharing all that you do and your insights.

    • beautifulmess7 May 11, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

      Well I definitely understand. It’s funny (in a bad way) how we can feel stupid or judged for trusting our husbands – the one person we should be able to trust! I totally get what you mean 100%.

      Even though it is backwards, we do feel naive. Our gut is teling us one thing, but our husband and our hearts are telling us another. All I can say to that is hindsight is 20/20. Those people who think *I* would have know or *I* wouldn’t have gotten fooled or *I* would never stay really don’t know until they are in that situation. It is a lot harder than it seems from the outside to trust yourself when you are being told by the person you love that you are crazy.

  2. after i found out... April 23, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    Sometimes people just don’t want to feel alone in their situation. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but seeing how other folks are dealing with it reminds me that I am not alone with my feelings and I feel for others as well. Your blog is full of emotions and I am sorry you are going through a hard time.

    • beautifulmess7 April 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

      Thanks. I know exactly what you mean. It is helpful to see how other people are dealing with similar situations because it helps me to realize that I’m not really crazy at all.

      • after i found out... April 23, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

        One thing I found strange, not knowing anything about infidelity until living with it, is how similar the situations are and how the people involved behave. It almost seems more like a disease rather than a choice.

        Wishing the best.

        • beautifulmess7 April 23, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

          I think some of it is a disease. My husband has admitted that he is a sex addict. Not the Hollywood, glamorized, made-fun-of version. He has sexual compulsions that negatively affected his life and go back to his childhood/teenage years.

          A lot of it also seems to stem from self-esteem issues, learning bad patterns of behavior, compartmentalization, and denial. My husband has to figure out where his behaviors come from. That is why he is in individual therapy. Because there are root causes that go deeper than the surface excuses he gave himself.

          Thanks for the good wishes. I know you are in a very different place now, but I also wish you as much peace and healing as possible.

  3. beautifulmess7 April 12, 2012 at 8:47 am #

    Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. Ben April 11, 2012 at 9:42 pm #

    I think you’re off to a great start… share particular stories, details and feelings when it feels like the right time to do so. The theme for your blog is obviously very personal and has a lot of pain wrapped up in it, but it also shows courage and strength that’s inspiring. My ex gave up on us so casually, seemingly so easily, for reasons I’m still not even sure of, I find it encouraging to know there are women like yourself and Courtney out there 🙂

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