“Small” Lies Create Big Problems

17 Apr

AARRGGH!  Okay, so things have obviously been going too good for me.  I have been feeling much more positive and upbeat this week.  The anti-depressants seem to be kicking in a bit because I have more energy and feel more like the “old me.”  My husband and I had what I thought was a very honest, deep conversation last night.  Then another one of his stupid, “small” lies pops up and throws a wrench in my whole day.

So here’s the short story – and this really is stupid.  I got a free Redbox rental code texted to me Sunday night (they do that once per month).  We decided to rent a movie even though there wasn’t anything in particular we wanted to see – because hey, it’s free.  Husband picks up movie.  We watch said movie.  He says he will return it the next day (yesterday).   I would have returned it since I have to go by a Redbox on my way back from work (literally – right past one within a few feet).  But he said he would take care of it.  I wake up and the movie is gone.  I assume he had probably taken it back like he said.

Let me back up just a quick second.  I have a Redbox account.  They have my phone number (obviously) and email attached to that account and every credit card that I have ever used is automatically tied into that account.  Every time I use one of those cards, put in my email address at checkout (with a new card), or use an exclusive coupon code they have texted to me I get a nifty confirmation email of my purchase and return.  Automatically.

So let me continue…  I got the email confirmation when my husband picked up the movie.  After all day yesterday not seeing the return confirmation I thought he may have forgotten to return it (since Mondays are very hectic with school, work, quickly home, then back to school).   When he got back home I casually asked him if he had a chance to return the movie.  I added casually because it really was – not accusing, not angry, just an off-hand remark after we had already caught up with the day.  He immediately said he had taken care of it.  I was a bit confused and said something like, “Hmmm, I usually get an email for returns and I didn’t get one for that.”  He said something to the effect of, “Wonder why that is?  I did return it.  Weird.”  I just took his word for it and we continued on our merry way.

Until this morning.  My husband left unusually early this morning.  He was up and out the door before 6:15, and sometimes he doesn’t even get up until 6:20 or 6:30…  I thought it was a bit unusual, but thought he probably had something going on at work since they are making a lot of changes.  After I got into work I started my morning ritual of checking my emails – both work and personal – something I monitor throughout the day and sometimes at night since I have a tablet now.  Bam!  There was an email confirmation for a Redbox return.  This morning.  At exactly 6:17:30 AM.  Wow…

Image representing redbox as depicted in Crunc...

I kept my cool, forwarded the email to him with the words “I don’t know why you would lie about this.”  When he called me on his break I didn’t mention it.  I was too busy, and I was planning to talk to him about it tonight.  But then it started festering.  By the time he called around 3:15 as he was getting off of work I just couldn’t wait.  I wanted to get it off my chest so we could hopefully have a good night.  He also has to leave for school again at 5:30, which would give us less than 30 minutes to talk when I get home anyway.

So… we chatted a bit about our day and I told him I needed to get something off my chest and clear the air.  He said, “Okay.”  I asked if he knew what I was going to say (since I told him last night I get confirmation emails of returns).  He said “No, what is it.”  I pressed…  You’re sure there’s nothing that you want to fess up to.  Again, nothing.  I came right out and told him that I know he returned the Redbox movie this morning because I got the confirmation email.  He denied it!  Up to this point I was pretty calm, even internally, but that really just blew me away.  Really?!?  He’s going to try to lie to me when I know conclusively he’s not telling the truth?!

Yep, it would seem so.  He said he returned that movie last night.  He has no idea what I’m talking about.  It was later in the evening, but he absolutely returned it yesterday on his way home from school.  I was flabbergasted.  So I tried another approach.  I told him I had noticed he left earlier this morning than normal, and I know now that it was because he was returning that movie.  Again, he denied it.  In fact, he argued that he hadn’t left the house early and he always leaves by 6:15 – something that is not only BS but again totally beside the point and not worth lying about!

I totally had it by this point and said that I really don’t understand why he would continue to lie to me when I have the proof right in front of me!  I told him I get these emails all the time and they are always accurate.  Not only to the day, but down to the very second the movie was rented and returned.  I have the location, I have the date, and I have the time the movie was returned.  Why the hell was he still lying to me about it??!!!  FINALLY he admitted that he was lying and that he DID return the movie this morning.  I mean really?!?!  You thought you could actually just LIE your way out of this and convince me that REDBOX was the one not telling me the truth!?!  This is not only gaslighting but delusional!

I asked him what he was trying to accomplish, what he really thought he was doing by lying to me.  He said he didn’t really know.  He said the movie was late, and then his voice just petered out because he probably realized how incredibly stupid the excuse was that was about to come out of his mouth.  I mean honestly, he thought that admitting he forgot to return the movie and we were charged $1.20 would have been an issue?  Of course not!  And certainly nothing even comparing to this trust-smashing, ridiculous lie that either I’m too stupid to read a date or Redbox is in some conspiracy to make him look like a liar.   I told him that this is 10,000 times worse than anything that could have happened last night.  He admitted I am right.

I also asked him why he would think that lying to me like that over and over would work when I had proof in black and white in front of me.  He said he didn’t know I had that.  Wait?!  Were we not in the same conversation?  Did I not just tell you I was looking at the email at the very beginning – that is how this whole thing came up!  Well, he didn’t know all the details it had.  Like that makes it okay to try to lie to me – he didn’t think I really had enough proof to hang him!

I asked again why he would lie to begin with last night when I provided the opportunity to admit the truth in a completely non-threatening and supportive environment?  He said he didn’t know.  I asked him why he didn’t just admit the truth the second I brought it up.  He said he didn’t know.  I asked him why he would even try arguing with me about it.  He said he didn’t know.  I told him that I gave him the opportunity today even AFTER the lie last night to come clean with the truth.  I asked him why he didn’t.  He said he didn’t know.  I told him that these “little” lies make it almost impossible for me to believe he is telling me the truth about bigger things.  He said he knows that.  I asked him why he would risk the trust we are building for something so stupid.  He said he didn’t know.

I told him that “I don’t know” is not good enough anymore.  I am tired of it.  He does know because he is the one who did it.  And I am tired of being his conscience, his brain, and his therapist while I’m trying to deal with all of the emotions and crap that his lies have caused.  I told him when I get home he better have thought about it and have a better answer.  I know that probably sounds like an invitation for more lies and bullshit (which it probably is), but I just don’t know what else to do.

Why does he have to make things so fucking difficult?

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7 Responses to ““Small” Lies Create Big Problems”

  1. emotional tornado July 6, 2012 at 1:00 am #

    The lies, all the tiny lies, all the giant ones they snowball into. I want to scream. It is so distressing to me that recently I flipped when I caught my son in a small lie. I went off about him being a liar and that being a liar is such a horrible thing that people cannot forget about you. It is that way for me. If someone tends to lie, it really defines them to me. Honesty is so incredibly important Imperfection is ok if it is paired with honesty.

    • beautifulmess7 July 6, 2012 at 9:20 am #

      I know what you mean. It’s not good that you flipped out on your son, but it is understandable. If more boys were really taught that lying is a very big issue maybe we wouldn’t be dealing with so many lying men!

  2. beautifulmess7 April 18, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    I hate that we have to sound similar, too… But at least we have other people out there who understand and can help us through this craziness. I appreciate your support!

  3. Samantha Baker April 18, 2012 at 10:10 am #

    I totally understand this!!!! THe lies, lies, lies over some of the stupidest shit! God. Insane.

    Thanks for the comment on my blog, we do sound similar. *sigh* And i hate that we have to.

  4. beautifulmess7 April 18, 2012 at 9:04 am #

    I get what you mean. I don’t think we’re there yet. We actually had a nice talk last night after he got back from school. He said the lie was just a stupid gut reaction, which I knew (and can understand even if I still don’t think it was okay). Then he said that when I called him he just panicked. It made him really not think at all (which is obvious).

    He has come up with some things that he can do to catch himself if something like that starts to happen. And he certainly understood why it was so darn frustrating for me. He really does want to do better, and he has come a loooonng way from the beginning of our relationship. I have confidence in him – even if he makes me crazy sometimes.

  5. The "ME" Project April 18, 2012 at 2:06 am #

    I think there are some people that are just fucked up, and that’s it. The minute I understood what MY boyfriend was and what I could expect from him, it seems like things improved. You can’t beat morality into someone, you can’t nag or bitch or scream it into them, you can’t fix him. All you can do is decide how you will be, how you can protect yourself, and when it’s time to quit the game. I deal with this shit still, all the time. But I pick my battles or else I would lose it! The funny thing is, because I just roll my eyes and blow him off when I know he is full of shit and I can’t listen anymore, he goes nuts trying to explain himself and them he pulls it together a little bit more. We’ve been sailing along quite nicely, lately. ‘course, I’m not holding my breath just yet.

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  1. Lessons from Judge Judy « Beautiful Mess - May 18, 2012

    […] “Small” Lies Create Big Problems (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com) […]

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