Beautiful Mess

25 Apr

Today I’ve been thinking about the username that I chose for this site – beautifulmess7.  It’s something that I have used from time to time in the past, although it has never been my main username.  When I started thinking about blogging it came to mind immediately for a few reasons.  First of all, it doesn’t contain any part of my name which is important to me since I want to remain anonymous.  Secondly, none of the other usernames I have used in the past seemed to really fit the theme of this blog.  But more than anything it captures what I am now, who I was when I started this relationship, and it embraces the fact that I can be a total mess and still be beautiful inside.

I also have to admit something.  I stole the idea from a song.  You already know that music is a huge part of my life.  This is just more proof of that.  So I decided to continue along the music theme and explain my choice with songs.  Here are a few videos of songs that have inspired my choice and express some of the various aspects of how I feel about myself.

Diamond RioBeautiful Mess

Okay, so this was the original inspiration.  This song came out about 10 years ago, and I loved it.  Then when I first met my husband in 2007 I felt like I really knew what the song meant for the first time.  I wanted to spend all of my time with him.  I was staying out late.  I felt this heady mixture of adrenaline, endorphins, and reckless abandon.  It was definitely something like an addiction – and I know now that it wasn’t all that healthy.  Still, the sly smile was always on my face and for the first time in my life I didn’t have everything under control, in its place, and buttoned up.

Then later, after the infidelity and all of the crazy ups and downs, the beautiful mess part had a deeper meaning to me.  I felt like I was the mess.  Now the “haze” was from shock and hurt, not lust.  I literally had a terrible time concentrating on anything and I was always tired.  But it wasn’t fun this time.  Yet somehow I was able to find strength inside of myself that I didn’t think I had.  Instead of his unfaithfulness making me feel worthless, I discovered that I now knew with conviction that I didn’t deserve this.  That I am worthy of honor and respect.  That I am beautiful.  Despite the turmoil and the pain.  Despite the awful mess I found myself in.

Here are the parts of this song that resonated with me the most then and still do today:

“Going out of my mind these days
Like I’m walking round in a haze
I can’t think straight,
I can’t concentrate
And I need to shave

I go to work and I look tired
The boss man said son you gonna get fired
This ain’t your style
And behind my coffee cup I just smile

What a beautiful mess, what a beautiful mess I’m in
Spending all my time with you
There’s nothing else I’d rather do
What a sweet addiction that I’m caught up in

Cause I can’t get enough
Can’t stop the hunger for your love
What a beautiful mess
What a beautiful mess I’m in”

Hunter Hayes – Storm Warning

 This song is one that I just heard on the radio the other day.  I have to admit that I hadn’t even seen the video until today.  Even though I only heard it one time, it stuck in my head.  It took me a while to find it this morning, but I’m glad I did.  The first thing that struck me had absolutely nothing to do with the song itself.  He looks like he is about 15!  I’m not sure how old he really is, but I do know that he seems very talented.  After doing a quick search I found out that he plays a ton of instruments (guitar, piano, drums, bass and more) and has written songs for Rascal Flatts and Montgomery Gentry.  Very impressive!

Back to the song.  I like the imagery of the woman being like a storm.  It feels very powerful.  I also really connect to the part when he says she is, “One part angel, one part perfect, one part a wreck.”  I certainly don’t feel perfect, but I like the contrast between being something ethereal and beautiful and ruined all at once.  It also mentions burning wheels and being somewhere between coming and going.  I feel like that a lot these days.

Here are the parts of this song that I relate to the most (I realize that it is most of the song…):

“Have you ever noticed every hurricane
Gets its name from a girl like this?
She’s a cat 5 kind keeps you up at night
Hangin’ on to the edge of a kiss

She’s a beautiful mess
Yeah, the kind you love to love
But what happens next?
I got a feelin’ when the sun comes up

I’m gonna wish I had a storm warnin’
I’m gonna wish I had a sign
I’m gonna wish I had a little heads up
A little leeway, a little more time
Some kind of radar system
Locked in on love
I got a feelin’ by the time the night finds the mornin’
I’m gonna wish I had a storm warnin’

Ain’t it funny how it feels when you’re burnin’ your wheels
Somewhere between goin’ and gone
You get so lost that you can’t turn it off
You give in and you just turn it on
She’s a heart full of rain, red lips like a flame
She’s a girl from your favorite song

What a beautiful mess
One part angel, one part perfect, one part a wreck
The kind of flood you’ll never forget”

Well that’s it for now.  Those are really the two songs that I had on my mind this morning.  More of my ramblings will be coming later on.  In the meantime, what do you think about me potentially changing the name of my blog to Beautiful Mess?  I have been thinking about it a lot, and I think it might represent more of who I am.  It is also a bit more positive, at least in my mind…

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5 Responses to “Beautiful Mess”

  1. Ben April 25, 2012 at 11:28 am #

    I think spinning your blog’s name and focus to something more positive will certainly be beneficial to you… when I thought about my own blog name and focus, I didn’t want to be the divorced guy angry at his ex and all women by proxy, and I think it’s been very healthy for me personally to keep my writing focused on what I love about women and not let this one relationship spoil my appreciation of women and a chance at future happiness.

    …then again, I am desperately always trying to focus on being the glass-half-full kinda guy, so take my input in that regard with a grain of salt 😉

    • beautifulmess7 April 25, 2012 at 11:31 am #

      Thanks! I appreciate your feedback. My only struggle is that there are two blogs already on here with “beautifulmess” and “abeautifulmess.” It seems like both of them are inactive (and have been for a while), but now I don’t know what I would change the website to.

      • Ben April 25, 2012 at 11:36 am #

        Maybe Newlywed Beautiful Mess? Sleep on it… I bet your subconscious will cook up something for you 🙂

        • beautifulmess7 April 25, 2012 at 11:39 am #

          Thanks! 😀

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