Bad Memory

27 Apr

I’ve been having pretty good, positive days lately.  I am really doing my best to think about all of the good things I have in my life and to build towards a really great future.  I haven’t even experienced any “triggers” that I can think of this week.  Until today.

I posted previously about purchasing a few new books so that I could continue processing and moving forward.  One of the books has a chapter about full disclosures (which I haven’t gotten yet from my husband).  In this book the author recommends using a polygraph machine.  I’m still not sure what I think about that, but he says that it helps to really build a firm foundation of trust.  He points out that unfaithful partners get so good at lying that they can be very believable – even to the point of tearing up during a lie to make it seem genuine.

That immediately sent a flash through my brain of an instance where my husband (then boyfriend) had done just that.  I didn’t really think about this morning – just kinda pushed it aside and went about my day.  Then I popped over to a forum at lunch.  One of the first things I stumbled upon was something about how cheaters can disguise themselves so well.  One man with a girlfriend who had been unfaithful twice was feeling suspicious (with good reason – due to a lie).  But he was doubting himself because she seemed so perfectly reformed in every way, and even had a picture of him as her phone wallpaper.  Several people immediately jumped in with their stories of significant others who had outwardly appeared very loving and caring while they were actually actively carrying on an affair.  One of these hit me especially hard.  She said, “My H would come downstairs from his office and kiss me and tell me he loved me and go upstairs to his office and text his OW (other woman). He also had a pic of me on his phone. And on his computer, that he was emailing her from.”

That hit so close to home because it is exactly what Mr. Mess was doing.  Outwardly he appeared to completely adore me.  He had a picture of me on his phone and our computer – both of which he used in his affair to contact the other woman.  He would tell me he loved me, then hang up and call or text the other woman.  He would call me baby or honey or darling while thinking about her or just after making contact.  He went on a vacation with me (which I paid for) where he professed his love and talked about possibly getting married – then texted her while I was in the shower or went to the bathroom during a show.  He took a lovey dovey photo where he is holding me and looking totally infatuated – when he had been in contact with the other woman the same day.  Looking at that photo turns my stomach even today.

But the specific incident I was referring to earlier happened on New Year’s Eve of 2009.  We attended a party that one of his friends held out of town.  We got a room there so we could stay the night and not have to worry about driving home.  Mr. Mess kept disappearing at various times during the night.  I would be talking to someone with him next to me engaging in the conversation, then he would be gone.  There were a lot of people there, and we mingled separately a lot.  As it got closer to midnight I sought him out, and we went to watch a game of cornhole (wonderful name for a game, right?) or beer pong (also very classy).  He asked if I would like another drink.  I said sure, that would be nice.

The next thing I knew, 15 or 20 minutes had passed.  I looked at where the drinks are, and there was no Mr. Mess.  There were only about 10 minutes or so until midnight.  I started wondering where he went, as I continued to scan the room, and he was nowhere in sight.  I stepped outside of the room into the hall that lead to the elevators and a side hotel entrance/exit.  The door outside was propped open, and even though it was cold I noticed several people’s figures.  Sure enough, Mr. Mess was one of them.  And he was now extremely high.  I told him there were only a few minutes to midnight and asked him where he went.  He said something to the effect of, “I told you I was leaving the room.”  When I recounted the drink conversation he suddenly remembered and said he had run into some of the guys, and they wanted him to come get high with them.

This was pretty typical behavior for Mr. Mess at the time.  I didn’t quite know the extent of the drug use in his group of friends, but suffice it to say I know now that none of them ever go to a party without planning to get excessively drunk and preferably high.  At least the segment of the group that he most closely associated with.  I told him it was pretty inconsiderate of him to just disappear like that to get high when I was expecting him to come back.  Now people were really getting excited in the room because there was only a minute to midnight.  He agreed with me that he should have told me, then said that he loves me more than anything and would never do anything to hurt me.  He started tearing up, and said that he would do anything to prove that I am the most important thing to him.

I was caught off-guard and touched, plus he was starting to get animated and drawing attention with his teary eyes and loud pleas.  Someone called us into the room as the count-down to midnight began.  He gave me a passionate kiss as the ball dropped, and 2009 began.  I brushed his behavior off as insensitive and a bit careless, but told myself the bad feelings I had were just exaggeration.  I mean, the man was crying from all the emotion and love he felt for me.  That must be real, right?

Well…  less than 2 weeks later all hell broke loose when I finally discovered the truth (see my previous post Gaslighting).  Needless to say, when I checked later, I found that he had been texting the OW that night.  So the disappearing act was even more selfish and sinister than I had initially thought.  And the whole crying bit was just that – an acting job.  He was using simulated emotions to manipulate me and cut my valid concerns off at the knees.  Happy New Year to me!

Fireworks over Copenhagen the night before New...

All of those emotions and memories flooded back to me today.  It made for a very difficult day.  It was hard to focus and stop those mind movies from running on a continuous loop.  I will even admit that I backslid on my newly set goal of being more healthy and ate almost half of a chocolate bunny at lunch…  😦   I tried talking to Mr. Mess tonight about all of these feelings.   I thought it would go well after some recent breakthroughs and positive sessions with our marriage counselor.  Wrong again…  But that’s another story.


5 Responses to “Bad Memory”

  1. pandaqueen1001 September 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

    >>…stories of significant others who had outwardly appeared very loving and caring while they were actually actively carrying on an affair.<<

    So this is pretty typical behavior from cheaters. That''s strangely comforting to know. I wondered and second guessed myself for weeks about where my partner really stood if he could seem so loving and caring to me while engaging and carrying on with the other girl.

    • beautifulmess7 September 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

      Yeah… Unfortunately, it is quite common. It’s part of why cheating is so emotionally damaging.

  2. A Dog With Fleas April 27, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    I totally feel your pain on this unfortunately!! 😦 I look forward to catching up on your blog and hope everything works out for you the way you want!!

    • beautifulmess7 April 27, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

      Thanks! I am feeling the need to vent tonight, so I apologize in advance for any ranting that happens later. My previous posts have been much more focused and to the point.

      Thanks for the support. I’m sorry that you feel my pain because it probably means you have experienced some of the same things… 😦 It sucks to be part of this club.


  1. He Walked Out « Beautiful Mess - April 28, 2012

    […] I talked about in my last post (Bad Memory), I was triggered big time today (or I should say yesterday at this point).  Those memories […]

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