Well, I found it…

18 May

The anger that is. I just told him that the first time he actually admits to a lie before I force it out of him I am going to hire an airplane to fly over our house with a banner that says “He finally told me the fucking truth on his own!!”  I will also throw him a party.  Really…  I think I will.  Although I’m not really going to start party planning right now because it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen any time soon.

7 Responses to “Well, I found it…”

  1. Samantha Baker May 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

    “They” have often said that marriages do not end because of the affair, but the lying afterwards.

    I’ve told my husband this many times. And I’ve told him that the lying, sets us back to day oneevery.single.time. And the thing is, he says the lies are to not hurt me. But, it’s not true. It’s to protect him. Lying? is taking the band-aid off slowly, which causes more pain over the long term. I’d rather have it ripped off at once, so I know what I have to heal from and I can confront it head on.

    His lying and trickle truth in thebeginning was so much more destructive. Every few days I was finding out new truths. If I didn’t ask the “right” questions, I wouldn’t know most of the truth. So I had to dig for it. And the worst was “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember”. Come the hell on. You don’t dorget the first time you kissed her. You don’t forget the first time you told her that you loved her. But he insisted he didn’t remember, until I called bullshit on it, repeatedly.

    He’s learning now that truth is the best policy for my healing, and our reconciliation. We’ve come so much further in the past 2/3 months than we did the first 8 months, all because he finally decided on honestly.

    And while yes, honesty does hurt? Deciet hurts SO much worse. *I* can heal from the truth. And, let’s face it, I’ll find out anyway, I’d just rather hear it from him first.

    • beautifulmess7 May 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

      Everything you said is sooo true. In the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair it says every lie sets recovery back 2 years. He knows that, but he still does it. I will never be able to reconcile that because he KNOWS how much it hurts me and he chooses to do it anyway.

      • Samantha Baker May 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

        They “know” it but it’s like they don’t “get” it. Or, they refuse to anyway.

        And I’ve often wondered why. Is it shame? Is it lack of respect for me? Lack of caring? Not wanting to face what they’ve done and whom they’ve become? Probably a combination of all of that.

        I don’t know, but it’s hard to understand, and like you said, reconcile it. And then *we* are left picking up the pieces, yet…again.

  2. persuaded2go May 18, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    I feel so bad that you are going through this. I am amazed by your insight and all the things that you are learning as you walk through it. You have strength like no one I have ever seen. I am so ashamed of every lie I ever told. I pray that he finally ” gets it.”

    • beautifulmess7 May 18, 2012 at 7:25 pm #

      Thanks so much for your kind words and support. The lies really are the worst part of this for me. The sad thing is that I think he knows that. We just read in a book together that every lie sets our recovery back 2 years. We have also had so many conversations about it that I couldn’t begin to recount them all.

      He knows. I do truly think he “gets it.” He just can’t seem to stop lying. And once he has done it he somehow convinces himself that he can’t come clean. Don’t even ask me how that’s possible with a thousand things that prove the EXACT opposite… That is where my ability to understand and empathize turns into exasperation and frustration. I do NOT do well with things that do not make sense!

  3. Samantha Baker May 18, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    Uh oh. I don’t like the sound of this.

    You’re so close, we should go out and have a drink, or 5.

    • beautifulmess7 May 18, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

      That is incredibly tempting… In fact I was right up in your area already once today. It really isn’t all that far.

      Just so you know, the anger monster has faded away. I’m not really sure what’s left in it’s place right now. He has said that he wants to do some extra sessions with our MC just focused on his lying and how to combat it. That is a step in the right direction.

      It didn’t help with the understanding or feelings of hurt… But at least he’s planning steps to start down the right road. I’m just not sure what I should do with all of my feelings in the meantime. Or how to reconcile that he wants to try with the fact that he had the opportunity to try and break this negative pattern and didn’t.

      It seems like sometimes there is no good answer.

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