Lies, Lies, Go Away… Come again NEVER!

6 Jul

I love House. Just look at those eyes! Unfortunately, he is right about the prevalence of lies. I just can’t take it anymore.

Lies.  They destroy relationships.  They destroy lives.  They pile up on top of each other until they feel like they might bury me alive.  Small lies, big lies, white lies, half-truths, gaslighting – they are all the same.  They all cause pain.  I’ve reached the point now where my tolerance for lies of any sort is basically nonexistent.  I will not accept them, but more than that I feel like I can’t accept them.  I think one more lie might actually cause my brain to crack.

So I continue to keep my distance from my husband.  It doesn’t matter why he still lies.  It just matters that he does.  He can’t promise me that he won’t lie again because that’s how ingrained in him it is.  As far as I know he has not been to individual counseling this week.  He knows the steps to take, but he isn’t taking them.  So I’m in this weird limbo.  We coexist.  I don’t have animosity towards him (or he towards me).  Yet we cannot be as close as I would like us to be.  I can’t fully rely on or trust him.  I can’t put my raw heart back into his hands.  He just isn’t doing what it takes for me to feel comfortable and safe.

That means this weekend may be a bit strange.  I have already started planning some things that I can do on my own.  I am going to check out J.C. Penney for some items that I know are on sale this month.  I may or may not be getting another tattoo (depending on what the sketch looks like when I go see it today).  Maybe I’ll even drive down to the outlet mall in Williamsburg, although I doubt it considering the blistering heat we are supposed to be experiencing.

I’m not sad.  I’m not happy.  I’m just kinda blah.  I have noticed that my recent posts tend a bit toward the melancholy.  I’m not sure completely why that is – and to be honest I don’t know if they really do have a melancholy feel or not.  I just don’t know what my emotions are.  That’s possibly because they are conflicted and changing from moment to moment.  I see others in pain on the message boards or experiencing a lot of triggers or joy or triumph in their marriages.  I read about progress, steps backward, and frustrations.  And I feel like I’m just hanging here.

It actually reminds me of a time that I paid a little extra for a bungee jumping/ hang gliding thing at a local theme park.  They call it the Xtreme Skyflyer.  They have you cocooned up in this body harness that is attached to a long bungee cable.  The cable is connected to what looks like half of the McDonald’s arch.  They raise you up about 17 stories and let gravity do the rest.  There is a moment when you are high above everything, anticipating what is to come.  Then you’re dropped.  There is a long free fall to about 6 feet above the ground – so low that you are convinced you will slam into the spectators below.  The initial speed is somewhere around 60 mph, then you swing back and forth for a while until everything slows down and you are just hanging.  They slowly lower you down to the ground, and the ride is over.

This journey has been like that.  At first I thought our life together would be an adventure.  I looked at the ride from the ground and thought it would be fun – exciting even.  I trusted that I would be safe with him.  That we would be in this together.  That no matter how scary it got we would always have each other.  I got harnessed in (a.k.a. married) and enjoyed the view as we climbed higher and higher together.  I wasn’t really anticipating a drop – maybe I closed my eyes and didn’t watch how the ride played out before, maybe I didn’t want to know, maybe I let myself overlook what was coming or convinced myself that we could just keep going up forever.  That’s not how the ride worked, though…

Those clues from before that I had overlooked?  The small lies, the hiding of pornography, the sexting and affair, all of the things he said he has “stopped,” that were “fixed.”  They weren’t.  They were just waiting at the top to pull the cord that would drop us.  During and immediately following D-Day I discovered so many lies – they were coming fast and hard.  It felt like my stomach was dropping out of my body.  All I could manage was to hold on for dear life.  The adrenaline must have been the only thing keeping my body running.  Our marriage was holding us together while our entire relationship was dangling by a thin cable.  He was taking me on this ride right along with him, and there wasn’t anything I could do to keep from being affected.

As we settled into recovery, therapy, and counseling things started slowing down.  We were still on this giant swing, though.  Some days we were up, some days we felt very close to crashing.  Each new lie still caused my stomach to drop a bit, but nothing like that initial free-fall.  I started to think that I could handle this.  That I could deal with the back and forth, up and down as long as there were no more big drops.

Now the pendulum is slowing.  We are nearly on solid ground.  And I realize now how much I want that solid ground.  How much I need it.  I want to get off of this ride and feel the Earth under my feet.  Know that my world has stopped swinging out of control.  Each lie he tells makes it seem like I will never get there…  I will be stuck on this ride forever.  I can’t do that.

I want him to get off the ride with me.  I’m not sure if he can, though.  He is either too scared, too confused, too caught up, or too…  I don’t know.  So right now we are still bundled together, just hanging there.  A few feet away from the ground.  Almost where we want to be.  And those 6 feet seem like an immense canyon.  I’m not sure how long I can keep hanging here before I cut myself loose and go those last few feet on my own.  I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, here I am.  Hi everyone!  I’m up here just watching you go about your lives.  I laugh with you over your joys.  I feel empathy for you if you are down.  I offer advice (what little I have) if I think it might be helpful.  Some of you are on your own rides.  Some of you are already on the ground walking around where I want to be.  I will get there some day.  I’m very close!  I will not let anything stop me.  Those lies are going away one way or another because I won’t let them in the next time they come knocking!

I want to feel my feet back on solid ground. My toenails are painted this color right now, in fact.

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25 Responses to “Lies, Lies, Go Away… Come again NEVER!”

  1. forgivingforme July 10, 2012 at 4:20 am #

    This is so what I am going through. My bf lies are out of control. He actually spends more energy on setting up his lies and fabricating stories than to just do what he says. Beats me… Gets a bit ridicoulous if you ask me. Instead of keeping their promises and just doing what they say they will do, they instead go to great lengths to deceive…. I’m sick of it, and I don’t think it’s worth it in the long run..

    • beautifulmess7 July 10, 2012 at 8:21 am #

      I’m sorry you are dealing with that. I know exactly what you mean. They spend more time lying than it would take to just do what they said they were going to do. I really don’t get it!

  2. shawn8811 July 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    Would you mind sharing what it is your WH is lying about? Is he lying about questions you ask directly? Have you asked him why he continues to lie? I often wonder if my FWH still lies. If I ask him about the A now I almost always get, “I don’t remember.” Hate that.
    Hope you had a happy weekend!
    Hope & Hugs, Shawn
    http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/

    • beautifulmess7 July 8, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

      This time he lied about work. He lied to me 3 times about his work schedule. I really have no clue why. He then lied about when the schedule change was made and his a phone call from his boss. Again there was no logical reason for it.

      He lies because it’s so ingrained in him. He lies because he is afraid of telling the truth. In this case he lied to cover up other lies. Rather than come clean he panicked and told more lies.

    • beautifulmess7 July 8, 2012 at 6:40 pm #

      And I did ask him directly about it because I was wondering when he was going to go to work that day.

      • shawn8811 July 8, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

        When you caught him, when you knew he was lying, did you ask him why he lied? Why he continues to lie?
        Sorry. I don’t mean to beat this to death, but communication is the one and only way out of the hell hole that is adultery. You hope to reconcile, right? He needs to know that EVERY lie, regardless of how insignificant it seems, impedes recovery.
        My FWH continued his lies for a few months after DDay. His lies were mostly about the A. He would say he lied because he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. PLEASE! What a crock! It was about him, not me. And, yes…they do get used to lying. Lies become almost necessary. It’s a tough habit to break. You gotta treat them like a puppy that pees on the carpet. When you catch him, rub his nose in it! 😉
        Man…why don’t they get that lies make it worse! What are they afraid of?? Tell the truth!! Yuck.
        Hope & Hugs, Shawn
        http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/

        • beautifulmess7 July 8, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

          Yeah, I asked. I always ask. He said something like “I’m just screwed up.” He has talked about it in MC & IC. It’s something he learned to do as a child to stay out of trouble and so he wouldn’t get beaten by his Dad. It became his go-to response. Even when there isn’t any reason for it to be.

          He KNOWS lying is the worst thing he could do. He read How to Help Your Spouse Recover from Your Affair. He knows each lie sets our recovery back 2 years. He knows breaking my trust threatens everything.

          He knows all of that. But knowing doesn’t stop the lying. It doesn’t change what has become a part of him. I can’t talk him out of this behavior. No one really can.

          He needs to learn new ways to cope. He needs to learn to combat the part of him that says lying is the easy or best way out. He needs to listen to his common sense and the things he knows but can’t seem to implement. I’m just not sure if he can or if he’s committed enough to do that.

          • Ariella July 12, 2012 at 1:05 am #

            John doesn’t know how to stop lying either. He doesn’t consider it lying though, he just forgets to tell me things at times. I have heard the I’m just screwed up too. I don’t believe its a line, I believe him. I believe they are screwed up because most normal people do not just go out and do the things our men do. . .

            I’m sorry your hurting and I hope it gets better. You always do give such good advice and I’m sure many of your readers feel the same way.

            John and I don’t do all the counseling and talking about the affair so truly I don’t have a clue how it would affect our relationship. But I have to be honest, at times I wonder if the constant speaking of the affair isn’t damaging to the relationship. I am not saying this to you directly, I feel that when I read all blogs where the partners are in constant discussion of the past affair. I talk about Johns affairs all the time, however, I don’t talk about them with John. My mother an I have issues with our relationship because she never let’s shit go. She always brings up the past and never let’s things rest. Till this day I resent her for that and our relationship is beyond repair. I don’t know. Its just what I think at times. . .

            Hope things get better. . . (((Hugs)))

            • beautifulmess7 July 12, 2012 at 8:48 am #

              I believe it’s true, too. I don’t think it’s a line – he is screwed up. Yesterday in MC he said that he has a hard time feeling empathy for other people. He is capable of it, but it takes him a lot to get there. Most of the time he just thinks “I will do what I want to do and they’ll get over it.”

              Something about that really rang true to me. I am a very empathetic person. I try to put myself in other people’s shoes. I can’t say that I have never screwed up and hurt someone, but I can say that I’ve never done the same thing twice. Once you see how devestated your actions can make someone else any normal person would avoid doing that again at all costs. He sees how his lying affects me, he says hurting me hurts him, but then he goes right ahead and makes a conscious choice to lie again (which he even admitted yesterday).

              I know what you mean. We actually haven’t talked about the actual “affair” part in a while. This particular lie had absolutely nothing to do with his affair, sex addiction, or anything really. It was just a blatant lie about his work schedule for absolutely no reason. In MC we are mostly dealing with his lies and the consequences – how they make me feel and what they do to our marriage recovery.

              I can definitely see that at some point a couple has to decide if an issue is resolved. I don’t think that means never, ever talking about it again or pretending it didn’t happen. However, I don’t think it is healthy to hold something over someone’s head and bring it up in every disagreement. The sex addiction thing just really complicates stuff. It’s something that can’t just be “resolved” and not spoken about. Just like any addiction it takes constant work. It does make it difficult to feel safe and like it really is something entirely contained in the past.

        • beautifulmess7 July 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

          I also just have to say that I know what you meant with your comment, but I really can’t keep treating him like a “puppy” or anything less than a grown man. He needs to be able to take responsibility, correct his own issues, tackle his “why”s, and rub his own nose in his lies. I don’t want to be his Mommy!

          • shawn8811 July 10, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

            I hear ya. He’s gotta figure it out. He’s gotta own the lies.
            You’re a tough cookie, patient and very understanding, too.
            I couldn’t deal with another lie at this point in my life. If FWH lied to me about what he ate for lunch I’d go thermonuclear!
            Hope & Hugs, Shawn
            http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com

            • beautifulmess7 July 10, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

              I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I’m going to go thermonuclear the next time he lies about anything, too. I’m trying to protect myself and him from having that happen. I’m not fun to deal with when I’m angry to that level.

  3. Cdn Stormlover July 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

    This must have been a terribly hard post to write. I’m not even sure if I can offer you any reassurance or advice other than this – know that whatever you decide, you have support from your “online family”. I have been in your shoes (somewhat) and although I took the other road (I left the relationship) there are times when I think “What if?” and then I analyze and re-analyze and then find a way to make peace with myself again. There are no reassurances in life….and this is one fact that truly sucks!
    Bless and BIG HUGZZZZ
    Lee

    • beautifulmess7 July 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm #

      So true. That’s for the support!

      Oddly enough, it wasn’t hard to write this at all. Once I started writing it just materialized on the screen. I realized that I have been in a kind of writing slump because I haven’t really been listening to what’s going on inside of me. That’s partly because I’m not really sure what that is. This is what came out when I tried to make a little sense of myself.

      • Cdn Stormlover July 7, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

        Well, you’ve managed to articulate it very well. 🙂

  4. il80 July 7, 2012 at 11:23 am #

    I have been trying to figure out what I am feeling and everything you said sounds like my current state of mind. I sure wish I could run away with y’all:)

    • beautifulmess7 July 7, 2012 at 11:40 am #

      Sorry you’re in this limbo place with me. It’s odd not really knowing what you feel.

      I wish you could run away with us, too. The more the merrier!

  5. Samantha Baker July 6, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    We should run away together this weekend.

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