How long will I wait?

11 Jul

I don’t have a lot of time today because I will be traveling an hour to meet with my boss (our weekly meeting) and then rushing off to marriage counseling.  That should be interesting…  I’m not really sure what to expect at all.  Mr. Mess has been so distant.  Instead of taking the opportunity to step up, it feels like he is stepping back from me.  Maybe that’s his way of giving me space, I don’t know.  What I do know is that what I really need from him is honest communication and that’s the one thing I haven’t gotten all week.

Anyway, back to the point. I probably won’t have time to write something insightful today, but this blog post from yesterday really spoke to me.  I was thinking about it all night. How long am I willing to wait?  How much more am I willing to take?  When will he lose his “magic” altogether?  I wish I knew the answers.

I wonder if he is strong enough to get past his life-long bad behaviors. I am always holding out for the “light at the end of the tunnel” – the wonderful time when we will be happy and healthy.  That “one day” may never come, though.  I have been asking myself if I am getting enough right now to stay and keep holding out.  Is it crazy that I don’t even know?  Some days we connect so well and all feels right with the world, but just a few days or even hours later he can lie to me again and shatter my dream.

Check out this post.  It really is raw and insightful.

Forgiving for me

How long am I willing to wait? That’s the question.

I don’t know how many times I have thought: “that’s it! this time it’s REALLY enough!!!!”.
I don’t know how many times I have cried in the car on the way home from work. I don’t know how many hours, weeks, months I have spent consumed by rage, bitterness, temporary madness, a hurt so profound, a love unconditional, forgiveness, frustration, despair, hope, disappointment, sadness, ecstasy, weakness, impatience, only to push through a little bit more. I dont know how many times my freaking container has been full, only to find that I could make room for a little more of our story. One more round, one more chance.

I don’t know how many buckets of tears I have cried. How many hours I have curled up on the floor, how many times I have packed and unpacked my things. If…

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5 Responses to “How long will I wait?”

  1. Castimonia July 11, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    Are you guys doing any type “forced” intimacy exercises? It is the addict’s responsibility to initiate those. They include using your “feeling words chart”, telling each other “one of the things I love about you”, and typically a couple’s recovery devotional. Early on, I was very distant from my wife because she didn’t know all the details. We did a 3-day intensive that included a full disclosure (and polygraph) and that releived so much of a burden on me and increased the ability to share things with my wife and be closer to her on a more intimate level. I don’t think I would be where I am in recovery had it not been for the 3-day intensive, continued work in my own recovery, continued work for her in her recovery, and our couples work using intimacy exercises.

    May God grant you serenity!

    • beautifulmess7 July 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

      I so want (and need) a full disclosure. I would also love for it to include a polygraph and more intensive session. I just don’t know where to go or how much it would cost. There are no official CSATs in our area.

      • Castimonia July 12, 2012 at 9:30 am #

        Although I am only familiar with local Houston therapists, Jeff & Ella Hutchinson and Milton Magness both do 3-day intensives (with polygraphs) and see clients from all over the United States.

        It is my opinion, that a marriage is worth the price of the intensive (and travel) for the spouse, and especially the addict! Coming from my addictive and selfish mentality, spending all that money on the intensive was important for me to do, so I could put a “price” on our marriage. Sounds weird, but as a selfish addict, it made sense to me and actually kept me fighting for the investment (financially at first, now it is relationally)!

        Jeff & Ella Hutchinson

        Milton Magness

  2. Samantha Baker July 11, 2012 at 9:31 am #

    Hang in there. I hope you can gain some insight at MC today.

  3. forgivingforme July 11, 2012 at 8:55 am #

    *Like* 🙂 Goodluck with your marriage counselling today. Wish you a beautiful day! x x

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