Trust is such a difficult thing for me for a number of reasons. One is because of my personality. I’m a very type-A, get things done kinda girl. I’m usually firmly in the camp of “if you want something done right, do it yourself.” My husband’s sex addiction and affair don’t do anything to help my trust. His lying habit virtually demolished any vestiges that remained.
Despite all of that, I have come to realize that I can’t go through life without trust. I can’t be in this marriage without being vulnerable, without giving up some control. I have to trust him with some things, whether I really want to or not. Whether I feel 100% confident that he will follow through and do it in a way that I would have or not… Cue stomach knots.
I am now working on my codependence issues and learning to let go of things that aren’t in my control. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. How do you all do it? What keeps you trusting? What helps you reassure yourself that it won’t be the end of the world no matter what happens? How do you keep your hope? I really want to know.
Being in this community is so rewarding because I get to connect with so many people, hear their stories, get support, and gain understanding of myself and what we are all going through in one form or another. Reading blogs gives me a fresh perspective, challenges me, and makes me really ponder things. At the same time, I see and hear so much disappointment, pain, fear, and oh so many lies. It is disheartening. Sure, there are lots and lots of stories of hope and healing. Still, those painful ones really stick around in my gut.
Those thoughts ping around in my head and make this struggle to trust so much more difficult. Especially after nights like last night. Mr. Mess and I are fine – great even – so don’t worry about that. It’s just that disappointment crept in, slowly but surely. I was able to support a friend, but not in the way I had hoped. Our carefully laid plans (so we thought) were blown out of the water. I could feel how despondent she was, and there was really very little I could do about it. I didn’t have any control over the situation, the outcome, or her feelings.
I wanted to, because boy do I hate seeing someone I care about in pain. But I had to let go of that desire. I had to just be there. Just listen. Just be supportive by caring – not by controlling the situation in any way. I had to remind myself that I didn’t fail. That I wasn’t the cause of the disappointment, I couldn’t have changed anything, and just being there was enough. Even though I couldn’t have done anything to fix her situation, that was my utmost desire.
I wish I had a magic wand that could solve all of the problems in the world. That is such fantasy-land thinking, though. I have to let go of it. I have to just do what I can do and be content in the knowledge that even a glimmer of normalcy, fun, comfort, validation or care does make a difference. Small things can matter a lot. I know that has been true for me. Seeing that “Like” on my post, getting a response – positive or negative, just knowing that there are people out there that care enough to take time out of their day to read what I have to say, and then offer their thoughts… Those things are huge in a way that is hard to describe.
But trusting that things will work out? That is tough. Trusting that I really am enough – no matter what happens – seems nearly impossible. I have this internal battle going on inside. It is between what I know in my head and what I fear. Those fears, some irrational and some completely possible (maybe even probable), well up inside of me. The urge I have is to freeze, to let them paralyze me. I am fighting it with all that I have. Because the reality is that I will be fine. I am strong. I am capable. I am worthwhile. I have to trust my own decision to trust (twisty I know), because that is the only way to defeat my fears.