His Birthday is Tomorrow…

14 Aug

… and I’m in a funk.  We are barely speaking right now.  Turns out he finally picked up his prescription yesterday after threats from me and a night on the couch.  He apologized for his reaction and said that he hopes to get things under control.  Somehow it really doesn’t feel like a victory.  He also went to an IC session, which he said was available at the last-minute.  I have no idea what they talked about, and I am losing the will to even care.  I have to remind myself of the truth that he isn’t reliable right now.  I can’t feel safe if I’m depending on him to make me feel that way.  It’s just sad.

Image – © Caroline’s Cakes / Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license

I am okay today: not great, but not miserable.  I am finding it hard to get back into the swing of working.  I have deep feelings of avoidance.  I look at the things on my desk and in my inbox, and that’s it…  I only look.  I have a few phone calls to make, some interviews to line up, and a bunch of miscellaneous things to take care of, and all I want to do is crawl in a deep, dark place to be alone with my thoughts and a few good books.  It’s not a very celebratory feeling.  I have no idea how tomorrow is going to play out.

I have to focus on today, though.  One moment at a time.  I need an S-Anon meeting pretty bad.  I should have gone to one last night, but the one on Mondays is about 45 minutes away.  Instead I read.  I bought about 10 new books over my vacation and have been making swift progress through them.  They are fun, light, and have absolutely nothing to do with infidelity or codependence.  Reading has been a great escape.  Today I’m going to do a little more reading.  I also wore one of the new shirts I bought on my outlet shopping trip.  I feel pretty and polished.  But also very funk-ish.  I know that isn’t a word, but I don’t care (I’m sensing a theme here).

Sorry for the dark mood and depressing post…  It’s just about all I can muster.  I don’t even get a good lunch break today because I have to go to a meeting that I’m not looking forward to.  I think his birthday tomorrow is just weighing everything down.  I have been preparing for a month now at least.  I was very excited.  There are presents and fun plans.  I’m just not invested in them anymore.  I’m trying to find my happiness, but it isn’t bubbling up to the surface.  I think maybe that’s okay sometimes.  Being authentic entails an entire spectrum of emotions, and I’m at peace with that.

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

– Lewis Carroll

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25 Responses to “His Birthday is Tomorrow…”

  1. Ariella August 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    In our eyes we don’t have much to celebrate! I know the feeling of having work pile up and just ignoring things. I have so much backed up work to do its scary and for some reason, I just don’t care right now.

    You have been through a lot. Everything you are feeling is completely understandable! The fact that your up and functioning is a plus in my book!

    (((hugs)))

    • beautifulmess7 August 17, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

      Thanks. ((((hugs right back at you))))

      • Ariella August 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

        My office called me and said, “ummm Ariella the electric company is here, have you not paid them?” I didn’t! I forgot, I didn’t care, they were going to cut off the electric to the office because it wasn’t paid in 2 months! Of course, I have the money to pay it, but either didn’t remember or didn’t care. Maybe both. Sometimes I feel like I am in a constant daze. . . It is very hard to just “bounce back” after an affair. . .

        • beautifulmess7 August 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

          Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I am NEVER one to forget a bill, and my checkbook has only ever bounced once when I was charged multiple times by a company due to their error. Then a few months ago I paid for something pretty big with a check and completely forgot to write it down! Good thing I have an automatic transfer set up from my savings for things like that. I have never had to use it before, and probably never will again. Usually that would be a HUGE deal to me, but I just didn’t care.

          • Ariella August 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

            Thats it, I didn’t care. I just gave the girl the go ahead to pay the bill. I am very responsible when it comes to billing, but lately, I just don’t care. . .

            • beautifulmess7 August 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

              It’s crazy all the little ways this type of thing affects us. You will get through it! I’m thinking of you.

  2. Hope August 15, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

    Hugs! I hope you feel better. I was not having a great night yesterday but my caramel machiatto is making me feel a lot better!

  3. twistedlola August 14, 2012 at 8:45 pm #

    No apologies needed, as this is a place for you to come when you need to! The cake looks yummy though! Maybe if you grab a cupcake, lock yourself in the bathroom and just celebrate YOU…it could make you feel better. Maybe take the pressure off for just one minute. 🙂

    xoxo

    • beautifulmess7 August 14, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

      Gosh, that sounds so good!! I suppose birthdays are a good excuse to say fuck it to my diet for one day and eat some cake. 🙂

  4. Not Over It August 14, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    Hi Beautiful,
    I’m right there with you. For me, the upcoming special day is our 30th anniversary. It should be a day to celebrate. For a while I was dreading the day. Now I am just not looking forward to it. Celebrate what? An unfaithful union with a man who continues to stick pins into his little DJ doll?

    It’s been an exceptionally bad couple of days for me. I am gathering up all my good wishes to send to you for the special day in your lives tomorrow. I hope it turns out well.

    Love & prayers,
    DJ

    • beautifulmess7 August 14, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

      I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough few days DJ. I can certainly sympathize. I will be sending good thoughts your way, too.

  5. shawn8811 August 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’ve been cursing your H a lot. I’ve been hoping that you can find just a bit more strength to ride this out, because I have also been hoping that your H will get his ass together!
    Damn the roller coaster! It sucks hard.
    Perhaps tomorrow will bring some joyful moments. That’s what we all hope for, right?
    Hope & Hugs, Shawn
    http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/

    • beautifulmess7 August 14, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

      You and me both are hoping that he’ll get his ass together. I am sticking in there. Today has already improved. Maybe tomorrow won’t be awful…

  6. forgivingforme August 14, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    “I’m trying to find my happiness, but it isn’t bubbling up to the surface. I think maybe that’s okay sometimes. Being authentic entails an entire spectrum of emotions, and I’m at peace with that.” I know exactly what you mean!

    It’s ok to feel! It might not always be seemingly productive feelings, but they are necessary sometimes. I tend to have moments of exceptional clarity after a few days spent at rock bottom. So sometimes to let yourself be down can be what you need to reconnect with YOU.
    Like someone over mentions here, I find that the more we try to fight or unfeel what we feel, the bigger the struggle becomes and the more pain we face. Sometimes you just have to accept the moment and be in it.

    • beautifulmess7 August 14, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

      Yep. I’m learning to accept all of my feelings, whether they are “productive” or not. The truth is, any feling has a purpose and gets you somewhere…

  7. lifewithoutinstructions August 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm #

    Thanks for visiting me and following, I have done the same. It is amazing to me that we as a human will be happy with I am okay, I am not miserable today. It is such a complete reflection of infidelity and lying in general. I too often think, as long as I am not in the terrible depths of sick emotions, then I am just fine. I support your thinking! You are fine for now, and honestly eventually a good path will reveal itself. Believe it!

    • beautifulmess7 August 14, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

      Thanks. I don’t want to be okay with just being okay. But for today I can accept that is where I am emotionally. I appreciate your optimism. I needed that!

      • lifewithoutinstructions August 14, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

        your welcome…truly! After 3 years of punching ghosts I have learned its GREAT to just be okay…….and I will move down the path eventually!

        • lifewithoutinstructions August 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

          trust yourself….you are in more control then you realize

  8. A Dog With Fleas August 14, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    I hope you feel better and can find some peace and happiness with your volatile situation right now. You just need to worry about yourself and your own happiness since you realize you cannot control what he does. Let yourself just feel the emotions your feeling…….Hope you have better days ahead!!

    I’m hear if you need to talk!! Hugs to you my friend!!

    • beautifulmess7 August 14, 2012 at 11:41 am #

      It’s great advice. I would give it to myself. Funny how hard it is to follow through with, though.

      The support from people like you has already brought a genuine smile to my face that makes the world a bit brighter. Part of making your own happiness is surrounding yourself with wonderful people who care. Thanks! 🙂

      • A Dog With Fleas August 14, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

        You are more than welcome. I feel like I have walked this journey with you and only want nothing but the best. I am glad you have people on here who makes your day a bit brighter!!

  9. Lee Kaplanian August 14, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    In “A New Earth”, Eckert Tole talked about an incident with a client that has been very helpful to me. The woman was in a deep depression and asked her to to sense the emotion directly instead of through the filter of her unhappy story. He told her “At this moment, this is what you feel. There is nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment this is what you feel. Now, instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is, which adds more pain to the pain that is already there, is it possible for you to completely accept this is how you feel right now?” So, can you allow these feelings to be there. If you don’t mind being unhappy, what happens to the unhappiness? Think about it for a bit. I usually let things simmer on the back burner for awhile until it starts to make sense.

    • beautifulmess7 August 14, 2012 at 11:35 am #

      I love twisty thinking… I’m gonna give it a try!

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