… and I’m in a funk. We are barely speaking right now. Turns out he finally picked up his prescription yesterday after threats from me and a night on the couch. He apologized for his reaction and said that he hopes to get things under control. Somehow it really doesn’t feel like a victory. He also went to an IC session, which he said was available at the last-minute. I have no idea what they talked about, and I am losing the will to even care. I have to remind myself of the truth that he isn’t reliable right now. I can’t feel safe if I’m depending on him to make me feel that way. It’s just sad.
I am okay today: not great, but not miserable. I am finding it hard to get back into the swing of working. I have deep feelings of avoidance. I look at the things on my desk and in my inbox, and that’s it… I only look. I have a few phone calls to make, some interviews to line up, and a bunch of miscellaneous things to take care of, and all I want to do is crawl in a deep, dark place to be alone with my thoughts and a few good books. It’s not a very celebratory feeling. I have no idea how tomorrow is going to play out.
I have to focus on today, though. One moment at a time. I need an S-Anon meeting pretty bad. I should have gone to one last night, but the one on Mondays is about 45 minutes away. Instead I read. I bought about 10 new books over my vacation and have been making swift progress through them. They are fun, light, and have absolutely nothing to do with infidelity or codependence. Reading has been a great escape. Today I’m going to do a little more reading. I also wore one of the new shirts I bought on my outlet shopping trip. I feel pretty and polished. But also very funk-ish. I know that isn’t a word, but I don’t care (I’m sensing a theme here).
Sorry for the dark mood and depressing post… It’s just about all I can muster. I don’t even get a good lunch break today because I have to go to a meeting that I’m not looking forward to. I think his birthday tomorrow is just weighing everything down. I have been preparing for a month now at least. I was very excited. There are presents and fun plans. I’m just not invested in them anymore. I’m trying to find my happiness, but it isn’t bubbling up to the surface. I think maybe that’s okay sometimes. Being authentic entails an entire spectrum of emotions, and I’m at peace with that.
“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
– Lewis Carroll