Being a Sexual Woman

22 Aug

After finding that hilarious picture and posting it yesterday I realized that I don’t share a lot of that side of myself.  Sure, I talk about sex a lot in the context of my husband’s sex addiction, but I think I have allowed that cloud to affect my self-perception too much.  Just because my husband has a problem identifying healthy sexual behavior and controlling his urges to act out in inappropriate ways doesn’t mean I do.  Talking about sex as part of a fun, healthy relationship is not a bad thing, and neither is really enjoying loving, intimate sexual acts with my husband – even if they can get a little kinky sometimes.  😉

I’m not really sure how Mr. Mess would feel about me sharing things about our sex life, so I won’t really go into specifics about him.  I do, however, feel the need to talk about myself as a very sexual woman.  I probably am not “experienced” in the traditional sense of that word – at least when it comes to my quantity of sex partners.  In fact, I’ve only had 2.  Pick your jaw up off of the floor…  It is possible to be a 20-something in today’s society who hasn’t slept around a lot.

It’s not for lack of opportunities, but more from the fact that I want my sexual relationships to be with people I have a deep, meaningful connection with.  I’m not really a one night stand kinda girl.  I am also not interested in a relationship with everyone who is interested in me. I’ve had my share of men who were infatuated with me.  I even gave some of them a shot and dated a few times, thinking maybe once I got to know them better they would grow on me and maybe then I would feel sexually attracted.  That’s not really how things work, though.

Another reason I have had so few sexual partners is because I “paired off” very young – at only 15.  That relationship continued into my 20s.  7 years to be precise.  It was also with a woman.  I think I’ve posted that somewhere in here before, but it’s possible I haven’t.  I know that I have mentioned that my family is staunch, right wing Christian. We almost literally lived in church.  We went to Monday choir practice, Wednesday night service, Thursday music rehearsal (my Mom played the piano for the praise & worship), and BOTH services on Sunday because my Dad was an usher in addition to my Mom’s piano-playing, choir-directing duties.  Even as teenagers when we could drive we were required to attend all services “as a family.”

Given all of that, it should be pretty apparent that they were not open to the idea of their daughter being bisexual (or a lesbian, since at that time I wasn’t entirely sure myself).  They found out when I was 16.  I lived in Hell for the next 2 years.  I graduated right after my 17th birthday, but wasn’t allowed to move out.  That year was the worst of my entire life.  I moved out at 18 (the very day), and did my own thing for almost a year without speaking to them.  Eventually, they came around.  Don’t get me wrong, they always said I was “going to Hell.”  But they grew to accept and even like her.  She went on family trips with us, came to Christmas, they bought her birthday gifts, and the whole 9 yards.

Even though that relationship didn’t last, for reasons that are neither here nor there, I did explore my sexuality a lot during that time.  I enjoyed all sorts of sex, and we discovered things together.  We bought toys, used blindfolds, even tied each other up or used handcuffs sometimes.  We had passionate sex for a long time.  Then things started fading in the bedroom – what many in the community refer to as “lesbian bed death.”  I have always had a very high libido, but her – not so much.  Once things fizzled and eventually died, I had really come into my own sexually.  I was ready to explore.

As a young girl (because face it, that’s what I was at 15) I was somewhat frightened by the idea of a penis.  I had, of course, never been faced with one before and at that time couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be around “one of those.”  Experimenting, using toys, and yes, watching a little porn and Queer As Folk (which is basically gay porn wrapped up in a storyline, albeit a really great one IMO), I became much more comfortable with the idea.  Curious and eager even.  I realized more and more that I am truly bisexual – it is more about the entire package, who a person is on the inside, than what their outside “package” might be.

When I met my now husband and realized that spark was there, it was game on.  I, unfortunately, didn’t wait as long as I would have liked conceptually before jumping into bed.  We were sexual after our second date (the third time I had been out with him since I’m not counting the night we met as a date).  We had hours and hours of phone conversation by then, but still…  I have that slightly conservative core that comes out now and then, making me feel ashamed for giving away the goods so fast.  Oh well…  Although he is a sex addict, that didn’t seem to spill over into our dating life in a negative way at first (until 9 months to a year later with the porn and affair and all of that mess).  While dating, Mr. Mess was a gentleman.  In fact, in the inebriated, horny state I was in the night I met him I was ready to go at it right there in my car, parked in the middle of a city block.  He politely declined, talked some sense into me, and we parted company that night with the promise of a real date.  I guess I was special to him in the beginning…

The deep throating comment from yesterday’s post is not untrue.  I have realized that I really love giving oral sex.   It’s just a fact.  Giving another person pleasure, feeling that power and excitement, turns me on beyond belief.  I can actually orgasm just from making someone orgasm.  I get all tingly just thinking about it.  I’ve probably said far too much for my husband’s comfort level.  He is a very private person, and fairly easily embarrassed being open about this type of stuff, oddly enough.

Back to me.  I am a very sexual woman.  I would gladly have sex every day for the rest of my life.  In fact, that sounds marvelous.  As long as I can throw in a few marathon days here and there.  One orgasm is great, but multiple orgasms are ecstasy.  I love variety, and I’m certain I could ensure things never get boring.  For now, though, I am pacing myself.  I am giving my husband time to rediscover healthy sexuality and learn to control his addiction cycles.  I am being patient and biding my time for when my husband’s brain is reset and ready for all the sexy fun I have to offer.

10 Responses to “Being a Sexual Woman”

  1. Not Over It August 23, 2012 at 11:42 pm #

    Hi Beautiful – you are young enough to be my daughter, but I don’t mind telling you anyway that I love sex, too. Fortunately, so does Daniel. We are a great match when it comes to that.

    I saw a promo for a Dr. Oz show where they talked about that “elusive” orgasm. I thought, man, I must be abnormal. But no, I just have a marvelous partner and we both love giving and receiving pleasure.

    Good for you! And for me, too!

    • beautifulmess7 August 24, 2012 at 8:19 am #

      Yeah, I have never had a problem with organsms being “elusive.” I suppose that makes both of us very lucky! 🙂

      • survivamama August 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

        god ladies I’m jealous! funny I read this after writing about how “dry” things are in my neck of the woods. Could you send me some of what you all got 🙂 I’m so inhibited in front of my partners…it’s weird. But I love how open you are about it all. It’s such a natural and important part of a relationship/life.

  2. Castimonia August 23, 2012 at 11:21 am #

    Two things stand out to me when I read your post.

    1) The power of sex addiction. To have a wife, girlfriend, lover that is willing to be as sexual as you are and still try to act out sexually with pornography, masturbation, and other women amazes me. The sad reality is, in my addiction, no pornstar, prostitute, stripper, woman was enough. Sure it was enough for a short time, but then escalation would ensue and I would be looking for the next greater “high” in my sex addiction. I would lie to myself and say, “my wife won’t do these things, so I need to find them elsewhere.” A very BIG lie.

    2) The use of “written pornography” in your post. For a normal person, the language you chose to use would seem very graphic and they may choose not to read further. For a recovering sex addict, it can be triggering and they may choose to act out sexually after reading it (not for me at this time, though). Perhaps, it could steer the addict towards other “pornographic” content. I always counsel spouses to be careful with the type of language they use as to not escalate the addiction. Ultimately, it is the addict’s choice, we cannot control the world around us and must make a choice to remain sober ever after being triggerred. However, pornographic language has the same effect on the human brain (in terms of neurochemicals) as does pornographic photos or videos. The only difference is that it will take a bit longer, the addict’s imagination is a terrible curse, adding fuel to that fire is dangerous.

    As for what you do or say with your husband is your own business and none of mine (or anyone elses). Take what you like and leave the rest.

    • beautifulmess7 August 23, 2012 at 11:30 am #

      Thanks for your input. I definitely agree with you completely on #1. It is something that I didn’t grasp at all at first. I thought there HAD to be something lacking in me for him to turn away from me and toward pornography, sex chatting, or any other form of sexual fulfillment.

      I also appreciate your insight with #2. It is something I try to be conscious of, but obviously don’t do a great job with. It’s hard to filter my own sexuality from the perspective of a sex addict since I’m not one. I can understand where you’re coming from on this one, and might tweak my post a bit. If it’s not too much to ask, how can I really tell where that fine line is between expressing my healthy sexuality and “pornographic language?”

      • Castimonia August 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

        It looks like you already edited the paragraph with the explicit example on giving oral sex. This is the way we speak at meetings, in non-sexually graphic terms. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with “dirty talk” in the bedroom as long as both partners are consensual, but on a public forum dealing with sexual addiction, spouses of sex addicts, etc… the graphic sexual words and descriptions can be very triggering. I was triggered by it, however, I am far enough into my recover that I’m not going to go act out sexually because of it.

        We have statement in the rules of our meeting, “…names, locations, websites or explicit examples should not be shared…”

        One recovering sex addict blogger actually listed some of his favorite pornographic websites he liked to visit, just the titles alone were triggering. Mentioning explicit examples of sexual acts while using words normally not used in a public setting (think a school, library, office) would be considered explicit and pornographic. But these are just my opinions, not every sex addict who reads your posts will be triggered by these words.

  3. A Dog With Fleas August 22, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    I love this post. In this day and age, I don’t understand why people are so afraid to talk about their sexuality. It is a healthy feeling to want someone and for you to open up about it, I think is great.

    And I totally agree with everything you said. I love sex and could have it every day if I could!! 🙂 Does that make us horrible people? Absolutely not. It makes us human and there is nothing wrong with having a sexual appetite!!

    And I love the “Fuck Me” photo at the end. I am going to have to copy it and use it to send to a Mr. Someone…..really soon!! 🙂

    • beautifulmess7 August 22, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

      I love it, too. Although I can think of a few things I would like to add to the list… 😉

      You’re right. Sex is everywhere, but still as women sometimes we feel the need to hide those desires. It’s such a Catch 22. A woman needs to be sexy to be noticed, but if she is too sexual she is a slut – regardless of her “number.” I am fine with saying proudly that I like variety and lots of fun between the sheets. There’s nothing negative about that at all! 🙂

      • A Dog With Fleas August 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

        Nothing negative at all my friend. I totally agree with your comments. It is a Catch22, but as women we should embrace our sexuality and enjoy it!! That is the fun part! 🙂


  1. When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match: From the Perspective of a Woman Who Wants More Sex « Being a Beautiful Mess - September 18, 2012

    […] Being A Sexual Woman ( […]

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