Preparing for Full Disclosure (and a Wonderful Weekend)

30 Sep

Tuesday I am supposed to get a full disclosure from my husband at his therapist’s office.  He has been preparing for about 3 weeks.  He is going way back – from his first acting out through today.  I am nervous because I don’t know everything that is going to come out.  Our MC is back from his medical leave, so I am glad to have his support.  I have seen him for IC and I know if I need extra support he can offer it.  I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it, though.

In the meantime, I’m trying to focus on all the positive things happening to relieve some anxiety.  Today was incredibly nice.  We slept in, had a “roll in the hay,” then my husband went out to pick up coffee and came back with flowers for me.  We went to a winery tour, tasting and picnic in the afternoon.  On the way up we talked and laughed.  We touched, kissed, and were close emotionally all day.  The weather was as perfect as it has ever been, we purchased several bottles of delicious wine from 2 wineries, and dinner was amazing.  It was a fantastic day.

For now, that’s what I’m focused on…  Our present progress and where our future will take us.  I’m hoping that the full disclosure can create closure on the past and help me feel more trust in my husband.  This entire process has been hard for him, too, I’m sure, although he hasn’t complained once.

I know I promised to give some details and pictures from our anniversary, and I will do it soon.  I just want to bask in the glow of my wonderful day for now.  Hope the rest of your weekend is great!

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16 Responses to “Preparing for Full Disclosure (and a Wonderful Weekend)”

  1. letterstotheotherwoman October 1, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

    Glad you had a lovely weekend. Best to you for tomorrow.

  2. Castimonia October 1, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    Hope all goes well with you and your husband. Did you request a polygraph? This will help HIM prove that he is being honest about everything.

    • beautifulmess7 October 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

      We talked about it with his therapist. My husband is willing, and the therapist has a guy who he has used in the past. The real question is what kind of difference it will really make. We have to weigh the monetary cost with the real value to our relationship. I’m not really sure that there is one.

      Let me explain as best as I can… My husband’s acting out and sex addiction has been a problem in our relationship. We have had at least 3 or 4 pretty major incidences of him lying about big things related to his addiction. What has really eroded the foundation of our marriage, though, are the small, continual lies about stupid things. I have a fairly high level of confidence that I have all of the big details – the earth-shattering, life-changing, devastating behaviors and incidents. I also think he is ready to be completely honest.

      I am going to go with my gut on this one. I will see what he has to say, and what they have worked on with his disclosure. If I feel I have the whole truth, I think we can move forward with recovery and stop looking back at where he has been in the past. This is somewhat for me, but it is also largely for him to be able to have somewhere he can see all the behaviors that led him to the dark place he was in.

      • Castimonia October 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

        One of the sex addict’s core misbeliefs is “if she really knew what I did or who I was, she would not love me or would leave me.”

        There were sexual things in my disclosure that I had to tell my wife about that I never wanted to confess to anyone. The polygraph was key in me letting go of those secrets, otherwise I would have failed it.

        Secrets that remain secret are an addict’s worst enemy – they grow and fester and then we try to cover up the negative feelings by acting out.

        This is one reason I support the polygraph, but also another reason we do a public first step where the addict reads his first step to the group. It is such a relief to get those secrets out and allows for less of chance to fall back into the addiction.

        Keep in mind, at least for us, for the following 2 weeks, as acting out memories came to mind, I told my wife about them until she said enough was enough.

        • beautifulmess7 October 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

          How long did you work on yours? It seems strange to me that with preparation you would still have things coming up 2 weeks after that hadn’t been disclosed.

          • Castimonia October 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

            I had almost a month to work on it. However, because of the multitude of acting out partners I had, I couldn’t remember them all. Because my pornography use started at age 4, I was asked to begin my disclosure from age 18 until present, specifically focusing on the time from when I met my wife up until the disclosure.

            To give you an idea of how bad I was, my SAST score was a 19 out of 20. Fortunately, I was never involved with children or animals, but there are some sex addicts that go that far.

            Had I truly written down every acting out instance I had, it would have possibly taken all 3 days of our intensive to do the disclosure.

            The disclosure removes the top few layers of acting out – affair partners, anonymous sex partners, masturbation to pornography, etc… but because of the amount of acting out, the following up “check ins” were important. For example, I completely forgot to mention the ONE time I followed a neighbor from an apartment complex I used to live at because I knew she was a stripper and wanted to know at what club she worked. This was 6 years before I met my wife, but still relavent to get out. Little things like that kept coming to my mind and I would have to tell her these things in order to not keep them a secret. She agreed but after 2 weeks of little this, little that, it became irrelevant to her because it was mostly things that happened before we even met.

            • beautifulmess7 October 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

              I think that might be where I’m at… A lot of things are going to be fairly irrelevant to me. It’s not that I don’t want to know about his history, or want him to dig deep for himself to find all of the issues.

              For me, though, most of the acting out before our relationship – except anything big – is not very important. It isn’t going to affect where we are right now or how our recovery goes, except the extent to which he is willing to admit the truth to himself.

              I’m not sure how in-depth they are going. I don’t know what they have talked about the last 3 sessions in preparation. I don’t know all of the ways his therapist will be using his disclosure to help him move forward in his recovery. I’m just going to have to find out tomorrow.

              I also do not believe my husband has had a great number of acting out partners. Again, I’m not sure of his “number,” but I know it isn’t astronomical. That’s definitely not to say that he is an angel… far from it. I know I will hear some things that will be disturbing. I just don’t know how a polygraph will help…

              Especially if you took a polygraph, passed, and still had things that hadn’t been revealed. That actually makes me feel rather leary…

            • beautifulmess7 October 3, 2012 at 12:24 am #

              Okay, you win (not that this was ever a competition). I bow to your experience and knowledge. Some of my previous comments to you now seem very naive and incredibly embarrassing.

              I am going to need the polygraph. His “number” is fairly astronomical. Some things he did before we met do cut deeper than I expected them to. Sigh…

              One thing has held true, though. I still love him. Nothing he said changed that.

            • Castimonia October 4, 2012 at 9:03 am #

              The idea is that the spouse can continue to ask general questions about the activities and the addict should be honest about them. The idea is NOT to get into specific details (name of hotels, acting out locations, sexual positions/activities) or the spouse could be further traumatized and actually have “flashbacks” when she drives down the road.

              One of the things my wife regrets is that she found out the name of two hotels in which I acted out with my affair partner and everytime she drives by those places (off the freeway) she gets a suttle unhealthy reminder.

              As we say in my Castimonia meeting, “…names, locations, websites, or explicit examples should not be shared…”

              This remains true for the disclosure unless the spouse knows the other person or location, i.e. best friend at her house or in your own house, etc…

              As for the polygraph, understand that it is a tool to help the addict be rigorously honest. Yes, it helps restore some trust for the spouse, but ultimately, it helps keep the addict honest. Sex addiction thrives in dishonesty and secrets. If we are to remain sober, we must be honest.

              There is a good book on my list titled, “Hope & Freedom for Sexual Addicts and their Partners” by Milton Magness that discusses a proper disclosure and why we use a polygraph.

              At this point, you might ask him if he left anything important out of his disclosure then mention the use of a polygraph to him and see how he reacts. If he is willing to take it, chances are he was being open and honest.

              I would also recommend that you continue to ask questions about the activities you heard and let him understand that it is “safe” to tell you anything else.

              • beautifulmess7 October 4, 2012 at 9:15 am #

                He actually is the one who said he would like to take the polygraph. I also have been doing what you suggested in your last paragraph. We also aren’t getting into specifics, just generalities. I did ask what sex acts and whether protection was used. At first he said yes, but when oral was mentioned he admitted protection was never used for that.

                I have also read the book you mentioned and found it helpful.

  3. Elsie October 1, 2012 at 10:29 am #

    Hi Beautiful,
    I wanted to let you know I am thinking about you today. I hope your Disclosure goes as well as can be expected tomorrow. I’m glad you guys are having it in your counselors office, a safe environment for you both – such a great place! It’s where I had my final day of my last one. (Much better than at home.) You both have made such tremendous strides in your own recoveries and you’re so strong, Beautiful – I’ll hold you in my heart. Be well.

    • beautifulmess7 October 1, 2012 at 10:49 am #

      Thank you for your kind words. I just have to breathe when I think about it. On one hand, I will be glad to get it over. On the other hand, I am petrified of what may come out. It is good that it will be in a safe environment. We will also be driving separately because I will be coming from work. I think that is probaby for the best so I can have the drive home to process everything.

  4. rgonaut September 30, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

    Sounds lovely!

  5. A Dog With Fleas September 30, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    Good luck this week on the Full Disclosure, but like you said, for now just bask in the glow of your wonderful weekend. Glad to hear it was a good one for you two!!

  6. Stacia September 30, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

    Glad you had an awesome weekend!!!!!

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  1. More Details About Disclosure « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 4, 2012

    […] Preparing for Full Disclosure (and a Wonderful Weekend) (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com) […]

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