Facing Reality Sucks

3 Oct

… so I’ve been avoiding it. 

We had the disclosure last night.  I’m not going to use the word “full” yet, because I know there are some things he didn’t go over in very much detail at all.  There were a few places he skimmed a bit.  There are som things he didn’t cover in his disclosure that have already come out, which means it is at least somewhat incomplete.  We will definitely need to talk more about his feelings and thought-processes leading up to his actions.  I do think most of the layers of the onion are peeled and visible.  There was more than I thought there would be once it was all laid out in front of me.

I thought I was prepared.  I mostly was.  Then the silliest thing jumped up and ripped my heart out.  It wasn’t even about his actions per say.  I got confirmation that he has been lying to me about something that I knew he was lying about.  Being faced with that reality made me look at it in a way I never had before.  Even though I had a gut feeling that was pretty solid before the revelation, I had never let my mind process everything through to its logical conclusion.  There was always the tiniest glint of hope that what he told me was the truth.  Once the reality was staring me in the face, I was forced to see that someone else I have grown to respect and like may have been involved in a way I don’t want to face.  I still don’t have a resolution on that issue – Mr. Mess is going to get a few questions answered for clarity sake.  I fear that I may lose someone I have come to think of as a friend and an activity that I have fallen in love with.

There was also a deeper revelation about his past that I didn’t see coming.  I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming – in hindsight all of the signs were there, and I know that sex addiction escalates.  It still took me by surprise.  I don’t know how I feel about it.  I don’t know how TO feel about it.

So I’m not.  I’ve browsed eBay (so far, I haven’t bought anything, but my “Watch List” suddenly went from nothing to 20).  I vented my frustration in an email to a company that has been yanking me around and picked the wrong day to mess with me.  I have read other people’s blogs – more to distract myself than to offer any real support or advice.  I don’t have any of that right now.  I have cleared out my computer, organized files, and any other mindless task I can think of.

I have lost 3 pounds overnight from the stomach issues I’ve experienced.  All I’ve managed to eat so far today is half an apple, which made me feel nauseous.  I did make sure to take my antidepressant this morning, even as zombied out as I was.  I need to go to lunch now.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do with an hour alone in my house.  Try to eat something.  Probably watch something mindless from my DVR.  Maybe manage a sentence or two in my journal.  Probably call my Mom and set up a day soon to have lunch, or just come to her house and curl up on her couch.  I am seriously considering calling our MC for an individual appointment soon.  I know I need to process this, and I probably need help to do it.

I am keeping everything in mind that I said yesterday.  I’m not angry with my husband.  I’m not judging him.  I’m just numb.  This is a totally different feeling than discovering something on my own.  It is far better than THAT feeling, but it is so new that I don’t know what to do with it.

Some rights reserved by Marco Bellucci

As a side note:  How fucked up is it that when I typed “avoiding reality” into the image search engine I got tons and tons of porn images.  It just makes me feel sick and also sad.  I knew pornography was used by many as an unhealthy coping mechanism and a way to avoid reality, but to have it come up automatically with that tame, G-rated search made my heart hurt.


12 Responses to “Facing Reality Sucks”

  1. pandaqueen1001 October 4, 2012 at 2:32 am #

    I’m so sorry to hear disclosure has been difficult….my thoughts are with you as you receive and process this new information. I hope writing about all this has helped some, however difficult it may be to share. And I also hope you know there is a lot of positive energy being sent your way.

    • beautifulmess7 October 4, 2012 at 8:09 am #

      I really appreciate that. I think I will be sharing some of the things that were difficult for me to process today.

  2. A Dog With Fleas October 3, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

    I am so sorry you are going through this again. But it sounds like you are taking the right steps to protect yourself from it as well. Talk to your MC and give yourself time to process everything. Will be thinking of you and good luck.

  3. letterstotheotherwoman October 3, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

    When I get that numb feeling, my counselor recommends getting outside or somehow immersing yourself in an environment, looking all around and noticing your senses. What are you seeing? Smelling? Hearing? Feeling the warmth of sun or a breeze. Of course, sometimes we all need that numb feeling to help compartmentalize the feelings until we’re ready to deal with them, I think. I hope you are able to process this well on your own time.

    • beautifulmess7 October 4, 2012 at 11:25 pm #

      Thanks! I got outside, sat on a swing, listened to the leaves rustle in the wind, felt the coolness of the night air surround me… got a ton of mosquito bites. 🙂 Now those marks on my legs are a reminder to me to get outside of my head a bit, though. Oddly, they have been an anchor back to reality.

  4. rgonaut October 3, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    Can’t like your situation. Can’t really even imagine it because it’s so completely outside my own experience that there are people who have these kinds of problems. I’m glad you’re writing about it. Keep doing that. If you were silent then there would be more cause for worry.

  5. Our Journey After His Affair October 3, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

    I wish I knew how to help you, but I don’t….at least not with the vague information. I know you may want to keep it close to process it before saying anything about it and that is understandable. But at the same time, I know how you like to have control over situations/outcomes as well and I know how damaging that can be.

    I agree that an appointment with your MC would be very helpful right now, especially if it is something you don’t want to disclose on your blog. But, remember that there are a lot of people here who would love to help you out with this. I’ve always believed that those with experience are much better at helping than those who are just knowledgeable.

    Things happen in ways that we don’t like for them to sometimes and we have no control over that. I think that you may be holding on for fear of losing control, thus it is making you sick and numb. I really think you need to talk to someone you trust about everything very soon.

    I am sorry to hear that you have been slammed with hurtful information again. Irregardless of whether you kind of knew about it before or not doesn’t make the truth hurt any less. Don’t stew on it alone any longer.

    • beautifulmess7 October 3, 2012 at 1:18 pm #

      Thank you for your concern. I have already talked to a close friend and my Mom about it. I was also able to talk to his therapist a bit yesterday. I am making sure that I bounce my thoughts off of people who can help me process. I definitely want to make an IC appointment for myself ASAP, but I have to juggle my work schedule around a little bit.

      I am holding off on details right now because I am waiting for my husband to really think about how much he is comfortable with me revealing here. It took him a lot to tell me everything he did. It was courageous, and I feel relieved and grateful that he trusted me enough to put himself out there and be vulnerable. I don’t want to do anything to put that in jeopardy while we are both so raw.

      Again, thank you for offering your insight. I appreciate that you pointed out things that I do need to be aware of.

      • Our Journey After His Affair October 3, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

        And I don’t do that to be a bitch, but to be helpful.

        Sometimes I come across as the former, but my intentions are always the latter. This is something I am working on right now….trying to not be such an intimidating and domineering person.

        “It was courageous, and I feel relieved and grateful that he trusted me enough to put himself out there and be vulnerable. I don’t want to do anything to put that in jeopardy while we are both so raw.” You are certainly right about that!!! What he did was admirable and I know you are trying to be as graceful as possible in reacting.

        • beautifulmess7 October 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

          I know exactly what you mean. I have the same struggle. I was shocked the first time someone told me I am intimidating. Then the comment kept coming, from different people, so I had to accept it was true. Just having that awareness has shaped how I present myself, although I’m sure I’m still intimidating at times. Introverts tend to be intimidating in general because of the way today’s society is focused, but I digress.


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