… so I’ve been avoiding it.
We had the disclosure last night. I’m not going to use the word “full” yet, because I know there are some things he didn’t go over in very much detail at all. There were a few places he skimmed a bit. There are som things he didn’t cover in his disclosure that have already come out, which means it is at least somewhat incomplete. We will definitely need to talk more about his feelings and thought-processes leading up to his actions. I do think most of the layers of the onion are peeled and visible. There was more than I thought there would be once it was all laid out in front of me.
I thought I was prepared. I mostly was. Then the silliest thing jumped up and ripped my heart out. It wasn’t even about his actions per say. I got confirmation that he has been lying to me about something that I knew he was lying about. Being faced with that reality made me look at it in a way I never had before. Even though I had a gut feeling that was pretty solid before the revelation, I had never let my mind process everything through to its logical conclusion. There was always the tiniest glint of hope that what he told me was the truth. Once the reality was staring me in the face, I was forced to see that someone else I have grown to respect and like may have been involved in a way I don’t want to face. I still don’t have a resolution on that issue – Mr. Mess is going to get a few questions answered for clarity sake. I fear that I may lose someone I have come to think of as a friend and an activity that I have fallen in love with.
There was also a deeper revelation about his past that I didn’t see coming. I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming – in hindsight all of the signs were there, and I know that sex addiction escalates. It still took me by surprise. I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t know how TO feel about it.
So I’m not. I’ve browsed eBay (so far, I haven’t bought anything, but my “Watch List” suddenly went from nothing to 20). I vented my frustration in an email to a company that has been yanking me around and picked the wrong day to mess with me. I have read other people’s blogs – more to distract myself than to offer any real support or advice. I don’t have any of that right now. I have cleared out my computer, organized files, and any other mindless task I can think of.
I have lost 3 pounds overnight from the stomach issues I’ve experienced. All I’ve managed to eat so far today is half an apple, which made me feel nauseous. I did make sure to take my antidepressant this morning, even as zombied out as I was. I need to go to lunch now. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with an hour alone in my house. Try to eat something. Probably watch something mindless from my DVR. Maybe manage a sentence or two in my journal. Probably call my Mom and set up a day soon to have lunch, or just come to her house and curl up on her couch. I am seriously considering calling our MC for an individual appointment soon. I know I need to process this, and I probably need help to do it.
I am keeping everything in mind that I said yesterday. I’m not angry with my husband. I’m not judging him. I’m just numb. This is a totally different feeling than discovering something on my own. It is far better than THAT feeling, but it is so new that I don’t know what to do with it.
As a side note: How fucked up is it that when I typed “avoiding reality” into the image search engine I got tons and tons of porn images. It just makes me feel sick and also sad. I knew pornography was used by many as an unhealthy coping mechanism and a way to avoid reality, but to have it come up automatically with that tame, G-rated search made my heart hurt.