The two most shocking things from disclosure concerned his bachelor party and his history with chat rooms and anonymous sexual partners. I am still processing some things from the bachelor party and waiting on the answer to a few questions that he was unsure of (mostly concerning the timeline, when the plan was made to do what happened, and who was involving in the planning). His best man came to me well in advance of his bachelor party, and ask me what would make me feel comfortable and what was off-limits. I asked that the party not entail strippers or live, naked women of any kind (you have to be specific sometimes with that bunch). My husband was also adamant about that before-hand. I say this to clarify that I didn’t have to volunteer the information that I didn’t want strippers – I was asked about what would make me comfortable, then promised that my feelings would be respected.
It turns out there were strippers involved with his bachelor party, complete with multiple lap dances and naked lady parts all over my soon-to-be husband. There was a trip to the “back room.” He said he wasn’t aware of what was going to happen until after the got there and had already been drinking. By that point he wasn’t able (willing, whatever word you want to use) to say no. He said if he knew ahead of time he wouldn’t even have gone to the party. Not going at all and putting his foot down in advance would have been easier for him than saying no face-to-face with the peer pressure of his friends, especially once he was already drunk and high. He didn’t have the balls to say no because he didn’t want to look “pussy whipped.” Gag!
I believe him that he didn’t know in advance, but I am so incredibly hurt that he didn’t stand up for me, for himself, for the promise he made to me, for our soon-to-be marriage. I am very hurt about all of the lies he told me afterwards, all the way up to 2 days ago. I feel sick thinking about it. I also get flashes of anger. We had talked about strip clubs extensively. He had lied to me about going to strip clubs on several occasions in the past, so it wasn’t a secret in any way, shape, or form that I already felt betrayed by him in regard to strippers.
A month or so before his bachelor party we also had a HUGE blow-up incident because he was blatantly checking out another woman at a bar in front of me in a very disrespectful way. The wedding almost didn’t happen because of that, and we had a very long, very emotional conversation about my boundaries. I told him then that I feel disrespected and devalued when he does those things, and I will not accept that in my relationship. I can say with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t have married him if I was aware of what happened that night. We aren’t in the past, though. I think I can move beyond that now. I am upset, though. I don’t know what to do.
However, I would really like to know whether his best man lied to my face to give me a false sense of security, or whether the planning was done by someone else and materialized after that conversation. That distinction is very important to me. It doesn’t make a difference in my marriage, but it does make a difference regarding his best man, who has recently made a re-entry into our lives on a very regular basis.
He didn’t owe me anything, really – my husband was the one who made commitments and promises to me that I had the right to trust in. Still, I always thought he was a friend of our relationship – one of Mr. Mess’s only decent friends (there is only one other friend of his that I have felt close and safe with besides his best man). It’s possible that he didn’t plan things to go the way they did.
The best man’s younger brother has been a constant thorn in the side of our relationship since the beginning. He was the one “responsible for” the strippers. I have no illusions about him, and wouldn’t trust a single word that ever came out of his mouth. He is Bad News in every way I can think of – alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, immature, pushy, an overall bully, and someone who hasn’t had a real relationship or commitment to another person in his adult life (except for a married stripper that he was dating for a bit).
I didn’t think his best man was like that, though. I always thought he had more integrity than his brother. He has been married for ages, and he always struck me as an upstanding, honest person. He is the only person who could have convinced me that my boundaries were going to be respected. His word to me before the bachelor party is the only reason I have held onto a shred of hope that what my husband told me happened (or didn’t happen) was the truth. At this moment I don’t know how much he knew about the strippers or when. If he lied to my face to make me feel safe while planning all along to disregard what we talked about, I don’t know how I will react. It may also ruin a new sport that I have grown to love.
I am trying not to live in “what ifs.” I am trying to put my feelings in perspective. I am trying to reconcile whether he can still be a part of our lives – whether I should let it go until or unless another situation comes up where I would have to trust him or his integrity. I am trying to figure out why that betrayal hurts worse than anything else I heard. I am trying, trying, trying to wrap my brain around this. I think I will post an article later that really resonated with me on this topic.
As for the other information… I discovered my husband has been visiting chat rooms for the purpose of having sexual encounters since the invention of the internet (basically). I also discovered that he has slept with somewhere in the ballpark of 50 women off of those chat rooms (he isn’t certain of the number). That activity – sex chatting, phone sex, pictures, then finally culminating in an in-person encounter – was a constant pattern in his life, happening at least 2-3 times per year. When he had slept with one woman he ignored her from that point forward and the cycle repeated itself. That happened four times during our relationship.
After revealing his random sex partners off of the internet over the course of almost 20 years, he said that he “always” used protection with them. Later I asked what sexual activities they engaged in (just the basics, no details). When he mentioned oral and anal sex, I had to ask again… So you always used a condom with all sexual contact? He said yes. Then I clarified a third time – including oral and anal? Suddenly, the story changed, and he realized that NO, he in fact did NOT use protection every time. He only concerned himself with condoms for vaginal sex, even though STDs can also be transmitted through other sexual contact.
In that circumstance, I needed to ask those questions to feel safe. I don’t know how long some sexually transmitted diseases can stay dormant or which ones he could be a carrier of without recent symptoms. I do know that he hasn’t been tested since 2003, and I have never been. That makes me worried, especially because his last sex hookup off of a chat room was 6 months before we met. So that question was one I needed to be triple sure of.
So far, those have been the two areas of his disclosure where I asked for more details than he provided (for the most part, with the exception of basic clarification). I really have to make the distinction – what will help me heal and what will keep me stagnant? What do I NEED to know, and what will keep me from moving forward?
There will be plenty of other details that I won’t be asking. There will be many things I don’t want to know. There may be things that come up that I realize are important. We shall see. For now, I’m looking forward to getting a resolution on those few things, and to talking to the MC in an individual session tomorrow.
- Preparing for Full Disclosure (and a Wonderful Weekend) (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Full Disclosure (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Facing Reality Sucks (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)