13 Responses to “I Asked for a Separation: The Chicken and the Pig”

  1. emily January 8, 2013 at 5:54 am #

    Its so simple..he is not getting tested because he is shit scared of testing positive for something

    • beautifulmess7 January 8, 2013 at 7:22 am #

      Yes. That is the simple truth. Even now, over 3 months later, he has not been tested to my knowledge.

  2. Rollercoasterider October 16, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

    I am so sorry. Your situation has had me concerned as it has progressed. You seem like a strong woman–not the victim type at all!
    I believe in marriage, but that doesn’t mean I feel there aer exceptions to my no-divorce rule. Addictions is one of those exceptions–he is refusing recovery. Serial affairs are another exception–and since his addiction is sex–that’s two exceptions right there.
    And you have been doing the work to earn your way either into reconciliation or out of your marriage.
    I also did not think you were behaving codependently in that situation. You had a Knowing–an inuitive hit or whatever you want to call it. I discovered that if I ignore those, they bring anxiety–even if I am not mentally feeling anxious my body reacts with the physiological symptoms of panic and anxiety.
    When you said you asked for a separation, what did that mean? Here’s what I mean by my question: I am a sticker for precise language. When Sweetheart asked me for a divorce, I told him ‘no.’ Hey, he was asking! Were you asking for permission or agreement–did it need to be a joint decision that he could void by disagreeing?

    What did asking for–or saying you wanted–a separation mean for that day? Did it mean he could come home, stay the night and you would talk about it? Basically, how firm was the boundary? Did you or do you have a formal Plan of Action for boundary breaches?

    Ex: For me it was if Sweetheart was continuing his relationship with the alienator he could not live at home and he could not be in a marital relationship with me until she was out of the picture. So when I discovered he was still seeing her (this was back in 2007), I kicked him out. I was not perfect in the boundary, he came home the first night and I packed his bags while he was at work the next day. When he got home, he entered through the back door and I walked him through the house and out the front. No explanation was necessary because Boundaries are communicated ahead of time; he knew why.

    So what are you doing now then–regarding separation? Are you waiting for counseling on Thursday to decide? Are you not in the same house now? And what do you think you should be doing?

    • beautifulmess7 October 17, 2012 at 8:38 am #

      If you haven’t noticed yet, your thoughtful comments inspired an epic string of posts last night. Thank you for making me really think about those questions.

      • Rollercoasterider October 17, 2012 at 11:23 am #

        Yes, I was amazed and so flattered.
        I’ve just read your post from this morning and am getting ready to respond.

  3. the other side of infidelity October 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm #

    Has your counselor… or you for that matter… ever considered him to be a narcissist? The lies compounded on lies along with his total disregard for your safety…

    My ex husband made the same excuses about not getting tested. My response was “exactly how much money is my health worth to you??”

    And the co-dependency struggle I so understand, and it’s hard to differentiate between what is paranoia and what is a gut feeling something is wrong. My counselor tried to tell me back then.. and 9 times out of 10, its true… the paranoia of checking up on him usually doesn’t turn up anything of significance, but when a gut feeling won’t go away, generally there is something to be found. Your searching the computer that day wasn’t co-dependency. You walked away from it long enough to let the paranoia fade if that’s what it was. You had a gut feeling something was off and you were right.

    And even if he was “just getting information”, deleting history is never the right move. The only time that is ok is when you are online shopping for gifts! 🙂

    I’m sorry you are having a shitty time of it. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass, because you are worth a hell of a lot more than he’s giving.

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 6:31 pm #

      I LOVE that come back!!! I may have to use it in therapy because it is so true. The sadder thing is that I went to the SAME EXACT PLACE yesterday and only paid $25 for the full panel of STD tests, an instant strep culture, and diagnosis of an ear infection. I called my insurance company to double check about coverage, and they said everything is covered by my copay, including the lab who will test the blood.

      He DOES have different health insurance than me (although now I question if he really has it at all), so they could have different coverage rules. HOWEVER, I do know that the doctor’s office could NOT have told him how much the test would be through his insurance because they couldn’t tell ME that when I asked.

      So, about the narcissistic personality thing… I have definitely considered it. Our marriage counselor suggested he get tested with a psychiatrist in his office for ADHD and bipolar, but didn’t mention that specifically. I would really, really like him to get tested for personality disorders or other mental imbalances because I really think he has something deeper going on. That will definitely be a condition of ending this separation.

      Thank you for reinforcing that there is a difference between codependency/ co-addict behavior and trusting myself. I needed that reminder. I also think I am worth a hell of a lot more than he’s giving me. I don’t want to settle anymore, so he had better step up!

  4. Elsie October 16, 2012 at 5:44 pm #

    This just breaks my heart to read, Beautiful. I’m proud you’re sticking by your BA. Who knows what your future holds with the two of you but for now, if you feel it’s best for your serenity and your peace to be apart, then so be it. I’m proud of your strength. I’ll hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

      Thank you. I don’t want this to be a permanent thing. I want him to result, actively pursue recovery. I can’t control that, though. What I can control is my serenity, like you said. That’s what I’m striving for now.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I’m Getting Tired of Talking About Lying « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 28, 2012

    […] got gout in September.  Finally, there was the STD testing fiasco (the very long story of that is here).  That was the last straw for me.  I asked him for a separation.  He has been out of the house […]

  2. What’s Next? What SHOULD We Be Doing? « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 17, 2012

    […] I Asked for a Separation: The Chicken and the Pig (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com) […]

  3. Codependent Behavior or Simply Trusting My Gut? « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 16, 2012

    […] I Asked for a Separation: The Chicken and the Pig (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com) […]

  4. Collective Wisdom « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 16, 2012

    […] people.  Today was no exception.  I decided to post some of my previously private ramblings (here) which included more details about the incident and conversation leading up to my present […]

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