I wrote the below post on Saturday. First I wrote down in my journal all of the things that he said to me on the fateful date of the HUGE recent lie. I wanted to remind myself of how things progressed and what he actually said – to prove to myself that I am NOT going crazy. I know he will probably remember things waaayyy differently come marriage counseling on Thursday, so I was writing down some of it in shorthand as we talked.
I also added some stuff from my journal that has been bouncing around in my head. I hoped to make some sense of it. So far things are still just bouncing around like crazy. However, now that I’ve had a few days to review what I wrote I thought it might be helpful to share my feelings here. I’m not angry now, and I really wasn’t angry when I wrote this, but I still wanted to make sure I was fulfilling my “No angry blogging” promise in our boundary agreement. Even though he’s broken it several times in the last two weeks, it still matters to me for some reason.
Here it is (Warning: it is probably the longest thing I have ever published on here by far, probably because I never originally intended to publicize it).
I found out about more lies.
After his revelation of up to 50 random sex partners off of internet chat rooms, he promised me to get STD tested. He told me he did it last Friday, and the results would be mailed in 3-5 days. It didn’t come this week. He blamed it on the holiday.
I’ve been feeling crappy this week. I have an ear infection (lots of pain, pressure, can’t hear well) and a sore throat (my right tonsil is HUGE, hence the pressure in my ear). I’ve also been having chills, a slight fever, body aches, and have been very, very tired. I got up this morning planning to go to S-Anon, but the pain in my ear was horrible and my throat looked awful. He convinced me to stay home (it really didn’t take too much convincing, honestly), and went to his meeting.
I got in a huge sweatshirt, comfy pants, AND a big robe and sat myself down under a heated blanket on the couch in front of the TV with my laptop in my lap. Netflix had sent me an email earlier in the week that Private Practice Season 5 is now available. I decided to get caught up, so I pulled up the Netflix streaming account on our internet-enabled TV.
I started from the last episode I had seen, and used my laptop to check my email and eBay listings. About 20 minutes into the episode, everything froze up. The internet on my laptop went out, and the TV show just stopped. I tried the troubleshooting through the laptop (sometimes that can fix the internet issues). That didn’t work, which meant I would actually have to get up and go into the computer room where our desktop computer, cable internet box, and router are.
Reluctantly I removed myself from my cocoon on the couch, and made my way into the other room. I disconnected the internet box and wireless router, waited a few seconds, and plugged them both in. I decided to check the internet from there rather than go all the way back to the den and have to come back to fix something else. The internet came up immediately. Suddenly I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I haven’t checked the internet history in months, but I got the feelings that I needed to.
I tried to fight it. I actually got up and went to the bathroom. I argued with myself about how looking wouldn’t do anything. I told myself that I don’t have control over anything, and checking up on him wouldn’t accomplish anything. I thought I had convinced myself to just go back to my TV show, and I walked into the computer room “just to turn off the light.” Of course, I noticed I had left the computer up and went over “just to put it to sleep.” Riiiiggght. Anyone who has had this internal battle with themselves or deals with codependency issues knows what happened next.
I opened up Internet Explorer and clicked the history tab. A list of websites appeared, and my eye immediately went to the myriad of STD pages. Then I saw the Yellow Pages website. I also saw (through means I am not going to reveal here) that he had manually deleted those portions of the history, obviously trying to hide them from me. The feeling in my stomach got worse.
I went to the STD sites and didn’t find anything especially interesting. I went to the Yellow Pages site to see if there is a “recently searched” feature. I didn’t find it.
Of course, the first thought on my mind is that the only reason he would hide STD sites from me is that he didn’t get tested. It could also be that he got the results and isn’t clean, but knowing my lazy husband, he just didn’t go.
I set out to prove my theory. I logged into our joint bank account (his first choice usually when paying for medical care), and took a look over the last week’s transactions. I did not find the place he said he went. I even went farther back than I should have to AND did a search. Nope. No charge. I checked his personal account (tied to the same account login). Again, no medical facility charge. I logged into his credit card account. Nope. I did discover that he is $150 over his limit, which he didn’t tell me, but he might not even know. Whatever.
I went back and checked the joint account again. Then every other possible source that he could have paid for. I think I even checked some a third time. Nope. He definitely did NOT go. I sent him a text message that said, “You’ve been lying to me and hiding things again. Don’t plan to come home until you are ready to tell me the WHOLE truth.”
That was probably around 10:20 am or so. His meeting goes until 10:30 am. He called me around 10:45 am. He claimed to have no idea what I was talking about. He made a big show of being “confused” about what I am saying he is hiding or lying about. He asked me to tell him what I meant. I told him that I am done giving away the information I find out. He knows what he lied to me about.
He still claimed absolutely innocence. He begged me to tell him what it was. I refused. I said that unless he wants to claim invasion of the body snatchers he knows exactly what he did. He said he has no idea what I mean by that. I explained that unless he is going to somehow say that his body was doing things he doesn’t know about, he is well aware of what he lied to me about.
This back and forth continued. He offered up some lame thing about using our joint account for personal stuff (coffee, junk food, who-knows-what at work) instead of his personal funds. I stayed silent. He asked if that was it. I said “No, although I did notice that.” He said he hadn’t been taking cash out without telling me (like he did last week). I stayed silent.
He said he really can’t think of what it could be. I told him that he must not be thinking hard enough. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I caved (I shouldn’t have), and said that it shouldn’t be that hard to remember since it was just yesterday.
Then he said something like, “What, the STD research?” I won’t bore you with too many details, but his claim was that he was just trying to find out more about STDs and how long it takes to get the test back since his results hadn’t come yet. He said he was curious, yada, yada, yada.
Again, I gave up information that I shouldn’t have, and asked why he deleted the history and tried to hide that search.
He swore up and down that he didn’t. He said he has no reason to, that there is nothing wrong with what he searched for. He asked me why he would hide something like that.
I said something like, “Maybe because you never got tested and you were trying to hide that from me.”
Cue more lies. He swore he went and got tested.
He said, “The joint account.”
I blew that out of the water with my research.
He finally said he was going to go by there on his way home to “find out what is going on and straighten things out.”
“Okay,” was my only reply. I no longer even had the ability to believe the lies coming out of his mouth.
About an hour later he called and said, “You are right.”
I said, “I know I am.”
He confessed that he never got tested. He said that it was going to cost $600 because insurance wouldn’t cover it. He said he was trying to find somewhere less expensive. He claimed the health department will do it for like $300.
He has claimed that he got STD tested twice in the past. Hearing that amount and knowing how broke and irresponsible he was for most of his adult life, I asked if he had ever really gotten tested like he said. After sidestepping and other bullshit, he settled on the story that he had limited testing – just for HIV, gonorrhea, and syphilis. I still don’t think I believe that. I believe he completely made-up the time-frame that he claims he was tested before. I really don’t think he remembers when it was or what exactly he was tested for.
Regardless, he again lied by leading me to believe that he had been fully tested and was completed safe. There was more than one occasion over the course of our relationship where he made that claim – both at the beginning and more recently.
During our conversation he also revealed that another problem he has with the place he was going to go is that they want to test for everything, that you can’t choose which ones to get. I practically yelled over the phone that HE NEEDS TO BE TESTED FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! He said he knows and that the health department will do that. He said that they aren’t open until Monday. I reminded him that they have been open all week. He offered another pitiful excuse about not getting off work on time this week to go by there.
It was right about there in the conversation that I realized I can’t take any more. I asked for a separation. I can’t live in the same house with someone who continues to lie to me like that. I can’t live with someone who puts my requests, my safety, and my peace of mind at the bottom of his list – even after a job he hates. It was also a lie about the time he got off work last week – he could have been tested if he wanted to be. I realized that he doesn’t care enough to put forth the effort this marriage requires. I realized that over the last week I have dealt with multiple breaches to our Boundary Agreement. I realized that I can’t move forward with someone who won’t be honest with me. I just can’t.
So that’s where I am right now. I’m not even incredibly angry or emotional. I’m not crying. I’m not feeling vindictive or wanting to hurt him. I just can’t do it. Maybe he can change. I don’t know. I’m not going to hold my breath. I have to move forward for me and my emotional health. I can’t keep doing this to myself.
I told my husband last week about an analogy that I got from Grey’s Anatomy. It’s about ham (or bacon) and eggs. Here’s the general gist:
Question: In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, what’s the difference between the Chicken and the Pig?
Answer: The Chicken is involved, but the Pig is committed!
There are multiple stories about the origin of that saying, but it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I’m the pig and he’s the chicken. Ever since that analogy came back to me 2 weeks ago I haven’t been able to shake it. I’m committed. He’s just involved. He picks and chooses when he wants to be “in” this relationship. He chooses when to be honest and when not to. He chooses when to give his all and when to half-ass it. He chooses the bits and pieces he wants to share with me. He’s not in this 100%, all the way, every day. I am.
Last week I wrote in my journal, “Until he can be the bacon/pig/ham I can’t be in this relationship.” I also wrote:
• It’s not healthy for me to be more in this relationship than him.
• I’m always waiting…
o For him to call
o For him to ask how I am
o For him to put me first
o For him to talk to me
• I need to put me first
And that’s where I am. The past week and a half I’ve been trying to keep going. I’ve been wanting to look forward, not back. I told myself that I was emotional, that I needed to wait to make a decision. Things kept happening that pushed me closer and closer to the edge.
He decided to put off therapy last week, which made me very upset because I wasn’t included. He told me he was fine about something when he obviously wasn’t – he shut me out, and I told myself that he just needed to learn to let me in. He broke one of the items on our boundary agreement – we talked about it, and he promised to change his thinking. Our marriage counseling session was pretty awful, but I rationalized that there were a lot of emotions going on with both of us. We had multiple other issues. I kept telling myself to keep working, to stick it out, to stop being so emotional. I told myself to keep looking forward.
On Thursday I wrote in my journal:
• Feeling conflicted
• What is the crazy part of me?
• The side that wants to stay/hold on?
• The side that wants to separate?
Obviously my gut was telling me something big is off. It was right, yet again. He’s here right now picking up some things. I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, but I need to do what’s right for me and my emotional health.