My Internal Debate

14 Oct

Sunday, October 14th, 2012

I still don’t know where all the chips will ultimately fall, but I asked for a separation yesterday.  My husband has been out of the house for over 24 hours now.  I feel a calmness and relief that I never anticipated.

At the same time, I feel sad.  I watched the amazing space jump today, and had to fight myself not to call or text him.  It was a spectacular event to see, and I missed being able to share that with my best friend.  It’s all those small, every day moments that I will miss more than anything – sitting on the couch, holding hands, talking over dinner, cuddling up at night.  Those losses are hard to bear.

I don’t really think it matters what the long version is of why I chose separation.  The short and not-so-sweet version is that he lied to me again.  It was a pretty big lie.  It was also sustained over more than a week.  He lied about getting STD tested, even though in his disclosure he revealed sleeping with up to 50 sexual partners, some (or many) without protection.  He has endangered my health all along by misleading me about his sexual history and his STD testing status.  This last week of lying was the final straw.

The sad part is that he hasn’t acted out sexually in over a year, THAT I KNOW OF.  It doesn’t matter, though.  That inner circle lying behavior just destroys any chance that we have of becoming a healthy couple.  I can’t do it to myself anymore.  I just can’t.

The thing that sticks out in my head from this past week is how easily and convincingly he lied, over and over.  At one point last Friday I confronted him about a breach to our Boundary Agreement.  He got very emotional, said that he was going to change his way of thinking, and seemed to really “get it.”  He went to his SA meeting the next Saturday and confessed that (relatively minor) lie of omission, tears and all.  Meanwhile, he was hiding this huge lie from me and everyone else.  He lied in our last MC session.  He lied over and over during the week (“I’m just waiting for the test results to come in the mail”).  He lied straight to me, even after I had the proof that he never went to get tested.  He made a big show of going down to the clinic to “straighten things out.”  It just makes me feel sick.

That man is not my husband.  That man is not the person who cares for me when I’m sick and rubs my feet at night.  That is not the man whose smile can light up my world.  That is not the man who looked at me with such love in his eyes on our wedding day that he cried as I walked down the aisle.  That is not the person who has slept next to me at night for over 4 years.  That man is not the person I fell in love with.

The man who could lie to me over and over like that is not someone I can live with for the rest of my life.

I need to check out divorce and separation laws in my state.  I need to go get STD tested.  I need to take his name off of my bank account.  I need to look into getting his car out of my name.  I need to figure out what bills still need to be paid and determine how much money he left in our joint account.

I don’t want to do any of it.

I want him to get better.

I want him to WANT to tell me the truth.

I want my best friend back.

I don’t get what I want.

THAT SUCKS!!!

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37 Responses to “My Internal Debate”

  1. emotionaltornado October 15, 2012 at 11:14 pm #

    I’m at a loss for words. So much has been said. I just want to add what a strong person it takes to do this, for yourself. As one commenter said, the pain must be unbearable for change to happen for your husband. I truly hope this is the wake up call he needs or you are on your path to healing.
    hugs

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 10:08 am #

      I hope so, too. I’m trying to remind myself that I will be okay no matter what.

  2. Not Over It October 15, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    Hi Beautiful – I’m just starting to catch up on everyone after my trip. OMG, Beautiful. I didn’t expect you to be in this situation, but I understand your decision. It is what you need to do.

    You are stronger than you know, and I have no doubt you will come through this beautifully.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, as always…
    DJ

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

      Thanks! We never expect to be in these situations, do we? I know exactly what you mean, though… Things seemed to be going so great. We seemed to be connected more. He seemed to be opening up and being honest.

      I will never understand the mind of a sex addict. Maybe it’s just as addicted brain in general. It’s like when things are good he HAS to do something to screw that up…

  3. workspousestory October 15, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    Oh sweetie… this is so sad to read, but also I am glad you are taking decisions that will make you happier (I hope). Even if that is going to give you the perspective you need to think about further action… big big BIG hugs…
    Does your family know?

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 10:21 am #

      My Mom knows. I’m sure my Dad will very soon beause he lives next door. Kinda hard to hide the fact that my husband isn’t coming home…

      • workspousestory October 15, 2012 at 10:22 am #

        I’m asking because you will need help at this time to help you through the difficult beginning at least…

  4. Castimonia October 15, 2012 at 9:53 am #

    From a therapy standpoint, major decisions should be held off for 1 year following the full disclosure. Also, if your life isn’t in danger, then in-house separation can work just as well. I don’t see anything wrong with you going with him (assuming he is willing) to get his STD test. My wife is privy to all medical information and we abstained from sexual intercourse for 90 days, then up to 6 months until I had 3 rounds of STD tests. I also recommend setting up a polygraph for him (or him and your therapist setting it up) and then a follow-up in 3 months, then 6 months after that, then every year. It helps the addict practice rigorous honesty – something hard for us to do without a little “help.”

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      I definitely understand your point of view. This decision isn’t based on the disclosure at all. It is based on the lies. That is something I was very clear about from the start, and the #1 item on our Boundary Agreement. I cannot tolerate lies. I can’t put myself through it.

      As for an in-home separation… I considered that quite a bit last night. I think it would be the wrong move for me. I know me and my codependent tendencies. I would get sucked back in. I wouldn’t be able to really separate myself. He would stay complacent and only doing the bare minimum. Maybe that’s still what he will do, but I can remove myself emotionally much better when we are also removed physically from one another.

      I refuse to hold his hand and go with him for his testing. I’m not going to enable him anymore. I got my testing this morning. It is all done, and I’m waiting for my results. He is an adult and needs to act like one. I can’t force him. I can’t push him towards making the right decisions. He has to do that on his own.

      As for a polygraph, I think that is useless until a full disclosure has actually happened. He said he will be working with his therapist on that, but I don’t know if the plan will continue. Again, the follow-through is up to him. I am willing to participate, but this is HIS recovery. He needs to take ownership of it. I can’t be the navigator. That’s up to him.

      • Castimonia October 15, 2012 at 11:24 am #

        From reading your comment, it looks like you’ve thought things through with a clear mind. Looks like you’ve made the right choice for you and your recovery (and even your husband’s – as most addicts don’t get into real recovery until the pain of loss is too great to bare).

  5. Scabs October 15, 2012 at 3:29 am #

    ugg. i feel for you. i have felt all of this too. it sucks, yet it doesn’t suck. Sucks cause you don’t want it to end yet doesn’t suck because you suddenly feel unburdened and free…dare i say kinda happy? Wishing you a time of selfish uninterrupted self-love. Take care of you and all the answers will come. Sending my love and wish we could meet up for a lunch or something, ride bikes, walk the dogs, do some yoga, eat cinnamon rolls…whatever! 🙂

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 7:20 am #

      You hit the nail on the head. I am going to focus on me. First step – go to the doctor for what I’m sure is strep throat.

  6. recover3 October 15, 2012 at 1:02 am #

    Brave move for someone with codependency tendencies! But bravery doesn’t make it hurt any less. Hugs.

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 7:16 am #

      You know? You’re very right. I can already feel my resolve starting to crack, but I’m trying to remind myself that I need to do what’s right for.me in the long run. I also have to tell my codependent side that it is better for him to stand on his own 2 feet and really figure out if he’s fully committed to recovery. He needs to get healthy, and maybe he can’t do that here with me.

  7. buckwheatsrisk October 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm #

    i’m so sorry to read what you’re going through. i can’t imagine the heartache you must be going through.

  8. highpriestess0713 October 14, 2012 at 9:04 pm #

    I am so incredibly sorry. Only you kno wwhat’s best for you. A separation doesn’t have to lead to divorce though. Remember this could be a trial or a good way for space between the two of you. Time to hit the reset button. I hope you find whatever answer you’re looking for in this. Email or message if you need anything 🙂

    • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

      I know. That is my hope. I don’t want to divorce. It is a process, and that process takes time (plus my state requires a certain amount of time anyway before a divorce would be granted).

      I really do hope this can be a way to “hit the reset button.” I love that analogy. I also appreciate the support so, so much!

  9. huperecho: to rise above October 14, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

    I’m so sorry and my heart is breaking for you. I pray he does fight for you and can get to a point of a lie free life. Dealing with another lie myself and wondering can they, will they, ever stop! Hugs!!!

    • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

      That was a constant wonder/worry of mine – can he ever stop? More importantly, WILL he ever stop? I’m sick and tired (literally – ear infection, cold, sore throat, can’t sleep), and I can’t deal with it right now. Thanks for the hugs! Sneding some back your way.

  10. letterstotheotherwoman October 14, 2012 at 7:26 pm #

    My heart hurts for you. So, so sorry.

  11. Ariella October 14, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    I have been so busy I am just taking a moment to catch up on the blogs I read. I am so sorry about this! However, you are amazingly strong to put your foot down after the last lie. I can tell you that from experience, they can tell a million lies, and something about the millionth and one will make you snap. However, his last lie was huge, and you are right that he puts your life and well being at great risk.

    I hope that everything works out for you and that you find peace with whatever decision you chose to make. I’m here if you need to talk. ((((Hugs))))

    • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

      Thank you. You are very sweet. And you really do get where I’m coming from (I think). There have been more lies before this than I can count. Each time I was angry or upset or hurt, but I wasn’t done. This time there was just an instant where I knew… I can’t take any more of this. There was an invisible line that he crossed, and even I wasn’t sure where it was until he was over it.

      I don’t know if this will ultimately lead to divorce. I don’t want it to, but I can’t control that. I am realizing that I really can’t control a lot of things in my life right now. What I can control is my peace of mind. That’s what I’m aiming for right now. I feel good about this decision, not torn up or in agony.

      The real internal debate is about what the next steps will be. Part of me loves this peace and tranquility. Part of me is aching and yearning to have him hold me. I am secure enough to know that right now that wouldn’t be the best choice for me or for him.

      He needs to figure himself out. He needs to decide if he wants to get well for himself. I need stability and reason back in my life. I need to focus on my healing and growth. I need an honest partner who I can depend on. That can’t be him right now, so I have to be my own best friend.

      • Ariella October 14, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

        Can I ask you a question? Aren’t you scared he will go to another woman? I know that sounds crazy, but that is always my fear with John and why I usually don’t throw him out!
        Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

        • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

          I am not really scared of that. If that is his choice, then I will know with absolute certainty that we are done and there is no chance of reconciliation. That will at least give me a definite answer one way or another. It will break my heart, but I will at least know.

          I really don’t think that will happen, though. It could. I’m not ruling anything out. That’s not his normal MO, though. His pattern involves cybersex, pornography, chatting, sexting, and escalation into a one-night stand after a few months of sustained contact. He could go to a bar, pick someone up, and go home with her, I suppose. He may have done that a few times, though he never revealed that to me in his disclosure (as incomplete as it was).

          My fear is more that he will give up entirely. My biggest fears involve him relapsing with pornography or drugs (he has been addicted to several over the course of his lifetime, although none recently), dropping out of school, getting fired from his job, and living on the street (also something he has done at one point in his life). I fear seeing him completely dissentigrate, give up on himself, and reverse his recovery. That would be really, really sad for him.

          • Ariella October 14, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

            Do you know where he is going to be staying? I hear what you are saying. For your sake and his, I hope that he does not relapse and perhaps, this will be his true rock bottom. However, I have thought that time and time again with John, and. . . well we all have seen.

            I know this is a hard time for you and I will definitely be thinking of you.

            • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 7:38 pm #

              I have no idea. I’ve been trying to let go of my codependent tendencies, including my urge to check up on him constantly. He’s at work right now because he just came by to pick up his badge to get into the building. I would imagine he’s staying at some crummy hotel since that’s what he did the one other time we separated for a few days.

              He has plenty of family, all close by (he is one of 7 kids). He also has at least a few friends who would probably let him stay with them. Many of them are bad influences and aren’t safe for him to be around in recovery, but there is at least one that seems to be stable and knows some of what is going on. My guess is that his ego and pride will prevent him from reaching out to any of them until he really knows I am serious.

              Most likely he will try to find somewhere cheap to rent or room with his sister, who he has lived with before. I don’t think he really understood how serious I am until he just showed up and saw most of his belongings had been moved to our back bedroom. I already cleared out his dresser and his side of the closet, put his CPAP machine in there, and some pictures of his Mom and Dad. I think he got the message that I’m not fucking around.

              I do have to add (because I’m sure my comment above makes you think otherwise) that I’m not really angry. I haven’t yelled at him. I didn’t damage any of his things. I placed everything I could find that I think he would want in that room to make it easier for him. I also was really hating the clutter and mess that he had left laying around, so I was in a cleaning frenzy yesterday for several hours.

              I hope he continues with his recovery. I hope he gets better. The selfish side of me hopes that he fights for me and this marriage. I’m not really sure I can expect that from him, though.

              • Ariella October 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

                I don’t know if you read the post where I ripped apart my closet after I caught John cheating. Something about getting my closets organized made me feel as though my life was in order. Does that make sense? Although with me, I did not pack John’s things, even though it looked like I had when he walked in and saw all the bags.

                I know how you feel about wanting him to fight for you. I often feel this way with John. However, my girlfriend said to me once, how do you expect him to fight for you? You never leave or make him leave. And she was right, John has always stayed no matter what he had done except for a few months while I was pregnant. But that was years ago.

                I sure do hope he fights for your marriage too. You have been through too much.

                • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

                  Yeah, I saw that post. It definitely makes sense. I didn’t really pack anything… just took it out of the master bedroom and put it in the back spare room.

                  I hope he gets himself together enough to fight for me. If not, then I hope he at least fights for himself. We have a marriage therapy appointment set up for Thursday. I’m still going, even if he doesn’t show. Whether or not we continue MC, I am going to see him as my individual counselor.

      • Our Journey After His Affair October 29, 2012 at 11:16 am #

        Stay strong. I think what you said here (1st response to Ariella) would be helpful to read again and again anytime you begin to feel your resolve cracking.

  12. littlesquirrelblog October 14, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

    I’m so, so sorry to read this, it makes my heart hurt a little bit. I really and truly hope that you both get to where you are both absolutely at peace, be that together or apart. Lots of love x

    • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

      Thanks for your sentiments. I hope all of that, too.

  13. M October 14, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    That’s really sad. I don’t know what to say. I have been married for only 5 months and I don’t know how long it will last. Can you email me? I would like to share my story, but I am not ready to do it online yet.

    • beautifulmess7 October 14, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

      I sent you an email. I’m happy to talk any time.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What’s Next? What SHOULD We Be Doing? « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 17, 2012

    […] My Internal Debate (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com) […]

  2. Collective Wisdom « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 16, 2012

    […] My Internal Debate (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com) […]

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