15 Oct

I made this a featured post yesterday, but I wanted to reblog it tonight because 2 months later this is still where I am in the process – acceptance. I read my post and the comments again, and they are still very true for where I am now. The main difference is that I’m not feeling the anger that I was before. I think that’s progress, however small.

Being a Beautiful Mess

It is hard to feel safe when another person’s actions can rock your world, and it is out of your control.  I am struggling to find a way to detach myself, my happiness, and my feeling of safety from the actions of my husband.  It is much easier said than done, but I have realized this week that it is necessary.  I just can’t keep living the way I have been, with my emotions so tied to what he does (or doesn’t) do.  I think that means I have to accept a few things that I’ve been trying very hard not to.

For one thing, I have to accept that my husband is unreliable right now.  I have to accept that he has a lot to do before he will be.  And I need to stop treating him like he is a reliable, trustworthy person that I can depend on. …

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12 Responses to “”

  1. lifewithoutinstructions October 16, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    Consider your own healing in this moment. No one says that you have to decide anything at this point ! Gain some inner strength and harmony before moving forward with a divorce. I found that separation gave me such clarity and freedom of thought. Take your time, because when you do arrive at a final A HA moment, it will be a well thought out moment. Give plenty of care to your healing and take the time to absorb all the moments. Trust me this will help you.

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 11:25 am #

      That is my thought as well. I want to take my time, really think about it, talk with our therapist, deeply consider things, and make sure I feel at peace.

  2. workspousestory October 16, 2012 at 9:00 am #

    Ehh…… such a shame when this cycle repeats. I sometimes think I shouldn’t be commenting on your blog at all, bearing in mind I am the one who’d (potentially) cause paint to my hubby, but it helps to be a part of this… and to read what you’re going though… big big hugs xx

    • workspousestory October 16, 2012 at 9:01 am #

      Erm… cause pain, not paint. That would not be that bad… 😉

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 9:05 am #

      I will never tell anyone not to comment on my blog unless they are using vulgarity to needlessly attack me. I also try really hard not to judge others. I can’t walk in your shoes. I can’t tell you what is right or wrong in your life. I can only decide what is right for me.

      It is also helpful for me to hear all sorts of perspectives. I read your blog and can sympathize with you. I can imagine being caught up in the thrill of something. Sometimes I wish I could understand why my husband does the things he does. I just can’t fathom why he would lie about STD testing, what he thought that would accomplish, or how he thought he would get away with it. In the end, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

      • workspousestory October 16, 2012 at 9:32 am #

        I know you read my blog and I very much appreciate your contribution – it really, really helps. I completely agree with the testing part… well, with any consistent lie, it’s more than an abuse of trust. I really feel for you and hope it will turn out for the best for you…

  3. pandaqueen1001 October 15, 2012 at 10:37 pm #

    I read every word here, and I’m glad you wrote all this. I’m also thinking a lot about codependency, in retrospect… Trying to isolate any unhealthy dynamics which I may have been able to recognize sooner with Voldemort. In regards to all that, it’s been good following someone else’s train of thought and questions and processing in working through this.

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      I agree. I always get a new perspective on myself by reading what other people are thinking and processing.

  4. Castimonia October 15, 2012 at 10:01 pm #

    Sometimes, the truth is the only way out.

    Btw, I am looking for a few spouses of sex addicts to write what is called an “anger letter” to their husbands which I will in turn post on Castimonia.org anonymously to help addicts understand and empathize with the trauma they have caused their wives. Let me know if you are interested in sending me your anger letter.

    Thank you,

    Jorge castimonia.org

    * Sent from my Android Phone

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 9:55 am #

      I would definitely be interested in participating. Let me know what you are looking for. You can email me directly if you would like.

      • Castimonia November 5, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

        Basically, it is a specific letter in which you write everything you are angry about your husband and his sexual acting out activities but also his character defects (lying, laziness, anger, etc…) I will edit out names, etc… and post it sometime next year. It is good for addicts to hear their wives’ anger and was very instrumental in my empathizing with my wife. It was read to me during our 3-day intensive.

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