Poked, Prodded and Cracking…

15 Oct

Last night I took a look down my throat with a flashlight and did NOT like what I saw…  This morning I got up and made my way immediately to the doctor’s office.  I was poked, prodded, and swabbed everywhere imaginable.  They did a strep test on my throat, diagnosed an ear infection, and I had them go ahead and run the full panel of STD tests while they were at it.  I could have gone to Planned Parenthood and probably saved some money in the long run.  I don’t care.  I just wanted it over and done with.

Only an hour later, I was walking out with antibiotics, a prescription for a yeast infection, and a little more peace of mind.  I still don’t have the STD results back yet, obviously, but having it taken care of is a relief.

On my (short) ride home I called my Mom.  She said something that really struck home.  She said as women and as wives we do our best to remain vulnerable, to give our husbands the opportunity to protect us.  We let ourselves need them.  We give them the chance to take care of us.  When they blow that chance or squander that opportunity we have to pack up that vulnerability and be strong for ourselves.  When we take that next step to care for ourselves we also end up not needing them anymore.

I tried to need him.  I tried to give him the opportunity to step up for me.  I wanted him to be a man, to protect me, to make my health and safety a top priority.  He didn’t, so I had to take the bull by the horns and take care of myself.  Once I found out he hadn’t gotten tested, it took me only until the next business day to get tested myself.  Those tests, plus the extra ones because I’m so sick, took only an hour.  One hour.

In that hour I stopped needing him.  I stopped being vulnerable.  I took back my independence.

At the same time, I feel my resolve cracking.  Last night was the first time I really started wanting him here badly.  My codependence started peeking through.  For most of the weekend after his big lie was revealed we had only minor contact.  Last night he texted me with:

Im not sure what things from the kitchen are mine to take.  I know the new cook ware is yours just wondering about the things i was given as gifts.  If you want them they are yours.

My first reaction was something like – Seriously?!?  That is what he’s worried about right now?  Then I realized that I should have been prepared for this.  It’s what I asked for.  Here are some of the other thoughts I jotted down in my journal:

  • I’m weak.  I want him here in bed with me.  I want to touch him, hold him.
  • I find myself considering an in-home separation.  I just know I can’t do that.  I’m not strong enough.  I would talk to him, laugh with him, fall into those old patterns…
  • I want to call him an ass for sticking to business (what he wants, when he can get it), but that’s what separation IS.  He is doing me a favor, really.
  • I want him to fight for me, for us, but I want him to be well first!
  • I can’t have it both ways – him now & him better because he is obviously not better.
  • I HATE THIS!!!!

Those were just my cliff notes version of the things going through my head.  I wasn’t going to respond to his earlier text.  In fact, I held out for quite a while.  Until after midnight.  Yeah… bad decision.  Nothing good comes from texting someone that late.  I engaged in a few back and forth texts, told him the gifts belong to him, and let him know about my strep.

In the morning light I realized that I need to disconnect myself from him emotionally.  Letting go of my expectations for him, his recovery, his health, his therapy, etc. is my job now.  I can’t control him.

He’s going to be coming by at some point today to pick up a few more things.  I don’t know how I’m going to react.  I don’t know if he will even try to talk to me.  I don’t even know if I want him to.

On a completely unrelated note, I now have a Twitter and Facebook account for my blog.  Check them out if you want.  I could use a little distraction.

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18 Responses to “Poked, Prodded and Cracking…”

  1. pandaqueen1001 October 15, 2012 at 10:48 pm #

    “I tried to need him. I tried to give him the opportunity to step up for me. I wanted him to be a man, to protect me…”

    I can so relate. The realization we have to build independence is such a mixed gift…

    • beautifulmess7 October 16, 2012 at 10:09 am #

      It really is. I wanted him to step up, but I’m learning that I don’t always get what I want.

  2. A Dog With Fleas October 15, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

    Sorry you are sick and dealing with all of this on top of it. But you are doing the right thing for yourself right now, and unfortunately that is the only thing you can do. You just need to protect yourself and keep your priority on YOU!! Hugs to you and hope you feel better!!

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

      And you need to do the same sweetie!! Thanks for your support. 🙂

      • A Dog With Fleas October 15, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

        Of course!! Anytime!! 🙂

  3. the other side of infidelity October 15, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    Sorry to hear you are sick on top of all you are dealing with 😦
    I’m glad you got tested though. Peace of mind on those things goes a long way.

  4. shawnthewife October 15, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    First and most important…please take extra good care of yourself for a while. You gotta get healthy and be strong to deal with such huge amounts of stress in your life. Consider some nice chicken soup instead of pizza!
    Next…From your Mom’s point of view I did everything bass-ackwards. I rarely allowed myself to need FWH or be vulnerable in my marriage. My dad left when I was only 7. My step-dad cheated on my mom when I was in my 20’s. I guess I thought needing a guy was just way too risky. Even though I thought I’d found the world’s most perfectly honest man… I aimed to be Mrs. Independent.
    Now, after DDay, if I want to reconcile, I have no choice but to be vulnerable. I’m putting my trust in a man that has proven he is not trust-worthy. I hate it! But, I accept it.
    I guess I also have to face, I need him so much more than I would EVER have admitted before..to him or myself for that matter!
    Feel Better Soon!

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

      You are very wise. 🙂 I know I need to pick something healthier than pizza… there is just almost nothing in the house right now, and I really don’t want to go spreading my germs throughout the grocery store. I’ll leave that for tomorrow when I’m not contageous.

      I know that I haven’t been perfect at the vulnerability thing. I tried. I tried really, really hard. In our early relationship that came back to bite me in the ass. After I discovered his betrayal I tried to move forward and trust him again. Again, I got bit in the ass. Through this whole sex addiction recovery process I have opened myself up over and over. I keep getting bitten, but I keep thinking if I do something different the result won’t be the same.

      This time I am realizing that while he is no longer an out of control, rabid dog (to continue this quite horrible metaphor), he is still dangerous. He isn’t completely domesticated. He doesn’t have control of himself, his addiction, or his behavior completely (especially the lying thing). I WANT to be vulnerable with him, but I actually can’t do that right now without doing serious harm to myself.

      I am glad that your husband is doing what he needs to do in order to be safe for you. As someone with rather controlling tendencies, I realized to my surprise that letting go and being vulnerable can actually feel really, really great. I want to get back to the place where I can be that way one day… Hopefully with my husband, but the jury is still out on that one.

  5. tentativelyhopeful October 15, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    Getting tested for STDs is one of the most humiliating things I’ve done in the past couple of weeks…I will keep you in my thoughts. It hadn’t even occurred to me that my insurance company might dispute the charges.

    I’m new to your blog and will have to read more of your posts but I appreciate all that you’ve shared. I don’t think you’re weak, though I’ve said the same thing of myself. It takes a strong person to weather the chaos of infidelity!

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 2:51 pm #

      It wasn’t a horrible experience for me, actually. I’m sorry that yours was so humiliating. My insurance company covered it, but apparently some don’t. I also got advice from some people not to go through my insurance because it could adversely affect any future policies. I didn’t worry about that because my insurance is through my work and I don’t have to worry about getting my own individual policy.

  6. jimshortz October 15, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    I’m sorry about the ear infection and especially about the separation and resulting chaos, although I know chaos often leads to the separation. I’ve only been following your blog a few days, but I feel for you. Good luck in the coming weeks and months.

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

      Thank you

  7. Samantha Baker October 15, 2012 at 11:16 am #

    I’m glad you got your STD testing done while you were there. I ended up finding the bill from mine and was going to tell you how much I ended up paying because insurance didn’t want to cover most but it’s a moot point now.

    First (((HUGS))) give yourself a break for replying to him last night. It’s ok to havethose feelings of uncertainty. I mean remember when I texted you thinking I was texting Mr. Baker?? And your response to Mr. Mess was MUCH MUCH less needy than my texting was. (I think mine was something along the lines of “I just want you to come home and hold me” if I remember correctly). It’s not like you can just flip a switch and turn off your love for him.

    Secondly, as I said to you this morning, I think he’s just trying to get you to engage with him in any way he can possible. If he’d texted you I love and miss you, he may not have been able to get a response you know? In his twisted mind perhaps, negative attention is attention regardless.

    Your mom? Is absolutely correct. He did fail you in stepping up. Like you said, it took ONE HOUR. He could have gone so many times. Even that hour on Saturday when he was trying to figure out how to cover up his lie to you, he could have gone and gotten tested. But he’s choosing not to at the moment. I hope he does, but like you said you have to let go of that for right now. You can’t take that on anymore. He should fight for you, but he needs to come to that decision himself. Though I’ve said the exact.same.thing. to Mr. Baker (or asked, why he wouldn’t).

    Honor your feelings and emotions though. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to. By any chance will you be able to see your therapist this week??? Also, keep the tea and honey free flowing and snuggle with the pups. If you need anything, you know how to reach me.

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 11:20 am #

      We have a marriage counseling appointment scheduled for Thursday morning. I am still going to go, even if he doesn’t. I would try to see the therapist today if I wasn’t contagious for the next 24 hours.

      Right now I’m under an electric blanket. I just ate cold pizza, and I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve taken all of my medicine. I will probably take a nap soon.

      Thanks for your support.

    • beautifulmess7 October 15, 2012 at 11:43 am #

      I just called my insurance company, and it appears that they will cover the entire STD testing panel. They said my copay of $25 should be the only expense I have.

      • Samantha Baker October 15, 2012 at 11:52 am #

        I plan to appeal my Ins. co. They didn’t pay for anything but the Dr. visit. ANd the lab charged $750.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What’s Next? What SHOULD We Be Doing? « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 17, 2012

    […] Poked, Prodded and Cracking… (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com) […]

  2. We Obviously Need to Wait for Thursday « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 16, 2012

    […] already have learned the night before (see the account of my last late-night texting adventure here).  However, I am nothing if not […]

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