To start with, I really appreciate the insight that several people gave me about what I thought was codependent/ co-addict behavior. There is a fine line between that and trusting myself. I believe in this case I was following my gut. I think calling it a “knowing” is very fitting. That’s what it feels like when I get that kind of intuitive premonition that something is off.
I really haven’t been checking on him otherwise – I swear I can’t even remember the last time I checked that computer history. There have been plenty of times he has been out of the house or even in it when I’ve had the chance – we agreed to full transparency with electronic devices, after all. He always gets home before me. He almost exclusively uses that desktop computer now that I have a work laptop and tablet. He is in there all the time when I get home from work. Still, I haven’t felt the need to look. Until that day.
It sounds weird, I’m sure. I don’t think I’m psychic or anything. I just know that we all pick up things that we don’t consciously process. Little perceptions, changes in speech or behavior or even the air in our environments. I can’t explain it, but sometimes I do just have a strong feelings that something isn’t right. I have come to rely on those “knowings” (I really like that term). I don’t really have to go looking for things, my instinct will tell me when something is wrong.
Similarly, I usually know when I’m feeling a need to control or an urge to “check up” on him in an unhealthy way. It is then that I can remind myself to focus on the things that I can change – that which is in my control. I think I have to do more to fine-tune my self-perception on this issue. I need to find a way to ask myself is this codependent behavior or simply listening to my gut?
So, on to the challenging questions in my next post…
- I Asked for a Separation: The Chicken and the Pig (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Do You Have a Codependent Personality? (everydayhealth.com)
- Paying Attention to My Gut (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Co-Dependency: Dealing with Addiction to an Addict (atlantablackstar.com)