Codependent Behavior or Simply Trusting My Gut?

16 Oct

To start with, I really appreciate the insight that several people gave me about what I thought was codependent/ co-addict behavior.  There is a fine line between that and trusting myself.  I believe in this case I was following my gut.  I think calling it a “knowing” is very fitting.  That’s what it feels like when I get that kind of intuitive premonition that something is off.

I really haven’t been checking on him otherwise – I swear I can’t even remember the last time I checked that computer history.  There have been plenty of times he has been out of the house or even in it when I’ve had the chance – we agreed to full transparency with electronic devices, after all.  He always gets home before me.  He almost exclusively uses that desktop computer now that I have a work laptop and tablet.  He is in there all the time when I get home from work.  Still, I haven’t felt the need to look.  Until that day.

It sounds weird, I’m sure.  I don’t think I’m psychic or anything.  I just know that we all pick up things that we don’t consciously process.  Little perceptions, changes in speech or behavior or even the air in our environments.  I can’t explain it, but sometimes I do just have a strong feelings that something isn’t right.  I have come to rely on those “knowings” (I really like that term).  I don’t really have to go looking for things, my instinct will tell me when something is wrong.

Similarly, I usually know when I’m feeling a need to control or an urge to “check up” on him in an unhealthy way.  It is then that I can remind myself to focus on the things that I can change – that which is in my control.  I think I have to do more to fine-tune my self-perception on this issue.  I need to find a way to ask myself is this codependent behavior or simply listening to my gut?

So, on to the challenging questions in my next post…

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14 Responses to “Codependent Behavior or Simply Trusting My Gut?”

  1. StrongerMe November 13, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    I remember the “knowing.” I’ve never been able to describe it either. It was like a charge of energy. I could sense his restlessness. My ex is an alcoholic, and sometime during the work day, I would have a premonition that tonight he wouldn’t come home. Tonight he would binge drink. Sometimes the feeling was the result of a conversation that gave me the feeling that something was off, but often I just knew. I would suddenly realize that something had been brewing and it was about to happen.
    You would think that the knowing would prepare you for the fallout when it happened. It never did. I would always hope that he would prove me wrong. Prove that gut feeling was nothing but mistrust and insanity as he tried to state for so many years. Most days, however, he proved me right. Most days I sat awake in bed listening with all of my might for the key to turn in the door.

    • beautifulmess7 November 16, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

      I know exactly what you mean there. I have started listening to my gut and not hoping for him to prove me wrong about anything.

  2. A Dog With Fleas October 20, 2012 at 12:24 am #

    This is a great post and I believe there is a something we as women just know when something “isn’t right.” And through Therapy I have learned to always go with that feeling, it usually never steers you wrong. After all you’ve been through, you can probably tell when something is off and have that “knowing” and you would be doing yourself a disservice by not following through on it. Until he can prove to you that he is 200% behind his recovery, those feeling will probably crop up from time to time. And by you not willing to live with that uncertainty right now, you are doing the right thing by putting yourself first.

    • beautifulmess7 October 20, 2012 at 12:27 am #

      I think you are right about this. I have to trust my gut, especially when I know he has not been doing everything he possibly could have with his recovery. I have to put myself first right now. There is no other option for my sanity. His disease, his lying, this whole situation has put me on the brink of an emotional and mental instability that I have never, ever been this close to. I can’t afford not to trust myself right now.

  3. emotionaltornado October 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm #

    There were several times I knew something was wrong in my gut. The day I picked up the phone and called a number and found the first OW and the OC, I was on autopilot. I just did it. It changed everything. There have been other times I have felt compelled to do something to check up on him. There was always something.

    I cannot ignore those gut feelings. It causes me great anxiety. I have to check on things sometimes.I hope to someday trust enough that I don’t feel compelled anymore. I guess then maybe I will know that things are ok.

    If following our instincts is codependent than I am GUILTY.

    • beautifulmess7 October 17, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

      I think following your gut instinct is part of acknowledging that you can trust YOURSELF. Lliving with a liar or an addict can warp our thinking so much that it is hard to determine what is reality. They become such convincing liars (or WE become so good at convincing ourselves to trust them, despite our better judgement) that after a while it can be hard to discern whether we are even sane.

      I think it falls into the territory of codependency when we are constantly, obsessively checking up or checking behind another person in an attemp to control them. Like – if I check up and monitor him closely enough, then he won’t act out. That’s not reality, either.

      I cannot “make sure” he isn’t lying to me by squeezing tighter and tighter and never letting him out of my sight. First of all, it isn’t possible. Secondly, he would probably STILL find a way to act out if he wanted. Thirdly, neither of us would be happy. Finally, there is no way to control another person’s mind, their behavior, or their truthfulness. And if I honestly step back and look at things, I wouldn’t want to be with someone if that was the case anyway.

      Now when I have an urge to check up on him, I ask myself where that is coming from. Is it a need to control, or it is something tugging at me, just at the edge of my grasp. Does it go away if I sit with the feeling for a bit, or is it persistent? If the latter is true in both cases, it is a cue to me that I should trust my instincts. It usually means something in my environment is threatening me somehow. I’m not sure how I get those feelings, where they come from, how they were honed, or any of that. I just know that they are there for me when I really need them.

  4. Stacia October 17, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

    I remember when I checked my exes laptop because I had that “feeling” and sure enough, he reached out to another woman and when I asked him if her heard from “her”, he flat out lied to me and told me no. I then told him I found the messages, and then it was MY fault for checking up on him!!!! Master Manipulator! We fought and he deleted them, and when I checked again a few weeks later, he set up his facebook so that he was alerted when another laptop tried to log on to his account, and of course…MY fault AGAIN! for not trusting. Master Manipulator. I tend to believe that once a cheat, or deceiver, it usually doesn’t go away. Just my experience!!!!

    • beautifulmess7 October 17, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

      I certainly wonder whether he is even capable of the truth sometimes.

      • Stacia October 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

        I know that we “tend” to think that others should think like we do, but it’s difficult because (in my opinion) SA like to find ways to excuse their behaviour MOST of time. I do believe that SA can rehab, but it really takes a lot of self will,control, therapy and effort. Some like the the confusion and easy way out. It’s safe for them.

        • beautifulmess7 October 17, 2012 at 10:50 pm #

          I am learning the hard way that not everyone thinks like me, even if I think they should. 🙂 Letting go of that is a hard battle for me. He has to WANT to change, then devote himself to it while-heartedly. I’m not sure he will or even that he can. We shall see. Tomorrow is at least the first step towards knowing that.

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