I am constantly reminded of the benefit of the collective wisdom that can be gained by sharing my thoughts and getting feedback and perspective from other people. Today was no exception. I decided to post some of my previously private ramblings (here) which included more details about the incident and conversation leading up to my present situation. I received this very insightful and thought-provoking comment from a reader:
I am so sorry. Your situation has had me concerned as it has progressed. You seem like a strong woman–not the victim type at all!
I believe in marriage, but that doesn’t mean I feel there aren’t exceptions to my no-divorce rule. Addictions is one of those exceptions–he is refusing recovery. Serial affairs are another exception–and since his addiction is sex–that’s two exceptions right there.
And you have been doing the work to earn your way either into reconciliation or out of your marriage.
I also did not think you were behaving codependently in that situation. You had a Knowing–an inuitive hit or whatever you want to call it. I discovered that if I ignore those, they bring anxiety–even if I am not mentally feeling anxious my body reacts with the physiological symptoms of panic and anxiety.
When you said you asked for a separation, what did that mean? Here’s what I mean by my question: I am a sticker for precise language. When Sweetheart asked me for a divorce, I told him ‘no.’ Hey, he was asking! Were you asking for permission or agreement–did it need to be a joint decision that he could void by disagreeing?
What did asking for–or saying you wanted–a separation mean for that day? Did it mean he could come home, stay the night and you would talk about it? Basically, how firm was the boundary? Did you or do you have a formal Plan of Action for boundary breaches?
Ex: For me it was if Sweetheart was continuing his relationship with the alienator he could not live at home and he could not be in a marital relationship with me until she was out of the picture. So when I discovered he was still seeing her (this was back in 2007), I kicked him out. I was not perfect in the boundary, he came home the first night and I packed his bags while he was at work the next day. When he got home, he entered through the back door and I walked him through the house and out the front. No explanation was necessary because Boundaries are communicated ahead of time; he knew why.
So what are you doing now then–regarding separation? Are you waiting for counseling on Thursday to decide? Are you not in the same house now? And what do you think you should be doing?
See…. THIS is why I posted my thoughts and asked for feedback. She asked some really great questions and made fantastic points. I had to actually step back and consider a bit before I knew how to answer. I started answering her comment in that post, but then realized that I had so much to say that I needed to create a new post to share my answers with everyone.
In fact, my answer got so long that I’m going to be making several posts for the questions/comments that I want to address so that you can pick and choose which ones you want to know the answer to without having to sift through thousands of words (aren’t I considerate?) 🙂
- 1 Other Woman Became 4… (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- My Internal Debate (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- I Asked for a Separation: The Chicken and the Pig (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)