I learned another hard lesson today: I should not text late at night or when I’m feeling lonely and tired. This lesson was one that I should already have learned the night before (see the account of my last late-night texting adventure here). However, I am nothing if not hard-headed…
Yesterday my husband asked if we could meet after work today (Tuesday) to talk about this separation and our plans moving forward. At first I agreed, but then I really thought about it. I have a lot of things to consider. I have a lot of questions going on in my head.
When my husband came by yesterday to pick up some clothes his frowney face and surly attitude also told me that he wasn’t exactly feeling remorseful about his lying. At least it didn’t seem that way. He also made a comment that led me to believe he was going to push this whole thing off on me.
Keeping that in mind, I asked if he could wait until Thursday to talk since we already have a marriage counseling appointment set up at 9 am, and I want to make sure we are being productive. He said something like “Whatever is more convenient for you.”
I should have left it at that.
I fully intended to.
Photo Credit: Alex Ragone/Flickr.com
Then around 9 pm my husband texted me and said, “I just remembered there are two whole chickens in the bottom drawer in the fridge you should freeze them so they don’t go bad.”
First of all, I know that text is perfectly fine. It’s very nice of him to let me know that so the chickens don’t go bad. I never look in that bottom drawer and would not have known they were there.
Secondly, I realize that 9 pm does not sound very late to most adults on the planet. However, I was hopped up on medicine for my strep and ear infection and had been laying in bed for at least 30 minutes, so it was already too late for my brain to function properly.
Like a moron, I texted: “If you want to come over tomorrow night for dinner I might roast one of them.” Insert foot in mouth.
I want to defend myself by saying that I didn’t think before I texted. Bad idea. I had been thinking about roasting a chicken all day, but didn’t realize there were any in the house. We love roasting chickens with the rotisserie in the convection toaster-oven that I bought him for his birthday in August. We have this amazing smoked sea salt that makes them absolutely delicious. I knew I couldn’t eat a whole chicken by myself. I thought maybe dinner would be nice. Blah, blah, blah…
To his credit, he responded with, “I will let you know tomorrow.”
This morning, after getting sufficient sleep to improve my brain function and let all cold medicines wear off in the night, I awoke with a pit in my stomach. I quickly texted him, “That probably wasn’t a good idea.” I didn’t hear from him again until lunch-time today, when the following text disaster occurred:
Him: “I guess you are talking about having dinner together not being a good idea i never said that.”
Me: “Yeah, but it was kinda implied. And it might be a bad idea.”
Him: “If you say so.” (passive-aggressive much?)
Me: “I don’t. I just don’t know.”
Him: “That last statement does not make since to me. You know how you feel and by what you have been saying i dont think having dinner with me is what you want”
Me: “I do not really know what I feel right now. Thats the thing. I don’t know if it would help or hurt things so I guess the safest bet is to talk in MC.” (MC stands for marriage counseling)
Him: “All i know is “i dont know” has never been an acceptable answer from me yet im accepting it from you. I hope you figure it out then we will both know” (Ok, Buddy, now you’ve crossed a line!)
Me: “Its not fair to put everything on me. You put us in this situation with your lies then expect me to make all the decisions about where that leaves us.”
Him: “Im not asking where it leave us im asking where it leaves you.”
Me: “Thats the same thing.”
Him: “We should just keep this conversation for thursday.”
Me: “That’s exactly what I was saying.”
So, we now officially have a gag order in place until Thursday, at least in my mind. I think no contact for a day and a half really won’t be a bad thing.
Being a Beautiful Mess 
Don’t take it as weak. So many of us have done the same thing; it is more out of wanting comfort and still loving the other person even though they may have really hurt us. Don’t beat yourself up about it!!
I’m not beating myself up, just learning from it. No matter how bad I want to, I will not be getting in contact with him at night or anytime I’m feeling vulnerable. H.A.L.T. – Hungry, angry, lonely or tired. If I catch myself reaching for the phone during any of those states, it will be to call someone in my S-Anon group!
I know all too well how late night texts go. I feel as though we are more vulnerable at night. It happens. Dont beat yourself up over this! It is YOUR husband. This is a very hard situation for you, and you will have times where you get those moments of weakness. Trust me, I know all too well that this happens. . .
Yeah… I don’t like admitting how weak I really am, but there it is. I have a HUGE soft spot where he is concerned. I’m just trying not to make it a blind spot…
It’s amazing to me how dangerous it is to text in the evenings. Best to turn everything off.
Duly noted. Lesson learned. That will not happen again. Twice is my threshold for making the same mistake.
It takes much longer for me to learn. Your personality is strong. More than strong enough to make these choices.
The phone will be off AND in the other room tonight past 9pm
🙂
🙂 Thanks for the little reminder and push. He already contacted me again this evening about getting his coffee pot tomorrow. I just said “Sure.” Nothing else. I don’t plan to be here most of the day/ evening anyway.