The final post in the series answering questions from a reader about our separation.
And what do you think you should be doing?
This is probably the hardest question of all. I think I should be really thinking things out. I have been doing that, for the most part, once my body started recovering (thanks to the amoxicillin). I have been doing a LOT of journaling. I’m trying to take this time to decide what it is that I want from this marriage, what it is that I need to be happy, and how I think that can be accomplished. I definitely don’t have all of the answers. I have started coming up with the questions, though. That’s a step in the correct direction, right?
For example, some of the things I have written under the title Questions to Consider in my journal are:
- Am I running and hiding from my own problem by asking him to move out? Or am I protecting myself?
- Can an in-house separation work or is that setting us both up for failure?
- Is separation a way for us both to deal with our respective issues?
- How long?
- End goal?
- How much contact?
- What terms?
- Money? Bills?
- Viability of that plan?
- Avoiding complacency – Does this force us to push ourselves out of our boxes and discover ourselves separate from one another?
- Does that have to happen before we can work on our marriage?
- I can’t control the outcome!!
- Can he be honest with me?
- What matters in order to move forward is honesty. In fact, it’s the single most important factor in whether this marriage can continue
- He has a choice to make – continue to be selfish and choose himself by lying to me or choose our marriage and STOP lying
- That really determines our future
- Choose lying & choose to stay gone and turn this separation into divorce
- Or work on himself, really dig into the lying, solve that issue, and maybe move home.
- I need him to FIGHT for me (bottom line)
That’s as far as I’ve gotten in my stream-of-consciousness writing. My goal would be to work towards REAL recovery and reconciliation where we are each taking responsibility for our own healing. I feel like that has to happen before I can say whether this marriage will ever be able to work long-term. I want it to. I really, really want it to. But I’m starting to realize that may not be a possibility unless some drastic changes happen in both of us.
I know that I have made a lot of posts recently (if you were only in my brain you would really know how this is). For that reason, I will share the things I have gained in the last few days about my own self-awareness in another post. Probably tomorrow. Unless something more pressing comes up before I get around to it or I get the urge to share earlier (very specific, aren’t I?)
- I Asked for a Separation: The Chicken and the Pig (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Separation Clarification (What Did Asking For a Separation Mean?) (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Codependent Behavior or Simply Trusting My Gut? (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- My Internal Debate (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Poked, Prodded and Cracking… (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)
- Breaking the Negative Codependent Cycle (beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com)