I thought I had already published this, but obviously I hadn’t. I will have a more updated version of this later now that we have been to marriage counseling this morning.
A continuation of my answers to questions from a reader that I posted here.
So what are you doing now then–regarding separation? Are you waiting for counseling on Thursday to decide? Are you not in the same house now?
I’m going to answer all of these at once. Right now, regarding separation, we are not staying in the same house. I’m not sure where he is staying, and I have decided not to ask or go searching for the answer. I really am waiting for counseling on Thursday to make any long-lasting, more “permanent” (to use his word) decisions.
Saturday he came by and picked up a few things. I was feeling very sick, but got a deep urge to clean and organize. I wanted things germ-free and more serene. So I did about 4 loads of laundry. I cleaned the dishes, the kitchen table, the counter-tops. As I was doing laundry I started separating out his things because I noticed some of his work clothes.
That led to me separating all of our clothes in the massive pile of laundry I had accumulated in the den. In order to get his stuff out of my way and make it easier for him to pick up what he needed, I put those items of clothing in the spare back bedroom. I cleaned some of my new clothes off of the couch and chaise in the living room where they had been sitting for a few days (yes, our house looked like a clothes bomb had dropped on it before all of this organizing). I started putting those things away.
While I was in the bedroom I got tired of his clothes that were overflowing out of his laundry basket into the floor, blocking the closet doors from opening all the way. In my cleaning frenzy and frustration, I picked up his dirty laundry hamper and all those annoying, closet-blocking clothes and moved them to the back bedroom, too.
From there, I decided to just continue and clear out the dresser and closet of the remaining clothes that were cluttering everything up. I figured I was killing three birds with one stone (I really am multi-talented, see?) – put everything in one place for him (how convenient), make my cleaning/ organizing job easier, and reclaim my space. When he texted to say he needed to pick up his badge for work on Sunday, I moved that into the back bedroom with all of the other stuff, too.
By the time he came by I had also added two pictures of his parents to the pile. I had just unpacked a Yankee Candles purchase (from weeks before – my shopping was really getting out of control), and
le looking for a place to put the new candles I decided he would probably want those pictures as well. After all, what am I going to do with them? I never met his parents because they passed away before I met my husband. I also figured it might make him feel more “at home” or at least comfortable wherever he was if he had something familiar like a picture of family around.
I wasn’t angry or bitter in taking any of those actions, just in sick, cleaning/organization mode. I was probably also trying bolster my sanity by removing his things from the bedroom I knew I was going to be sleeping in all alone that night. Lighting a few candles, having things clean and organized, not tripping over his clothes or slippers – they all made me feel more calm and at peace.
I’m sure he probably didn’t perceive things that way. I definitely didn’t volunteer the information. Not my best communication ever, in retrospect.