I Told My Dad

20 Oct

Today my husband came over to pick up the majority of his clothes.  It didn’t really go well.  It wasn’t a disaster, but he is an emotional wreck.  I tried to be calm and talk to him.  He really wasn’t ready.  He is so angry.

I wasn’t prepared for it.  The more I tried to connect to him, calm him down, and be rational and kind about this the more he lashed out.  He called me condescending, even though that was not my intention at all, in the least.  He really started to lose it, and I suggested he get some puppy love in the back yard.  Shortly thereafter, he said it was all too much for him to handle, and he left.

He contacted me a bit after, and he may be coming by tomorrow to finish dividing up some kitchen stuff and food that I can’t use all by myself.  I tried to let him know that I’m not trying to make this process any more difficult than it already is.  I know he doesn’t believe me (because he said as much while he was here), but I’m not angry.  I just know that this is a necessary step if we are ever going to be able to make this marriage work.

After he left I heard the lawn mower going outside of the window in my den.  My Dad is my neighbor, which I think I’ve mentioned before.  The sound was coming from the direction of his house, but I knew that his grass was already cut.  Mine, however, was in need.

Let me back up for just a second.  As of this afternoon I still hadn’t called or sat down with my Dad to explain the situation yet.  My sister lives with him, though, and you all know that my Mom has been helping me through this process for over a year.  After Mr. Mess moved out last week my Mom asked if it would be okay for her to mention to my sister that we are separated and trying to work through a few things so that she doesn’t get overly concerned.  I told her that was fine because I am still processing how much I want to tell her – she is sensitive, kind and loving, but also very emotional.

When my sister texted me a few days ago to invite me along to the Celtic Festival tomorrow with her and her boyfriend, I knew that my Mom had told her.  That gesture touched me quite a bit.  I also knew that meant I needed to have the conversation with my Dad.  He is very observant, so I figured he would notice that my husband’s car was missing from the driveway.  I just didn’t know what to say.  I was going to talk to him last night, but then I got invited for dinner and a movie with the girls.  I had decided that today after my S-Anon meeting and after Mr. Mess left I would go over and speak to him.

So, when I heard the lawn mower going I knew that the time had come.  I walked outside to tell him thank you.  He turned off the lawn mower and gave me a hug.  Then something happened that hasn’t happened since this entire ordeal started last week.  I began crying.  There I was, standing in my front yard, hugging my Dad with tears streaming down my face.  Even now just remembering and typing the story I am sobbing again.

I told him the cliff notes version of things, including my struggle with how to tell him, how to explain, where to start, how many details to go into, etc.  I know that it hurt his feelings that he had to hear second-hand.  I wish I had had the courage to rely on him sooner.  I know that he loves me.  I know that he is supportive of me.  I know that he understands.  I talked to him a lot when he and my Mom were going through their divorce.  I also know he isn’t one to judge.  He told me today that he really likes my husband and he hopes we can work this out.  It was a mistake to wait as long as I did to reach out.

As much as I love my Mom, as much as I value and respect her opinions, as much as I love her, and as much as I know she supports and cares for me – my Dad was the one I finally felt safe enough with to break down.  My Mom is so together.  She is so perceptive.  She is very contemplative and insightful.  I want to be as composed and  introspective and amazing as she is.  I feel the need to “keep it together” with her, even though I know she wouldn’t look down on me if I broke down.  My Dad is amazing, too.  It’s not like I’m saying he is a mess or something.  In that moment, I just felt like his little girl again.  It was nice to have his arms wrapped around me.  The last time that happened was on my wedding day.

Here’s a picture of that moment – the first and only time I have ever danced with my Dad.

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10 Responses to “I Told My Dad”

  1. aluecker May 20, 2015 at 5:05 pm #

    I just stumbled upon your blog – actually the vulnerability one first – and I can’t get over how much I can relate to all of this.
    I’m also an oldest child tomboy who just recently ended a marriage and is struggling to feel vulnerable again.
    Thank you for making me feel a little less alone today

    • beautifulmess7 May 20, 2015 at 5:30 pm #

      I am glad I could make you feel a little less alone.

  2. Lee Kaplanian October 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

    Dads are so cool – I miss mine a lot. He was always there for the three of us girls and it was easy to talk to him about things. He was always supportive and encouraging, I too could cry and feel safe with him. Not to say my Mom wasn’t, just had a different way of showing it. How blessed to have your Dad next door; after I was married I was always several thousand miles away.

  3. emotionaltornado October 20, 2012 at 11:01 pm #

    I’m so glad your dad is there to support you. I tear up every time I think of one of the last things my dad told me nearing the end of his battle with cancer. He told me that he would take care of me and protect me. That it was very important that I knew that, always. He know of the first affair and the OC, I miss him so much.

  4. Stacia October 20, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    YOU….are stunning. that is all.

  5. huperecho: to rise above October 20, 2012 at 6:42 pm #

    I cried reading this today.😢 I’ve never had that kind of relationship with either my dad or mom. Just recently tho when my husband wrote on my Facebook my dad texted me the most beautiful message and I cried. I love the picture!

    • beautifulmess7 October 20, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

      I cried reading it again. I cried reading your comment. I guess today was my day to cry… Looks like I’m on a one week delay.

  6. Elsie October 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

    This touched my heart deeply. My dad was also my safe place to go when things were tough. I knew I could turn to him for words of wisdom and better still, words of comfort and a gentle hug. Your picture is beautiful, as are you, inside and out. I will continue to hold you in my heart as you go through this difficult time Beautiful. You’re doing great. Maybe you could have someone else in the house with you, like your dad, the next time Mr. Mess stops by?

    • beautifulmess7 October 20, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

      Thank you Elsie. It is very nice to have living support all around me. I talked to my husband later and he said that he is not angry at me. He is just having a hard time coming to terms with everything and adjusting to his new reality. He also told me he wasn’t in a good place to talk today, and that he will try again later once he was able to calm himself.

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