We had our first “date” since the separation, and it was a disaster. I have to start by saying that I looked hot. Seriously. I have battled with poor self-esteem, and even I knew I was smoking. He didn’t say a word. Nothing.
He ordered water and refused to eat. He didn’t start an argument, he wasn’t sulky, and he didn’t act angry, but he also wasn’t engaging or interesting. I think he tried to make small talk. He asked what I had been doing, told me he was doing “nothing” and shared that he has been writing and working his book. He did say he wants me to read some of what he has written because he can’t process and articulate correctly in person.
I think he was unsure what to talk about. Mostly we just chatted. He asked about my work, then briefly listened. He bitched about his work extensively. He complained about the apartment he is renting – how it feels like a jail, how he has to lay on the bed to watch TV, how he wishes he knew earlier that his brother was out of town so he could be staying at his place, etc. He said more than once how tired he is and how he falls asleep at 8 most nights. He talked about HBO and two new female co-workers.
Overall I got too much of a “poor me” vibe and not enough “man of action.” Of course no STD or psychological testing was mentioned. He was full of excuses about looking for a new job even though this one is apparently awful and pays shit (basically his assessment). He did say he feels he is accomplishing something with his therapy to uncover his reasons for lying. That was encouraging. I shared some of my little personal growth moments from the last week.
Finally, near the end of our time together, after I returned from the bathroom and caught two guys checking me out, I mentioned something about his lack of notice/caring/whatever of me. I did it in a very I-know-I’m-hot-so-I-don’t-even-care-that-you-don’t kind of way, with an evil smirk on my face. He said he was just thinking how good I look, but he didn’t want me to think he was being disingenuous or trying to weasel his way back in with me. He said he was completely overthinking things.
The whole lackluster event ended at 8:30, only an hour and a half after it started, without us touching each other once. He didn’t try to hold my hand, hug me, or even really get close at all. He never ate. I paid my bill. He didn’t even walk me to my car. If this was a first date I would not be going on a second one.
However, I know that this WASN’T a first date. We have a lot of baggage trying to tag along. I need to cut myself and him a little slack. Hopefully they will get better. For now, it’s a start. I know my expectations were too high. It has only been 2 weeks since our separation. Change is gradual and takes time. That’s why we planned to separate for 3 months. I have to realize things are messy and complicated right now. I need to let go of my fairy-tale, romantic-movie fantasies. I can’t change him or this night, so I have to work on changing me. I will use this as an opportunity to make myself stronger and healthier.