Baby, It’s a Real Fine Line

3 Nov

On my ride home from my Mom’s birthday party tonight the perfect song popped up on my radio.  It’s called Fine Line by Little Big Town.  Here’s the video:

 

I couldn’t write words more perfect than these…

Fine Line

Completely complacent,
So decidedly vacant
I keep waiting for something to give,
But that something is always me
You consume what you’re able,
I get crumbs from your table
You call this comfortably normal
But I call it getting by

[Chorus]
Baby, it’s a fine line
I’m holding on, you’re holding back
Baby, it’s a fine line
Can’t you hear me knockin at your door?
But you’re taking your sweet time
In love and out of touch, yeah
Baby, it’s a fine line
Baby, it’s a real fine line

Do you feel the distance,
like I feel resistance?
If I pull any farther away,
would you even come after me?
But the one thing I’m fearing
Is that I’m disappearing
How can I keep believing
If you won’t prove me wrong?

[Chorus]

Baby, it’s a fine line, yeah baby,
It’s a real fine line
Baby, it’s a fine line, hey baby, hey baby
Baby, it’s a fine line,
Can’t you hear me knockin’ at your door?
But you’re taking your sweet time,
Always taking your sweet time, yeah
Baby, it’s a fine line,
It’s a real fine, it’s a real fine line
Baby, it’s a fine line

The words of that song seem like they were made for me, for right where I am now.  We’re walking a tight rope, balancing on a very fine line.  I feel like I have been here holding on by my fingertips for so long while he’s been holding back – hiding who he is, lying, keeping his heart and mind from me, being complacent, and consuming everything I have to give.  Now I know that I can’t live that way, and I’m changing – what I will accept, what I know I deserve, and how much I’m willing to take, or better yet, what I know I need from a partner.

This controlled separation has been a great tool so far.  I am gaining confidence.  I am reveling in how wonderful it is to live without constant lies and the up and down, crazy roller-coaster of being in a relationship with someone who isn’t as committed as I am.  It’s like when you have intense pain – a migraine or toothache, for instance – and you finally get relief.  When the pain disappears, nothing has ever felt sweeter than those first amazing, blessed pain free moments.  They always make me more thankful and aware of the gifts that I take for granted.

The separation has been like that for me.  I am rediscovering the things about myself that I love.  I am acknowledging the things that I can do to make myself happy.  I cooked a large part of an amazing dinner tonight.  At one point I had 3 different pots going while I was prepping 2 other things.  I cleaned as I went.  I was a whirling queen of the kitchen.  Everyone said the food was delicious.  It was healthy – using whole wheat and grains and truvia and fresh vegetables.  And it was all me.  Okay, my grandma and brother and sister also contributed courses, so that’s not completely true.  However, I did 2 appetizers and 3 sides including killer macaroni & cheese and made-from-scratch cole slaw.  I’m proud of everything I put out.

I went on a little tangent there, but hopefully you’re still following me.  I believe that I am personally on the cusp of one of the best times of my life.  I am gaining clarity, feeling my inner strength coming out, and getting secure in who I am.  I am confident that I will be okay, no matter what happens with my marriage.

In the last few days it also seems like my husband has shaken some of the cobwebs out of his head.  I can’t speak for him about what has changed, but I have sensed that something is different.  I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is.  Our interactions are closer to what I had hoped they would be.  He seems to be stepping up in a few ways.  It’s what I want.

But now I feel uneasy.  I wonder why things are different.  I wonder if this will be just another temporary change.  I wonder how we can repair this thing we have.  I have never been a worrier, and somehow that’s what I find myself doing now.  Then I remember why I have always hated worrying.  It is crazy-making, and it doesn’t accomplish anything.  I hate not accomplishing anything.

So when I feel my mind wandering down that path, I refocus myself on something productive.  Sometimes it’s reading.  Sometimes it’s cleaning.  Sometimes it’s writing.  Sometimes it’s opening up my S-Anon daily devotional.  Sometimes it’s calling someone to talk through my thoughts.  Whatever I do, I try to keep perspective on the growth I am making and remind myself that this is a long journey.  There are at least 9 more weeks of this controlled separation and years and years of my life left.  I don’t have to do it all now.  I CAN’T do it all now.  What I can do now is keep balancing on this fine line between being married and not called separation.

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2 Responses to “Baby, It’s a Real Fine Line”

  1. A Dog With Fleas November 4, 2012 at 10:48 pm #

    I agree totally with the above comment. You seem more comfortable in your skin and the way you are living you life. And that I believe comes with the peace you have in your everyday life without all the worrying and stressing about the “what if’s” So happy you are using this time for yourself and gaining more knowledge about what makes you happy. Yoru analogy about getting rid of the toothache or migraine is right on for this post. Once you get rid of the pain and all those nagging feelings, you can’t help but feel better.

  2. Our Journey After His Affair November 4, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    Your confidence emenates through this post.

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