Congratulations! You’re an Ass!

17 Nov

I’ve been reading the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? that our marriage counselor used for the basis of out controlled separation.  My two airplane rides gave me a chance to really dig in and get more insight.  One thing the author suggests is that if one person is interested in seeing what else is out there, the controlled separation time should be used for that.  The guideline is that if one person wants to date other people and the other doesn’t, the person who does want to date should get that option.

At first I was confused and negative about that idea, but this week really opened my eyes.  I honestly didn’t think there was anything out there that could be better until I met great, quality people with character who I connected with.  Suddenly, I could understand the value of dating other people.  This is a time to figure out if this marriage is what’s best for me, after all.  How can I know that without opening my eyes to other possibilities?

I told Mr. Mess yesterday that I would like to date other people while we are separated.  I told him that I want to make connections and try out new things.  He isn’t taking it well.  In fact, he is showing me exactly what kind of person he really is, and it’s not pretty.

His immature, manipulative reaction is to start texting my family – my Dad and my Mom and probably others as well.  He refused to listen to what I actually have to say and started accusing me of going after one of his friends (who is very sweet, has been great to connect with, but who I am not involved with in any way whatsoever other than friendship). He started playing games and sending nasty texts and acting like a 5 year-old. I know he is angry and hurt. He has a right to be. It just shows me that he can’t think about anyone else for even one second.

Here is just a sampling of our exchanges:

Him: “So why dont you say you want a divorce because i dont want to date anyone and your wanting to tells me you are looking to move on”

Divorce does seem like that is where things are headed, but I told him, “I have always been looking to move on. I’m just done waiting for you to join me, step up, be an adult & give me what I deserve. So I’m going to make my own happiness – whatever it may be & where ever it may lead me.”

His response was a passive-aggressive jab – “Wow i see you have heeded doctor [MC]’s advice and not use text messages for this type of conversation.”

He has a point. I agreed to that.  I can own my shit.  Rather than address my valid concerns, though, he just brushed them off and made it all about him.

My response: “Sorry about that. I didn’t want to not be honest about my feelings. You also havent taken any initiative to coordinate face to face contact. After over a month of separation, I didnt want to wait any longer to tell you.”

His response: A string of childish texts naming his friends or people I know that he is convinced I now want to start “screwing.”

Me: “No. Sorry you are hurting.”

Him: “Right i can tell you are… lets see you get back to town and tell me you want to start sleeping around no [beautifulmess] im not hurting im seeing everything clearly now.” Then more crap about going to see someone and give them his blessing to sleep with me.

Me: “I dont know why you dont believe me but I dont lie to you & I have no plans to date ____.”

Him: “Yeah i know [beautifulmess] you just keep things from me until you feel it is to your advantage to tell me.”

Me: “I dont know what I’ve kept from you. If you havent seen me begging for years for a committed, honest relationship with someone who appreciates me then its not because I have been hiding anything.”

“This week just made me realize how free & happy I can be & how much life has to offer.”

“I really do hope you are seeing things clearly. I know you are angry. It is not my intention to cause that.”

Him: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

Me: “Look I know you are mad but its been over a month now that we’ve been separated & nothing has changed. You’ve barely made any effort & I am realizing I can’t pause my life waiting for you to step up. Maybe if you read my blog you would understand.”

Whatever. There has been more and more and more crap that I could go into, but I’m getting tired of it all. With his last move texting my family that I won’t give him the time to get better because I can’t wait for him and other poor me crap, I have just had it. I’ve been trying and trying and trying for the last year and a half years since all hell broke loose in March of 2011 and I drew my line in the sand – get help, get better, or get out. I’ve done nothing BUT wait. Now I have to keep moving forward.

I truly am sorry that he is so hurt and angry about it all.  As much as he doesn’t believe me, I hope he does get better.  That hope is now just based on the fact that I care about him, not on my fantasy that he can be what I need.  I’m sorry he’s miserable.  I simply refuse to be any more.

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24 Responses to “Congratulations! You’re an Ass!”

  1. scabs December 13, 2012 at 2:48 am #

    I’m giggling here! Addicts have such a weird way of communicating! I’m sorry for the weirdness you’re dealing with but happy for you’re new outlook on your life. 🙂

  2. Lostinma November 18, 2012 at 11:54 am #

    So why does the heart hurt so much when the future is so promising?

    • beautifulmess7 November 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm #

      Because change is scary and letting go of what you envisioned for your life is sad. It’s a hard road, but I think it’s worth it.

  3. Lostinma November 18, 2012 at 7:42 am #

    😃 It’s your tenacity that will get you through

  4. Our Journey After His Affair November 17, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

    If his road is being paved to hell, it is he that is paving it, not you!

    I think that you’ve tried to explain it to him that you are becoming independent and doing what you need for yourself and he just isn’t getting it. Obviously.

    Hopefully now he will take you seriously when you say you need change/improvement. Really, you need a bigger leap than that. I don’t think he has really thought about exactly how MUCH he needs to step up. His indifference and blame shifting will keep him sick.

    You two are really in two different places and I am not sure he is willing to make the strides to catch up. I want to say I’m sorry this doesn’t seem to be working, but I am also happy that you are doing what you need to live a happy life and surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you. I know I do! You’ve helped me in more ways than you can imagine.

    • beautifulmess7 November 18, 2012 at 12:19 am #

      It’s people like you who are helping me get to the place I’m going. I can’t keep basing my decisions on what he does and doesn’t do. It feels nice to own my own happiness.

      • Our Journey After His Affair November 18, 2012 at 1:00 am #

        That is the mindset I had to take. But you do base your decision on whether you stay or go on what he does or does not do. You just don’t base your happiness on it. 😉

        Had he worked his ass of in the beginning to fulfill his duty as a husband to honor you and your happiness, you would be in a much different place making much different decisions. He ultimately forced you into the position you are in now by making poor choices, and continuing to do so. You are no longer giving him the option to have any kind of power to steer you any certain way emotionally. You’re simply deciding to have a healthy and happy life and demanding those in it to embrace that with you. That is not too much to ask for.

  5. sixspring7 November 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

    My therapist told me that to engage in those discussions were enabling him. Negative reinforcement, if you will. I think it was healthy for you to tell him……for YOU. And if he was speaking from a place of recovery, he would not have been angry and antagonistic. A response that comes from recovery would have been sad or disappointed, but understanding and patient.
    You are either moving forward or regressing. There is no standing still.

    • beautifulmess7 November 17, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

      That’s true because life keeps moving even if you don’t.

      • wallybear12 November 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

        From here on out I expect absolute honesty from both him and myself, it’s what has gotten us into where we are today.
        The trust isn’t there and I don’t know if you can have a marriage let alone relationship without that. That is our impass he is okay with me not trusting him but I am not okay with living like this.
        If I met him today I would not be with him.

        • beautifulmess7 November 18, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

          You and my therapist just inspired a new post.

  6. rgonaut November 17, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    I guess I view separation as separation. I would not be telling my separated spouse this kind of information. Certainly I would not go out of my way to, its not their business, that in part is the purpose of separation, you don’t want to be part of their life just now. It just creates trouble. It actually may hurt one of you when you don’t need to. Keep contact to only contact that is necessary to conduct business, and fairly share the family. Maybe I’m too harsh, but I see it as a trial divorce almost. Certainly the lead up to either a divorce, or possibly to reconciliation, but it does not involve either party waiting on the other to change. Now you may feel that your wedding vows to do with being faithful still apply or not. If you feel they apply fine, but its not his business. Get on with your life. Have some fun without worrying about him.

    • beautifulmess7 November 17, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

      I understand what you mean. I guess I just wanted to err on the side of honesty. The separation agreement we talked about didn’t really mention dating or relationships with other people. I suppose the truth is that I’ve been operating with less than all of the information I needed for so long that I didn’t want to do the same to him, even if he deserves it.

      You have given me some food for thought. I certainly have been waiting on him to change, which is something I now realize is not healthy or productive for me.

      • rgonaut November 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

        You would knowbetter than me what your separation means. I know what it would mean to me. It’s like a trial divorce to see how I/we like not being married. Not minding each other’s business and generally not dealing with each others problems as much as possible. Some people after they try this for awhile, decide they’d rather go back to their marriage, some don’t.
        In your case, maybe there’s this element of waiting to see if he can better on his own. I think this element isn’t good for you. If he gets better, than good for him. If at that time you are still available and he pursues you more power to him and you.

  7. Melanie Papasian November 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    Earlier this year, I was pretty much exactly where you are. I subscribed to your blog because you’re the first person I found who had the courage to blog about it in such wrenching detail. I admire you for that, and I am sure the story of your journey is helping countless others (I’m happy they are being helped, but sad because they have to know this pain that you and I have known).

    My situation was a little more clear-cut than yours (like it’s ever easy) because my husband was doing things that were illegal and very much against my moral code (even moreso than just cheating on me). But I left, and things have steadily been falling apart in his life, and things have been looking up for me. I even met someone…by accident!…who is amazing and treats me like I always imagined I’d be treated when I thought about how I wanted my adult relationships to be.

    I guess I just wanted to write and tell you that you know what the right thing is for you…and once you do it, you can start to heal…and in healing, there’s happiness. I’m not done with my journey yet, but I feel so far away from where I was when I was where you are (March? April?)…and I feel so much more peace. I guess I would have wanted someone who had been through this to reassure me that inner peace was still possible…so…here it is.

    All the best to you…I hope you find what you’re looking for, like I did.

    • beautifulmess7 November 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

      Thank you. I appreciate that so much. You have me in tears yet again. I have cried more in the last 24 hours than at any time I can remember other than when my grandfather died.

      This time it’s tears of relief and joy, though. I didn’t realize how oppressed I had been in this relationship until the last few days. That word – oppressed – is actually the one my therapist used today. Now that it is lifting and I’m starting to see the possibilities in front of me I’m accessing my emotions much more freely than I was before.

      I’m so happy for you that you have found peace and happiness. There will always be complications in life. It’s hard to watch someone we love (even if it’s no longer the same love it was before) disentigrate before our eyes. I can’t worry about him anymore, though. I’m glad you are doing the same by pursuing your own healing and positive relationships!

  8. wallybear12 November 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

    At least your honest with him he may not like it but you are telling him how you feel, he could have used it as a stepping stone to say lets go on a date, or I got that test here’s the results, just any forward movement to show you why he’s worth it.
    That’s what I asked my husband this past week why couldn’t you have been honest with me? That’s what hurts the most the lies and deception, and I said I deserve someone who loves me for me… He was clearly dejected.
    Reading your posting just reinforces my thoughts.

    • beautifulmess7 November 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

      You know, that’s almost exactly what my Mom said. I’m trying to do right by him. I know he is hurt. I don’t want to do that to him. But I have to think about what’s best for me right now. I do deserve someone who loves me for me. So do you!

      Someone who is worth my time and effort and love would have used that as an opportunity to step up and win me back. Someone who deserves me would tell me the truth. Someone who’s worth it would admit his mistakes and take positive action to correct them. Someone who cares about ME and loves ME would have stopped to listen to what I have to say instead of making it all about him.

      • wallybear12 November 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

        Do you think they don’t because its been all about them?

  9. jimshortz November 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    Reading your journey is giving me the courage to face the possibility that the happy ending I want may not be the one that will make me happy. It’s scary territory to be in, but thanks for showing that it ain’t just me feeling this way! 🙂

    • beautifulmess7 November 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm #

      It is scary territory. And you’re not alone!

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