I’ve been reading the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? that our marriage counselor used for the basis of out controlled separation. My two airplane rides gave me a chance to really dig in and get more insight. One thing the author suggests is that if one person is interested in seeing what else is out there, the controlled separation time should be used for that. The guideline is that if one person wants to date other people and the other doesn’t, the person who does want to date should get that option.
At first I was confused and negative about that idea, but this week really opened my eyes. I honestly didn’t think there was anything out there that could be better until I met great, quality people with character who I connected with. Suddenly, I could understand the value of dating other people. This is a time to figure out if this marriage is what’s best for me, after all. How can I know that without opening my eyes to other possibilities?
I told Mr. Mess yesterday that I would like to date other people while we are separated. I told him that I want to make connections and try out new things. He isn’t taking it well. In fact, he is showing me exactly what kind of person he really is, and it’s not pretty.
His immature, manipulative reaction is to start texting my family – my Dad and my Mom and probably others as well. He refused to listen to what I actually have to say and started accusing me of going after one of his friends (who is very sweet, has been great to connect with, but who I am not involved with in any way whatsoever other than friendship). He started playing games and sending nasty texts and acting like a 5 year-old. I know he is angry and hurt. He has a right to be. It just shows me that he can’t think about anyone else for even one second.
Here is just a sampling of our exchanges:
Him: “So why dont you say you want a divorce because i dont want to date anyone and your wanting to tells me you are looking to move on”
Divorce does seem like that is where things are headed, but I told him, “I have always been looking to move on. I’m just done waiting for you to join me, step up, be an adult & give me what I deserve. So I’m going to make my own happiness – whatever it may be & where ever it may lead me.”
His response was a passive-aggressive jab – “Wow i see you have heeded doctor [MC]’s advice and not use text messages for this type of conversation.”
He has a point. I agreed to that. I can own my shit. Rather than address my valid concerns, though, he just brushed them off and made it all about him.
My response: “Sorry about that. I didn’t want to not be honest about my feelings. You also havent taken any initiative to coordinate face to face contact. After over a month of separation, I didnt want to wait any longer to tell you.”
His response: A string of childish texts naming his friends or people I know that he is convinced I now want to start “screwing.”
Me: “No. Sorry you are hurting.”
Him: “Right i can tell you are… lets see you get back to town and tell me you want to start sleeping around no [beautifulmess] im not hurting im seeing everything clearly now.” Then more crap about going to see someone and give them his blessing to sleep with me.
Me: “I dont know why you dont believe me but I dont lie to you & I have no plans to date ____.”
Him: “Yeah i know [beautifulmess] you just keep things from me until you feel it is to your advantage to tell me.”
Me: “I dont know what I’ve kept from you. If you havent seen me begging for years for a committed, honest relationship with someone who appreciates me then its not because I have been hiding anything.”
“This week just made me realize how free & happy I can be & how much life has to offer.”
“I really do hope you are seeing things clearly. I know you are angry. It is not my intention to cause that.”
Him: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Me: “Look I know you are mad but its been over a month now that we’ve been separated & nothing has changed. You’ve barely made any effort & I am realizing I can’t pause my life waiting for you to step up. Maybe if you read my blog you would understand.”
Whatever. There has been more and more and more crap that I could go into, but I’m getting tired of it all. With his last move texting my family that I won’t give him the time to get better because I can’t wait for him and other poor me crap, I have just had it. I’ve been trying and trying and trying for the last year and a half years since all hell broke loose in March of 2011 and I drew my line in the sand – get help, get better, or get out. I’ve done nothing BUT wait. Now I have to keep moving forward.
I truly am sorry that he is so hurt and angry about it all. As much as he doesn’t believe me, I hope he does get better. That hope is now just based on the fact that I care about him, not on my fantasy that he can be what I need. I’m sorry he’s miserable. I simply refuse to be any more.