Childish Behavior

20 Nov

I find it funny in a very sad way how quickly my husband has turned into a pretty, childish mess.  I really shouldn’t be surprised, yet somehow I was.  Each time I think he can’t sink lower with his immature, passive-aggressiveness he proves me wrong and does.  I don’t know why I thought this could be handled in a mature way…

I have been told to never mention him in my blog again…  like that’s even possible when I’m dealing with the fallout of everything he has done and everything this marriage could have been and wasn’t.  He is re-writing history, trying to get his family to gang up on me, and playing ridiculous blame games trying to make this all my fault.

Case in point:  On Sunday night after my family Thanksgiving I sat with my Mom and step-Dad after everyone had left, just talking, when I began receiving melodramatic text messages from him.  I have since deleted them, but the basic gist is that he can’t handle one more day of being out of the house.  Not that he wants to come back, I don’t think, just that he is jealous and angry that I have a home and he doesn’t.  He wants me to hurry up and divorce him already (at least that’s what I think he’s saying).  I’m not really sure what his point was…

What I do know is that he isn’t very good at communicating.  He wants to complain and lash out as far as I can tell.  He started blaming me that it will be 2 weeks before the next marriage counseling appointment.  I can’t help that the therapist is out this week for the holiday and Mr. Mess couldn’t be bothered to come on Saturday.  It sounds like a personal problem.

On this front, I’m just taking things a day at a time and living my life.  I am going no contact with him outside of marriage counseling or to tell him when he gets mail.

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33 Responses to “Childish Behavior”

  1. journeyman1977 November 28, 2012 at 11:09 am #

    Been reading this post and the ensuing comments….want a guy’s perspective? I’ve been an asshole most of my life and I hurt badly a woman I cared very much about by behaving just like Mr.Mess is at the time of your post. I’m not taking sides but I’ll say this… ignore him but be civil when you do interact…once he’s calmed down he’ll be more rational. Make it clear to him through your actions (ignoring him) that that’s the penalty for behaving like an ass. We can be obtuse…but eventually we get the picture. Oh and don’t give him the dogs. Not that he’ll hurt them but just don’t…he’s testing the boundaries. i did pretty much the same thing in other ways. Finally, what Eric commented on ‘ Awaken the giant within’…that’s so apt. What scares guys like Mr. Mess and me in my other life was empowerment. The partner’s empowerment. Scares the crap out of us. Though most of us wont admit it. So go on, awaken the giant. You’ll be happier for it.

    • Castimonia November 30, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

      This depends on what sort of “mother wound” he has. There are those that get scared with “empowered” women, and there are those that get angry with “empowered” women.

  2. Rollercoasterider November 21, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    I am so sorry this is happening. This is what I call Monster and as Castimonia said “Your husband is responding from his pain and woundedness. This is typical response to feeling like he has been wronged and not realizing what he did in his acting out days led to this.”
    He’s trying to keep you engaged in order to get his narcissistic supply.
    I think I’ve mentioned it before–as have others. You need to determine not only what you want, but what do you think he is capable of–do you think he is capable of honesty? How about empathy?
    Even if he learns to be honest–and I am so sorry, but I’m skeptical of the–do you think he has the capacity to empathize? He has displayed a lot of attributes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I deal with cases of midlife crisis and MLCers display NPD traits, but those traits are often limited to the crisis and not part of the core person. Is that the case with your husband? Are the narcissistic behaviors typical for him, or are they new to this situation–the situation being the entire period since you D-day, not just the separation.

    • beautifulmess7 November 22, 2012 at 12:51 am #

      I’m afraid he can’t be honest. I also wonder if the small amounts of empathy I’ve seen from him are genuine.

      I’ve suspected NPD for a while because his behavior falls very much in line with what I’ve read. That’s why I put psychological/psychiatric testing on my “must have” list before we could ever move back in together.

      Sadly at this point I don’t see that happening.

  3. shawnthewife November 21, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    There are emotional phases, all vary in length and intensity from cheater to cheater, but most of us will see each behavior at some point during recovery.
    I hate the angry stage! The anger and acting out is indeed childish! Usually, in the first phase the WS is compliant and understanding about the needs of the betrayed. If that doesn’t get the desired response, they’ll move on to the anger and the tantrums. Since that rarely works, the next phase of Mr. Mess’ emotional transformation may be throwing himself under the bus with much self deprecation. He doesn’t deserve you! You are too good for him! He could never live up to the kind of man you deserve! Waaahhh…So pathetic!
    Yep. Bet you hear all that during your next MC appt.
    Hang tough!

    • shawnthewife November 21, 2012 at 11:22 am #

      I just re-read this! I HATE the anger stage?? Sure…when it’s the cheater acting angry, but I embrace it when it suits my needs!! Hypocritical much? Ugh…

    • beautifulmess7 November 21, 2012 at 11:52 am #

      The biggest thing is I just don’t know what he has to be angry about towards me. I’ve given this thing my all and then some.

      • shawnthewife November 21, 2012 at 12:25 pm #

        You know there is no logic to any of this, right? Mr. Mess doesn’t seem to be thinking clearly right now. I mean, do spoiled children behave rationally when they have their favorite toy taken away? This is the same damn premise. He could still grow up and get a clue. I really rooting for that!

        • sixspring7 November 21, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

          Yeah, it’s not anything to do with you. You get the brunt of it, but not about you. Think of it this way…..no true growth comes from getting what you want. When bad sh*t happens, if we don’t learn something from it, we haven’t grown or stretched. So this is a good test to see which end he comes out of……not to say that’s why you are choosing to carry on. Can’t wait for them to get better for us to be happy. Cuz then we’ve put one foot back on the ‘crazy train’.

  4. Eric November 21, 2012 at 10:43 am #

    Beautiful,

    There’s a book called Awaken the Giant Within. I’ve never read the book and have no idea what it’s about, but I think the title is so evocative. I like the idea that there is so much more to each of us than we ever realize, just waiting for the time to come out.

    That phrase, “awaken the giant within,” is what keeps popping into my mind when I read your posts from the last couple of days. Something powerful has been stirred in you. Something big. And I can’t wait to see where this leads.

    Eric

    • beautifulmess7 November 21, 2012 at 10:45 am #

      Thank you. I will have to check out that book. I think you are right about powerful changes happening inside me

  5. Teatart November 21, 2012 at 7:24 am #

    I def agree with Castimonia’s reply. He is acting out in anger and pain, and obviously trying very hard to evoke a reaction out of you. Perhaps he feels this will absolve him from his guilt??? Hang in there, the storm will soon abate.

    • beautifulmess7 November 21, 2012 at 7:29 am #

      Yeah that is definitely what’s happening, I just don’t know what to do

      • Our Journey After His Affair November 21, 2012 at 9:22 am #

        Well, since you don’t have any kids, I’ll tell ya!! lol

        Just wait for him to finish with his tantrum. Don’t respond to anything while he is behaving this way. When he has stopped, give him enough time to calm himself down and clear his head so he can think clearly and respond from a place other than anger.

        😉

        • beautifulmess7 November 21, 2012 at 9:50 am #

          Now he wants to come take my dogs for the day… It’s making me uncomfortable. I had those dogs before I met him… why would he want to take them anywhere?

          • Eric November 21, 2012 at 10:46 am #

            Beautiful,

            That IS weird. Trust your gut. If I were you, I’d just say something like “Thanks, but this isn’t a good time.”

            Eric

  6. Our Journey After His Affair November 20, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

    He doesn’t have anyone telling him what to do and how to handle this. 😉

    At this point, you have made it VERY clear that you are not doing the work for him and that you are focusing on dealing with your own issues and creating your own happiness. It’s apparent that he can’t handle the fact that you have left him to his own devices. He literally has nothing.

    Congratulations, you have REALLY just helped create his bottom for him. Now, let’s see if he continues to blame you and be passive-aggressive or if he is going to be the grown man he is and own up to his shit.

    • rgonaut November 20, 2012 at 10:26 pm #

      I agree. Let’s see if he owns up. But don’t be fooled he will say anything at this point. Actions are what counts.
      And remember don’t send false messages. You are separated. You are seeing if you prefer this and in order to see you need distance. He will not want to give that to you because he likes being dependent on you.

      • beautifulmess7 November 21, 2012 at 11:57 am #

        Yeah, that is the hardest part. He is kicking and screaming like a little kid that doesn’t want his mommy to go to work. I have a hard time not responding.

    • beautifulmess7 November 20, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

      That is the question isn’t it?

  7. Castimonia November 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    Your husband is responding from his pain and woundedness. This is typical respone to feeling like he has been wronged and not realizing what he did in his acting out days led to this.

    • sixspring7 November 20, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

      When do they ‘get it’, Castimona? Think I’ve lost patience.

      • Castimonia November 28, 2012 at 10:47 am #

        I honestly can’t answer that question. Healing comes on God’s time, not ours. Typically, the 1st year is the most difficult as BOTH addict and spouse work on their individual and joint recovery. It may take 1 year to see change, it may take 5 years. IF the addict is working a good program, staying sober, AND practicing rigorous honesty, THEN the results will come faster. I have seen results in many men within 1 year, but they have to be committed to recovery! Regardless, both addict and spouse must practice patience.

        • sixspring7 November 28, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

          well that is daunting. and deflating. I wish there was an addict in recovery that I could pick their brain. I have no idea what to expect or what is reasonable. *sigh*

          • Castimonia November 30, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

            You need to ask yourself these questions:

            Are they maintaining sobriety?
            Are they going to therapy?
            Are they meeting with their sponsor?
            Are they going to meetings?
            Are they working a recovery program?
            Are they trying to practice rigorous honesty?
            Are they willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage?

            If you answered “yes” to 5 or more, then I would recommend patience. If you answered “no” to a majority, then he needs to reevaluate what is important to him or risk losing his marriage.

            • tiredpancakes November 30, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

              Thank you, Castimonia. I will copy & paste.

  8. sixspring7 November 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    This is exactly what my husband did when i made him move to another bedroom because he violated three of my boundaries. Next move is out of the house. They are sooo self centered its shocking and I know thats part of the disease and his attachment issues….stilll…
    He said, “Well I’ll just move out of the house!!!” My response was…” I hope you don’t for the sake of the kids, but you need to do whats best for you.” and then turned on my heel.
    It’s been my observation that there are certain times when you are dealing with Sybill. The adult facade melts and standing before you is a very small little boy. In my situation it is an emtional AND physical transformation before my eyes. Kinda scary to watch. I go from anger to…sweet Jesus, what is going on??? I used to work in early childhood and I see all the cognition, and emotional functioning of a child in that moment.
    Sometimes I think they believe if they talk long enough and fast enough they’ll get what they want. It’s a verbiage assault. I think ear plugs are in order…….; )

    • beautifulmess7 November 20, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

      I agree!!! Earplugs sounds great! It really is like a total transformation

  9. Samantha Baker November 20, 2012 at 11:55 am #

    It’s the Charlie Brown teacher noise I hear…remember that sound?

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  1. When your inlaws stink… « Help 4 Life - January 22, 2013

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