“None of this is intended to be manipulative: my writing, the trial separation. It’s honest. For the first time in years, my actions match my feelings. And that’s good for my soul.”
That is where I am right now. I am being completely authentic. Several times in the past few days my husband has accused me of having ulterior motives, or of being manipulative, or of lying. He doesn’t understand. I am not doing or being any of those things. I’m being me. I am actually doing the things that make me happy.
Yesterday I went to karate for an hour. Then afterwards there was a kickboxing class. I decided to stay for that, too. At the end of two hours I was hot, exhausted, soaking wet, and feeling fantastic. The karate class was great because I got to practice my punches with a partner. The kickboxing class was so intense I thought I was going to puke or pass out or both. I pushed through it, and it felt great.
My husband tried to ruin my night by threatening to break into my house to get a set of darts. He texted me right before I was going to walk out the door for my karate class telling me (not asking) that he was coming by right then. I didn’t have time to go looking for them or figure out a way to leave them somewhere for him. I was literally walking out the door and needed to be there early to register, get my uniform, change, etc. He did not take it well. I foolishly engaged with him.
I’m not going to do that again. I’m not going to argue. I’m not going to defend myself. I have nothing to defend. For now I have peace in knowing that I am being true to myself. I’m going to do my best to carry myself with integrity and honesty and grace no matter what he does.