Accepting and Preparing for Divorce

23 Nov

I have come to the conclusion that my marriage is really not going to work.  Mr. Mess is so immature, irresponsible, damaged, and emotionally stunted that I can’t wait for him to get himself together.  That may never happen.  Even if it did, I think my ability to trust him has been damaged so much that it is completely beyond repair.  I need to move forward to something and someone that is healthy, together, and right for me.

In order to do that I have to do something that I never, ever thought I would do – get a divorce.  I have to wrap my head around the fact that I have given my all and it still wasn’t enough.  I have to accept that this marriage failed.  I never wanted that to happen.  I don’t like failing in anything, especially something that I find as important as marriage.  I have to accept the fact that I made the wrong decision when I tied myself to this man “for life.”  He wasn’t the one for me.  Maybe there isn’t a “one.”

I don’t like to admit those things.  I didn’t want to accept them.  This marriage has just reached its inevitable conclusion.  There’s nothing left.  He has nothing for me.  Even if he wanted to (which he has made clear that he doesn’t), any effort on his part to actually be my husband would be far too little, far too late.  No STD testing?  It’s his problem if he has a serious illness or contracts one in the future, for that matter.  No psychiatric examination?  He’s the one who has to deal with his bipolar, narcissistic personality, ADHD self, not me.  Hallelujah!

Now that I have closure and peace about the fact that there is really nothing more I can do and there is nothing he has to offer me, I have set my eyes on the process of divorcing in Virginia.  I’ve found a few things that are good to know and that put my mind at ease a bit.  Like I thought, we still have to be separated for 6 months.  That means I won’t be free until April at the earliest.  That’s okay, though…  I can make it.

Some other stuff that I’ve discovered:

The Commonwealth of Virginia has a “no fault” divorce known as voluntary separation. It usually means that you and your spouse have separated after mutually and voluntarily agreeing that you no longer wish to live together as husband and wife and that there is no hope for a reconciliation.  Your spouse cannot threaten or blackmail you into leaving; you separate because you both want to.  To get a divorce on this ground you have to be separated without interruption (not even one night) without cohabitation (not a single incident of sexual intercourse) for one year (six months if no children) and there is no hope of reconciliation. Remember though, if this is not a mutual and voluntary situation you will have to use another ground to get a divorce.

The portions in red above were from the site I copied this from; however I would like to point out that none of those items are of any concern to me whatsoever.  He will not be here one more night, there is absolutely no chance of any sexual intercourse, and there certainly is no more hope of reconciliation.  Having the closure in my heart to be able to say those things with certainty is great.

Another thing that my step-Dad mentioned to me is the possibility that he could seek alimony from me since he basically has no career and no prospects and no savings whatsoever.  I’m not a millionaire by any stretch of the imagination, but I am financially secure with a good job.  To ease my mind a bit I found this:

What are the Requirements for Spousal Support?

The rules regarding spousal support are often classified based on the length of marriage.

Short marriages

  • The court assumes that you have kept the same ability to support yourself that you had before marriage.
  • Each spouse is expected to be substantially independent and self-supporting within a short period of time.

According to what I can find, a short marriage is anything lasting 5 years or less.  Our marriage only lasted 2 years.  Our entire relationship was just shy of 5.  No matter which way you look at it, the courts should expect him to take care of himself.  The fact that I’m 20 years younger than him should also help my chances of not having to support his lazy ass.

If I sound bitter it’s because he came by today to pick up his beloved darts (which were worth breaking into my house for, you know) and said that he may try to seek alimony.  Really?!  I shouldn’t be shocked by his behavior, but nevertheless his level of shamelessness is astounding.

He also said that he wants me to buy him a new bed because the one he told me he didn’t want anymore that I could do anything I wanted with was taken to the dump by my Dad.  I didn’t know he was going to do that – I thought he would store it – but he dumped it while I was gone in Atlanta.  According to my Dad it was after he talked to Mr. Mess, who didn’t seem to express an interest in coming to get it.  I offered the one I have to replace it (which is the same size and a better quality bed), but he said he didn’t want it.  Okay…

The main thing that I’m concerned with at the moment is the car that he’s driving, which is in my name.  Mr. Mess will spout some garbage that it’s because I’m controlling and have to have everything in my name (which is what he said today).  Whatever.  He seems to have selective memory since he couldn’t get a loan in his name.  Not only is his credit rating terrible, but he also has past-due collections outstanding and a lop-sided income to debt ratio because of his student loans.

He has tried to get a loan in his name for the car like 3 times already, and keeps getting denied.  I told him today that he really needs to get that taken care of as soon as possible – either sell the car to pay it off or find a way to assume the loan, maybe with a family member as the co-signer.  His extremely helpful reply (sarcasm) was that he is “working on it.”  Forgive me if I’m not overflowing with confidence.

Oh well.  Things will work out one way or another, and I will be better for having him out of my life.  I will miss some of his family, like his sister who got in touch with me yesterday.  There is no rule saying we can’t still be friends, which is what I plan.  I also plan to be happy.  He can’t stand in my way.  As much as he is trying his damnest to bring me down, it’s not going to happen.  I’m holding onto the knowledge that I gained in Atlanta where I met amazing people with a lot going for them who liked me for me.  I have a lot to offer the world, and it has a lot to offer me back.

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39 Responses to “Accepting and Preparing for Divorce”

  1. Castimonia November 29, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    Not that I condone divorce, but in your case, you need to protect yourself. It is obvious that your husband does not want to change or seek real help. I apologize for my previous comments now that I know more about him.

  2. rgonaut November 28, 2012 at 11:28 pm #

    I think you know you have made the right choice. Why? Because you now feel peace in your heart. You can feel the future will be better. You can breathe. That is the kind of choice that’s nice to have made and put behind you! I know you will succeed!!

    • beautifulmess7 November 28, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

      That is very, very true. I was in such turmoil before. I was constantly struggling with myself, with my heart, with my mind, with the lies, with the future. Now all of that internal fighting is gone. I really appreciate your support and vote of confidence.

  3. journeyman1977 November 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    Ariella’s right on all counts. There’s a world out there just waiting for you. You need to just look ahead.

  4. Ariella November 27, 2012 at 10:06 am #

    Wow, I really have missed out on so much! You know, I forgot the age difference you and Mr. Mess share. I can guarantee you that he will not be able to receive alimony, so truly that should not even be a thought in your head.

    I really want to tell you that I think you are making the right decision. I am not saying that this maks divorce any easier emotionally, but the fact that you two do not have children will make the process much easier. The truth is, you are not tied to this man whatsoever. I envy you!

    I will say that I did not like what you said about you making the wrong decision about tying yourself to Mr. Mess for life. I am a fond believer that everything happens for a reason, and although this sucks I truly believe this had made you a much stronger person! Sometimes I regret decisions I have made in life, but if certain things didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have the things I do today. Do you know how many times I have screamed why did I ever meet John? But the truth is, if there was no John, I wouldn’t have my little man and I can’t imagine my life without him.

    I think wonderful things are going to happen in your future! You are taking the steps to finally regain your life and happiness! 🙂

    • beautifulmess7 November 27, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

      That is so true. Thank you for that perspective!

  5. workspousestory November 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    It sounds like you have thought this through and – as much as possible – are at peace with this decision. That is very good to hear. hugs and kisses xxx

  6. Hope November 24, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

    Hey Beautiful Mess,

    Just a little about the divorce –

    a) Before you or your attorney file papers or before you contact an attorney, do a search on Google – How to prepare for divorce financially. Because once you file the divorce paper, certain rules may commence.

    b) Interview the attorney first before you hire. Have a couple referrals. Some attorneys are mediators while others are sharks. Ask them for an estimate for the whole proceeding. Make sure you need to provide consent for any additional charges or if the case needs to go to court. Make sure they wouldn’t prolong any unnecessary process just so they can make more money from you.

    c) Alternatively, you could file papers yourself. Grab the forms from the State’s website and get yourself a Nolo’s book on divorce. Educate yourself. It’s really not that difficult to do.

    d) Even if you think your husband wouldn’t last if he chose to fight (if it’s a contested divorce), do not underestimate him. Most likely, if he hires a lawyer, he will listen to his lawyer and his lawyer may become the driving force.

    e) Consider getting the car situation settled. In some states, if the car is purchased during marriage, then it becomes debt for each party. Look into whether your husband has secret accounts. Assets usually need to be accountable for in the divorce papers. Again, consider speaking to your attorney or conducting your own research on this.

    f) Regarding alimony, because you are making more than him, he may ask for it. In some states, the spouse may have to support the other person for half of the duration of the marriage. Other factors may come into play such as lifestyle, savings, etc. You could easier read up on it. There are also online calculators. Consider asking an attorney.

    g) Cheating – In some states, cheating is a factor in dissolution. Again, please consider reading up on this.

    You are so very young – You will be just fine!

  7. Rollercoasterider November 24, 2012 at 5:24 pm #

    Oh Sweetie,
    I am so sorry that it has come to this…and yet as I have been reading you these months I saw it coming to this. I am saddened by any divorce regardless of whether it is necessary or not…and this is necessary. You have earned your way out of your marriage and for that, please give yourself credit.
    So protect yourself. Could he lie and say he stayed overnight one night or that you had sex–setting back the 6-month clock?
    Take time to heal. There is no need to rush into dating–and there is a need for you to hold back and enter that world gradually when you do re-enter.
    Keep up with your counseling.
    You seem to have yourself so together, and yet I wonder what attracted you to someone with so dysfunctional and broken. I imagine he is quite charming–as narcissists can be, but even so were there red flags early on? Maybe there were pink flags–a bit more subtle. You may or may not have trust issues stemming from this relationships, but I want to assure you: he is not like most men. Sure, men and women make mistakes–and sometimes those mistakes are big like infidelity–but not everyone making those big mistakes is a serial cheater-sex-addict-narcissist. You’re going to meet people whoa re flawed (DUH!). You may need to learn to trust while accepting normal flaws.

    This decision has lifted a big weight from your shoulders, hasn’t it? I imagine that is why you are feeling peace now. You did the work and now you have accepted the situation and that you must deal with what you can control and release him. I wish others were like you. You didn’t discard your marriage when or because it got tough, you continued to love and work toward recovery and that is honorable.

    HUGS

    • beautifulmess7 November 28, 2012 at 11:09 pm #

      As always, I appreciate your feedback.

      “Could he lie and say he stayed overnight one night or that you had sex–setting back the 6-month clock?” I don’t really know how to answer that. I suppose he COULD lie, but what happens in a “his word against her word” situation like this? I have my blog and my journals to document when he left, and he has not spent one night (or even much over one hour) in my house since then. We definitely have not engaged in sex or even flirting. The one “date” he arranged was a disaster.

      As for this – “not everyone making those big mistakes is a serial cheater-sex-addict-narcissist.” AMEN!!!! That’s what I need to get out of my life. I have never (and will never) expect perfection in a mate. In fact, sometimes a person’s flaws can be part of what makes them so attractive and loveable. I appreciate uniqueness, and can accept and overlook many things when I am in love. I just now know what NOT to accept. Lying, narcissistic behavior, irresponsibility to the extreme, a bad history (of drugs, poor decisions, immature friends, excessive porn, etc.), or a general lack of motivation and drive will send me running in the other direction.

      And you are very right about the relief, too. It is like I can suddently breathe again. I also know that I gave my all and then some to this marriage. I did everything I could. It still didn’t work. That happens. Sometimes things just aren’t a good fit.

  8. Roxanne November 24, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    I’ve spoken to you about my journey to freedom. It hasn’t been an easy road, and some days are better than others. I don’t know you personally, but our relationships have been so very similar. My new life began 10 weeks ago when I moved out and tried to not look back. I am happy to say that I just bought myself a house and will be moving in a month. I feel like this was the last missing piece in my puzzle needed to restore my life back to what it was before my relationship. I’ve regained my independence. I’m on the road to having stability. Like you, I felt like a failure. But I have come to realize that he failed me and not the other way around. The phrase I’ve used in regards to my relationship is, “I gave him my heart. He gave me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.” Meaning…I gave everything…and he gave me the bare minimum. Like you, I tried. I believed. I hoped. But sometimes you just have to face the facts and tell yourself you that you can’t make someone turn into the fairy tale prince you’d like them to be. You can keep kissing the frog, but you can only be upset at yourself when the frog stays a frog.

    In regards to the car situation, I’d try to get that straightened out as soon as you can. You have to remember that the husband you loved has been replaced by this irrational stranger. He’s hurt and is going to lash out any way that he can. My ex is the one who left me after repeatedly cheating, etc., etc., but I could tell you so many ridiculous stories about things he’s done since I left to try and hurt me. I’m guessing it’s a control thing. These men hate to see us regain our independence and stand up taller on our own two feet than we ever did before. I know I was a good partner. Did I make mistakes? Sure. But I tried. You tried. As everyone has told me, don’t look back. Things might get a little worse before they get better but you’re going to come out alright in the end.

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

      You’re awesome! Good for you! I know there are more hard truths I have to accept. I really made sue he knew yesterday that he needs to do something as soon as possible. We’ll see what happens. I know it’s ridiculous to hope he will do the right thing, but for some reason I keep doing it.

  9. huperecho: to rise above November 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

    Beautiful, you were one of the first people that I met here on the blogs and your story was so inspiring and gave me hope for my own marriage. Although I am saddened that you are seeking the possibility of divorce I am so happy to see you overcoming your circumstances and not letting them overcome you. I hope and pray that Mr Mess will find his way out of the hole he has dug and experience freedom in his life from his addictions and the lying. I believe it’s possible because I am watching my “liar” now paranoid when I ask a question and he thinks I think he’s lying. Funny thing is I haven’t thought he was but it brings me joy that he worries about it now. Before he didn’t give a flying leap. But like you should this all fall apart on me in the future, I know that I will also be an overcomer!! Blessings!

    • beautifulmess7 November 28, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

      I’m so happy for you. It’s great to see that some people who are truly committed to their marriage and their own recovery can get better. It also reaffirms that this was the right decision for me to make. He didn’t stop lying. He didn’t put his all into recovery. Walking away was the best gift I could have given myself.

  10. Eric November 24, 2012 at 11:33 am #

    Beautiful,

    I feel like the statement “Good morning Ms. Beautiful Giant. How would you like your breakfast?” is in order.

    I’m sorry you had to go through all this. Congratulations on growing from it.

    Eric

  11. Samantha Baker November 24, 2012 at 7:00 am #

    When I was looking into divorce and alimony I found that I had to be married for 10 years. You’re safe hon!

    I can’t believe he said that. Wait…no I can. Mr. Baker and I were talking abotu the car the other night and if he’d use that to try and screw up your credit.

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 8:09 am #

      That is something that I’m DEFINITELY worried about! I’m keeping a sharp eye on those payments and if one doesn’t get made it will be repo session time (depending on what my lawyer says).

      • Samantha Baker November 24, 2012 at 8:10 am #

        Sadly I wouldn’t put it past him just to try and screw you (in yet one more way) *sigh*

        • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 8:44 am #

          I know… I’m hoping he won’t be like that but I don’t know. There are also the two remaining bills we are intertwined on – car insurance and cell phone. Finally, there are the taxes for 2012 to figure out. All in all, that’s not too bad.

  12. leanne356 November 24, 2012 at 5:29 am #

    I think you are an incredible person who has handled this entire mess with integrity, compassion and a genuine desire to work together and resolve the individual issues and joint issues. All have been to no avail regarding the marraige. Yet has been extremely worthwhile for your own self growth. The knowing that you have done everything possible from your end has
    brought you through this self healing and awareness journey. Hopefully this is allowing you to have come to the conclusion of divorce, with a clear conscience which in turn provides peace of mind.

    The coming months will inevitably be difficult in a different way. But I have no doubt that after all you have come through, you will be able to weather this storm.

    I wish you all the best for the future, with your positive, can do attitude, I’m certain it will all work out better than you ever thought.

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 8:07 am #

      Thank you soooo much! That is absolutely true. I’m trying to be positive and be hopeful for my future. This is the end of something but its also the beginning of something else.

  13. Katerina November 24, 2012 at 12:51 am #

    It’s good you found out early in your marriage and not 20 years later like others.

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 8:05 am #

      Yeah. That does make me very lucky. It’s good to look at the positive side of things.

  14. Our Journey After His Affair November 24, 2012 at 12:46 am #

    My best friend in Roanoke is in the process of divorcing….she’s in the separation state. She has kept me well knowledgeable about the process, even sent me legal paperwork. It is a pain in the ass and a long and drawn out process, but it will be worth it in the end. And another person I know (in TN) just divorced his wife who has disabilities and he has paid for everything in her life (for nearly 30 years) including her $$$$ in medicines. She went for alimony and they denied it. I hear it is VERY difficult to acquire. Good luck to Mr. Mess with that.

    I feel confident that your age and not having kids will be VERY beneficial to you.

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 8:04 am #

      Thanks for the the reassurance! The support I get here is amazing

  15. Melanie November 24, 2012 at 12:31 am #

    Hey…this is Melanie again. Didn’t mean to post here with all my personal info last time.

    Anyway…if you are in Northern Virginia, would you mind passing along a rec if you find a good attorney? I was thinking we’d file in Maryland, but Virginia has that 6-months-if-no-kids thing, and I am strongly considering that (since I live there now).

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 8:03 am #

      I am in central Virginia, but I recommend you check online, read reviews, and get referrals from people you know if you can. Also, there is no need to apologize for anything. This is s safe and open place for anyone to talk about whatever they need to.

      • Melanie November 24, 2012 at 7:54 pm #

        Thanks!

  16. blogventer November 23, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    I am so happy for you: it is so wonderful that you are at peace! (Someday I will get there, too.) And, after spending yesterday reading many of your posts, I really agree with you. You have moved Heaven and Earth to try to make this marriage work, but the bottom line is that he’s not committed and he has problems (a) that you absolutely can’t overlook and (b) that he will probably never be cured of. He is who he is, and you need to take care of YOU!

    That said, have you considered hiring an attorney?

    • beautifulmess7 November 23, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

      I am already in the interviewing/ consulting process. I want to make sure that I find the right person with my interests at heart. Also, the more people I consult with the fewer options he will have.

      My Step-Dad did point out that Mr. Mess is one to give up when things get hard. He doesn’t see him being prepared for or able to handle a lengthy process or a big battle. Still, I want to protect myself.

      And yes, I have done everything I can possibly think of to save this marriage. I had to admit defeat. Your two points are spot on. He has serious issues that I can’t overlook, that he will probably never get rid of, and that I can’t do a damn thing about.

  17. wallybear12 November 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm #

    I was wondering after you decide this does all the “crap” from the affair go away?
    The obsessive thoughts that kind of stuff?

    • beautifulmess7 November 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm #

      They are gone for me. I just feel peace. This deep, amazing feeling of serenity. None of that mess matters right now.

      Do I still have some residual trust issues? Sure. I would be lying if I said I can dive right in to trusting someone completely immediately. However, I don’t think about any of the past stuff obsessively at all. In fact, I don’t think of it in the slightest.

      • wallybear12 November 23, 2012 at 9:13 pm #

        The last two years feels like a huge weight on my shoulders and heart.
        I went from first hus denial, half truths, finally some truths when I confronted him with the evidence…

        But I feel sucked into a life that’s all about him….

        I just want to wake up and feel peace
        Not a drug the doctor wants to give me to mask the pain
        I need to get my life back

        • beautifulmess7 November 23, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

          I know the feeling. Only you know what’s best for you. There just came a moment for me when I knew for sure that no amount of work or therapy or anything could make this something worthwhile and meaningful. Sure, maybe I could have continued barely hanging on by my fingertips, but I didn’t want that anymore.

          • wallybear12 November 23, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

            You give me hope….

            • beautifulmess7 November 23, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

              You will be okay. No matter what path you take, you will be able to be happy again if you listen to your heart.

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