I have come to the conclusion that my marriage is really not going to work. Mr. Mess is so immature, irresponsible, damaged, and emotionally stunted that I can’t wait for him to get himself together. That may never happen. Even if it did, I think my ability to trust him has been damaged so much that it is completely beyond repair. I need to move forward to something and someone that is healthy, together, and right for me.
In order to do that I have to do something that I never, ever thought I would do – get a divorce. I have to wrap my head around the fact that I have given my all and it still wasn’t enough. I have to accept that this marriage failed. I never wanted that to happen. I don’t like failing in anything, especially something that I find as important as marriage. I have to accept the fact that I made the wrong decision when I tied myself to this man “for life.” He wasn’t the one for me. Maybe there isn’t a “one.”
I don’t like to admit those things. I didn’t want to accept them. This marriage has just reached its inevitable conclusion. There’s nothing left. He has nothing for me. Even if he wanted to (which he has made clear that he doesn’t), any effort on his part to actually be my husband would be far too little, far too late. No STD testing? It’s his problem if he has a serious illness or contracts one in the future, for that matter. No psychiatric examination? He’s the one who has to deal with his bipolar, narcissistic personality, ADHD self, not me. Hallelujah!
Now that I have closure and peace about the fact that there is really nothing more I can do and there is nothing he has to offer me, I have set my eyes on the process of divorcing in Virginia. I’ve found a few things that are good to know and that put my mind at ease a bit. Like I thought, we still have to be separated for 6 months. That means I won’t be free until April at the earliest. That’s okay, though… I can make it.
Some other stuff that I’ve discovered:
The Commonwealth of Virginia has a “no fault” divorce known as voluntary separation. It usually means that you and your spouse have separated after mutually and voluntarily agreeing that you no longer wish to live together as husband and wife and that there is no hope for a reconciliation. Your spouse cannot threaten or blackmail you into leaving; you separate because you both want to. To get a divorce on this ground you have to be separated without interruption (not even one night) without cohabitation (not a single incident of sexual intercourse) for one year (six months if no children) and there is no hope of reconciliation. Remember though, if this is not a mutual and voluntary situation you will have to use another ground to get a divorce.
The portions in red above were from the site I copied this from; however I would like to point out that none of those items are of any concern to me whatsoever. He will not be here one more night, there is absolutely no chance of any sexual intercourse, and there certainly is no more hope of reconciliation. Having the closure in my heart to be able to say those things with certainty is great.
Another thing that my step-Dad mentioned to me is the possibility that he could seek alimony from me since he basically has no career and no prospects and no savings whatsoever. I’m not a millionaire by any stretch of the imagination, but I am financially secure with a good job. To ease my mind a bit I found this:
What are the Requirements for Spousal Support?
The rules regarding spousal support are often classified based on the length of marriage.
- The court assumes that you have kept the same ability to support yourself that you had before marriage.
- Each spouse is expected to be substantially independent and self-supporting within a short period of time.
According to what I can find, a short marriage is anything lasting 5 years or less. Our marriage only lasted 2 years. Our entire relationship was just shy of 5. No matter which way you look at it, the courts should expect him to take care of himself. The fact that I’m 20 years younger than him should also help my chances of not having to support his lazy ass.
If I sound bitter it’s because he came by today to pick up his beloved darts (which were worth breaking into my house for, you know) and said that he may try to seek alimony. Really?! I shouldn’t be shocked by his behavior, but nevertheless his level of shamelessness is astounding.
He also said that he wants me to buy him a new bed because the one he told me he didn’t want anymore that I could do anything I wanted with was taken to the dump by my Dad. I didn’t know he was going to do that – I thought he would store it – but he dumped it while I was gone in Atlanta. According to my Dad it was after he talked to Mr. Mess, who didn’t seem to express an interest in coming to get it. I offered the one I have to replace it (which is the same size and a better quality bed), but he said he didn’t want it. Okay…
The main thing that I’m concerned with at the moment is the car that he’s driving, which is in my name. Mr. Mess will spout some garbage that it’s because I’m controlling and have to have everything in my name (which is what he said today). Whatever. He seems to have selective memory since he couldn’t get a loan in his name. Not only is his credit rating terrible, but he also has past-due collections outstanding and a lop-sided income to debt ratio because of his student loans.
He has tried to get a loan in his name for the car like 3 times already, and keeps getting denied. I told him today that he really needs to get that taken care of as soon as possible – either sell the car to pay it off or find a way to assume the loan, maybe with a family member as the co-signer. His extremely helpful reply (sarcasm) was that he is “working on it.” Forgive me if I’m not overflowing with confidence.
Oh well. Things will work out one way or another, and I will be better for having him out of my life. I will miss some of his family, like his sister who got in touch with me yesterday. There is no rule saying we can’t still be friends, which is what I plan. I also plan to be happy. He can’t stand in my way. As much as he is trying his damnest to bring me down, it’s not going to happen. I’m holding onto the knowledge that I gained in Atlanta where I met amazing people with a lot going for them who liked me for me. I have a lot to offer the world, and it has a lot to offer me back.