In A Bad Mood

24 Nov

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Today I’m feeling bitchy. Royally bitchy. I don’t have any one particular reason to be, except maybe “that time of the month.” It’s so cliche, though, and generally I’m not like that. For the most part I don’t get wild emotional swings or any of that other bullshit. So that probably means it’s something more.

So what? First of all, I talked to a sweet, beautiful (seriously, model stunning) woman this morning at S-Anon whose husband has been lying and cheating on her with strippers and prostitutes. He seems like a good, normal guy. He is smart, successful, handsome, a doctor even!  She is gorgeous, skinny, blonde, and a super Mom.  From the outside looking in they have everything and then some. But she is crushed and demoralized and angry and confused and hopeless because of what he is putting her through.

This morning as I sat and talked to her, watched her cry and gave her a big hug, an intense anger welled up inside me.  I understand that sex addiction doesn’t depend on the partner, but for someone to cheat on HER?!  It made me feel like there is no hope that anybody is safe.  It made me wonder how I can ever expect to have a faithful partner.

I realize the pessimistic, self-defeating nature of that thought.  I do know that I am worthwhile and special.  I intellectually understand that there are plenty of people out there who would love to have a woman like me in their lives.  I just don’t know how to accept that deep inside my soul.

On top of that, I went shopping after the meeting and had to lug a 50 pound bag of dog food inside.  In heels (because I had to look cute).  Then I tried to make lunch and do dishes only to find that my sink is clogged up.  I have a drain snake that my grandma gave me that I then taught myself how to use.  Twenty or so minutes later I had unclogged the sink but was covered elbow deep in water and who knows what else.

I could have called my Dad to help with any of it.  He lives just next door and would have been more than happy to assist me.  I can’t keep relying on other people to do the things that are my responsibility.  I relied on my husband to do stuff like that, and look where that left me.  Five years later I have a house full of unfinished projects he said he would handle and a heart full of anger.

Or maybe I’m going about things all wrong.  Maybe I should have called my Dad.  Maybe I should start getting used to relying on someone who is actually reliable.  I can’t decide if this is my time to be strong and capable and independent or my time to be weak and fragile and vulnerable.  Frankly, neither option sounds great, but they both sound wonderful.  I think I need to find the right mix of them both.

I know that probably makes absolutely no sense.  Let me see if I can explain.  On one hand I am realizing that I put far too much stock in other people – what they think, what they do, what they don’t do, how they treat me.  I give my power away too easily.  I have only been single about 60 or so days total since I was 15.  That’s crazy, right?  I’m like that girl in How I Met Your Mother that Ted has an old lady watch to see when she breaks up with her current long-term boyfriend.  I don’t stay on the market long.

Maybe that should make me feel good about myself because people are obviously attracted to me.  It proves that I’m a dedicated partner who puts her all into things.  However, it also means that I’m not sure who I am outside of a relationship.  Additionally, I don’t have such a great batting average when it comes to choosing partners.  Both long-term relationships I have had were with people with addictions of some kind and a pretty shitty family history (abuse, drugs, bad parenting, you name it).  I’m definitely a rescuer, and it hasn’t worked out very well for me.  So maybe its time for me to do things on my own.

On the other hand, isolating myself and dealing with things “on my own” also hasn’t worked out so well, either.  I went through years of being cheated on and lied to without a support network because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems.  I thought I could handle it.  I didn’t want to show weakness.  That led to more pain and heartache.  The time I wasted trying to be self-sufficient only hurt me.

Since the bad start I had to this day I have watched some Grey’s Anatomy, snuggled up on the couch with my dogs, and had 2 glasses of wine.  I’m feeling much happier, and I know there is a lot waiting for me in the future.  I just have to take a deep breath, be patient, and take things one day at a time.  The Christmas picture above is a reminder that the holiday I love is just around the corner and there is still music in my soul.

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15 Responses to “In A Bad Mood”

  1. journeyman1977 November 24, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

    Be strong and capable and independent….time on your own helps you rediscover yourself and things you didn’t know about you 🙂 don’t be too hasty to get into another relationship. Keep yourself on the market and enjoy it for a while 🙂

  2. Roxanne November 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    This is the first time I’ve been single in 12 years, so I hear ya on the being alone part. But I honestly think that for me, the fear of being alone was worse than the reality. When you’re so beaten down in a relationship, it’s hard to go much lower, you know? It’s cliche to say, but I’m trying to date myself right now….figure out what I want…who I want to be with. I want to get my life together so that when I do meet a non-broken man who doesn’t cheat, I’ll be ready to be in a relationship with him.

    I recently wrote a post about accepting help. I think it’s important to learn who you can trust and rely on. I know I’m not superwoman and can’t do everything myself (which I think is a good sign of codependency recovery) and I’m learning to be more comfortable with asking people to help me when I need it. The people who truly care about you would love to help you, I’m sure. Not everyone has an ulterior motive. I know I’d become conditioned to think that if I asked for help, I was never going to get it. Or…I’d have to do something I didn’t want to do in return…or that I’d look weak. But I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have survived the first month on my own without knowing when to say when and ask for a little help. I hope you’re able to do that, too. This is a really rough thing you’re going through T

    • Roxanne November 24, 2012 at 6:57 pm #

      Got cut off…whoops…but the last thing I was going to say is that what you’re going through is rough and no one expects you to go through this alone. Ask for help and support when you need it.

      • dingdongitsmrwrong November 29, 2012 at 9:33 am #

        Hi Roxanne. Asking for help is so important. Often we feel so alone but actually there’s a whole community on here with people sharing their experiences and voicing their journeys. Me included. It’s so healing to own our “shit” and empowering to share. I have been so inspired since I started writing my book Mr Wrong and reading the stories of so many other women. There is light at the end of the tunnel but first we need to find the light again within ourselves. If you have any stories/experiences you want to share please see my site or email me at dingdongitsmrwrong@yahoo.co.uk

        http://dingdongitsmrwrong.wordpress.com/about/

    • beautifulmess7 November 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

      “I know I’m not superwoman and can’t do everything myself.” I have finally reached that realization, too. I can’t do everything myself. I do need people, even though I hate admitting it and hate the word “need” even more. It’s true, though… Life is better and more fulfilling when you let people in. I just put my trust in the wrong person. I’ve learned from it. I’ve gotten stronger because of it. And now I am learning how to trust the right people.

  3. dingdongitsmrwrong November 24, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    Hey, an interesting read. Thank you. It’s sad your friend is being cheated on. Cheating one if those things that would be a deal breaker for me but I guess we can never truly know what goes on in someone else’s relationship. I use to be a “fixer” too. Friends and relationships. Certainly in relationships it didn’t do me any good. So easy to become the brunt of all their frustration and anger that you cannot fix them and if course we shouldn’t; it takes away their responsibility, accountability and part to play on their own self growth. There won’t be any thanks for it but as women its second nature to tend to want to live and nurture. I decided a while ago I wanted a man, an equal relationship as opposed to someone I would end up mothering. After all, we would never push a caterpiller out if its cacoon before it was truly ready. It would probably be really pissed off. So I stopped and have never Bern happier!

    I am writing a book called Mr Wrong (please see my blog for excerpts and info-have a good look around) I am looking for women to share their stories/experiences with “Mr Wrong” so that we can inspire, unite and empower. Are you interested in contributing? 🙂

    • dingdongitsmrwrong November 24, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

      I would love to hear your stories

    • beautifulmess7 November 28, 2012 at 10:56 pm #

      I could certainly contribute. I love writing, and I certainly did marry Mr. Wrong. Definitely! Just let me know what you’re looking for.

      As for the “fixer-uppers” – I agree. I’m done with that. Your statement rang very true to me – “it takes away their responsibility, accountability and part to play on their own self growth.” I will always be a work in progress for as long as I’m alive. I can’t ask a man to be perfect or have everything all figured out, but I can ask that he be stable, healthy, constantly pushing himself to grow, and willing to be responsible and accountable for his own actions.

      I guess every failed relationship gets us that much closer to the one that will be right.

  4. Hope November 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

    There are plenty of good men out there. Take care of yourself and have boundaries for new men. In the meantime, enjoy being single!

    • beautifulmess7 November 28, 2012 at 10:47 pm #

      I am starting to realize that. My experience with this fucked up person isn’t all that I can expect from a relationship. Other women who have dealt with the same thing aren’t the norm, although there are more of us than I wish there were. Good men DO exist. There are people who don’t need “fixing.” Now that I’m stronger and more confident and sure of who I am and what I deserve, suddenly I can see them.

      • Hope November 30, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

        I think there are a lot of men who do not cheat. Some may be imperfect but minor compare to trust, cheating and sex addiction issues. 🙂

  5. Samantha Baker November 24, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Wine and Grey’s. My kind of day.

    I hate that this is such an integral part of us now. I haven’t accepted it yet.

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

      Yeah, its nice. I love Grey’s. And I have some really good wine. I do hate how much I have internalized his addiction.

  6. Our Journey After His Affair November 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    You and I sound a lot alike, except for the dating thing. I always had at least two relationships going at a time, that way if one of them dumped me, I’d have another there to keep me from feeling abandoned and hurt. It was my way of keeping breakups from being painful. Absolutely crazy, I know. I changed all of that with Mike. I actually HAVE been completely faithful and loyal to him.

    But one thing I have contemplated is what life would be like for me if I did become single again now that I have learned to take care of myself first. I think that it would be a good idea to have fun and date with no commitments. Just enjoy fun times with good people. I know that I would avoid picking the same kind of men that I’ve always picked: the ones I feel I could “rescue” and fix. My fixer-uppers!

    It’s all too exhausting. You need someone who compliments your personality and doesn’t need you to make them better. They are better because they have you and vice versa.

    Know what I mean?

    • beautifulmess7 November 24, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

      Yeah, it would be great to find someone with their own shit together. Someone with something really solid to offer me. I am gun shy of making a big commitment again too soon. I definitely know what I’m looking for now at least.

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