Today I’m feeling bitchy. Royally bitchy. I don’t have any one particular reason to be, except maybe “that time of the month.” It’s so cliche, though, and generally I’m not like that. For the most part I don’t get wild emotional swings or any of that other bullshit. So that probably means it’s something more.
So what? First of all, I talked to a sweet, beautiful (seriously, model stunning) woman this morning at S-Anon whose husband has been lying and cheating on her with strippers and prostitutes. He seems like a good, normal guy. He is smart, successful, handsome, a doctor even! She is gorgeous, skinny, blonde, and a super Mom. From the outside looking in they have everything and then some. But she is crushed and demoralized and angry and confused and hopeless because of what he is putting her through.
This morning as I sat and talked to her, watched her cry and gave her a big hug, an intense anger welled up inside me. I understand that sex addiction doesn’t depend on the partner, but for someone to cheat on HER?! It made me feel like there is no hope that anybody is safe. It made me wonder how I can ever expect to have a faithful partner.
I realize the pessimistic, self-defeating nature of that thought. I do know that I am worthwhile and special. I intellectually understand that there are plenty of people out there who would love to have a woman like me in their lives. I just don’t know how to accept that deep inside my soul.
On top of that, I went shopping after the meeting and had to lug a 50 pound bag of dog food inside. In heels (because I had to look cute). Then I tried to make lunch and do dishes only to find that my sink is clogged up. I have a drain snake that my grandma gave me that I then taught myself how to use. Twenty or so minutes later I had unclogged the sink but was covered elbow deep in water and who knows what else.
I could have called my Dad to help with any of it. He lives just next door and would have been more than happy to assist me. I can’t keep relying on other people to do the things that are my responsibility. I relied on my husband to do stuff like that, and look where that left me. Five years later I have a house full of unfinished projects he said he would handle and a heart full of anger.
Or maybe I’m going about things all wrong. Maybe I should have called my Dad. Maybe I should start getting used to relying on someone who is actually reliable. I can’t decide if this is my time to be strong and capable and independent or my time to be weak and fragile and vulnerable. Frankly, neither option sounds great, but they both sound wonderful. I think I need to find the right mix of them both.
I know that probably makes absolutely no sense. Let me see if I can explain. On one hand I am realizing that I put far too much stock in other people – what they think, what they do, what they don’t do, how they treat me. I give my power away too easily. I have only been single about 60 or so days total since I was 15. That’s crazy, right? I’m like that girl in How I Met Your Mother that Ted has an old lady watch to see when she breaks up with her current long-term boyfriend. I don’t stay on the market long.
Maybe that should make me feel good about myself because people are obviously attracted to me. It proves that I’m a dedicated partner who puts her all into things. However, it also means that I’m not sure who I am outside of a relationship. Additionally, I don’t have such a great batting average when it comes to choosing partners. Both long-term relationships I have had were with people with addictions of some kind and a pretty shitty family history (abuse, drugs, bad parenting, you name it). I’m definitely a rescuer, and it hasn’t worked out very well for me. So maybe its time for me to do things on my own.
On the other hand, isolating myself and dealing with things “on my own” also hasn’t worked out so well, either. I went through years of being cheated on and lied to without a support network because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. I thought I could handle it. I didn’t want to show weakness. That led to more pain and heartache. The time I wasted trying to be self-sufficient only hurt me.
Since the bad start I had to this day I have watched some Grey’s Anatomy, snuggled up on the couch with my dogs, and had 2 glasses of wine. I’m feeling much happier, and I know there is a lot waiting for me in the future. I just have to take a deep breath, be patient, and take things one day at a time. The Christmas picture above is a reminder that the holiday I love is just around the corner and there is still music in my soul.