You Won’t Find This

30 Dec

In the last week or so since my last post I have been really enjoying my family and having a spectacular holiday.  I truly can’t remember one in recent history that has been so nice.  For the first time ever my grandma on my Dad’s side celebrated Christmas on a day other than Christmas Eve.  We all gathered down there on Sunday.  I got to see my cousin who I haven’t seen in years and catch up with my Dad’s brothers.  It was nice to watch football, drink beer, and talk about silly things.  I laughed a lot and was glad to interact with my younger cousins who I usually only get to see on Facebook (and boy do they love it).

On Christmas Eve I spent time with my Mom’s Mom, who taught me how to knit.  I went to a candlelight Christmas Eve service at my Mom’s church that was surprisingly wonderful – full of Christmas carols, family, and joy.  Then I had dinner, watched my step-sisters and niece and nephew open presents, and hung out with my step-Dad’s side of the family.  It was great to see the excitement on the faces of the two kids.  There was Christmas music playing in the background, presents everywhere, beautiful lights, and a real sense of happiness and family in the air.

candles

There was some sad news, too.  My grandfather, Pa, who I wrote about here and here, was my Mom’s step-Dad.  Her father died when she was 16, and he was the only grandfather I ever knew on that side.  His son, who is named after him, owns homes in Georgia and Florida.  I wasn’t very close to him growing up, but when my grandfather got sick, he and his wife moved up to this area.  I really, really like him.  He is a pilot, just like Pa was.  Right before Pa died his son took him up in his helicopter.  Having his son around made my Grandpa so happy, and they became quite close with the rest of us as well.

His wife, my aunt, was a very sweet woman.  She had lung cancer a few years back, and they thought it had been cured.  Shortly after Pa died they discovered that it had moved to her brain.  They moved back to Georgia where some of her family and her doctors were.  My Grandma talked to her all the time.  She even offered to have them both come stay with her when my aunt’s brain cancer got so advanced that she was starting to get disoriented and confused.  On Christmas Eve we got a call that she had passed away that morning.  It was very hard for my Grandma to deal with.  We found out right before the candlelight service, which made that service even more emotional.

Despite that loss, or maybe because of it, sharing Christmas with my family was very sweet.  I savored the moments – really soaked them in.  I also didn’t have the constant pain and hurt and fear hanging over my head from my ex.  It was just the pure, simple pleasure of being with people that you love completely who love you the same in return.  I spent the night at my Mom’s house on Christmas Eve.  On Christmas morning my brother, Grandma, sister and her boyfriend all came over, too.  We watched Christmas movies, had brunch, opened gifts, talked, laughed, and had a ball.

Afterwards my brother and step-Dad came back to my house and put together my brand new, amazing bed frame for me.  It was nice to hear them connecting and bonding over building that bed for me.  It is gorgeous – hand-welded metal, heavy-duty, intricate iron work – my dream bed.  It’s even better to get rid of a bed frame that I hated anyway and shared with both Mr. Mess and my previous partner.

My new bed

My new bed

I have also begun wrapping things up in other areas, too.  Slowly but surely Mr. Mess and I are unravelling all of the loose ends still left.  I have gotten rid of the car he had that was in my name.  I had to take a loss, but he’s going to let me keep the tax refund to help cover it.  He’s also supposed to be off of my car insurance, although that didn’t actually happen.  Instead, when I checked yesterday not only was he still on there, but so was his new car.  Huh?

I texted him to let him know and find out what was going on.  He said that he got a new card and it doesn’t have my name on it, so he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.  I checked online and called – both places show him on my account as well as his new car.  I took the extra car off yesterday by phone and told him to check his insurance because if he doesn’t have his own policy then he no longer has car insurance.  During the course of that conversation he said something like, “if you think I want to have anything to do with you then you are crazy.”  Ummm… okay.  I was just trying to let him know to be nice.  Guess I should have just cancelled it and let him get in trouble with the DMV or cops.

That comment got me thinking, though.  His actions have left him in a place where he lost something that he will never find again.  My family is wonderful.  We are close, we spend time together, we do everything we can for our own.  He was one of us.  Now he has lost an entire extended family – grandparents and parents (which he doesn’t have anymore), brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins.  He has some of those things, but they hardly ever see each other.

Not only that, but he will never find another woman like me.  I know that sounds vain, but it’s honestly true.  I’m educated, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded, accomplished, sweet, giving, beautiful, sexual, young, vibrant, and well-spoken.  I gave him more acceptance and love and forgiveness than he can hope to get from another person ever again.  I gave him everything I had and then some.  He used me and lied to me and took that all for granted.  And now I’m the crazy one?  It’s laughable and sad at the same time.

This song came to mind yesterday, and it’s still with me.  He won’t find what he had with me.  He won’t find the things that he threw away.  He might not be single forever, but he won’t find this.

Did you check the tires
Put gas in the car
Don’t think you need too much,
’cause you ain’t gonna get that far
Did you pack the good times
Don’t forget a map
Just in case the route you take isn’t there to take you back

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
When you’re lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
 In the end, close is all there is
But you won’t find this
No, you won’t find this

There’s once in a lifetime
And there’s once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
When you’re lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
 In the end, close is all there is
But you won’t find this

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
Find what I already know
In the end, close is all there is
Oh, in the end it’s me you’re going to miss
‘Cause you won’t find this
Oh, you won’t find this

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8 Responses to “You Won’t Find This”

  1. Rollercoasterider December 30, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

    “I’m educated, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded, accomplished, sweet, giving, beautiful, sexual, young, vibrant, and well-spoken. I gave him more acceptance and love and forgiveness than he can hope to get from another person ever again.”
    Please do not ever forget any of that about you. You are still giving him acceptance and forgiveness and even love–as agape. Because you have an empathy for what he has lost and how that loss was something he had not had before…and that latter part is most especially sad.
    HUGS to you!
    RCR

    • beautifulmess7 December 30, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

      Thank you. I really am trying. I want good things for him. I hope that he can get himself together. I truly do think that he tossed aside something more worthwhile than he understands. That makes me sad for him. I do have a lot of empathy for him. I don’t think he is an evil person, just a very damaged one.

      I read another post today that made me think of him – http://vwoopvwoop.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/electra-heart/. She talks about her lying, and one line really stood out. She said, “Little children lie to avoid getting in trouble, and that’s probably the simplified version of what I have done as an adult. Instead of fearing punishment however, it’s fearing being outed as the person I truly am, because I have always felt so deeply flawed and wrong that I imagined no one could love me if they knew who I really was.”

      I’m about 99.9% certain that is the same issue that Mr. Mess struggled with. He lied constantly, but mostly from a sense of fear, I think. Fear of revealing his true self, fear of not having control, fear of not being loved, fear of who knows what.

      The very, very sad part is that I could handle just about any truth he sent my way if he was willing to be honest and work on his issues (because we all have them). I could have helped him, reassured him, given him true acceptance and support. He didn’t let me. Instead, he drove me away with his lies. He kept me at a distance and threw my love and respect and honesty in my face time and time again. Eventually it just became too much.

  2. Stacia December 30, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

    Happy New Year to you, friend and YES!!! the new year is going to bring some happy times for us all 😉 LOVE the new bed!

  3. writerlyone December 30, 2012 at 5:12 pm #

    What a lovely post. Glad you had a great holiday. Amazing what letting go can do!

    • beautifulmess7 December 30, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

      That is so incredibly true! Letting go has really enabled me to find myself and my true happiness.

  4. rgonaut December 30, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    Way to go! Happy New Year! sounds like you’re going to have a really good one

    • beautifulmess7 December 30, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

      I certainly hope so! It seems like 2013 is going to be quite a year for me!!! 🙂

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