I Should Have Read This Article Sooner

3 Feb

Mr. Mess was guilty of numbers 1, 3, 4 (obviously), 5, 7, 8, and 9.  Eeek!


10 reasons to dump a guy… immediately!

By Dana Robinson

We all know that it’s best to avoid passing judgment on others, but in the world of dating, a keen sense of judgment can be one of your best assets. In fact, learning when to pull the plug on a prospect that’s going nowhere can save you tons of anguish, frustration — and perhaps most importantly, time! So, if you spot a potential mate showcasing any of the following behaviors, be prepared to drop him like a bad habit — and then keep the dating line moving along.

Reason #1: He calls women the “B word”
Nothing incites women to anger like the use of the word that shall not be named here (see any MTV or Bravo reality show for reference). It can really pack a wallop no matter whose mouth it comes out of, but that word can be especially hurtful when it comes from the lips of the man you’re dating. “Even in the best of relationships, in the heat of anger, disrespectful things may be said, but this is entirely different from a pattern of disrespect, especially one that is established during the courtship of a relationship,” says Beverly Hyman, Ph.D. and Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D., co-authors of How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. “So challenge any sign of disrespect early in a relationship, and, if it persists, get out.”

Reason #2: He’s attached to his mother’s apron strings
There’s nothing wrong with a man who loves his mother, but if you see signs that his loyalty to mom surpasses all else (e.g. everything from his career path to his apartment was hand-picked by mom), then it’s time to make a hasty retreat. Relationships are filled with complications and decisions, and the last thing you’ll need is a husband who can’t think for himself or always sides with his mother instead of with you.

Reason #3: He’s only interested in himself
At dinner parties, we’ve all sat next to the guy who loves to dominate the conversation by talking about himself. Not only does this behavior quickly become really boring, but perpetual narcissism may be indicative that he’s a person who just isn’t interested in your thoughts or feelings. You have opinions, concerns, and dreams that are just as important as his are, and any potential mate needs to acknowledge and respect that.

Reason #4: He has unresolved addiction issues
A lot of women get into relationships with men living with some kind of addiction and spend the rest of their lives dealing with a host of problems associated with that lifestyle, which eventually overshadow their own lives and goals. Addiction issues — like drugs, gambling and alcohol — often require a lifetime of management and counseling. So, if you suspect your man has a problem, it’s best to keep on moving.

Reason #5: He’s not honest and/or trustworthy
We all bend the truth from time to time, but there’s a big difference between saying something like, “Of course I enjoy your cooking!” and “No, I’ve never been convicted of a felony.” Big lies set the foundation for a lack of trust, and when you can’t trust your man you’re most likely headed for a life of unnecessary anxiety, frustration and big-time drama.

Reason #6: His relentlessly negative outlook
You shouldn’t have to listen, day after day, about the horrors of your boyfriend’s job, the incompetence of every driver on the road, or how nothing ever goes his way. Dealing with constant negativity is not only draining, but it can eventually cause you to take to the dark side emotionally as well. “If you see signs of negativity while dating, they will only get worse as the relationship progresses,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “If he won’t admit his negativity or consider changing it, let go — the relationship will go nowhere.”

Reason #7: He’s got Peter Pan Syndrome
Being in an adult relationship requires both partners to have a mature attitude toward life. It’s perfectly OK to be a kid at heart, but that boyish charm needs to be backed up with a good sense of fiscal and emotional responsibility that only a real man can possess.

Reason #8: He lacks ambition
A man without enough ambition to achieve a goal — any type of goal — typically isn’t a man who’ll make a good life partner for an ambitious woman. “Women that truly understand the definition of ambition have a hard time tolerating a man that has shown…that he has no ambition,” says Michelle R. Hannah, life coach and author of The Breaking Point: A Full-Circle Journey. You want a man whose credo is, “Yes we can!” as opposed to, “Why bother?”

Reason #9: He’s a cheater
Even if he swears he’ll never do it again, will you ever be able to trust him in the future? Can you believe him when he says that he has to work late/travel out of town on business/stay out a little later with the guys? Life is short… too short, in fact, to be constantly concerned with your partner’s fidelity. Cut your losses by cutting him loose.

Reason #10: He isn’t good boyfriend material
The reason why we all have to be interviewed for our dream job in person by a potential employer is because having a stellar resume doesn’t necessarily guarantee you’ll be a good fit. Sometimes a man might have the ultimate qualifications, showcasing his great management skills, financial responsibility, creativity, ambition, and every other quality found on your must-have list. But after a few dates, it may become apparent that he won’t mesh well into the company culture (i.e., your friends and family) or he’s just missing that “it” factor that can bump him up to a full-time partner position. Employers don’t waste time with candidates who lack what they truly need, and neither should you.


18 Responses to “I Should Have Read This Article Sooner”

  1. GoddessWife February 8, 2013 at 12:38 am #

    Wow, H”e didn’t seem to meet many of these in the beginning, but now? Almost every single one. So sad.

  2. Pixie Girl February 4, 2013 at 8:45 am #

    I was a bit scared of reading it – after all it might turn out my husband is not the right person to have married 😉 but fortunately I can breathe out now…

    Very useful checklist, though, one that I can accept (as I am normally very much against any sort of preconceptions in a relationship).

    • beautifulmess7 February 4, 2013 at 9:52 am #

      I usually am, too. I thought it was going to be a bunch of ridiculous stuff. Then I read it and thought… Yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

  3. Imperfect February 4, 2013 at 12:13 am #

    Unfortunately, almost everyone I’ve ever dated has had at least one of these issues. I’ve even dated guys with all 10. A few years ago, I myself was guilty of 8 out of 10.

    The problem for me was that I would have sex way too soon and then fall in love with a fantasy and wouldn’t be able to see the red flags. Now I take things much slower and get to know someone before jumping into a relationship.

    • beautifulmess7 February 4, 2013 at 7:37 am #

      That’s a great boundary to have. Taking things slow helps to be able to get to know the other person with a clear mind.

  4. Shturkel Bg February 3, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

    I really liked your last reason, it kind of highlights the attuitude underlying all of them. I mean, the employer – employee relation alluded to is clearly non-reciprocal, with an obvious dominant figure. Of course, you and your intended audience may like to view the world from this prespective, may be even feel you have the right to. I am just wondering what your “10 reasons to dump a girl” may look like. If you ever write them, I will be curious to read.

  5. Samantha Baker February 3, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

    4, 5, 6, 9 but not until we were years into our marriage. Though if I look hard I could see some red flags with 9 they just weren’t blatant.

  6. Still Loving Him February 3, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

    My husband didn’t have any of these when I met him. We were four years in to our relationship and 2 years into marriage before he slipped into addiction. It was 11 years before I found out about the other stuff. It’s not like you are aware of all these things right out of the shute. In the end my husband ended up with.

    Thankfully in addiction recovery, lots of therapy and 15 months after first D-day he has retained not one of these awful traits.

  7. Sessica February 3, 2013 at 3:40 pm #

    My x was guilty of 1, 5 & 6. Number 1 is such a big red flag that I willfully and purposely ignored and appeared very early in our relationship. He ultimately became guilty of #9, which is the ultimate sign of a man’s disrespect of a woman. This is a great list… Wish I had seen this and been capable of heeding these warning signs.

    • beautifulmess7 February 3, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

      I didn’t know some of those things about my ex until later. #1 happened fairly early, although he didn’t say it about me it still should have been a HUGE red flag. I did tell him it bothered me, but then I let it go. My fault.

      #3, 4, 5 and 9 didn’t appear until later. However, #7 and 8 would have been obvious if I had only looked and stopped making excuses for him.

  8. peregrinerose February 3, 2013 at 3:29 pm #

    Mine was none of those things when we met and married. I was the only person he cheated on. Lucky me.

    • beautifulmess7 February 3, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

      Sometimes you just don’t know and there’s really no way you could have. 😦

      • peregrinerose February 4, 2013 at 7:50 am #

        Mine was never any of those things except cheater and liar. He’s kind, funny, sweet, treats me well, respectful.

        • beautifulmess7 February 4, 2013 at 10:15 am #

          Yeah… People don’t all fit into one mold. Sometimes there are no warning signs that someone will lie and cheat.

          • peregrinerose February 4, 2013 at 12:02 pm #

            It is still sometimes hard to believe that he lived such a double life. The addict was completely closed off to me, I never saw any sign of it, I only found out accidentally. I’m blown away by how very messed up he is, and impressed by his courage in fighting to heal.

  9. emilylonging February 3, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

    Hi Beautiful! I knew all these things, I just chose to ignore them. I’m also now in the process of divorcing the cheater I’d been married to. I hope to be feeling as happy and free as you do soon.

    • beautifulmess7 February 3, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

      I hope so, too! It is life-changing to change your life. 🙂 It takes a little while to wrap your head around, but once you do and start seeing what life can be like.

  10. blogventer February 3, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    H is #2, 5, 7, 9. Ack! 😦

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