Being with a Narcissistic Sociopath – Part 1

12 Mar

A few weeks ago I found a link to a blog written by a very strong woman.  Her goal is to create awareness of personality disorders and how these disorders destroy marriages/intimate partner relationships and are at the center of abuse/domestic violence cases.  She has a lot of great information.  One particular post, Identifying a Narcissistic Sociopath, really struck home.  I have read it many times.

I see so many characteristics of a narcissistic sociopath in Mr. Mess.  So much so that I wanted to re-post the list here with my comments and maybe a few examples from my life.  My comments are in blue.  The rest is the text of the original blog post:

Do you know what it feels like to be locked up, placed in a dungeon of a partner’s creation? If so, you’re not alone. If not, pray you never do.

Abuse comes in many forms and affects many people in the victim’s life.  Emotional, physical, and sexual abuses are equally degrading and harmful. One is not better than the other or worse than the other. They are ALL abuse.

This story is specifically about emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath.

According to Dr. Martha Stout’s book The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths make up 4% of western society (Stout, 2010). That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions. Would you know how to identify a sociopath if you saw one, met one, started an intimate relationship or entered into a business contract with one? More than likely, your answer is No, because unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities who we would never suspect of evil or wrong doing and who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us. How? Through lies, manipulations, and more lies.  Lies, manipulation, and more lies”… Sounds familiar.

In romance, narcissistic sociopaths often appear too good to be true. They are charming, agreeable, and engaging. The narcissistic sociopath loves (or seems to love) everything about you. He hooks you. Then he breaks you. His emotional abuse is VERY subtle. The victim may not know she is being victimized until it is nearly too late.

Identifying narcissistic sociopaths

Although not all narcissists are sociopaths, all sociopaths are narcissists (Stout 2010). Therefore, if you can identify a narcissist, you’re one step closer to being able to recognize a sociopath. Below is a definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a list of narcissistic traits taken directly from the website of Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-Love. (If you know someone who fits at least 5 or more of these traits, a psychiatrist could easily diagnose him/her as having NPD.)

The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.  I don’t know about the sociopath part, but already the narcissist side is looking incredibly fitting…

1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);  This manifested itself very, very early with Mr. Mess.  He told me when we first met that he was a construction foreman.  In fact, he was a temp worker on the line at a company that formed concrete beams.  He wasn’t even an employee of the company itself (and was never actually hired on there, despite his insistence that he was the best person who worked there).  He had no supervisory duties at all.  There are so many other examples that we could be here all day on just this one point.  He always had an opinion on something, and his opinion was always right, even if it was based on absolutely nothing (no facts, no reasoning, just because he said so).  He got enraged if I ever questioned his claims or lack of proof.

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;  Oh, he always had this.  He is studying to become a chef right now, and always talked about opening his own restaurant, becoming a famous chef, and all of these other things that are pie in the sky type fantasies because he had no concrete plans to make them happen (yet was convinced they somehow were going to come true).  He would watch cooking competitions and act like he could win them with his little to no experience.  He would go on about how he was the best person in his class, yet he consistently did poorly on his practical exams.  Again, too many examples to go through.

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions); Hmmm… maybe not so much on this one.  He was never elitist about the institutions he was part of (his cooking school is a community college, not that he acted that way when he was glorifying his cooking abilities).  He DID always look down at others in his classes and meetings.  He thought he was soooo much better than them, and would constantly complain about the people in his groups.

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);  Oh, absolutely.  That man wanted a standing ovation every time he did the slightest thing right.  He was always wanting people to tell him how wonderful he was, and would lie to get the attention and admiration he wanted.  He needed positive affirmation for every.single.thing. or he would become pouty and childish.

5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;  Entitled.  That describes him to a T.  He feels like he should get what he wants because it’s what he wants.  He felt like he “deserved” things just because.  Even with the tax refund, he feels like he should get part of it because he deserves it, because he “needs” it.  He fully admits that I took a loss on the car and that he is the reason all of the extra options were added that made it upside down.  He acknowledges that his “half” of the tax refund doesn’t even cover my loss and that he agreed to give me the $2K.  But somehow he STILL thinks that he is entitled.  He has always had completely “unreasonable expectations,” and his parents for sure set him up to believe that he should get some sort of “priority treatment.”  Hell, they got him out of drug charges and school suspensions, and he still laughs at how smart he was to get away with it (with their help).

6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;  Without the ability to manipulate and live off of other people, I don’t think he could even exist.  Before me, he was unemployed for several months and literally moving from couch to couch, bumming off of his friends.  He used me to buy him a car (more than one actually – the last 3 vehicles he had were either mine, paid for by me, or financed by me). 

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;  He certainly was never able to accept or empathize with my feelings, needs, preferences and priorities.  He could lie and pretend for a while, but his true nature always came out.  He literally had no concern for my health, and his actions made that increasingly obvious.  I have never once seen him put himself last for anyone or put anyone else’s feelings or needs before his own desires.  I think he is probably incapable of that.

8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;  Reading the first half of this, I wasn’t sure…  Then I got to the second sentence and it started to make sense.  He definitely did feel like people were “out to get” him.  I think it’s part of the entitlement and the inability to take responsibility for his own actions.  Either way, things were always someone else’s fault.  If something went wrong it was because someone else didn’t want him to succeed.  Just like this marriage being over is because I didn’t give him enough of a chance.

9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (http://samvak.tripod.com).  Oh, yeah.  His parents played a huge part in that.  They got him and his brother and sister out of all sorts of legal trouble, and he felt entitled.  He couldn’t stand being contradicted, especially when he was wrong. In fact, that was when he could get the most indignant and petty.

So yep, I was definitely with a narcissist.  I knew that much already.  It was nice to see this list here in black and white.

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50 Responses to “Being with a Narcissistic Sociopath – Part 1”

  1. Kay March 9, 2016 at 7:28 pm #

    they are not mad. The actions are calculated, measured and willfully executed. These actions have destroyed lives and continue to do so. These are individuals, I believe, who must be punished by the law. They must face the legal consequences of their actions. The mental/psychological damage; the severe emotional trauma that also draws in physical damage. The destruction is far and wide. The damage too far reaching. Yes we can have conversations, and they are very important indeed about the necessary support after the despicable aftermath, the need to heal, to forgive oneself, to rebuild ones life and those around ones life whose life has been largely destroyed, and in some or most cases the children would have been in that space of pain. Am not advocating revenge when rebuilding and healing becomes a primary area of focus. However, I am advancing an argument for legally addressing the consequences of such damaging, violent, degrading, traumatic, I’ll willed behaviour. I am advocating the need to reflect in society and to society at large that consequences exist and they are real. This can be realized in divorce settlements. But what about partnerships outside of the institution of marriage? The post traumatic stress disorder as a consequence of this type of wicked behavior is real, far too real to be ignored. The persons who have suffered at the hands of these individuals are left in the invidious seat of discomfort whilst the doer shoves of to find another victim. Like peadophiles they belong in a specific register open to the public. Like the rapist hey too belong there. How do you know you are dating a narcissist sociopath? You don’t know until you suffer badly at their hands. They should be named and shamed and devastating human damage could be averted, possibly. Why should these ‘sick’ people not account. Jail, institution, throw away the key. Considering that they can’t be cured, it seems, they should not be left to cause continuous havoc and destruction. That is what and who they are. For as long as we write books about them, because we know they walk amongst us, equally we should begin conversations about their conduct and the punishment that they require. You ask, how is that going to help? We can isolate them; we can know who they are, we can avoid them. Warn about them. We can curtail the trauma. This probably sounds drastic and perhaps even far fetched. But, we must start somewhere. We punish other vile human acts don’t we? Surely they too must and can be punished. I use the word punished consciously. Perhaps there is another possible conversation about helping ‘them’. Maybe there is, if we play with the idea of possible reform. But if current literature is anything to go by. There is very little hope for that lot. Some may ask, where’s the energy to prosecute when your life is in ruins, you are just barely holding up, you are living with pain, questions, trauma etc? Valid question. I write this aware of the fact that I do not have answers to many considerations. I make that admission with no hesitation. Am advancing a thought. Prosecute them. Publicise them. There’s nothing special about them. There’s everything devastating by their calculated, manipulative, traumatic, horrid and painful conduct. Would be very interested to hear other views, thoughts, suggestions etc.

    • beautifulmess7 March 15, 2016 at 1:31 pm #

      Part of the problem is that a lot of emotional pain can happen at the hands of people like that without a single law being broken. My ex took advantage of my giving nature, he lied, he used me for my money, and he broke me emotionally in a number of ways. But none of that is illegal. It is devastating, but you have to criminalize actions, not diseases. Especially ones like this that can’t be easily diagnosed with an irrefutable test. There really is no legal recourse except to guard yourself and be aware.

  2. Ginny December 12, 2014 at 9:44 pm #

    I accomplished a great deal raising two great kids alone after suffering at the hands of a NS for eight long years. I was unwed for 22 years. I empty nested, lost 100 lbs and decided it was time for me to find someone for me.
    The new me found a man that was handsome, supposedly well educated, and a professional (lawyer). He was charming and he said we made the perfect power couple. He told me I was beautiful, smart,the love of his life, his soul mate. We married in December 2012.
    He continued to be a charmer but lost his job shortly after our wedding; he has never worked since. He had 25K+ in the bank, but could not make a purchase of milk for his special needs child living with us. He put his cell service on mine so we could get a good deal. I bought him an iPhone, I kept my old one. He liked the status of my neighborhood, my job as a university professor, and the amenities that came with my position (tuition waivers). He started a Masters program and I tutored him…and along the way I discovered 1) there had been five other “love of my life” women, 2)there were five children, not two.3)he was not very sure academically, 4) my family and friends were never good enough, and 5) he was constantly seeking revenge on his ex-wife. He owes the feds nearly 200K in student loan debt from law school and has failed to submit taxes for years!

    But none of this should matter because “we are so much in love”. I began to distance myself from him a few months ago and last week told him I had filed for divorce. Boy is he pissed! He didn’t have his next N supply ready so he is about to be homeless without a job. He has become manic and agitated, staying up all night pacing the floors, turning the tv up loud, and slamming doors (intimidation). He is increasingly more hostile and I am afraid. The judge has denied a PPO so I have purchased a precautionary device. In 58 days he and his NS trainee (kid) will be no more in my life. In fact he says he’s moving out next Saturday; that poor woman didn’t get the list.

    I have a question for all of us…How will we make sure we don’t do it again? We have to own some of the responsibility of ignoring the red flags.

    • beautifulmess7 December 12, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

      That’s a very good question. I believe that the lies in not lying to ourselves. Educate yourself, really get to know the person, know what to look for (what will be there and what won’t), and don’t leave space for big lies to hide.

  3. Stacy W March 21, 2014 at 9:30 am #

    It’s been almost 2 years since I left my Narc/BPD relationship. One of the most painful parts was having to physically leave the place that I loved, my home because I knew after many years that if I stayed physically in the same place as him I would always be manipulated back into the same bullshit. I’m reading and writing because though I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, kind person now I still feel haunted and often have dreams that make me relive the pain over and over again. I have been perplexed because it’s been so long. I should be over it, right? Well, I’m not and I feel guilty and weak that I’m not over it. Right after I left Brett Gyllenskog swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough and that perhaps she is but I know now, from lots of therapy, that there is NO good match for a narcissist!! She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her.
    I just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still.
    All of this has helped me feel okay about where I’m at and helped me to see how damaging these people and relationships can really be. I don’t have to feel so crazy and weak anymore about still reeling from this experience.

    Research characteristics of “REAL” Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social… Personality Disorder!!! It’s not just someone who think’s they’re pretty awesome and likes to look at themselves in the mirror. It’s so much more.

    Our society’s casual idea of what Narcissism is NOT the reality! They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. You feel like you can’t go on without them because they have groomed you to feel that way. That’s not real! – even though you feel physically ill and overly fearful at the thought of leaving. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to.

    So ultimately please hear my advice…(I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult)…

    BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT….BECAUSE IT DOES!!!….even if it means leaving everything you love and where you want to be.

    ….and STOP BELIEVING THAT YOU’RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, SKINNY ENOUGH, ETC…

    IT’S A LIE!

    THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE.

    REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL – THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL….you can expect “normal” behavior from them. So STOP TRYING!

    Love yourself and don’t look back.

    Lots of love and kind regards to all of you xoxo

    • beautifulmess7 March 21, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

      Thank you for your comments and for sharing your story.

      • theeighthsign April 15, 2014 at 12:02 pm #

        Just from skimming over the comments, I can relate to all of this so much. I’ve been free of this emotional vampire for 4 years now. Someday, I’ll be able to share my own story. As much as I believe in being away from a sociopath as far away as I can, still I stand my ground and know where to find help if needed. I’d rather think that my ex-spouse better steer clear away from my path.

  4. Tom Wilcox March 14, 2014 at 7:15 am #

    It seems to me that the perfect target for a narcissistic sociopath is a narcissist. The sociopath tells the narcissist everything he/she wants to hear and the narcissist has no filter to safeguard against the over abundance of flattery while the sociopath overpowers the narcissist. The sociopathic narcissist has no conscience and churns forward and chews up any person or thing that represents an obstacle to the goal.

    • beautifulmess7 March 14, 2014 at 8:05 am #

      That’s a nice theory, but more oft n they prey on trusting people with low self-esteem.

      • Darrell Flowers June 16, 2014 at 2:56 am #

        I had a whole thing already to send you about my soon to be ex wife. I just found out 3 days ago what has really been going on in my marriage and my life the last 18 months. And it a=was a revelation to say the least. The way she had been playing me, and others, to try and make me look like I was the bad guy, and at times would even try to suggest that if I wanted to end my life, that she wished hers was over too so who is she to tell me no. I never felt like that seriously, just depressed alot and confused. Which I never am.Everyone I know would tell her what a great guy I was was, how loyal and honest. She would say everyone lied for me and only she really knew me. Tried to make me out to be some kind of sexual deviate, which I have never been..had me on the phone 24/7,accusations, of all sorts,being at strip clubs, with hookers, leaving work for other women, she would call and tell me she didn;t see me on my job so she was taking my car and leaving. Had to be able to hear all my calls, so she would put hers on speakerphone and tell me ” See I let you hear mine, I have nothing to hide. ” She is also a paranoid schizophrenic. So we couldn’t leave the house until certain times of the day. The windows were all covered up. But she would turn it on me and say it was because of my obsession with women. Well there’s so much more that it just annoys and pisses me off to write about it. In the lst 3 weeks she went totally off the edge, lying, stealing, I think she has another boyfriend( Poor Bastard!) and won’t try to give me any explanation.She put me in a hole financially and emotionally,she even went to the point of having my old Facebook account, which I was told got deleted, and she would put comments on my page to herself like I’m sorry Ruby, and This is all my fault. And then tell my friends, and even my family that I am suicidal, and she would say things like ” Well I can’t tell anyone no if they want o leave this planet.” And she always pointed out she has 10 dead exes. Some of her exes were obsessed with her. She started telling me I was scaring her with my obsession when all I wanted was an answer/ Having all kinds of strangers on facebook talk dirty to her and give her likes on her page is the most important thing in the world. Thinks its all real.Tries to make herself look important to anyone who will buy it, is going to do all these things that she never does, can;t finish most things she starts. acts like she is doing the world, and anyone who will listen that she is just trying to improve the world, and people in it. Wow, Its alot, my sis-in-law who pointed out to me 3 days ago, was just talking to me about this, and it’s just one of those things, that the more you try to make sense out of it, the more it makes no sense . It’s just a lesson, and I am just happy that , for one, I was pointed towards this disease, and two, that I was only with her a short time. Oh itfelt like forever at times,most of the time in fact. But to anyone reading these posts, and you have a person like this in your life, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM!! THEY HAVE NO CONSCIENCE,NO REMORSE, NO GUILT, DON”T HAVE A CLUE OF WHAT LOVE IS< OR HOW TO LOVE BACK AND WILL ONLY LEAVE YOU AFTER THEY HAVE NO USE FOR YOU OR YOU HAVE NO PURPOSE< OR ANYTHING THEY CAN USE FOR THEIR OWN ADVANCEMENT,AND TO MAKE THEM FEEL EMPOWERED!!

  5. Sherry December 18, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

    Thank God we are not alone!! It’s so scary to know so many of these guys exist. I got really lucky and befriended the ex-girlfriend of the ex-boyfriend of mine who is a narcissistic sociopath. He lived off of her for two years when she kicked him out. He lived off of me immediately after for five months. I booted his ass out when I found out he was stalking her. She and I have been supportive of each other through learning to see him as he really is, getting over the illusion he created, and especially every time he rears his ugly head in our lives. We’re a tag-team against him. She and I hate the thought that this could continue for years. It is so discouraging. However, we have a plan. It’s nothing specific, but each time he attempts to contact us, he blows up our phones, so we call the police each time. The police contact him and tell him to stop contacting us. He complies for awhile then does it again. We figure the police are going to get sick & tired of all the case reports they have to file each time we call them, that at some point, they will find a way to arrest him. We’re also waiting for him to slip up. He’s a registered violent offender from attempting to kill his ex-wife (she’s our friend too, but lives out of state). At some point, we know he will lose his temper and do something stupid…hopefully, not to us, of course, but when he does, we will assist the police in every way we can to help them put him back in prison and out of our lives.
    I am so glad there are websites like this. Keep spreading the word about these creeps. Keep sharing what you have learned with each other. The strength we gain from each other helps to take away that “victimized” feeling. 🙂

    • beautifulmess7 December 18, 2013 at 1:48 pm #

      It is very true that finding others in the same situation helps to ease that feeling of guilt or responsibility. I’m glad you have support!

  6. Holly Hamilton November 18, 2013 at 11:08 pm #

    I dated a man off and on for over two years before I finally realized that he had the narcissistic sociopath disorder. As far as I’m concerned he is the most evil person I’ve ever encountered. It started with the typical cycle behavior of pursuing me and leaving me, pursuing and leaving…. over and over. There was never a valid reason or excuse. He kept his cell phone turned off and out of sight when I was present, he would make digs towards me, I’d be hurt me or my feelings with his haughtiness, he would try and hide s smirk or smile as if he was about to die laughing. I engender crying in front of him telling him how I felt and he had to turn his head because he was about to start smiling. It was creepy. He thought he looked like Jon Bon Jovi and would literally be obsessed with the performer and would have ridiculous dreams about being featured on Oprah Winfrey. He was a musician who was involved with the church and the worship team, as he recorded some of his music at a local studio, he truly believed that he was going to be a famous Christian artist accepting a dove award at 45 years old. There was no sense of reality or practicality. He thought he was the best of everyone in everything. He had affairs with all kinds of women and had an interest in teen porn. He was obsessed with looking young and doing what he had to to stay young. He was also an impulse spender, he bought expensive or pricy things in order to maintain an image. … this occurred in everything from how he dressed and looked to his car and home. It is a very serious sickness and it is by far the worst relationship I have ever encountered. I have been away from him for sometime but he Shays returns or tries to. It had now been over a year and he still tries coming back.

    • beautifulmess7 November 19, 2013 at 7:40 am #

      The similarities in the way they act are noticeable. My ex would get that smirk when he hurt my feelings. He was also into teen porn. I would catch expressions out of the corner of my eye that I wasn’t sure I had seen correctly and when I turned to look at him full-on they were gone.

  7. lvlyfun September 18, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

    Can you say “stupid”? Yeah, At first, I thought he was a bit overly attentive, but at the same time, he was the one that had been married for “18” years as he said, when the truth was “1” year. 20 plus calls a day, straddling me when I was on the toilet taking a dump, hugging me saying “Push baby push” and the need for constant praise. If he wasn’t given praise for even the simplest thing like taking the trash out……holy shiat. God forbid you ever called him on catching him a lie, or being a bit too emotionally needy, the wrath was indescribable. He abused me in every way you can imagine. Verbally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and the thing I’ll never forget, is his hate for me he was so strong in expressing while I slept. Trust me, at first I tried to tell myself he was depressed, possibly suffering from PTSD, histrionic personality disorder and of course an alcoholic, but wow me…..when I came across narcissist or sociopath, I didn’t want to believe it. It’s the last thing any of us want to think I felt this innate need to help this psycho…….and turns out he was always out to help himself. Even caught him cheating with a government employee, after he got a DUI so he could ensure “good court reports” during his probation. Makes me sick to my stomach, and then some. She could have been his daughter for goodness sakes. Scary though, is when you call someone on being a Narcissistic Sociopath, and they laugh, “So I guess there’s no help for me”…….that’s when you worry about whether you’ll live or die. I swear……I have no trust at this point, and yeah, it could take me who knows how long before I even attempt to start another relationship, All I can say is I learned my lesson……I feel for anyone who has endured a person like this….and my hope is that you reach deep inside and find the person you were before them.

    • beautifulmess7 September 18, 2013 at 5:59 pm #

      I hope that you were able to get away and cut him out of your life completely. It takes a lot of work to move on and get healthy so you don’t repeat the mistake of being with someone lime that.

      • lvlyfun September 18, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

        Yeah, 14 months later. Got a protective order and blocked him from contacting me via phone, internet, email, or any other way.

  8. PeterM July 8, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    this is too eerie to be true- I knew a Chef as well- went to a 2 year college in Providence RI– he had been married for 23 years- 3 kids- then decided he was gay- left the family- lived in his van, had a nervous breakdown- filed bankruptcy (blamed his wife for the spending) Works as a Chef at a local Univ in CT (Retail operation- nothing up to ‘his levels if expertise’. Met him in 2009- all the Charm one could expect- but a reptile in disguise. I saw the Grandiosity almost immediately. Handsome as hell, nice baritone voice. As time went on I noticed a ‘mask like’ face- no emotions. No empathy, cared nothing about the poor- Thought he was of superior intelligence to all- somewhat artistic- but nothing special- selfish as a cat. In time he became subtlety abusive (the trademark of narcissists and sociopaths) Broke up in early 2011- devalued and discarded. Saw him last summer- went into Narcissistic rage – jealousy over another man. Several months ago I sent an e mail that confronted him in a nice way- telling him in oblique terms that he was likely a Narcissist or a Sociopath. Have not heard from him since- except when I got an e mail- trying to charm me again. Avoid these empty souls at all costs- they will drain you of all your energy and self esteem. I have been through therapy and have begun to feel like a person again after this alien form of ‘intelligence’

    • beautifulmess7 July 8, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

      Good for you! It’s very subtle at first. Just little things here and there that feel a little “off.” But they put up a good front. They know what to say, how to paint themselves as victims of circumstances or other people who don’t see their true value and potential. Not like YOU do… They somehow manage to make you feel both special and inferior at the same time. Despite having been in rough circumstances themselves, they have no pity or empathy for others.

      When you finally do get away not everyone realizes or understands why. Except the ones who have been playing close attention. Those people urge you to never look back, have been silently wondering why you put up with the shit so long, and never did fall prey to the lies, convenient excuses, and superficial charm.

  9. Debra June 6, 2013 at 12:19 pm #

    OH MY, it’s been 7 years for me, seven years of a living hell and I was so in love and so understanding that it blinded me from what my partner actually was.
    I had made notes on my calendar throughout the years every time something happened, and only until now have I understood what I was going through. It’s a very sad situation when you realize you have wasted years of your life and have shed so many tears & depression over a person who basically just uses you & manipulates your heart, your mind and your life – for nothing but the fact that they have no conscience and they truly do have a psychological problem they cannot fix. Sadly they do not realize how much they hurt others, and that part alone is the scariest thought because they will continue their lives doing this to other pour souls who cross their path.

    I’ve been through it all:

    – lies about his home life, stated he was ‘separated’ only a year later did I find out he was married still living with his wife
    – lied about his job which was non-existant
    – flirted with friends/strangers alike to the point of starting orgies
    – problems with strangers, as he is very blunt and does not care what he says to people
    – problems with police officers, throwing water bottles, hot dogs, whatever he has in his hands after the bar and starts trouble
    – always centre of attention, the joker, the one who goes on stage and entertains everyone
    – very high sex drive / attractive man
    – promiscuous nature, finding out months sometimes a year later of girls he met online/bar which he had one night stands with or a relationship with
    – loving, kind towards me but within a week or two always dealt with verbal abuse over one issue or other which he caused
    – blamed me for problems which arised due to his own actions
    – never met his close friends or buddies or family members to see his other life (he always kept his personal life separate, there was always one reason or another of why it wasn’t possible over the years)
    – puts people against you, alienates you from your family and friends until all you have is him
    – drinking problem, alcohol which made him grab women in bars (breasts, bottom etc) in front of me caught when I wasn’t looking or when he thought i wasn’t around, and there were many times it was done in front of my face & I was told it was just ‘fun’ and drunkeness that made him do it
    – as much as i have a good heart, am shy, very attractive as a woman, it did not matter to him to lie in my face and have no empathy that he was hurting me with other women
    – there were times i had proof of his lies and I wouldn’t let him know what I knew & I watched him casually tell me otherwise like it was second nature, it hurt to see this knowing the truth
    – always stated he was in love with me and wanted to marry me, but constantly cheated and lied nonetheless out of just pure thrill, I believe they unknowingly get some type of high from this to others, the lying & cheating is exciting
    – very intelligent, yet uses this to their advantage to manipulate others

    My last day was two weeks ago, I waited on him all day for a ‘weekend’ he supposedly wanted to spend with me..
    Friday night excuse was he forgot about a friends husband’s birthday party (i wasn’t able to go as i live an hour away) I later found out he was at a bbq party with friends and women he had associations with.
    Saturday comes along, I received many excuses in the morning as to why I was unable to join him at an ‘antique show’ due to him going early at 8am with family, he ended up not going at all as I later found out he as at this party from the night before and was still enjoying the festivities the next day and was lying to me all along.
    I spend the day cleaning my home, changing my sheets, buying groceries for our weekend, buying his favorite wine.. he finally showed up at 7:30pm, said he was tired and wanted to stay in, he wanted to sit in the car when I sat in to let me know of his day while we were parked, I stated I did not want to sit in a hot car to listen to him tell me about his day, I suggested we could go to a book store if he was tired, sit and have a coffee and he can tell me of his day and then we can go home and hang in if he was tired.
    I was stuck most of my day indoors, waiting on him and doing things for us in preparation, it wasn’t too much to ask to step out.
    Mind you at this time I had already known where he spend Friday night and most of Saturday and I was sad, and because I loved him so much I didn’t bring it up not to upset him.
    Well, as we are driving within 10min he gets angry because he wants to tell me about his day (his lies, not the truth).. I had expressed to him only that I would have liked to join him at the antique show Saturday morning ( I had asked the night prior but he said he was tired and wanted to go to bed) in the morning he just ignored what I said & left without me.. keep in mind you I said this calmly, lovingly and politely, as I do not like seeing his anger. Well within 10min into our ride, after me stating only that I would have liked to join him and wished he would have planned it with me – HE BLOWS UP, starts to get upset hitting & banging at the steering wheel yelling and screaming at me of how much stress he has coming from all angles (as he lives with his parents and has a daughter from previous marriage that only lasted 2yrs) as he is doing this acting like a psychotic maniac, he utters ‘im turning around and going home, i had enough of this sh#t’ WOW

    For the first time, I snapped, I don’t know what happened, with his yelling and telling me he was going home after the day I had I immediately opened the car door as he was driving along the lakeshore, I wanted to get out.

    I have never done that before or acted that way the mere shock of what he had done and how he was treating me in my face, knowing full well he is lying to me, was something I will never forget.

    He was in the center lane and he pulled over within a minute and watched me get out. Now, I know he is lying as I received photo proof of where he was and with whom, he knows he is lying but doesn’t realize I know, and yet he still treated me that way? UNBELIEVABLE

    It took me a little over a half hour to get home walking. Not once did he try to stop me from getting out of the car, he didnt come looking for me, but he did text me in capital letters how I could have caused an accident (we were barely going 20km at the time), and how I could have ruined his career (which he does not have, he is still going to college, his 3rd attempt, failing some courses already) but this is how narcissistic sociopaths are.. this is what they do, this is how they treat you and it was not the first time.

    Sadly this happened once before after waiting on him most of the day, preparing for his arrival, he never showed up & cancelled on me using the excuse that I didn’t want to drive half way and meet him..

    I never responded to any of his texts after he made me walk home in the cold that night, I felt worthless, I realized I had been fooled for 6 years.I was numb on my walk home in disbelief that this has been my life

    He has sent me angry emails and texts since this happened, it’s been 2 weeks – I have not responded to any (as he enjoys the blame game and arguing to the point where he wont make you sleep for a week just from you trying to wrap your brain around all the harsh words and put downs he throws at you).

    I always forgave him, for many many things he has done to me, in front of me and behind my back..

    I guess it took for me to watch him lie to me for days knowing the truth, and it crushed me and devastated me to watch him do this to my face and not have a care in the world of how he was deceiving me and lying to me. It took this last time for me to actually realize the relationship was all a lie – I was faithful and loving and in it wholeheartedly, he wasn’t.

    As hard as it is, and has been, I have not contacted him, I have changed my number and I am having a difficult time because throughout the years he has alienated me from my family and my friends. I am alone more than ever, but I had to do this, my life, my self esteem, my self worth is all gone.

    Sadly, the peace and solace I feel not reading or hearing his harsh words towards me, degrading me & not listening to the constant lies & stories, not being manipulated any longer, and not spending nights and weekends worrying or stressing over issues he brings into my life – has been the first feeling of peace I have felt in a long time.

    It’s a daily struggle trying to forget, trying not to call or text, because I was in love, this was what I believed to be my soulmate, my life. But it was nothing but a lie, I was just one of many, for no other reason but the fact that he cannot control his sociopathic nature.

    I don’t know what the future will hold for me, I don’t know if I will fully recover, I don’t know if I will ever heal from this, but I am going to try – it’s all I have left to save myself from this.

    For those of you who have experienced a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath

    Good Luck to you all & God Bless you all

    • beautifulmess7 June 8, 2013 at 9:15 am #

      Sweetie, you will be okay! I am so proud of you for cutting him off. He will keep trying to get to you, but ignoring him is the best option. You don’t need someone like that in your life! Email me anytime you need strength.

    • Anonymous June 15, 2013 at 12:47 am #

      I just want to thank you for sharing your story, you are a strong woman. I too have been in a relationship for 20 yrs I’m tired now, being mentally, physically, verbally abused, everything being my fault. I definately stayed in this nightmare too long, I loved him and I got beat down. I’m very sad all those yrs gone and my memories are nightmares….I have faith, hope and the unconditional love of jesus. I pray for all of us to be restored, begin to love ourselves and have peace……

    • Anonymous June 18, 2013 at 7:52 pm #

      my exact story….sorry someone else has lived it, but great to be out…long recovery for all the charm and good they make you experience but it is all just an act, and the real them is all the hurt.

    • Hope Johnson November 13, 2013 at 6:40 am #

      Oh my…I am so sorry to hear of how you have been treated…it strikes such a chord with me as I have been going through the same roller coaster of emotional and physical abuse with my partner for over 10 years. Luckily I have the support of my family and many good friends who all told me he was sick for the longest time. I ignored their words because I was so totally in love with him from the word go…strong, sexually fulfilling…….even in our worst times our sex life was amazing…. Ready to help me rebuild my life after my divorce…….until……
      He had an agenda which included using me to support him financially, he abused me emotionally in public and private and then it went to physical…..he got worse each time and still I forgave him, still I never walked away! His power over me was crazy….I am an intelligent, successful business woman, a mother…my kids couldn’t stand him, and yet still I kept taking him back? He cheated on me many times that I knew of and probably a lot more that I never knew about.
      I called him Iceman becos I always told him he had no heart, that he was omnipotent and narcissistic, had no empathy, but it wasn’t until I looked up sociopath that I was able to put it clearly in my head what the problem was! I could check every box almost, he fit the description of a narcissistic sociopath to the tee! OMG. It was a revelation! It empowered me, has made me open my eyes and tell him to leave me alone, to not answer his constant texts. Now he has lost control I know he is dangerous, now he switches from the “hearts and flowers; I love you, need you,want to marry you, you are the only person I love stage” to pure anger and revenge stage…I await the explosion yet I am better prepared through knowledge which empowers.
      Be strong, know that it’s not you, you are not crazy…he (or she….because woman can be sociopaths too and do this to their man!) DO NOT GO BACK! He will never mature out of it, never fix the problem because he does not recognize that he has one! You can only fix you by moving on.
      I wish you so much happiness in your future, and it will come, just leave all trace of this person, this man with ice in his veins, this tormentor…leave him behind, tell yourself you are wonderful, beautiful and worth so much more! I know ..he has spent years draining your self confidence, isolating you from those who care but when you are truly free of the ties that bind you to him you will be able to rekindle your friendships because the true you will shine through once more and everyone will be drawn to the wonderful person you are.

      • beautifulmess7 November 13, 2013 at 7:09 am #

        Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad to hear that you have stopped taking him back. You don’t ever have to worry about me doing doing that with the narcissist in my life. That bridge is burned and then some. I hope that the man you were dealing with will leave you alone once he realizes that you are truly done.

    • Shattered March 12, 2014 at 5:34 am #

      I feel your pain so much! But you are so brave to have ended it and to stay strong with the no contact approach.

      Like you, I thought my narcissistic sociopathic husband was the love of my life – I’ve been married just over a year (first time for me second for him) and separated for 3 months now. He is the most cunning, charming, scary, person I’ve ever met. Even after finding out all the lies (he’s a parasite that financed $600k of debt in my name, hacked and deleted my email and Facebook account, destroyed my friend’s job by lies to get back at me), he can still cry crocodile tears and convince me he loves me. He stripped my dignity, destroyed my self-worth and I lost the ability to laugh. I can’t believe what he’s done to my life and I’m still in shock. I’m too scared to do anything as he has it in him to hurt me, I’ve just seen how he has zero empathy for anyone’s pain and no conscience. He was the love of my life, I wish I could turn off the pain and emptiness in my heart.

      Praying you’ll get through this! Email me if you want to talk, it would be therapeutic!

      • beautifulmess7 March 12, 2014 at 7:32 am #

        He isn’t the love of your life because he doesn’t truly love you. I thought he was “right” for me, and boy was I wrong. Now I’ve met the most amazing man ever who is so much better in every single way. He has taught me what a real man is like.

  10. TheOWDiaries April 13, 2013 at 11:38 pm #

    It’s epidemic!!! Been there too.

  11. soselfindulgent April 12, 2013 at 1:47 am #

    Oh my God, I think I just read a clinical description of my ex-boyfriend!

  12. Courtney March 13, 2013 at 3:38 pm #

    When my husband was an active alcoholic he fit a lot if not almost all of them. But as of today he has maybe only a hint of one or two of them. Thank you for your post. Makes you think.

    • beautifulmess7 March 13, 2013 at 4:32 pm #

      Active addiction turns people into monsters… I’m glad that he isn’t that bad anymore.

  13. Paula March 12, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    The enabling, equally “sick” parents make it so easy for these fools to keep moving forward, business as usual. And these families tend to backstab each other through triangulation tactics. They may seem to like each other but it’s solely to project a perfect family image to the rest of us. I’m glad you found my page. This is a really good exercise and one I did repeatedly until I was finally able to accept who and what he was. Accepting this was really hard. No one wants to admit that they somehow allowed this into their life, you know? 🙂

    • beautifulmess7 March 12, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

      Yeah… His parents so helped in creating the person he was. They indulged his every whim. They rescued him after every fuck-up while somehow convincing him that it was all okay to act like that.

      You are also dead-on about the backstabbing. I have never met siblings who talked so badly about each other behind each one another’s backs. It was definitely dysfunctional. The sad thing was I genuinely liked most of them, especially the one sister they all seemed to have a problem with.

      She was the oldest, and seemed the most normal and mature. The rest of them were constantly saying how judgmental she was. I never saw it. She did call them on their bad behavior, though, like drug use and stealing money and taking advantage of their parents. Now I can see why that was so threatening to them – they were paranoid and so wrapped up in their own shit that someone objective and normal was a huge threat to their delusions.

      I know what you mean… It happens gradually, though. You see these things creeping into your life one by one, not in some big red flag list of what makes a narcissist. You know?

      • Paula March 13, 2013 at 8:18 am #

        Exactly!! I just knew there was something very toxic about the entire experience and kept blaming myself and believing all the cruel accusations he threw at me. Now I know better. The list makes it easier to come to terms but not any easier to accept. 🙂

        • silkred January 20, 2014 at 6:34 am #

          I would add a complicit peer group to this list – those who can see a narc’ among them acting outrageously but back off and never make any comment on their behaviour – they might privately speak to you in terms of support but they would not make these statements in public – in their inaction they become weak minded facilitators of the abuse

      • lvlyfun January 21, 2015 at 5:02 pm #

        Biggest change with my whack job, was he was the one who hated and couldn’t stand being alone, so he went with me everywhere, and soon everyone was saying I wouldn’t go anywhere without him, rather I COULDN’T go anywhere without him tagging along. It even got so bad at one point, on a drive to a visitation exchange, I stopped at a convenient store, just to act like I was using the toilet so I could whisper a call to a friend. I was running scared. I wouldn’t do anything without this guy assuming or blowing up over nothing. So it got bad, and yeah, they are so good at it, they convince others it’s your codependence not theirs. Insanity at it’s worst and best.

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