The other day I was talking to a friend who is going through a tough time. Like me, he is a people-pleaser. In our conversation he said that he doesn’t even know what he wants in a partner. He is so used to thinking about someone else’s needs that he never thought about his own. I can relate.
As we were talking I realized that I haven’t taken my own advice. I never thought about my top needs and the things I want from a partner. Outside of my one therapy session and this post a few months ago, I haven’t put the kind of thought into it that I should. Is it any wonder then that I wasn’t getting my top needs met? One reason is that I hadn’t even identified them.
So this week I took the time to write down the top 10 things I am looking for in a partner. The 10 things I need in a man are:
- Intelligent – Not necessarily measured by degrees but by being able to hold an interesting, stimulating conversation.
- Sense of humor – It is important to have someone who can make me laugh, who understands my sarcasm, and makes my days brighter.
- Honest/ Truthful – This really should be #1. Someone without this quality who has everything else still isn’t someone who I could have an enduring relationship with.
- Stable & Responsible – These are basically the same thing to me, although I know there is some difference. I need someone who values the same things and is responsible and established. I do not want to “rescue” someone else. I am not interested in anyone who is living with his parents, doesn’t have a job, or is in terrible debt due to bad choices.
- Sexually open – My sexuality is very important. I need someone affectionate who can be free and open with me. I also am a “once a day” woman ideally, and need a man who can keep up.
- Unselfish – I don’t want someone who is selfless to the point of not meeting their own needs (like I have been sometimes), but I do need someone willing to give as much as I do. I want to be with someone who puts me first, who thinks about my happiness, and who doesn’t take advantage of my giving nature.
- A take charge/ aggressive type – I have a strong personality. I need someone stronger. I will not be content for long with someone who is passive, and neither will they. I need a man who is a man, and will make me feel like a woman.
- Emotionally Aware & Open – There is a concept called emotional intelligence, which is “the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions.” After living with someone who only faked emotions and lied about them, I need to be with a man who is able to understand and access his emotions.
- Goals/ Ambition – I don’t really care what the goals are, but I do need someone who is self-motivated and knows what he wants.
- Someone who challenges/ pushes me – I know myself, which means I know that I have a tendency to pour myself into other people, procrastinate, and not do everything I should. I need someone who will encourage me and challenge me mentally, emotionally, and with life in general.
I think it’s a good list. I also think that it’s very do-able. My husband didn’t have any of the things on my list except maybe a sense of humor – limited and juvenile as it was. That’s what you get when you don’t know what you’re looking for – someone who isn’t right for you. Next time around I’m going to be more aware of my needs. What would make your top 10 that I didn’t include?