Tag Archives: Birthday

His Birthday is Tomorrow…

14 Aug

… and I’m in a funk.  We are barely speaking right now.  Turns out he finally picked up his prescription yesterday after threats from me and a night on the couch.  He apologized for his reaction and said that he hopes to get things under control.  Somehow it really doesn’t feel like a victory.  He also went to an IC session, which he said was available at the last-minute.  I have no idea what they talked about, and I am losing the will to even care.  I have to remind myself of the truth that he isn’t reliable right now.  I can’t feel safe if I’m depending on him to make me feel that way.  It’s just sad.

Image – © Caroline’s Cakes / Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license

I am okay today: not great, but not miserable.  I am finding it hard to get back into the swing of working.  I have deep feelings of avoidance.  I look at the things on my desk and in my inbox, and that’s it…  I only look.  I have a few phone calls to make, some interviews to line up, and a bunch of miscellaneous things to take care of, and all I want to do is crawl in a deep, dark place to be alone with my thoughts and a few good books.  It’s not a very celebratory feeling.  I have no idea how tomorrow is going to play out.

I have to focus on today, though.  One moment at a time.  I need an S-Anon meeting pretty bad.  I should have gone to one last night, but the one on Mondays is about 45 minutes away.  Instead I read.  I bought about 10 new books over my vacation and have been making swift progress through them.  They are fun, light, and have absolutely nothing to do with infidelity or codependence.  Reading has been a great escape.  Today I’m going to do a little more reading.  I also wore one of the new shirts I bought on my outlet shopping trip.  I feel pretty and polished.  But also very funk-ish.  I know that isn’t a word, but I don’t care (I’m sensing a theme here).

Sorry for the dark mood and depressing post…  It’s just about all I can muster.  I don’t even get a good lunch break today because I have to go to a meeting that I’m not looking forward to.  I think his birthday tomorrow is just weighing everything down.  I have been preparing for a month now at least.  I was very excited.  There are presents and fun plans.  I’m just not invested in them anymore.  I’m trying to find my happiness, but it isn’t bubbling up to the surface.  I think maybe that’s okay sometimes.  Being authentic entails an entire spectrum of emotions, and I’m at peace with that.

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

– Lewis Carroll

I have a confession to make…

30 Jul

I have a problem.  With shopping.  Most of the time I can control it.  In fact, 85% or more of the time you would think the opposite – that I am tight-fisted and even downright cheap.  The majority of the year I don’t buy myself a single thing – not one piece of clothing, not even a soda or bag of peanuts at a convenience store – nothing.  I save nearly every extra penny that I have.

The normal exception to the rule is the month or two leading up to Christmas.  I generally can’t control myself when it comes to buying gifts for the people that I love.  I have always prided myself on thinking things through and finding the perfect gift for each person – something they would treasure, something that fits their personality or interests, something they have probably wanted but just didn’t splurge on for themselves.  I would also make sure that all of my gifts were wrapped up really pretty and had a special feel.  No cop-out gift bags allowed!  Sometimes half of the fun is unwrapping a gorgeous gift, anticipating what may be inside, and seeing a peek, just the corner, before revealing the prize.

The last few months, though, I have blown all of that out of the water.  I made my Christmas spending last year look like a minor blip.  Even at Christmas-time I usually don’t raid my savings.  I’m just not putting all of my spare cash in there like normal.  This time around it is a whole new ballgame.

Here are some examples.  In the last month and a half I have spent probably $400 at Victoria’s Secret alone.  Yeah.  Damn you semi-annual sale!  I have spent $530 at my chiropractor and need a “refill” for my next 10 adjustments of another $530.  I spend a few hundred on a new tattoo and piercing, and I plan to spend another few hundred on another tattoo soon.  I have spent over $1,000 on my diet products and paraphernalia (scales – both for food and my body, shakes, juice, diet drops, multi-vitamins, specialty products like coconut oil, green tea, etc.), not counting the food.  Eating healthy is way more expensive!  I am the queen of deal sites like Groupon, Living Social, Woot, and others.  I have spent money on t-shirts, kitchen gadgets, clothes, shoes, and more.  When I see something I like or want, I just buy it.  I have never been like this ever.

My husband’s birthday is also coming up really soon.  He isn’t someone who does a lot for birthdays (a point of contention with us in the past), so he also doesn’t expect a lot.  He would be happy with a “Happy Birthday” and a kiss.  I just cannot accept that.  I have to do more.  It is a compulsion.  I don’t even know how much money I have spent already on his birthday, mostly because I don’t want to know.  Everything I have gotten he will use, he will love, and he has either talked about wanting or fits in with his current interests.  That’s not really the point, though, is it?

This is a new experience for me.  It is a new feeling.  Not caring how I spend my money, getting whatever I want, indulging myself, splurging without guilt.  Well, not entirely without guilt.  I wouldn’t be writing this otherwise, right?  I know I am worth it, but does really mean I need to spend it?  I know the answer is a resounding “no.”  Still, when I get a new email from Victoria’s Secret or Yankee Candle or Amazon, I can’t help but look.  And when I find that next thing I want, I may just go ahead and buy it.

When I take a hard look at all of this I know it is just another way to make myself feel better.  It’s a self-esteem thing as much as it’s about the “stuff.”  Do I really make myself feel better in the long run by spending money?  No.  Because at heart, I am a saver.  I feel good when I have security.  When I have a “back-up plan.”  When I can open up my savings book and see a lot of zeros.  At the same time, it does feel good to be a little out of character.  To think about myself first, for once, and not worry about “what ifs.”  It feels nice not being the “responsible one” all of the time.  Now I can see the draw of being a bit reckless and rash.

I think what I need to find is a little balance.  Some moderation.  I’ve officially decided that I am done with my shopping for Mr. Mess’s birthday.  I also deleted an email from Victoria’s Secret this morning without checking out the cute dresses that they have on sale right now.  I am trying to stop when I have the urge to buy and see what’s really behind that impulse.  Feel whatever it is I am feeling.  Give myself an hour and see if I still want it.  So far so good.

I don’t think I’m going to go a year anymore without buying anything for myself, though.  That’s too frugal.

I need balance… Just not this kind.

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