Tag Archives: zombies

There’s No Coming Back From the Dead

27 Feb

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I was reading the post of one of my favorite bloggers when I had an epiphany of sorts.  Her last few posts have been about trust, which you know is on my mind a lot.  In the post Reflections on trust, she talks about all the ways her husband’s lies have affected her and made her feel devoid of value.  She went through 20 years of being lied to.  It blows my mind.  Still, some people who comment on her blog seem to think that she should devote more time to waiting around for her husband to magically change.

One went so far as to say,

“A trauma that taught him as a child to lie and keep secrets. Just because he has a grown mans body, a job, kids and a wife does not mean that he was ever taught to tell the truth. Do do what we are taught as children, it carries over into adulthood. You know I’m not making excuses for H’s affair, it was wrong he knew it was wrong but he was doing what he learned as a child. Now he’s trying to unlearn those behaviors, it’s not going to happen over night… Don’t punish him for what he IS doing.”

That literally made my blood boil.  It’s not going to happen over night?  Give him more time?!  That’s your advice?!  He was screwed up as a kid, he wasn’t taught to tell the truth, he’s just doing what comes naturally to him, so… what?!?!  She should just accept that?  Learn to live with it?  Wait some undetermined, potentially indefinite period of time for him to MAYBE, POSSIBLY LEARN to have a conscience and stop being a lying piece of shit?!?!?!?!?!  Disregard the 20 years of lies?  Forget about all these months he spent as an unremorseful ass?  Push aside the fact that he may not be in love with her at all and just keep hanging onto a dead marriage…? Because he did two decent, minimal things and made a few short-lived gestures?

What about the possibility that there is no change coming down the road…?  What if there is no fantastical, happy ending?   What if there is no pot of gold?  Maybe he is just broken.  Irreparably.  Maybe he will be a lifelong liar.  Maybe there just really is no hope for their marriage.  Have those people stopped to consider the fact that she isn’t obligated to continue being dragged around in the mud behind him?

Maybe they have and maybe they haven’t.  I guarantee that they haven’t had a moment where the switch flipped and they just knew that it was over.

I know how much lies can just destroy your soul.   Lies can literally kill any love that you had for someone.  I reached a point with my husband’s lies where that one more lie was just too much to handle.  That only took 5 years for me.  I can’t imagine the hell of being with someone emotionally closed-off from you who has been actively lying for 20 years!  It blows my mind.  She deserves a medal for toughing it out as long as she has so far.

Another thing I know those commenters don’t understand is that there comes a point where there really is no return.  No more “waiting” for the other person to make a change that will be too little, too late.  Once I turned that corner and flipped that switch, it was over.  Done.  No turning back.  There was a moment when I knew that there was no recovery, no making the marriage work.  I even tried to fight against it a little, but it was hopeless, even for me.  Once you have crossed that line, an impenetrable wall goes up and that’s just it.

It is hard to describe that moment to someone who hasn’t had one.  There isn’t an overwhelming feeling of hatred or spite.  In fact, the presence of those emotions for me meant that I was still hanging on to him in some way.  That moment of letting go, feeling the relationship die, it didn’t make me want to scream and yell and kick.  It was just a gentle click.  In that moment I lost all ability to feel much of anything for him besides vague pity, lingering hurt, and a deep desire for it to be over and to no longer have him in my life.

I can say with absolute honesty that my husband could do everything I ever asked of him, worship the ground I walk on, and never tell me a single lie for the rest of his life, and it wouldn’t matter.  I could have assurances that if he even uttered one false word he would be struck dead in his tracks.  He could never cheat again, never watch one more second of porn, never so much as look at another woman. He could make every dream I’ve ever had come true.  He could hit the lottery and win millions.  None of it would matter.  Nothing he could ever do would be enough to get back the love I once had for him.

He murdered that with his lies.

He destroyed it with years of half-truths, gaslighting, and hiding his true emotions and feelings from me.

Like I wrote in my post, I’m Getting Tired of Talking About Lying, I got to a point where I was tired of being lied to, tired of wondering what the truth was, and tired of expending emotional energy on the same thing over and over.  He was too broken, and I could not wait around anymore.

That moment for me came when he lied about STD testing and health insurance.  That is when he killed any chance we ever had of being together.  That was the final “click.”

The love just shriveled up and died.

Just like people, love can’t come back once it’s dead.  Even if it could, it would be a zombie – undead, cold, feeding off of the flesh of anyone close to it.

I don’t want zombie love.  I want the real thing.

Viral-Zombies

Using My Imagination

9 Jul

Here’s another set of odd and random questions from the folks over at Sunday Stealing.  I haven’t done one of these in a while, and don’t have a lot of time for a full-fledged post.  So here are the answers to a few strange and silly questions.

1. Ocean or pool?
Pool without a doubt.  The ocean is so salty.  And cold.  And filled with fish and poop and sharks.  Plus, I always end up with sand in my bathing suit and that is virtually impossible to wash off with just one shower.

2. Fridays or Ruby Tuesdays?
Ruby Tuesdays because of their salad bar.  I love salad bars.  No one can make me a salad quite like I can do for myself.

3. Did you want to go to college?
I always wanted to go to college eventually.  I’m pretty glad that I decided to delay it for a few years to travel around and get myself settled and independent.

4. What did you do the last time you were at a mall?
Went shopping…  What else is there to do?  I hit up the Yankee Candle semi-annual sale and got some great deal!

5. Do you believe in aliens?
No.  Absolutely not.  Zombies I can fathom.  Aliens, not so much.  Waiting for proof on that one.  There are just too many factors that have to be exactly perfect in order for a planet to sustain life.  We haven’t found anything close to that in the light years and light years of space and galaxy after galaxy that we have documented.

6. Why do you like the music you do?
Because it’s good.  Duh.

7. Do you read much?
All of the time.  I do need to find some more time for myself to just relax and enjoy a good read again.  I’m waiting on a few books to arrive via mail very soon.

8. Favorite country?
Hmmm…  That’s a tough one.  My favorite country that I’ve been to so far is tied between Switzerland and Austria.  They were so magnificent.  The beauty of the land, the history, the food, the people, the music, the entertainment…  All spectacular!

9. What is something you wish you were better at?
Flying.  I wish I was way better at flying.  I can never seem to get off of the ground no matter how hard I try.

10. What’s your favorite album/CD?
I don’t really have one “favorite.”  My favorites at the moment (a.k.a. the ones that I play over and over in my car) include Adele(especially Someone Like You and Rolling in the Deep), Katy Perry (especially Firework and Part of Me), and Hunter Hayes (especially Storm Warning and Wanted).  In celebration of our recent holiday, here is a video of Firework:

11. What’s a good dinner order?
Fried rice with beef, hot, from Pad Thai.  Or maybe (like I had last night) soft beef chimichangas and cheese dip from Mexico Restaurant.

12. Planes or boats?
Can I pass on both?  Planes would be 100 times better if it wasn’t for the crazy lines and ridiculous TSA regulations that basically require me to be viewed naked by some perv behind the scanner screen.

13. One rumor that’s been spread about you:
That I’m gay.  I’m actually bisexual.  Not all rumors are false.  😉

14. Who is your newest friend?
Samantha Baker over at Repairing Shattered Pieces.  She and I have been blogging buddies for a few months, but we just met in person on Saturday.  It was a great time.  We really connect and can talk about anything.  It was definitely well-worth the hour trip up to see her.  We are already planning our next meeting.

15. Have you ever sat on a rooftop?
Yes, I have.  It was wonderful.  I went up on the roof of our house out in the country to help my Dad nail up some new shingles after a storm.  It was a breath-taking view, and I loved working alongside my Dad and feeling the breeze on my face.

16. Was your last text useful?
Yes, it was.  I asked someone a question.  Although I still haven’t gotten an answer back, it was a useful question that I need to know the answer to in order to make a decision.

17. Favorite soda?
7-Up.

18. Do you like yourself?
Yep, I sure do.

19. The worst weather: Hot or cold?
Both.  I like it in-between.  The perfect day is a mild spring or fall day in the 70s.  The blistering hot weather we’ve been having lately (well over 100 for weeks now) paired with the brutal humidity and insane heat indexes (115?  Seriously?!) is almost unbearable to be out in.  Conversely, I hate being cold.  Even worse is cold and wet in the snow and slush with a chance to fall on my ass because of black ice.  No thanks!

20. Do you play an instrument?
I pseudo play the guitar.  I can play basic cords and rhythm.  I can also play a few songs on the piano if you give me all day to practice and some sheet music.  My real instrument is my voice, though.  I’m currently having a tattoo drawn up of a vintage microphone.  It will have music notes swirling around it and be done in gray-scale.  Here are a few inspiration photos.

Anti-Zombie Strongholds for Sale

9 Jul

Anti-Zombie Strongholds for Sale.

How cool are these houses?  I love the Nuclear Missile Silo Home in Saranac, NY.  Check out this sucker:

And it has a hot tub?!  So cool.

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