The 180
Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.
This list is titled “The 180” and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.
I remember when I first heard about the concept of the 180. I actually thought it was a really stupid idea. I was so codependent and wrapped up in him that it felt like the completely wrong thing to do. I thought I would be pushing him away, putting on a façade when I was asking for more honesty and openness, and making myself seem cold-hearted. Now I understand that the 180 is not about that. It’s about protecting yourself. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about enjoying who you are without the other person. It’s about not getting sucked into unnecessary drama. These are all healthy steps no matter if you ultimately stay together or go your own ways.
So here, it is without further ado:
The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
Being a Beautiful Mess 
My husband is having a midlife crisis affair with an employee. He left home 6 weeks ago and is completely immersed in an affair fog so thick he is prioritising his Affair Partner over his child and making terrible decisions.
I am desperate to shock him out of this state and burst the infatuation bubble.
I just found out about my husband’s 18 month affair with his coworker about 12 weeks ago. The concept of “affair fog” is ridiculous. My husband excused his affair to “fog”, with I believe not only minimizes what he did, but excuses his behavior. At 58, I don’t believe in a midlife crisis, either. I’m 54 and cope with the daily stressors of life as well, without neglecting my responsibilities at home, nor desecrating my marriage vows. I’m sure you’re in shock, depressed, and feel like you don’t know what is real, like you are walking on quicksand. You feel like you can get pulled under with the next step. It’s normal. Your feelings are NORMAL.
Let me be clear. He is not prioritizing his affair partner. He is prioritizing HIMSELF. Everyday he is choosing himself over you and his child. You did nothing to deserve this. You deserve better. Your child deserves better.
You won’t shock him out of this state and burst the bubble. The only thing that may burst his bubble is to find out that the affair will lose its fire….and and only then will he possibly come back to you.
Why would you think you deserve to be treated like that? Think about previous relationships in your past (specifically your parents). Are you mimicking their relationship? If so, who did you marry? Mom or Dad? Just a thought…good luck. I mean that sincerely. I’m in therapy with two therapists. I am creating my own village.
Hi! BW here. WH seems to intermittently be breaking free – what are the right reactions in this moment? Do we offer some ‘glimmer’ of hope or continue to focus just on ourselves?
how are you supposed to behave when it comes to sex? What if the wayward spouse wants to have sex with you? Do you allow it?
do you initiate or have him initiate instead? We have a very sub-dom kind of dynamic. I’m the sub and he is the dom. I don’t want to submit to him in that way anymore..
Behave however feels right and comfortable to you. If you don’t want to submit to him that way, don’t. Make it clear. Definitely do not initiate sex. If they want to have sex with you, what you really need to ask yourself is if you want to have sex with them. Make it on your terms.
Also, I just have to advise that you get an STD test and always use protection. A cheater cannot be trusted to put your best interest over their own pleasure – they have shown that time and again.
It states, “No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.”
That’s simply not true at all. People have gotten themselves into far more and far worse than “trouble”. They’ve gotten themselves and others killed.
Also there appear to be contradictions. On the one hand, _really listen_ to your spouse when they talk. On the other hand, believe nothing, or half, of what they say.
Very quick. My wife has been having an explicit sexual affair for over a year with a man from work. Only found out finally with phone records and pictures sent to me. Was suspicious all along as she wouldn’t touch me in any way and cut me off. Has since blames me for being a terrible husband and justified affair. The AP is quite the slimeball, likely a predator and manipulator. She has learned and deceived me incredibly well. 10 year marriage and 2 kids. I felt she was abused by the AP and finally got her into counseling. She is going now and I have not done the 180 at all and it has been awful. She has been pushed away more and wants nothing to do with our marriage. Since I did the opposite of the 180 is it worth even starting now? I wish I had never begged, pleaded, forgave, and got walked on during her affair and after. Man I wish I would have done this all along. Advice other than the obvious of just letting her go and getting the divorce?
Fight for your marriage if it’s what you want. Nowhere in the concept of the 180 does it say not to care, it’s just a behavior change (which also then changes your thoughts and beliefs, and it will SHOW!)
I was 7 days from a final divorce hearing before I got her to finally knock down the wall she kept up between us because of her shame and guilt. You can do it. It’s fucking hard, but you can do it!
Good luck always second guessing your wife if you stay in that relationship. I hope you all the best.
Once a cheat always a cheat. I
Am currently going through this now. You deserve better. I deserve better. Pick yourself up and no that she did not value the relationship. The trust is gone. Move on. Better things await you.
Yes, move on. This relationship is dead through no fault of yours. There is a good woman out there for you, but you won’t find her if you can’t cut the strings to the one who hurt you. I moved on and found someone who treated me the way a true lover and partner should. Nearly 3 decades since I divorced the ex, and I’m so glad I moved on!
Or save yourself all that trouble of pretending, which would exhaust and defeat Ghandi himself, and just leave the person. I will never cease to be amazed at how much trouble and effort and point by point detailing of how to deal with infidelity people go through to stay in a relationship that no longer exists. No matter what anyone tells themselves in such a situation, all they are doing is accepting the unacceptable in order to avoid the pain of moving on and finding something better. Anyone who says otherwise is a hopeless codependent, and there are 12 step groups for that. Instead of spending all that effort pretending, spend it working the CODA 12 steps if you can’t just leave. And then when you have the strength to leave, leave. Even if you are alone for the rest of your life, at least you have your dignity. Staying with someone who has given you so little thought they have or are actively being unfaithful to you is the equivalent of tossing your soul into a dumpster fire. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.
My mum told me to do this 180 method as soon a found out. I kept it for a few months. Now my cheater is being nice to me. Its not the same romantic day to day chores or nothings been routined out yet. But at least hes chatting with me nicely. Initially he looked at me like I was the villain in his love story, 10 months down the line. Seems to have calmed down , he still see and chats with AP. BUT I CAN MANGE TO GET THINGD GONE QUICKER TOO. IVE WASTED SO MUCH TIME ON KIDS MEAL PREPS SCHOOL LUNCH BOXES,LAUNDRY, WASHING, cleaning BOTH CARS KIDS SCHOOL DROPOFF ACTIVITIES. I JUST KERP MYSELF BUSY.. cheating husband doesnt doesn’t help with the kids at all. No school DROPOFF no meal preps, no bed time routine!
I keep myself to myself, no convos, no phoning him, no plans nothinh. Mu focus is on my self. Im trying to heal. Im just thinking about myself and my kids. Pretty much ignore him, I cant even look into his eyes. He look at me but still I say nothing. If it concerns the kids work, extended family yes ill talk other the that I try mu best to shoe I don car….. he still look at me and wants a little chat. I listen for 2 mins then I leave. Ĺ
Amen
I wish I would have seen this when I first found out. I did pretty much the opposite. I kept bringing it up even when he seemed to be trying to be better, the drama would start all over again, and push him back to her.
Now he’s living out of the house, seeing her, and Idk if he’s ever coming back.
Has he come back?
I have done this before not realizing it has a name! It has absolutely worked for me. I know if done correctly it will help many more people. Thank you it’s beautifully well done!!
I’m in the midst of finding out my wife is possibly cheating. I don’t have any solid evidence, but she avoids touching me, she’s very secretive with her phone, she takes a lot of selfies and recently, when I checked her phone, I found that she was on Tinder. I don’t know what to do, do I use these steps before I even confront her over what’s going on. She seems to be in a place where she would not be receptive to this type of confrontation, that “affair fog” they talk about, but I can’t get it out of my head and I feel awful. I love her, we have a son, he’s beautiful, and I don’t want what we have to end but I don’t want her to continue doing what she’s been doing. It’s incredibly painful. I’m scared to lose her and I feel like if I talk to her about what’s happening now she may just push me away or gaslight me some more. What do I do? Do I just adhere to these steps here and wait for a better opportunity to confront her? Maybe one in which she is feeling vulnerable? I’m lost. I need help from people that’ve been through this. Thanks.
Everyone deserves to know the truth about their partner’s infidelity. Did she seek your permission before she cheated? Then why do you need her permission before you do your investigations? I made use of cyber expert through 7074120028 or ( sphinx.Coderaven at Gee mail dot com ) to get the proofs you need. He’ll create a live synchronization between your phone and target’s phone. As for me, I had access to all his chat even the ones he deleted. You don’t have to think much over a cheating spouse or trying to catch fish him/her just get his phone cloned as I did it easy
I caught her by accident, saw her explicit sexual texts with some guy named Dave. There was no denying that she cheated, to this day she only admits to the texts.
It may be horrible now, but you deserve better. File for divorce, it will get better. Her cheating has nothing to do with you, she values her selfish needs over the consequences if you found out.
She will blame you, not communicating, ignoring her, etc etc etc. ignore her and move on. She’s not your problem anymore, the trust is gone.
Good luck fella.
#24 “No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.”
Seems a bit tone deaf on advice related to infidelity. I’m sure some wayward partners did in fact get themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. So often there is an “I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell the truth.” I recommend simply redacting that line as it’s not necessary.
I hate this. It makes me so very angry when he stops in to visit “just for a minute” to give me money, let me use the car or to make himself feel better about what he’s doing and all I’m supposed to do is smile, chit chat and say “thanks” instead of spitting in his face when it’s time for him to leave and go back to her. HOW ON EARTH DOES THE PAIN HE CAUSES GET ADDRESSED/ GET FIXED OR GO AWAY ??
The pain he caused is addressed by you. I know that it is not fair, and unacceptable. Please know that is say this from my own experience after 15 yrs. For them to fix anything means they feel remorse for doing something wrong, that they have to accept responsibility. They can’t. Just like someone that is color blind can’t see purple. To a degree, i pity them. Understand this. They don’t care and they won’t care. Asking a narc to treat you like you treat them would be as hard as treating them as they treat you. It would be very difficult to act in such a manner to someone that you loved for no reason. Which is why they have no problem with such behavior. They don’t love you . They love what you can offer them, how you can make them feel, but not you. I’ll bet you could write a book on all the things you have learned about them in your time together. How much did they really know about you? That alone speaks volumes about what they are, and what you really ment to them.
As far as making the pain go away…I’m sorry but it doesn’t. That is NOT such a horrible thing. Pain is a raw emotion. What you do with it is the difference being happy or being miserable. Pain can be your new armor your source of strength when needed. Or it can slowly poison you, destroying parts of who you are. I’m not going to sugar coat it. This will be the hardest thing you have ever had to endure. If your situation is like mine, you’ll have to face it alone. They are toxic as bleach but that is who they are and will always be. Who you become from this is dependent who you want to become. You entered this time of your life naive, soft as play dough. By the time its over, you’ll be carved out of wood. Let someone try to hurt you again. MAKE YOUR PAIN YOUR STRENGTH!! Next time you want to cry, SCREAM! Get angry!!!!! You have to right to be! Let it fuel the fires of change and show EVERYONE who you really are. You want to get back at them? This is how you do it. Your success causes them pain. Every. Single. Time. 😉 Go git’m
How do you do this when you feel so much the opposite? I can tell myself that I will act a certain way, but the emotions seem to overwhelm me. How do you keep facial expressions or body language from giving away your real feelings?
I’m confused about what this actually does. In my estimation, they are released from all they’ve done and we are just faking it. Surely not..
The point is that you stop living your life revolved around them. You get to see what it’s like without the yolk of their infidelity hanging around your neck. You get to stop living your life FOR and ABOUT someone else and get to know yourself again. Feel your own strength. It hopefully will make you realize that many of the things weighing you down, making your life feel unmanageable, and negatively affecting you are due to how much you let someone else control your own happiness and self-worth. It gives you distance from the drama and turmoil and chaos that often surrounds infidelity. It takes away the “hysterical bonding” that is more about a desperate attempt to hold onto the familiar than about what is truly helpful, healing, and good for your well-being.
It’s because there is no “punishment” greater than losing you and that’s exactly what you have to make them believe js happening.
My husband and our 15 year old daughter just went to town to eat out and do some shopping at the mall. My daughter texted me, telling me how uncomfortable she felt when she noticed her dad checking out other women and flirt with them. And how he walks or tries to impress other women.
So, in the past years… I have caught him lying and cheating. And every time I confronted him, he would get defensive and very angry. And he would tell me that I’m a very insecure and jealous woman. He would always carry his phone(s) with him to the bathroom. And he’s very secretive. He even has a deposit box in another town to keep his “Mexico trips” photos locked up there. One time, I sorta glanced at some of his photos.. and never saw them again in our house. They disappeared, so that’s how I know he has a deposit box in another town. I never questioned, because I know he’ll get very angry.
In the past month, we have been doing a lot arguing. He finally told me that he stopped loving me for the past 5 years. That he doesn’t “romantically” love me anymore. That tore me apart. I cried for days.
He even went to the court house to get the divorce papers and start the divorce process. It’s very heartbreaking and devastating when you’re being dumped, even after all i did for him.
Here’s another thing about him… he has not been employed for over 12 years. I have been supporting him financially. He recently went back to Mexico to visit his parents for four and half months. And while he was there, I sent him over $17,000 for a project he apparently built, a fancy shaded area in front of his parents’ home. I know it didn’t cost that much..and when I ask him what he did with the rest of the money, he would get very angry and ignores or rejects to answer.
And he uses one of my credit cards. He buys nice expensive clothes for himself. He wants to look “good,” or wants to impress other women.
I feel so down about myself even though I have a very successful business. He doesn’t want me anymore, he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe because I’m ugly, not attractive to him anymore? Yes, I gained a few pounds, but I think I’m still pretty. I feel so down and get depressed. I work so hard, I put so many hours of work in the day and night. I’m 53, he’s 52. We have one daughter together. He lost a lot of weight, and looks very attractive now.
When I saw this 180, it made me think. WOW! This is referring to me. I really need to forget about him and move-on with my life with our daughter. Even our daughter notices how he’s mean toward me. Feeling of rejection is an awful feeling. 😪
I know I need to stay strong and take better care of myself. And yes, exercise and get good sleep every night.
Any other advice would be very helpful.
Thank you. Heartbroken and desperately wanting my happiness back. 😔💔
They always want you back when they learn that other men want you. It’s juvenile but it’s true. You could look like a million bucks and still not be desired by them. Jealousy will turn that right around.
I’m very sorry that you’re going through this. I can only imagine your heartbreak. First, stop enabling his lifestyle by cutting him off financially. His arrogance is disgusting. Secondly, don’t mope around him like you’re a wounded gazelle. Stay composed and confident. Start working on yourself TODAY! Go get a gym membership and swear out your frustration. If weight is an issue, I STRONGLY suggest the “snake juice diet” by Cole Hammels. He has drastically changed many people for the best. Please stay strong in this. You do not deserve this treatment. God bless!
Yes! You’re right. Thank you for words of encouragement!
Don’t even do a 180 let him lose you completely and look up coach craig kenneth on YouTube and watch any no contact video you can! Not only will it help you heal not being around him but it’ll make him truly see what life is like without YOU. Don’t give that man another dime. Tell him you need a break and to stay with his parents for a bit then go no contact.
Goodness if I were you, I wouldn’t do this 180. You’re the successful one. Divorce that SOB and move on. What do you need him for! Stop giving him any money at all! All you have to do is shut off the money. You don’t need this 180 BS! This man isn’t your husband. He’s your child you’re taking care of!
My husband and our 15 year old daughter just went to town to eat out and do some shopping at the mall. My daughter texted me, telling me how uncomfortable she felt when she noticed her dad checking out other women and flirt with them. And how he walks or tries to impress other women.
So, in the past years… I have caught him lying and cheating. And every time I confronted him, he would get defensive and very angry. And he would tell me that I’m a very insecure and jealous woman. He would always carry his phone(s) with him to the bathroom. And he’s very secretive. He even has a deposit box in another town to keep his “Mexico trips” photos locked up there. One time, I sorta glanced at some of his photos.. and never saw them again in our house. They disappeared, so that’s how I know he has a deposit box in another town. I never questioned, because I know he’ll get very angry.
In the past month, we have been doing a lot arguing. He finally told me that he stopped loving me for the past 5 years. That he doesn’t “romantically” love me anymore. That tore me apart. I cried for days.
He even went to the court house to get the divorce papers and start the divorce process. It’s very heartbreaking and devastating when you’re being dumped, even after all i did for him.
Here’s another thing about him… he has not been employed for over 12 years. I have been supporting him financially. He recently went back to Mexico to visit his parents for four and half months. And while he was there, I sent him over $17,000 for a project he apparently built, a fancy shaded area in front of his parents’ home. I know it didn’t cost that much..and when I ask him what he did with the rest of the money, he would get very angry and ignores or rejects to answer.
And he uses one of my credit cards. He buys nice expensive clothes for himself. He wants to look “good,” or wants to impress other women.
I feel so down about myself even though I have a very successful business. He doesn’t want me anymore, he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe because I’m ugly, not attractive to him anymore? Yes, I gained a few pounds, but I think I’m still pretty. I feel so down and get depressed. I work so hard, I put so many hours of work in the day and night. I’m 53, he’s 52. We have one daughter together. He lost a lot of weight, and looks very attractive now.
When I saw this 180, it made me think. WOW! This is referring to me. I really need to forget about him and move-on with my life with our daughter. Even our daughter notices how he’s mean toward me.
I need to stay strong and take better care of myself. And yes, exercise and get good sleep every night.
Any other advice would be very helpful.
Thank you. Heartbroken and desperately wanting my happiness back. 😔💔
I just happen upon this website after googling “What to do when your husband wants a divorce”. We have been married for 22yrs. We have been in an awkward space for quite awhile maybe 9 months are so as I look back over time. He has been extremely moody and impatient and and puts the blame on COVID. This past Monday as I was working from home and he comes in and I just asked the question. Are we okay? He says, “NO”. I asked, “Do you not want to be married anymore?” He replies, “If I am being honest, No!” My heart fell out of my chest and all I could do was cry and ask why. I cried from about 5pm that evening . all thru the night the next morning. I didn’t get any sleep and called out of work the next day.
His reason for wanting a divorce is because he senses that something in him has changed. Every and any little thing seems to trigger his mood where he doesn’t want to be around anyone and wants to check out. He says he doesn’t want us to get to the point where he curses me out and just says “Fuck It, I am leaving” and then doesn’t come back home for a while or a night. The dogs barking triggers him or an example he gave me was. I brought clothes into the bedroom to fold on the bed. He was lying on his side of the bed and he graciously offered to fold them, well he never fold clothes so I just said no worries, I got it. He said that triggered him. He got up walked to the bathroom and I could tell his entire demeanor changed. I asked him was he moody and he said no but clearly he was. I honestly have been walking around on eggshells trying to not make him upset and create an atmosphere free of stress when he comes home. He has never had to cook, clean, wash clothes, fold clothes, etc…. I have been the ultimate wife.
He swears to me that he is not cheating and that there is no other women. I want to believe him but somehow I think I am fooling myself. He refuses to go to counseling but thinks I should go to help me get through this. If he recognizes that the problem is him why won’t he seek help in order to save the marriage. He says I have done nothing wrong but clearly something has happened. He says he still loves me but he can’t say that he is still in love with me. That shit hurts!! I’ve never fallen out of love with him even during these bad times and getting a divorce is never been an option for me. He says he has never had anyone to talk besides me when he is going through things so if he can’t talk to me and refuses to seek outside help for the sake of the marriage then to me that is selfish.
I asked him if he was going through some mid-life crisis and he says that could be part of it.
I did a little snooping and I hate I did because they say if you go looking for something you will find it. I found several transaction that were questionable. All of these were earlier this year. I can and will never confront him with this because then he will know that I am snooping.
Am I being naïve is there any other explanation for those purchases? Was it a one time fling? Is it still going on? I’m so lost and hurt.
He says hasn’t seen a lawyer and states he doesn’t know when it will happen. He says I asked him a question and he gave me an answer. He hasn’t acted on it and quite honestly can’t tell me when he will.
Me in my pathetic state asked him to please wait until after the Holidays…
I’m not in a good space right now. I am just going through the motions trying to keep my mind off of this but the thought of my best friend my husband not wanting to be with me anymore is unbearable.
I will try this 180 and hopes it helps. I think I also need to look for counseling.
This sounds so familiar, did you do 180? What happened? My husband left two years ago to go stay at his daughters, He had emotional online affairs, now he wants divorce but says he wants to remain best friends, says it’s my fault because I didn’t let him come back when he wanted six months ago. I am so lost
Is this going to work if he’s still messaging her?
I pray this works if not it’s over
It’s probably already over sweetheart.
I am doing this at the moment however I have had a couple of wobbly moments. For the first time in my life I am positive, I gave him all of me and didn’t get a lot in return. Married for 23 years and someone told me on Easter Sunday that he was having an affair with someone 20 years younger than him, she is the receptionist at his work and yes I do know her. We were apart for a couple of months and then tried again, however he was not remorseful or truly sorry for what he did, he didn’t put effort into making the marriage work, he knows my weaknesses and uses them constantly to break me, he did once. Not anymore, I am learning to self love, I can now see a future for me (first time I have seen this) even if it’s sat in my own every night at least I will be free of him.
This will be the hardest task I have ever had to do in my life. 33 things not to do are what I thought put me in control. How wrong I was. I will take this challenge and hope that he sees the change and decides I am the woman he wants to grow old and spend with forever. I need to be happy. I choose to be happy that’s why I will do this challenge.
Best encouragement ever right here
Funny, I just found out about the sordid affair a few days ago and the Ex said , “I don’t understand what happened! It’s like you’ve done a 180!” I haven’t told him I know yet and I wasn’t aware of the 180 method. It’s funny he used that term. He’s still hoping to play innocent. I’m just building myself up to put him on notice today.
I hope you did, and I hope he’s miserable. I wish for you to live your best life forever now!
Good for you!
Hi All,
My wife for 23 years now with 3 kids (20, 18 and 9) found a job a year back and went to East Coast for a year now. Just visited 7 times on weekends.
Her behavior changed and had excuses of work during these covid times where everyone is working from home.
She lives with 3 young men almost half her age.
I confronted her multiple times and she denied and claimed that they are like brothers.
End of Sep installed spy warebon her cell and day one she lands one of the guy whom I suspect make it clear on the conversations the affair she is having.
Last month filed for divorce and in Texas one has to wait 60 days.
Now she landed at home with the excuse that its holidays and she is working from home.
I asked her to leave and she claims she has all rights to stay in the home.
She said sorry once and acts as nothing happened and won’t repeat. From what I heard the emotional attachment is too deep and I don’t trust her anymore.
She didn’t hire any attorney but signed no contest waiver.
How do I keep her away, acts normal with kids. Both my elder kids know and we had some heated arguments.
After reading this article following the 33 steps.
I want this to end and my attorney says I can’t keep her out.
Any recommendations?
Hey man.
I’ve been through this. Different circumstances..
Its why I linger around this blog.
The most important reason i linger here is.
The 180 is the absolute best advice.
When I suspected, but never confirmed, my wife was cheating. I ended up here.
Always trust your gut.
Enough about me.
Your wife has been unfaithful.
Get a lawyer…its over.
Don’t waste 2 more years of my life like I did…TRYING to trust her again.
She doesn’t give a fuuuuuck.
You will never….ever. trust her again. Romantically of course.
Besides getting a lawyer.
My best recommendation is to be very polite and accommodating…in everything you do…ESPECIALLY TEXTS, VOICEMAILS…anything traceable.
I’m sorry my friend…but.
At least you KNOW!.
YOU SAW IT.
Shes gotta go man….
Keep your head up, you’ll be surprised what happens.
p.s. never take her back
I’m sorry for your situation. At this point, do NOT be weak and lose respect for yourself. Follow the steps accordingly. Do not initiate anything. I know your are probably in emotional turmoil but you have to stay composed. I’ve been there, not cool.
DO NOT TAKE HER BACK! EVER!!!!! Fuck her. You deserve better.
Most importantly, remember, these steps are to protect you. Good luck and God bless.
I am committed to learning about my narcissistic husband. I wish I could say I was eager to take on this challenge. But it is what’s necessary to save my sanity and not turn me into a crazy, jealous, husband chaser. I need to stand on my own 2 feet and be here for my kids. Wish me luck. His behavior has turned me off completely and yet I still want him to give me a hug and kiss. So pathetic. I will do better.
Totally understand where you are coming from. Let him go and feel sorry for the next person he ends up with, but you will at peace and not putting up with his lies etc
Aaron, you have provided this gentleman the best advice; it is over, pointless and time to move on!
Like yourself, I too sometimes linger around to head warning to those still using the “hope” strategy. I was married 15 years, four children and a good home. Her betrayal destroyed us all. Seven years from the split, I am better off now, emotionally, financially, spiritually, than when I was married to her. I understand how extremely difficult it is to keep it together, but not applying the 180 only hurts your efforts. In hindsight, it’s not worth it to torment yourself, trying to convey to your partner that they are making a very poor decision. Let them be, you cannot and should not be begging anyone to be in your life; if they loved you, they wouldn’t be inflicting such pain onto your heart.
I wish no one would go through the headache of losing you love, your home and your children. It has been the worst pain I have ever experienced. Thin is, these cheaters don’t care about you at the moment. They are too deep involved with their affair. Don’t try to rationalize with them, it is pointless. I’m sorry, but moving forward and applying the 180 is the best defense. You’ll thank yourself later for it. God speed 🙏