The 180
Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.
This list is titled “The 180” and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.
I remember when I first heard about the concept of the 180. I actually thought it was a really stupid idea. I was so codependent and wrapped up in him that it felt like the completely wrong thing to do. I thought I would be pushing him away, putting on a façade when I was asking for more honesty and openness, and making myself seem cold-hearted. Now I understand that the 180 is not about that. It’s about protecting yourself. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about enjoying who you are without the other person. It’s about not getting sucked into unnecessary drama. These are all healthy steps no matter if you ultimately stay together or go your own ways.
So here, it is without further ado:
The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
Being a Beautiful Mess 
My wife asked for a separation because she wishes to pursue an emotional affair she has been having. She said if it don’t work out that she learns it’s a mistake she hopes I will take her back when she begs. We have been married 12 years and have children who are 6 , 9 and 17. After a week she says she is unsure and needs time to think. We still live together and sleep in the same bed, She is planning to go on a trip to a beach house with prople form her work including the man who she had the emotional affair with. She said she needs the trip for a break that it nothing else and we will go to marriage counseling when she comes back. I don’t trust herI don’t like this trip I want to save this marriage and my family. I think I need to do the 189. Now before she plans to leave in two weeks
Go meet with A divorce attorney ASAP..when she is gone on her infidelity vacation, withdraw Half of the money in all bank accounts. Leave her with exactly half. Open a new bank account only in your name to deposit all your future money.
Take everything that you love or want out of the house and secure in a safe location while she is gone. Have the Divorce attorney draw up divorce papers and have her served the exact day she return home.. While she is gone claim abandonment and have the locks changed and work with your attorney on your rights that apply to your state to bar her from the home. Good Luck brother, she is already gone. You must move on with your life for your own good. There are millions of caring women in the world who will respect you and never treat you like this.
Hey stillhopefull22 – I was in the exact same boat. Very similar story, it ended in disaster. I’m sorry to say that, but 2 weeks ago, my wife left for the guy she was having an emotional affair with. Emointal affairs end up as physical affairs eventually. Please look after yourself. I know its hard, and i know its difficult, but I wished that I had taken a stance and left when I knew what it was. Trust your gut, and if you feel something about this trip, your gut is probably 100% correct. mine always was. every single time. good luck.
I know this is late and all done by the time I post this. But, I would just tell her that if she goes on the trip, I’m filing for divorce. Then pick up the phone and get a divorce lawyer, right in front of her. If she says “Ok, I’m not going.” You still call that lawyer and set up a meeting with just you and him. If your wife says “I said I wasn’t going, why are you still on the phone?” Just tell her the truth, I don’t trust you anymore. We may still be able to work this out. But I want to be prepared if we don’t.” I would also add “besides, if you change your mind, and go on this trip, I am ready and you will never see me again and I will fight for 100% custody of the kids with every bone in my body, every dollar in my wallet, every single drop of sweat from my brow, and with every drop of my blood in my body!”
Love this! Please let me know where I can find this book or audiobook! I most definitely need this!
I’m wondering if the “180” is a good choice for me if my husband has not had an emotional or physical affair with someone else? We are currently separated, 6 weeks today. He’s “unhappy” and going to individual therapy. After we went to a couple of couples sessions our therapist suggested he go by himself and for us to wait to come back as a couple until he’s in a good and positive state of mind and wanting to work and stay in our marriage. He went from saying he didn’t want a divorce 6 weeks ago to saying he doesn’t see it working out now. I’ll admit I did question his feelings, express my hurt, frustration, and want to be with him at times. This made him even more distant. We have a 16month old daughter who we both love dearly. We both have said we still love each other. Our therapist said it’s a communication issue we need to work on. He’s just confused and not knowing what he wants. Will the “180” make him think that I have no want to get back with him? I still care and love for him. I’ve slowly started doing a 180 but worried he will see this as a “I guess she’s moved on and I don’t want to embarrass myself of trying to come back” view. I do agree with the 180 putting ne in a good position individually.
It’s easy to confuse the attitude you show with the 180 with hostility, but that’s not what you should be displaying. It’s more about showing that you are fine with how things are going, because you know you will be fine, no matter how things turn out. That includes a willingness to talk seriously with your husband when he wants to. The 180 is mostly about showing something like indifference. It will make your husband become aware that you are slipping through his fingers, and that he shouldn’t be taking you for granted.
Let me say, I love that you put this in writing! I have been doing my own version of the 180 for the last 2 months since I found out about my husband’s emotional affair. Of course the no response/no temper part hasn’t worked for me (I’m a feisty black woman with a razor for a tongue and a short fuse on my temper). SMH! So, I’m going to work really hard on holding my temper and just not engaging him when he does something stupid that doesn’t make sense. Thanks again!!
You take care lady!
Dont let anyone treat you like 2nd best.
A temper isnt worth it. Just carry on with it.
I’m 10 months from dday and still not sure what to do. I love myself; I also love him and our 5 adult kids (who don’t know what he did). I know I’d be fine without him, but I don’t know if that’s what I want.
Can I have sex with my wayward husband who has affair a month ago?
I would not recommend it. This person BETRAYED you and by sleeping with him now, you’re ONLY sending the message that he can do on to you anything he wishes, without consequences. I know this is painful, I’ve been through it. But you need to love yourself more than you love him. Have respect and dignity for yourself.
What can I do,
I don’t have job and he said he stop sleeping with that woman and he said he still love me. We knew each other almost 28years, do I suppose to believe him? And thank you so much.
Apologies for the very late reply. I hope you are well. Listen, you’re emotionally wounded and charged. You thinking that you are limited in your choices is just you fearing the unknown. I get it, I understand. But the damage is done. No going back to the way things were. I landed here four years ago, a wounded gazelle like you are now. My mind at the time was very clouded from heartbreak. Like yourself, I could not see a future without her. Heck, I would even try and convince myself that “we” could get past this. Only you can decide what you will do. I”m not sure what your situation is at this point but I do hope you are better. 28 years with each other is a very long time, now think how much more resentful you’d be if you forgave him now and this came up again years down the road? Just something to think about. I’m glad she’s gone, and I’m glad that I no longer feel that I “need” her. I am now doing better for myself. In fact, I’ve never felt so much peace in my life. Yes, I do miss what I had in my marriage, but I don’t miss the shit she put me through. Makes it all worth it to be alone and happy than to be with someone who makes you feel miserable and lonely. I hope you are well…
I new my wife was up to something, but until I had 100% I continued to live in denial. We have three small children and the thought of divorce terrified me (plus I still loved her). I trusted my gut and began spying on her (not proud of that). I finally saw a text that removed all doubt. Not only had she hooked up with this guy a few times, she told him she wanted them to be more friends with benefits. What hurt me even more was that she was inviting him to a work function, so she trying to make it into more of a relationship. We had not been intimate in a long time and I was giving her her space and being supportive, well this how she responded. I only found out a few days ago and have not said anything to her yet. I am still processing everything and thinking how best to respond. I am beyond devastated and not sleeping much. I seriously considering the 189 if nothing else to get my dignity back. Does the plan advocate confronting the cheater or am I to act as if I don’t care and go about living my life, trying to be a better me?
Thank you
The damage is done and things will NEVER be the same. Trust me, your story is very similar to mine. The worse thing you can do now is beg, cry or whatever makes you look seriously needy. I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you something better. We were married for fifteen years, have four young children too.
I want you to stay focused and start preparing for divorce. She WILL turn on you, just like my ex-wife did. Pretend all is good and go see an attorney to know what your options are at this point. Work on yourself, exercise, pick up a hobby, hang out with friends or family. Just don’t be needy and desperate. She’s already checked out, you’re best bet is to prepare for what’s ahead. Again, I’m so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through.
Thanks for your response. We had a huge melt down two years ago. I saw a lawyer and got the facts, it scared the hell out of me. She is an alcoholic and she spiraled downwards pretty badly. She eventually got a dui and got help, after that things were good for us for awhile, but we left some things unresolved. That was two years ago and the guy she is now seeing was someone she met during that time period. My biggest fear is losing my kids.
No one can ever take your place as a father. Your job now is to protect them for any emotional issues that will arise with this mess. Be there for your children, they will reward and thank you for it later on. I stopped dating because I now only want to focus on my kids. I saw how much their mom was neglecting them, I didn’t want to see them suffer any further. My ex was more worried (and still is!) about her “happiness”. But whatever, let your ruin herself, just don’t let her take the kids down with her. Good luck my brother, I’m praying for you.
Thank you
Jesus Man grow a set.. R U kidding me… You Now KNOW she had sex with another man. Go speak with a divorce attorney in your state and start make covert plans to get out now. Do everything to protect yourself and the kids. She is treating you like a beta cuck because you are acting like one. Follow the 180 and file for divorce. Good luck
I’ve been applying the 180to my wayward wife. Discovered 4months ago she has been having a physical and emotional affair with a guy she met – bizarre thing, much poorer and older guy. ILYBANILWY plus she has found her soulmate etc. She failed to commit to counselling, and my boundary was broken: she’s moved out of our bedroom, she had to stay home instead of a nice holiday with me and the kids. I have got fit, done fun things for myself etc. But goddamn – next boundary is being broken and my consequence was that we would head for divorce. I’m so totally gutted, especially for my young kids. Feels like the 180 has really helped me mentally, but I’m facing into the hardest moments of my life. Will financially wreck what’s been an amazing quality of life… my previous selflessness has been totally thrown back at me with the utmost immature selfishness.
Sometimes the point of the 180 is to get you mentally prepared for facing life without your partner. You can’t change her mind for her, but I hope you can see your strength and worth and know that you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Your kids also deserve to grow up in a house with healthy relationships. Although it will be tough for them, at least they will see how strong you were and how you enforced your boundaries. That is very important.
you are a fucking godamn genius and I want to kiss you
this — precisely this — and not the gushy self help tripe, is EXACTLY what I needed.
i was bad at this when it happened about 3 weeks since he left i handled badly, is it too late. i am not even sure he woudl notice if he did not hear from me. since he told me why would i need to contact him and said bad things to me
I’m on the other side of this, having cheated on my husband. Our marriage was one where I was emotionally neglected, I was competing with his phone and several female friends for his attention, a lot of hurtful things were said by both of us, and him mentioning several times over our 3 year marriage, that he didn’t want me around or I wasn’t fulfilling my wifely duties ( mainly him getting sex more than 2-3 times a week). In essence, due to me feeling generally unloved, unwanted and severely rejected and after trying several times to get him to understand that things were really bad, I made an awful decision to get my needs met somewhere else, to look outside for love. It was never about the sex but about the connection I felt with this person – having someone hold me, tell me how beautiful and smart I was, actually wanting to listen to me.
I realized almost immediately that was a mistake and when he found out about it, he literally begged me to reconsider to not move out. But with the begging there was the berating, the nightly grilling to find out who was the other guy, the pounding down my bedroom door. It was too much and I felt that I needed to run to leave to get away from that hostile environment. I couldn’t admit to anything with that kinda behaviour and tense atmosphere.
Fastfoward to now and he has adopted a cold and distant approach with me. I am the one now begging for him to forgive me, even when I stated I was sorry many times in the beginning of the discovery, after I found us a counsellor and made admissions to him in her presence, after I have tried to help him where possible money wise( even after he destroyed my property), he doesn’t want to have much to do with me- wouldn’t reach out unless I reach out first. Its as if he has given up fighting for this marriage. He says he needs time to figure things out, to process the lies I would have told and that 4 months is too soon for him to want to even start talking to me about the infidelity and working on our marriage. He sounds like he as adopted the 180 approach, and is slowly cutting me out of his life.
Its hard when I’m the one doing all the reconciling, the begging, the pleading, asking for patience and understanding for an indiscretion I deeply regret and yet he would have carried on emotional affairs with several women ( some where he solicited them for sex as I saw in one text) and I would have tried hard to look past these and make efforts to make the marriage work. I feel as if I should be the one doing the 180 with him as well.
I’m fighting for a marriage yet feeling like I have been wronged and shortchanged over the years. Should I even bother trying to fight for this??
Your relationship sounds toxic. Why would you even want to reconcile with someone who was emotionally distant, carried on multiple emotional affairs, is violent, destroyed your property, and neglected you? Why would he want to reconcile with someone who cheated on him rather than communicate or leave, who didn’t push for therapy until after she fucked someone else, and who is complaining about having to make amends? The relationship is over. Let it finish dying.
You have no children? Leave marriage and take care of yourself. Get your life together and get to the point you dont NEED a man/ husband. Be independent and happy. Then you will be ready to share your life with a special man you meet, that also is living this type of independent happy life. Marriage only works if both people are strong in their sense of self. If they rely on the other person to feel ” loved ” needed” then they will be dependent on the other person for happiness. People who are happy and love themselves have lots of love to give freely. Be that type of person and marry that type of person. I wish I had known this before i had kids.
I’ll reserve judgment here & just say thanks for posting this, from the other side of the fence. I’m still in the wailing & gnashing of teeth-phase of a couple weeks after finding out about my girlfriend cheating on me (and in doing so, dooming our 18-month-old boy to the single-parent life for the rest of his childhood).
Your post helps me remember what will almost surely happen a little further down the line with my girlfriend. Thank you for that perspective. Only just found the 180 today so am starting to correct my ways & apply it, but will tread carefully if/when my (ex?)gf starts turning back around as well
Hi, my wife said she was done with our marriage 4 months ago. She said she tried for so long but I made her feel, unloved, unwanted, and worthless. When she told me this I was shocked. I thought I always treated her well. I did everything wrong in the beginning tried to force her to love me and stay. I tried to fix everything but it pushed her further away. She met someone at work and I know they call and text each other daily she says she has feelings for him and cant bring her self to make herself love me again it’s just too painful for her. I have been trying these tips but have slipped up a couple times. Somedays I’m fine but I have my bad days. It just hurts so much we have been married almost 10 years and have two kids. Any advice helps.
Really, truly sorry to hear. unfortunately I’ve been in your exact shoes.
Got the I love you, but not like that anymore…or I love you just not in love with you anymore. Bet you heard one of those two huh.
Truth is more probably something like she’s bored in the relationship with you…..its hard to keep that “spark’ for that long. Iknow.
So shes seeing someone new and its Exciting. I got bad news for her….that’s gonna wear off also. That’s how people end up alone in old age….(on to the next high)
First bit of advice I can give you is to say…its not your fault man. I thought the same thing. Started working out more…eating better…new clothes….cologne. any and everything I thought I could do to be a BETTER PERSON. STOP! you’re perfect as is…its not you that needs to change….its her. I mean unless you were beating her or abusive…then your gonna need to fix that…but I doubt that’s the case.
Trust me I know how heartwrenching it is. It sucks…real bad. World flipped upside down.
This might sound like crap advice…but I read this list (the180) every day. Multiple times a day…became my mantra. I found what this list ultimately does is give you….you back. Your self worth…your identity. It gets you back to standing on your own. Alone OR with her.
Word of caution though…and from where you stand right now this might sound absurd. But you have to think…really truly if you want her back. I know you think all you want in the world is for her to walk back in that door and beg forgiveness…tell you she loves you. That’s how it turned out for me…and frankly I think it would of been better if she had stayed with the other man.
It’s been about a year and a half since she came back. and to say I’ve developed trust issues is an understatement. It will always be there in the back of your mind. Is she really working late…who is she texting….on and on and on…it can/will drive you mad and possibly turn YOU into something you dont recognize anymore. Something/ someone you may not like. I know its hard friend, that’s why I took the time to write all this.
P.S. lean on your friends…break down…let them help you, that’s what friends are for.
You have given the BEST advise possible! I went through the gut-wrenching experience of seeing my 15 year marriage go down the drain when my ex decided she wanted out. And to no surprise, there was another man waiting in the wing. And like you said, that lasted 3 minutes. She’s now on boyfriend number two or three. Pathetic. We have four young children but that still didn’t stop her from monkey-branching her way around town. The key to my revival was exactly what you said, working out, new clothes, hobbies, school and family; it kept me from going insane. She’s still out there trying bto find that mystical unicorn….lol. Anyhow, how soon did your ex-wife come back crawling after her disgraceful behavior? It’s been three years for me. You couldn’t pay me to take her back!
Thank you.
Well, she is still my wife. Took probably 3 – 4 months lol…and I had truly moved on. Which still makes our relationship kinda weird. That’s why I say be careful what you wish for, you just might get it! I think we may have both been better off if I had told her to take a hike lol. Problem is I still loved her…and kinda hated seeing her like that (kinda enjoyed it). That part above about where you’ll develop trust issues and turn into something you might not like anymore…well, that’s me.
How is it for you these few months on? My husband told me Saturday he doesn’t love me anymore. There isn’t anyone else and I am in complete shock. He move out straight away and our kids 14 and 15 are gutted. I am trying to take each day at a time but gosh every morning I wake up feeling anxious and scared. I understand his reasons and honesty but can’t belief that after 18 years of marriage he is not willing to fight for it. He says he doesn’t feel the same any more and that I am like a best friend. Surely this is a good platform to work on things? It’s only been 5 days so maybe he is not ready to see the loses or maybe he won’t?
I’m in that same boat!
“There isn’t anyone else and I am in complete shock.”
Don’t believe it. You may not have discovered the affair, he may not have consummated the affair, but there is someone else. There always is….
I would say there is 100% another woman. His actions scream that. I was in denial when it happened with my husband. All of the sudden one day he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and was looking at apartments. And just like that he wanted out after a decade of marriage. No big event just throwing in the towel. Unfortunately after much denial and ignoring the signs right in front of my face, there is most definitely always another woman.
I’m sorry for the agony this has caused you. I went through something similar a few years ago and let me tell you a TRUTH! You WILL get past this. You WILL come out better. And you WILL be better for it because the experience, as painful as it seems right now, will only do you good, trust me.
At this point, leave your wife alone, let her be. She is out of your control and the only thing you can control is YOURSELF. So go and work on you. Exercise, pick up or get back to a hobby or something that you really like. Listen to motivational videos on YouTube about personal growth (these were REALLY good for my recovery!). Connect with family and maybe even get yourself back to school or so and. The point is, get your life moving forward. She may never come back. But if you think about this, do you REALLY want someone who betrayed you? Guilt tripped you that it was YOUR fault that let her into another man’s arms? NO! That’s BULLSHIT and do NOT accept that from her. She cheated on you and failed to fulfill her vows as a wife. I’m four years out of my marriage. I was devastated! It hurt just to breathe sometimes. I moped around for a good year or. Cried and fell apart almost everyday, while she was out there having the time of her life. We were married 15 years and have four beautiful children together. I’m telling you, I wanted to just die. But one day, I woke up and saw things for what they really were. I began exercising, reading books, changed my look and the confidence I lacked was in me. I felt good, strong and most importantly, I felt ALIVE! The important thing here was that I was focusing on ME and not her. In the, my heart began to heal. I made progress in school and I looked physically solid with my workouts. It’s been a bittersweet journey but I would NOT change anything that I have experienced. Now, I couldn’t give a fuck about her. I don’t wish her well, I don’t wish her bad. I just don’t give back fuck about her. I’ve moved on, have met amazing women and have learned to always out myself first.
If you feel that it’s in your best interest to continue pursuing someone who cast you aside, then go ahead. But I guarantee you, it’s NEVER the same. The damage is done. I would move on. There’s something better awaiting you. Just be patient and don’t go forcing anything.
I hope my story and words help you. You’ll continue experiencing pain in your heart. You’ll continue falling apart. But remember, that this too shall pass.
I hear you, few things in the world hurt more than being betrayed by those you love. Try tip #1 in this article, it should give you immediate relief.
https://lightworker.substack.com/p/how-to-heal-a-broken-heart
Thank you very much for sharing this link. I read it and saved it. It helped immensely! I signed up for her newsletter because her other articles are good too.
Loook a few days ago my girl called me in the morning and asked me is she ugly and I said no and she constantly asking me is she ugly…..and it’s killing me because she keeps asking me that and I give her the same answere….then she asked me is her ex bestfriend cuter than her and she wanted honesty..soo I said her ex bestie was an 8 and she was a 6 but it shouldn’t matter who higher than her because I chose her ….
She set you up, and you fell for it. Should have never rated either one of them.
I’m putting this into action, after discovering yet more lies and overhearing him talking on the phone to a woman he was obviously seeing. Not sure if it’s the same one? It’s been 8 months since I first found out and he assured me it was finished and he wanted us to make a better marriage. His actions haven’t really shown this though. Over the last month I’ve noticed a change in Him that reminds me of his behaviour before I first found out. He point blank denies he was talking to a woman but refused to let me see his phone. “ a matter of principle” apparently. He is seeing a counsellor and suggested after this we see a mc and is looking for one. I have no idea what is going on in his mind. He lives away in the week so has easy access to her and I’m goIng to ask/tell him to stay away at weekends for the next 6 weeks (until his lease runs out). Will suggest we meet for mc and maybe dinner to discuss it. I feel stronger already after reading these. Will keep reminding myself of them daily. Also going to see a counsellor myself for support and advice….
Honestly, she should leave you. I’m going to remove your comment.
This 180 seems like it would be very hard for me to do.
I am 2 years into learning about my husband’s 5 year affair! We never separated and are on our second therapists within the last 4 years…. because we moved.
He is very sorry for what he did and is being great. Only thing is I’m not getting what I want and feel I need. My love language is words of affirmation and physical touch, not just sexual touch. He isn’t good with compliments or praise. These things I feel I need to feel loved and like the only one and queen, so to say, in his life. I’ve been stuck up his ass so far for so long, I’m the one who always initiates sex. I’m feeling like I’m the one kissing his ass when he should lay down and let me walk over him. We both love each other more now than we did in the past and are having fun. But I have very bad days when I feel like I’m not getting what I TELL him what I want and need. I can’t get the visions and questions out of my head no matter what! I was in pain mentally, emotionally and my heart was aching so badly one weekend that I went and took the tips of scissors and cut a word in my forearm to stop the other pain I was having . Now when I hurt I just wanna run for the scissors or a knife.
The games, visions, and questions in my head are killing me!
I want to be done with it already. He can’t stand the pain I’m going trough.
Are you seeing an individual therapist about your self harm thoughts and actions? If not, you should.
Secondly, if you have clearly asked for what you want and he isn’t giving it to you, he’s not great. I also doubt that he is truly remorseful about his actions given the way he is treating you right now. Just because he loves you “more” than he did when he was cheating on your for 5 years does not mean he actually loves you at all. Or more than himself. Or enough that its worth putting yourself through this to stay with him (hint: nothing is worth that). He sounds really awful, and this is NOT healthy for you at all.
Please, please consider leaving him. Or separating. Or at the very minimum, doing the 180 totally and disengaging your happiness and self worth from him. What you’re putting yourself through is unnecessary and counter-productive and is deeply hurting you. And you’re doing it for a lying cheater who refuses to even give you compliments or initiate non-sexual touching and/or intimacy. No one deserves that kind of treatment. Seriously. He’s not great. You need some perspective.
How long do you do the 180
I would guess….until you get the desired result or divorce.
Weird thing you’ll find about doing this is… you’ll start feeling much better about yourself. Things wont seem so bad. It will get better.
My husband and I met 21 years ago, I was 16 and he was 20. We got married 9 years later, we have no children because he never wanted any. Up until we separated and I moved out we lived with his parents, because it was easier for us. I noticed that he started becoming distant in October 2017, right before Thanksgiving we had a talk and he told me that for the past 2 years he had been questioning everything in his life, from his job to our living conditions and marriage. At first he said that there were things he wished I would do more, like cook and clean. The only problem with that is that we were building a garage and adding additions, and all our time was spent working on that. I tried to do as much as I could, but after working during the week and spending a couple hours after work on the garage, and spending sun up to sundown on the weekends doing the same I was exhausted and wanted to rest. He never offered to help, because it was my job to take care of stuff in the house. It was about the same time that he, started acting depressed, he was prescribed meds for anxiety/depression, and he reconnected with a past crush from high school. His moods got worse he started having meltdowns, and there was nothing I could do to help. He never got angry with me and we never fought. We agreed to a separation because he said he needed space and I needed to work on becoming more confident in myself, more take charge. He said that he wanted to remain in contact and he didn’t want me to shut him out. In fact he begged me not to. He said he was thinking about a place of our own (finally!!) and he wanted to make sure he had the right partner. He never rushed me to move, he gave me time to find a place I could afford. He said he wanted to work on his mental issues and then work on us. The day after we signed the separation agreement, I discovered that he had been having an affair with the past crush. He swore that it had only happened recently and that it was only physical once. He told me that he regretted it and that he loved me and he wanted to work on us. I started applying the 180 rules last week, it’s been hard because not once in all the time we were together had he ever given me any reason not to trust him. If you had asked me even 6 months ago if he would be the type of person to cheat on me I would have said absolutely NOT! Now all I want to do is beg him to tell me what went wrong and how can I fix it.
It’s natural to think it’s something you need to do… that you need to change yourself. When my wife stepped out…I felt the same way, and tried “being different” but you can only do that for so long before YOU are miserable… then you’ll both be on depression medication. Best advice I can give is, read the 180 do and don’t every single day. No matter how it turns out, you’ll start feeling much better about the situation. And believe it or not, in time you might start enjoying the single life.
The shine of that affair wears off real quick when no one cares.
I never tried to be different for him, I knew by the time we were talking separation that there was nothing that could be done. In his confusion about his life he honestly believed that a separation was the only solution. He said that because we got together so young, and we are both kind of socially awkward that he wanted to get out and do the things he never had a chance to before me. I think the worst part is the mixed signals. The day after I signed the lease on my apartment, he broke down and cried saying that he didn’t want me to leave, but the day after I saw where he was talking to the OW on messenger. Tonight, he was at my apartment helping me set up my computer (He insists on helping me as much as possible, even when I tell him I can do it myself. I’m not sure if it’s guilt, or his way of apologizing.) and he started talking about how he wanted to bring some of his things over so that when he wanted he could come stay a night or so. He then proceeded to talk about how once he gets his health straightened out he would come stay full time for the remainder of my lease so that we can spend time together out from under his parents roof. I told him to get his health in order and then we would discuss it. Because the week before he was telling me he’s still not sure what he wants. He’s mentioned before that he regrets me moving, but that we are stuck with it until December. I have had some trouble keeping with all the 180 rules, the only rules I seem to stick with best are #1 and #2. I have not contacted him since I left. All contact has been initiated by him, and I have not begged or tried to reason why he is doing this, I want to but I haven’t. I plan on using this as a chance to find myself regardless of what happens. I still don’t know if it’s a midlife affair, or just an affair. I have not asked about the OW, when he tells me what he was doing during the day and I get the feeling that he’s hiding the fact that he was talking or seeing the OW I don’t bring it up. I talk like we’re friends and that is about all I can do without breaking down. Sorry to be so long winded, but this just happened, and I don’t really know if I can talk to any of my friends since they were all his friends first.
Trust me..I got a lot of those mixed signals too. Honestly, the best thing I ended up doing was start moving forward with my life (without my wife) Start making a new life. If he wants to come back into it later, well… think about it then, not now.
I wouldn’t bother asking About the other woman. You won’t get the truth, at least not 100% Chances are you never will. More than anything though. I would say NO DAMN WAY you let him stay in your apartment. So he’s free to come and go as he pleases. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. So he can be with the OW when he wants, or stay with you if he wishes, hell no. Have some respect for yourself. If there was any chance for you 2 to work, he’s gonna need a dose of life without you. Let him see what he’s missing.
Honestly I don’t know if he’ll be missing much. And that’s part of why he originally said that a separation would be good for us. Along with me not being able to do much in the way of cooking and housework which made him question my place as the correct partner in his life, he said that he was getting frustrated with my self esteem issues. When I would call myself worthless, lazy, or stupid, he would always tell me that that couldn’t be further from the truth, but eventually as he started having his own issues, he didn’t want to have to deal with mine as well. It destroyed me to see the messages he sent the other woman. Saying that he didn’t think he would need the meds once I moved out, and he felt like he has been in prison the last couple years and he was finally going to be free. He couldn’t wait to become a part of her family and help her take care of her children (and that’s really a kick in the metaphorical nuts, since he never wanted any before). He would always tell me I was one of the smartest people he knew, now he treats me like I’m the dumbest.
I failed in following the 180 today. He called me and asked if I could meet him at my place, when I got there he was in the process of setting up a Fire Stick for my TV. I just lost it. He’s bought me the Fire Sticks, he insists that when I buy the cabinet for my bathroom that I put it on his credit card (which I still have, as well as a key to the house, and a garage door opener) he keeps telling me that whenever I need something to tell him and he’ll get it for me. And I just couldn’t take it, I asked him why he was doing this. He told me that part of him getting better was making sure I was okay. He still wanted to see me and talk to me and prove to me that he wanted things to work out. I told him that I didn’t believe him. I told him that I felt he was stringing me along and I didn’t like it. That if he wanted to prove it so much to unlock his phone and let me see it. Of course he wouldn’t do that. He is justifying contact with the OW by insisting he still needs her help. She is an RN and with his health problems (and he does have something wrong with him besides the anxiety and depression, but we don’t know what yet) that it is just as easy to contact her and she can get him in to see his doctor right away. I told him that was all the proof I needed and asked him to leave. When he walked out the door I broke down, and he came back in when he heard me and held me, and like the needy pathetic person I am I let him. I just want to feel like myself again.
Great response Aaron
This is awesome..I applied this in 2015 and were still together…Genius! I have been married for 22 years..Thank you Michelle
Hi Vince,
I’m glad this worked for your marriage and hoping you may be able to give me some advice please as I have no one to talk to. Long story short I neglected and took for granted my husband and our marriage (consumed by the grief of losing my Mum, then PND after birth of our 2nd child) so he told me last week that he’s blocked all his feelings for me to protect himself (as I threatened to leave a few times in the throes of post natal depression desperation) and there’s absolutely nothing there. So not just fallen out of love – he feels nothing at all. I might add that he also doesn’t feel like drinking (usually has a beer or 2 most nights) or working and he’s so calm and indifferent even when I have been devastated and yell my frustrations. He’s admitted it’s not like him and said he’s even been meditating a lot via YouTube and looking at star signs for guidance as he’s so confused. That has brought up more issues as I can’t believe he’s thinking of making decisions about our life and family based on star signs.
Sorry for the long story but I really just want to know if you think, in your experience, that the 180 would help me? I’m torn as the main reason he says this has happened is because I withdrew affection etc from him so in my head I think I should go over the top to prove I still love him and how truly sorry I am for hurting him so if I then stop focusing on him isn’t that making him think I don’t want to make the effort anymore? I’m so confused and don’t want to push him further away.
Hi Vince. I am so happy to hear a positive result of the 180. This is all so new to me. I thought/think my husband is going through a midlife crisis. We were together 19 Years. Monday July 23rd will be out 13th Yr wedding anniversary. One day a month ago he wakes up and tell me he is done he wants out of the marriage. He is unhappy. Started bringing up arguments from 17yrs ago. I am so confused. I can tell you now I may have messed up. Because I have begged, cried, scream, said I can make it better. I even got aggressive ( Im ashamed to say) by shaking him and asking him to tell me whats wrong. He shut down. Started screaming saying he doesn’t care. But the crazy thing is he comes ask for a kiss when he is leaving. He says he cant sleep because he is worried about me. He hasn’t left the house but sleeps on the couch. His job keeps him away 4 to 5 days out of the week so I don’t understand why he says now he wants his space & to live single. Just work & save his money that makes him happy.
I’m so glad I found this page, I’ve had a week from hell and this has really helped me get out of the pity spiral. I’ve been with my W for a total of 15 years, 5 of them married, with 2 young children. I work Mon-Fri 9-5, earn a decent wage and pay all the bills bar her phone and debt repayments. She works at a local pub 3 nights a week, I stay at home with the kids during these shifts, recently she hasn’t been back at the normal time, deciding to stay for a drink, and also going out on our free nights, by herself to that pub.
I was away for work and came home, jetlagged, to my W who proceeded to tell me she “loves me but isn’t in love with me” and “doesn’t see those feelings coming back”, I broke down, spent all day crying, and we agreed to see how the week goes before talking more this week. The week goes by ok, I’m still am mess, crying every now and then, talking about the relationship constantly and not giving her space, but we were civil. We go out Saturday night with friends, have a great night then we have an argument and she leaves me to go to her parents.
The next morning we argue again and she again says she thinks it’s over, but wants me to stay in the house for the kids. I agree as I think maybe we can improve things. However,
I then discover that she’s been having an emotional affair with another guy. He’s bought her drinks at the pub she works at, shown some affection and is interested in her. This has been going on for a month and a half. I confronted her and she admitted it, but showed no remorse, and instead stated “Talking to him is the thing i look most forward to”. I was devastated but I kept my composure. We discussed options and negotiated to that she would cut all ties with the other guy and hand in her notice at work.
The next day she changes her mind about the job, says that I’m taking away her freedom and she doesn’t want to be totally dependent on me, understandable, but this is the place the affair started and is where this guy drinks every night.
So I write her a letter explaining how hurt I am by the affair, that I hope she reconsiders, that I want to see the kids and that I am happy for the time we’ve spent together but I’ve left the family home.
I’ve made a load of plans for the next week including time with the kids and I’m exercising more, eating better, being more social, changing my outlook and being more positive. But, today I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have left, and should have done the 180 from the family home, even if that means she is still working at the affair pub. I felt that I couldn’t be the doormat yesterday but now I don’t know if this is the right thing for the kids.
Anyway, I will continue with the 180, these are very helpful and I feel in control of my life again, just a shame I’ve realised this too late.
I have been married to an alcoholic for ten years. Over that time I have put up with her poor choices and behaviors. For the last five years our marriage has been sexless (her choice). I have been trying to be the good patient husband and have suffered. I recently did something stupid and she has not really spoken to me for the last three weeks. I gave her number to another guy to see if she would respond and she did. She started sexting with him. When I told her I knew what she was doing, she lied to me and said that she would stop. I finally confessed everything to her to stop her and she got very pissed at me. I have apologized repeatedly. I am seeing a therapist to improve myself, but she is not willing to go to couples therapy. She says that she does not know if she can forgive me, but never once has she apologized for things she has put me through. About a week ago she quit wearing her wedding ring and told me that in her mind we are separated, even though we still live in the same house. We also have three small children. I do the majority of the house work and child raising and I pay the bills. I just found out yesterday (not even three weeks since the incident) that she has two online dating accounts. She is acting erratic and needs help. I know you stated in one of your rules not to contact her family, but I may need them to help get her into rehab. What should I do? Should I contact her family? Her drinking is bad and I am afraid she will harm herself or someone else. I should have done something earlier, but I guess I was too weak. It took something like this to finally wake me up.
Let me get this straight: She’s neen cold and distant with you for years, you test her (which you shouldn’t have!) commitment to you, she takes the bait and then BLAMES you for her actions??! And you are asking her for FORGIVENESS?!!! Do you have ANY dignity? Do you LOVE yourself enough to know you DESERVE better? I don’t mean to be cold here put you better MAN UP and LAWYER UP! Kick her ass to the curb and cut your lossess now. DON’T ask het family for help. It is not your job to save her. She CLEARLY knows she can step all over you because you’re acting like a total beta! If you love her, set her free. Let her try and make a life alone. STOP chasing and pleading. Be a man of dignity and respect. I was in your shoes 3 years ago. My ex was cold as ice. She did the same harm to me as your wife is doing to you. Then one day, I had enough. Went COMPLETE 180 on her and I’ve NEVER looked back. My life now is filled with peace and good people who add value to my life. I’m still a GREAT dad and I’m moving forward with my life. Now, what will YOU do?
Best answer evah
Wondering what a 180 involves if the root of the problem is that I was already giving him too much space. He has a very active social life that is independent of me. He has season tickets to hockey games, goes to car auctions and shows, plays poker with the guys, etc. I made a conscious decision to support all those things thinking no man wants a nag or whiner for a wife. I also went emotionally distant due to a severe health crisis. Came out the other side and started being present and involved in his life in any way I could. And THAT is when he dropped the bomb. When I was already 180ing and trying to fix it all on my own. I hadn’t read a single thing, just knew I needed to change from the “sick” me.
So I have accomplished the “no talking about Relationship”, “no begging, whining, etc”, My question is, by not being around him and giving him a picture of me with a life separate from him, doesn’t that reinforce what he already believes? I agree with everything about not being a clingy, whiny doormat. But I want him to see that I DO love and care for him, and that me supporting his bachelor like lifestyle was a mistake and I see that.
Thanks for any help!
My spouse and I separated 7 weeks ago and has been adamant that we get a divorce. We are currently not living together. I am in therapy and working on myself and trying to move on. I began using this technique just yesterday and last night she was flirty with me and told me that I am the love of her life and she broke down crying saying that she is sad that I will be for the next person what she always wanted from me. She told me that she wants to hug me, but refuses any physical contact. Today, she is back to saying that she doesn’t see us back together and that she can’t get over feeling that I didn’t love her. there was no cheating in the relationship, she just felt taken for granted. We have been together ten years and have one child. I am just so confused.
I know, it sucks. I’m so sorry. These things have helped me:
— listening to what they say to know where I need to be a better spouse, at the same time understanding they are a little crazy and just because they say something does NOT mean it’s true.
— working on myself. I can honestly say I love and respect myself for the first time in my life. I’m sorry it took this to make that happen.
— checking out some great books on kindle about this situation. I’ve learned a lot.
— things by Michele Weiner-Davis, Alison Armstrong at understandmen.com (has info on how men and women are different and what we need), Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness program. Try not to talk about any problems right now. OMG that’s so hard, and I’ve screwed it up.
It’s hard because he is being so nice to me right now and all I want to do is punch him in the face haha. So remember, it’s a roller coaster and that’s okay. Take care of yourself. You can’t do this if you don’t.
When she brings up things should I say we shouldn’t talk about it? I did say that it (us not being together) was ok bc I didn’t think we were in a healthy place right now. I just feel like I never know the right things to say and everything is wrong.
That’s tricky. If she brings something up, I would try to talk about it like you are talking about another couple….calmly. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “I disagree with you, but I understand you are upset and I’m sorry you feel like that.”
I look at this process like a transformation. I can transform myself into the person I want to be. Possibly, we can transform our relationship. But you can only control yourself and your decisions. Be careful not to contort yourself in order to please or keep someone. There is a difference between healthy transformation and contorting yourself because you’re afraid to lose them. There are some great YouTube videos out there — look up Joe Beam and the three phases of limerence, or Alan Robarge (a therapist who specializes in attachment).
Thank you! I will go look those up.
Would you continue practicing the 180, or am I making things worse? This is the first time in the 7 weeks that she has broke down to me, so I thought it worked (granted it was one day).
Yes! I can’t imagine going through this process before the internet. There are GREAT resources out there. Take heart — a year ago I was on the floor in a fetal position thinking my life was over after 20 years and 3 kids. Now, I am a strong confident woman. It’s still hard, I still get scared, but I feel empowered and that makes the difference.
Don’t rule out the possibility that there could be someone else in the picture.
I would agree. There was in my case. And it was a friend. Be careful.
I believe, also, that there is almost always someone else in the picture, be it an emotional thing or a physical one (and they are equally bad in my opinion).
Great!
My husband admitted that for the past 8 years he has been reading my journal and read all of them back to about 25 years ago. I always looked to him to make me happy and have depression so every entry was negative and where I vented my frustrations. His lack of interest in sex has been going on for years. There is no intimacy. It’s been falling apart. He had an emotional affair years ago. We separated for 8 months. He now says he is so mad about what I wrote and it’s been eating at him that he doesn’t know if he can develop those feelings again. I’m at the end of my tolerance. Do u think I should do this 180 approach? I’m kind of doing it now. But it’s not having any effect.
Yes I would. I would also check a couple of other resources. I love Michele Davis-Weiner’s works, I also love Alison Armstrong at understandmen.com. Her classes helped me to find myself. I also like the Marraige Fitness program by Mort Fertel.
Becky, I learned through this process that only I can find my happiness. No one else. You can explain to him that your journal is where you dump your feelings so it’s not always the most accurate reflection of how you feel. But it’s his consequence for violating your privacy. Becky, by working on yourself you can find your magic again. Your joy. That’s why this program works. It’s not actually about him. It’s about you. And your happiness and self-confidence is what is so attractive to others. Good luck. I am a year out, things are still hard, but so much better. I finally understand my future belongs to me and I decide if it will be happy or not no matter what it looks like.
Hi Becky, It is so easy to get tied up with the 180 and the results you need might not materialize for some time, you have to persevere, only then can you really tell if it going to work for you, it is working of me after my wife’s PA and separation, it isn’t always easy tho, but i feel it working after about 10 weeks, the results are sometimes to me not worth it, but i will keep it up until as i see positives arising from it..best of luck,,,Kevin
My fiancé and I were trying to blend a family. The other night we got into a terrible argument after I scolded one of her children. I feel great remorse for doing that and Since that night she has demanded me to move out and I am now living with various family members. We have texted off and on but it always comes down to the same thing; that she wants me to move out. I know I need to give her her space but it’s hard when you are hurting like this. I’m trying to implement this turn around but so desperately want us to work out. There has been no infidelity on either party in the relationship. Just the difficulties of trying to blend a family. I am at a loss.
2014 I had a physical affair in with my ex lover. My husband always believed something happened that night but we never talked about it. I distanced myself from my ex-lover vowing never to do it again.
Fast forward to Oct 2016, I suspected my husband was having an emotional affair and he told me he’d end the relationship. He still did not know the truth about my ex.
June 2017 I found pictures of him and the other woman and he promised again he’d end the relationship. It was around this time that he asked me what really happened in 2014 and I told him the truth. Yes I had sex with my ex. We promised to tell each other the truth moving forward but he continued to see the other woman and my husband lied repeatedly about ending the relationship. He lied about ending the relationship 3 more times after this but he stated it was just an innocent friendship that crossed the line (a kiss) and he was sorry.
It is now August 2017 (it’s been about 7 days that I haven’t found any contact between him and other woman) and I have been a pitiful mess, pursuing and chasing him. He has shown remorse for his actions but he is not the pitiful mess pursuing or chasing me.
Am I wrong for wanting my husband to chase me??
I fear the 180 will backfire on me since I had a physical affair….
He lied to me so many times the trust is gone and hope is fading from my perspective but he said he trusts me and want to work on the marriage. He said that he wanted to work on the marriage the last 3 times he lied to me about ending the relationship with the other woman. What do I do?
He’s still hurt behind the three years you lied to him about your ex. He’s wrong for lying also but it’s not fair to him that you want him to turn a switch and feel like you. Just take the time to better yourself and forget what happens with anyone else. All you can control at this point is you and your actions. Be the best person you can because sometimes in marriage we lose our identity and we’re not true to our try self. Get that back then let the chips fall where they may
1. Is on one of my hurdles. My wife continues to be inseparable to with her phone. The part that bothers me is that she gave me her passcode and then months later she changed it and I had no idea?!?! Granted it’s her phone but when you give me you passcode that means you have nothing to hide but when she change the passcode secretly that makes question why. What really made me question her actions is when I found in her FB messenger that a guy “friend” sent her 4 posts about certain hotels and the last one is in our city, the things is, he lives in another state. There was no “hey sorry wrong person” or anything. My gut feels that something happened and I’m saying this because I’ve seen past texts of them flirting with each other. So I have my reasons to feel this way. Now it’s time for me to man up and do this 180 and become the person I used to love again
Do the 180 totally, this will pull her up quicker than anything else. get your perspective back, get yourself back to the person you know you are, forget abut her phone, don’t ever worry about something you can’t control, she will notice soon enough that you are changing, let her seat it for a while, when you get to where she will notice she will be begging for forgiveness form you, then you will have the power to decide your future, with her or not.
I broke up with my boyfriend last 2 months due to many misunderstandings i was fighting so hard to get him back. none of his friends would give me any information about him. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get him back then a friend recommended me to contact dr_mack@yahoo. com that he will help me and as my friend said, Dr_mack helped me to bring back my boyfriend just in 3 days, I now have him back and this is the biggest joy of my life
Very very scared to even entertain the thought of some of these things. Aren’t we supposed to be actively working on the marriage? I feel like I am going to push him away. I feel like he needs to see a positive person who is embracing her pain and the process of going through it to get to the other side healthy. If I don’t show him the pain and anguish, won’t he think that he doesn’t matter and that what he did doesn’t matter? I am so very scared. Thank you for any response. I need it right now.
Hi!
Sorry that you have joined “the club” of those of us who are going/have went through this
I guess before I really have any thing to offer or any words to say I am wondering if your spouse did this 1 time, did they tell you or did you find out and are they still currently engaging in the affair and relationship with the other person
This list was a turning point for me back in May,my partner of 20 years fell into a heartbreaking bout of depression which u took very personally as it completely rocked ne to the core.It all started back in October on a holiday ,I struggled every day with his terrible moods and coldness,I was sent this list by another sufferer of depression fallout in May and haven’t looked back since.Yes I sometimes stumble but it has made me stronger person and able to cope and look after myself.Hugs to all of you who are struggling your not alone.
My heart breaks for you . But you are so fortunate to not have children yet– once you have children together the divorce is exponentially more difficult. For your own sake think hard about whether you can trust her — even if she did return.
I agree .. and I found it felt so so risky at first but it brought my straying husband back about 10 months later- he said had seen me running triathlons, going to the theatre just generally having a great life without him and he said to my friend “what have I done? What have I done?” Be ready to really hold your ground – keep your distance– the affair loses its glow if no one minds
Wow Lisa. Thank you so much. Great story. Needed to read that.
I like that… the affair loses its glow if no one minds.
Have I waited too long to implement the 180? My wife left last week after about 3 months of being lied to and her carrying on with another man…She says she wants a separation and even though I thought I was emotionally ready to just let her walk, I begged and pleaded my case for the relationship to not be thrown away…I haven’t reached out since she left, and honestly it’s getting easier not to. But have I waited too long to initiate the 180 and have it be seen by my wife who is already out of the house, or because the nature of the “separation” and it being only temporary, is there a chance it could still have the desired effect?
I don’t think so. It never hurts to try. And if anything, it will help YOU feel better, nurture your soul and help you to find happiness in your life. I know it is so hard!!!
Thank you…It is hard. It’s also hard, because I feel like I’m debating whether or not the actions I take are truly for the betterment of my own soul and frame of mind or just to get her back 😦 My wife and I are a younger couple (I’m 32 she’s 29) we’ve been together for 9 years, married for 6…We don’t currently have children, but were planning to begin that chapter of our relationship as I write this…Now, she’s gone and claims that she doesn’t want to “settle” for a life she doesn’t think she wants anymore…Does all of this sound familiar to anyone? I feel like my world has been turned upside down and it completely came out of nowhere to me…
Hey buddy. Yes it sounds incredibly familiar. You could be me. That’s how familiar it sounds. I wasn’t going to respond until I noticed the date.
I’m going through this exact scenario.
Read this list every day. I do.
The one thing this list does without saying it.
It puts you back in control of you.
You will regain self confidence and esteem.
Maybe it won’t get your wife back. In fact, it probably won’t. At least I’m pretty sure it won’t get mine back. But following this advice had given me…ME back.
Not a pathetic self pitying fool anymore. FOOL.
Your wife is most likely having an affair, if you haven’t figured that out.
That’s why this list is important.
Start taking care of yourself and your finances. Read the list again. Know it, live it.
I know your pain friend. My wife moved out 2 days ago.
So no it isn’t to late.
I know MONTHS ago I was reading articles like this…and people would say.. work on you.
I would want to SCREAM. BUT I JUST WAANT HER!
Trust me friend. It will be ok.
You will get better.
You might not believe it right now. But you’ll come to a point you where you’re ok with her coming back.
Meaaning just ok with it.
Then the next day you’ll kinda realize. You don’t want her back.
Look how you feel right now. How could anyone that loves you make you feel that way?
She has pain too.
Rule #1 on this list is #1 for a reason.
Take care buddy
Thank you for your reply, Aaron… I wish I had come upon this list months ago. At first I feel I did the complete opposite of most of these things. I was desperately clinging on to any shred of hope there was to keep her in this marriage…Now, I am FINALLY doing things for myself. I am finally moving forward and working on me. Actually working on me, not just trying to convince myself that that’s what I’m doing…I can imagine now getting to that point where if she were to come back, not really sure if I’d want it anymore because I am in fact working on myself, whereas she has continued to checkout of life and is on this fantasy vacation…Thank you so much for your response. It has been incredibly helpful to know that I am not the only one who is going through something like this… I have had to stop asking myself “why”, because I know that there will be no logical explanation. That is a tough lesson to learn in itself. I hope you continue down the road you’re headed as well, keep your head up! Thanks again.
Also, my wife had taken some things and left our home on June 7th…Since then we have been “separated”… for about 3 months prior to this it was constant back and forth. Is this separation a good thing? It feels like this is what we both needed, and a part of me can honestly see this as a positive on both sides if we were to take this time to work on ourselves and get our heads right. That’s what I’m doing…I’m not convinced she’ll do the same. I’d love to say that we will reconcile and come out of this stronger than we ever were, but I know that that means she wants that as well… It’s tough.
It is tough. Very very tough.
I won’t say separation is a good or bad thing…its just the way it is.
I personally didn’t want her moving out…or separating. I felt after she did that…i would start living my own life…and her…her own life.
I think two people being apart doesn’t bring them closer as individuals…
But that’s just me. Some people say it’s good for a relationship. Gives you both time to “reset”
Could be true…i don’t but it. I see it as a soft breakup
Buuuuut. My aunt separated from my uncle for TWO YEARS…and they’ve been together 20ish years since that. So it happens.
The thing about love, I’ve come to learn. There is no right or wrong…left right…up or down. It’s probably about the only damn thing Google can’t answer. Countless novels, songs. Poems… have been written about it. The fact is…its an absolute UNKNOWN.
The only thing I do know about it. It starts with trust and mutual respect. I think for both of us, that’s over. So..ya know…
Hey
Very similar situation. Together 9 yrs with my wife. Married 4. 2kids and recently adopted her neice and nephew. Find out 3 weeks ago she had been having an emotional affair with a super rich guy for about a month or so. He’s 10yrs older and showed interest in her while I wasn’t for a period of time. My hobbies, work, etc. Were reasons behind this and I have taken responsibility for my actions viewing to invoke the passion that was once there. Originally I was sad, sappy, begging husband just lost on how my life got to where it is. Tried passion and taking her out but that didn’t end up all that great. The last week I have been implementing these rules without even knowing, also without great force. It has helped but I need to step it up and clearly follow them. She told me she is uninspired, confused about her as a person and needs time to find herself. She has been more or less jobless for a few years because I was able to support us financially. I think this is a big chunk of why she is”bored” “trapped” and lost to herself. Considering living in separate homes and we have recently agreed that we will put the show on for the kids and maintain under the same roof until we find means to separate properly. We have taken out rings of as respect to each other as I told her she didn’t deserve to wear a ring she wasn’t working to maintain. She told me last night that she has enjoyed me much more since we stopped being together together, 1 week, as in being physical and discussing our relationship and future. Seems she is under the impression that time to find herself and how she can be a better her will bring back energy and perspective to our relationship. But she wants to do it separately. It’s all very confusing but I am and need to work on these 180 because I am a great man and father and have to worry about my future without her directly in it and the future of my family. I will say, she has stopped going out, and said it is about her and not about anyone else, not me, not us, not another man. I think the man, being in a similar situation himself, has inspired her to find herself.
Doing these…..and thankful I am. Though it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Doing what I should is the most important thing for me right now, my spouse cares nothing for me at this point, so making a life for me is the most important decision I can make for the kids and I.
Wow, I am so glad to have found this page. It is so meaningful to find other people dealing with this. I am so grateful for your advice, strength, and time. I have felt so crazy and alone.
I am an attractive, smart, accomplished 43 year old woman. But I found out last August shortly after my 20th wedding anniversary that my husband had been in a long term affair. Two years. With a friend of mine. We have three children together. I am trying so hard to keep this list on my phone and use it. I make mistakes and think I can reason with him at times. I forget that what he has done has changed who he is and he doesn’t think rationally. I am determined to get out of this pain and find my own strength. It is so hard. You would look at me from the outside and think I am perfect with someone who has it totally together. That would be a mistake. Women tell me they are jealous of me because I am thin. I weigh 105 pounds. I can’t tell them that I am thin because I can’t eat or sleep. That due to grief I can barely swallow food. I would exchange pounds for joy and love any day.
I am determined to do this 180 and become who I want to be. I don’t want to be needy or codependent or clingy. But some days I still cry because all I want most in this world is to be loved and cherished. I don’t know if I will ever have that in this life.
You deserve love and devotion and to have a partner that you trust. I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time. It won’t last forever. Take care of yourself
Hi Amy
I too was married for 20 years. my husband decided to leave me to go to Costa Rica and search for a better woman – someone who satisfied him more.
I too couldn’t eat. Woke up every day willing to sell my soul to get him back and stop the pain
We’re still not back together but now he’s tentatively trying to reach out to me.
Following Michelle Weiner’s 180 was the best thing I ever did. It gave our relationship a chance. It also – some days- got me believing that I really was ok. It was like I believed my own invented story – that I was strong, beautiful, leading a new exciting life without him. It’s very powerful- if you aren’t there emotionally longing for the relationship- suddenly they feel like the floor fell out. Also the other affairs lose their illicit luster and have to do the work of a real relationship- – and this puts pressure on them. Hang in there- show your husband only your strong, happy confident face. You’ll be surprised – he will grieve the possibile loss of you- and may come knocking- in time. Take the best care of yourself you can – I called in every health specialist I could- massage, naturopath, acupuncture, hairdresser- — it’s like there’s a huge emotional emergency every morning of every day. So you have to pull out the stops and have help from all sides- but you will always be glad you did the 180– it’s the best chance you’ve got for yourself and your relationship- it gave me a chance.
I think you’re right. I have to believe my own story that I am strong and beautiful.
Lisa:
I like best in your post where you say “it’s like there’s a huge emotional emergency every morning of every day”. I also feel like that every day. The minute he leaves the house in the morning, I am a wreck. I get to work and sit and think about him all day – no joke. It’s so hard to turn off the thoughts. I feel like if I do the 180, things will still happen behind my back and that’s my greatest fear.
Yes, I remember feeling utter terror at what might happen behind my back. And then trying to find out what might be happening. and it just about killed me every time I knew or thought I knew he was going “out” on a date.. the suffering is just indescribable. .. it haunts you and undermines you on every front.. i just will say that doing the 180 did help over time- it was like a rule book- the more I did of it — the more it seemed -ever so slowly– like i build ground under my feet.
Wow Thanks Lisa. Well my husband of 20yrs almost the same thing. he says its no other women he wants to work & save money and live as he is single. our kids are grown. 23, 23 & 19. He blindsided me. I been leaving work because my heart, stomach and body just goes numb. he is still in the house and you are right the begging & acting erractic have pushed him further away. He tells me not to call him unless it has to do with the house. We sleep in different rooms. he says he needs his space but then he comes in the room & kiss me & says to call him if I need him! Im so frustrated & want to cry as I am typing this.
My story is too long to post here and I don’t think it’s necessary at this point to go they the sordid story. Short version: Married 20 years, 3 teenage kids, husband was fired from a job for something he truly did not do which threw into a downward spiral that he never healed from, just hide it really well, the new job proved to be stress beyond belief that compounded his earlier stress, 2 family moves in 6 months, I slipped into depression and tried to focus on my kids abd I essence checked out of the marriage, he focused on work and checked out of the marriage – he did form a friendship with a female coworker that too, him further away from me although I don’t believe it was a full on affair….definaltely inappropriate. I came out of my depression or darkness and plugged back I ….he never did. He is just done., he says the switch turned off and he has no belief it can come back. I think there was a time when that wasn’t true but it is how he feels now.
This list???? I’ve done them all over the past 18 months. I know I probably killed any chance we had but honestly he never seemed to out any effort into fixing things so I light not have ever had a chance.
I’m doing much of this list now mainly because he has moved into our basement and is trying to separate as much as he can while still living here. He is the one that puts us In the position to have family dinners when they happen, and he has not told our girls that his decision is definite….they think we are still trying to fix things. They still expect game nights and dinners, outings etc to be as a family because they don’t know the truth so the pretending from my side is brutal!
I’m trying to detach and let go but still feel we can fix this but I can’t by myself, I get that. How does one let go and move on while still believing in the marriage? When does the pain stop and am I right that to much of doing what this list tells you Not to do, ruins any chances forever? How does one know when that point of Ruined forever. Has happened? Why do I want his marriage when he clearly doesn’t and when will I stop wanting to be his wife? The thought of either of moving on to a new someone is so sad to me, I still visualize our aging years and want it to be him holding my hand…how pathetic right?
Don’t know which way to move.
“Don’t know which way to move.”
Neither does he, that’s why he’s doing this. His mind is in stasis from being overloaded with bad voices and bad ideas. He’s oblivious to you right now.
As you’ve noticed, a large portion of what’s going on with him is depression. The job loss is easily a trigger for a midlife crisis. Time has slowed down for him, he could be stuck like this for years. Waiting for him to snap out of it is pointless. You have to get on with your own needs. He’s frozen. You need to grow.
Detaching takes time. It took me a over a year to do this, and I still have days where I slip back and wonder what my wife is thinking and worry. Detaching kind of feels like choosing to give up. When anyone gives up on something, it’s not a choice – the person is just worn out. That may have to happen to you. You’ll just have to get tired of your husband’s crap before tuning him out.
It’s possible your husband may file for divorce tomorrow (if he hasn’t already). It’s also possible for him to spend the next few years sulking in your basement and trying to keep his mind occupied with new hobbies and habits that won’t make any sense to you at all.
Believe it, I am not exaggerating. Look around for midlife crisis message boards via Divorce Busting, The Hero’s Spouse or the Midlife Club. You can read stories from spouses in your position. If your husband’s story / behavior is similar to other stories that you’ve read, understand that your husband is more or less suffering from an emotional disease. He sees you as an alien because he is one himself right now.
Important question: What was his childhood like?
This is a fantastic list/advice and how lovely it doesn’t seem to be trying to sell anything. To everybody in this situation, the best part is that getting over someone and coming out on top, or reconciling, are both accomplished by this same list. So no downside.
Ive already started slowly. Great idea.
Well, where do I start lol.
Got with my now wife when I was 16, she was 24 at the time. Both been told we were good looking.
Had a child in 2005 and the only thing was left was to get married. We did in 2014. Everything up to this point was great. Always had a healthy sex life with no issues. Dresses up and everything and really does everything I ask. Would not want anyone else and have never wanted anyone either.
We then bought our house in 2015 and it’s all paid for. Then everything was going great. Never in the past believed my wife has cheated but this past years gave me signs something may have happend.
She told me her fantasy after extreme pressure from me was to sleep with a police officer. This hurt me because I could not do this and could not provide it either.
She has a twitter account with a large following of you guessed police officers. I then discover 3 different email accounts linked to her main email account.
I checked her iCloud and found she had googled a hotel website, new phone chip and a couple of days later she googled new underwear but did not buy.
I waited and began to track her iPhone when she was out and believed she had visited a police station near a shop she was going too. Done my head in.
Then on Christmas Eve, I know she went to her friends house and after coming back I touched her before bed and swore it smelt like a condom. Killed me, nearly had a heart attack. Then I checked her tights, did not smell like anything. However, found a few stains on the bottom of her skirt that I thought were sperm stains. Got a black light but nothing came up.
I confronted my wife on Christmas Day. She got very upset, swore on our child’s life and asked me to check her friends cctv footage to prove she did not go nowhere. I refused because she swore on our child’s life and her moms and dads. Believed I should have taken her word for it.
I kept pushing after this and believed she had a different twitter and Facebook account. She got even more angrier and denied it continually. Then I pushed again and she left me for 2 weeks and told me to sort myself out if she wanted me to come back.
I can understand if she wants someone else but I cannot deal with it going on behind my back. I would hate her with a passion but love her to bits.
I have mentally abused my wife to the point that she left. Could she be telling the truth.
She said she had just clicked on the phone chip, the new underwear was for me and was talking to someone else about the hotel on Facebook. I don’t know, confused beyond belief. Thinking I am going mad.
She is really good looking but ten years older, almost than me. I know I could get a good looking bird again. I don’t want to and it would kill me to walk away but cannot deal with the belief she may have cheated on me.
Just want her to be honest if anything did happen. Need help
To add, the mental abuse was beyond belief. Do you think that everyone has a breaking point where if they had cheated they would admit it or continue to deny it.
I am totally ashamed of the way i have treated my wife over the last couple of months and could not have blamed her if she wanted a divorce. Just cant get the thought out of my head that she may have or is still having an affair.
You made the mistake of confronting her without solid proof. You need solid and undeniable proof of an affair before you tip her off you are watching her. What you’ve done is given her the opportunity to take her affair deeper underground and make up a good story in her mind as an excuse for her behavior. It will be harder for you to find proof now as she knows you are watching. Get access to her phone to see what she is doing on there, or find a way to GPS her location. You can also get a voice activated recorder, velcro it under her drivers seat where she wont find it to find out who she is calling and what she is talking about. Be prepared you could potentially uncover something very hurtful. Do not let her suspect you are watching her. DO NOT approach her with any evidence unless it is concrete proof of her cheating.
My husband has all the signs of a midlife crisis.
I have broken all the rules in the past couple of months, cried, begged, pleaded, demanded etc all to find it has pushed him further into the tunnel.
I am in therapy and hoping to find the strength to get through this however it turns out. He initially told me he would seek counselling with a view to returning home but he seems to be sinking further into the mire.
Hello Simon it’s not a nice situation and like yours it’s very similar to my previous mess. When this mess starts EVERYTHING boils down to money EVERYTHING. I slept on our sofa for 6 months because I was holding on for hope, eventually it came to a crash I was expected to move out but how could I, I was paying a large chunk of the bills and my wife was refusing to sell. I was up against it I was psyched away by all out friends and her family with very little support. When I decided enough was enough I stayed with friends while my wife went out partying. I eventually got a little 2 bed house to rent which like you broke me dry but for me to do this I had to only pay what I was entitled to which was a hard thing to do but I needed to love on with my life#1,450 is an awful lot of money what you are paying you must be either on a good wage or you are paying more than you should but that’s your choice if that’s the case. My wife made me out to be a bad person a real bad person arguments escalated where police where called I reviewed threats from family members it was crazy how dos this all start from my wife telling me she loves me but she not in love with me???! Let’s get something starchy here tho I was the cause of the marriage breakup we got together at such a young age approx 19-20 and the first few years was great we then had our first child who is 8 now and my wife gave up work for a year. We then decided to have a full joint bank account .. Big mistake !! I’m very tight with my money and watch every penny my wife is the opposite not a big spender but normal I suppose. This is where the problems started I controlled everything I would check the joint bank account everyday and question everything she spent constantly nagging. I was on a good wage and provided for my wife and kids nice holidays etc. I even decided there was no pint in buying birthday presents, Xmas presents , Valentine’s presents etc because we shared he same money she agreed and yeah we will just have nice meals together and things which I thought she was happy with ( obviously wasn’t) I rarely told her I loved her or looked nice I was naive I thought my love was shown by having an active sex life but during my mess I researched the I love you but I’m not in love you quote and having sex meant nothing women need a whole lot more. My individual Councillor said I expressed my love in other ways paying, sorting the bills, ensuring cars are serviced and looked after, creating savings accounts , keeping us out of debt. Lol can you see it was all about money with me haha. I’m not sure maybe she thought the grass wasnt greener I know she dated a few douche bags but she was clearly over me it was frequent for her to say she wished I was dead and I also said the same. I think with my situation we seen the classic the “pursed” becomes the “pursuer” the tables had turned she was pursuing me. When she first said she had made a mistake I couldn’t believe what I as hearing and basically told her she had her chance and I was with somebody now and I also told her not to make a fool of herself like I did and move on!! I could see everything she was doing and it made my skin crawl when she tried to get me back everything I did to her but she looked pathetic exact same as me but not as bad. In my head I was 100 per cent sure it was over I’d never go back I was done I had moved on I kind of enjoyed my new life. Eventually we became friends for the sake of the children which involved us doing things for the sake of the children we then began to open up to each other communicating- we never communicated in our marriage I was a deep person and kept all my emotions, stress and angers to myself I rarery communicated which effected my wife. It seemed we had more in common than we knew we had we both realised we both like the same things, have the same views and interests. We became very good friends! We secretly got back together and she wanted me to move straight back home I refused and stayed in my rented shithole for some time till I was finally sure. The changes we both have made we don’t bottle up our concerns and little niggles we talk about them a thrash them out before the little things turn too big things and then the big things turn to resentment once resentment sets in its hard to recover. We no longer have a full joint bank account we have our own money’s now, I’m trying to communicate more and she is trying to not get angry over trivial things. We are far from perfect but for the the first time in years we are happy the marriage was dead long before she had the courage to end it. We make sure we spend time together without the kids it’s very important to do this we never done this in our marriage. She’s not perfect and the little things she does which annoy me which used to kill me I accept who am I to judge no one is perfect. Like I say to my friends who split with there partners and keep saying it on here.what you must understand is you can’t influence your partners decision only they can want back in. Life your life do what you need to do not just doing it to impres your partner hoping she or he will see change! You need to get a life , take care of your kids and things will change the pain is temporary and everything works out in the end whether your are with or without your partner you will come out stronger and wiser in the end!
Scott, sharing your story and experience has been motivating for me. You give strength to keep moving forward and wisdom to see see things for what they are. I’ve been very busy with work and school but I find that I still have my moments. I’m wondering and hoping if you’d continue sharing and perhaps continue advisin me. I know we all have lives so I’m not looking to complicate yours. Just looking to expand my network of friends. My email src91790@yahoo.com
Src I don’t mind sharing advice this website was a saviour for me so even though I’m sorted I still keep coming back here to share my experience. I forgot to add I got the I love you but I’m not in love with you… I just couldn’t understand what it meant .. We were having sex doing things together , I just couldn’t work out what that meant. I still don’t really agree with that statement to be fair to be in love, love gets confused with lust in my opinion it’s hard to keep lusting after someone when you have been with someone for so many years. My wife said some awful things to me and I mean real awful things stuff which broke me as a man and believe me I said real hurtful things back, I had individual counselling to try and understand what was happening to me. inslpet on the settee for months been a moping wreck I should of left straight away but I was broke and it took me months to find sites like this. I was like you vowed never to get back with my wife ever again I was certain in my head it was over and so was she I moved on from this site and got on with my life , ready to give my house up for my kids sale and not hers. Early stages I think she was confused and I made the whole situation worse by been desperate and needy, begging for a second chance , it makes my skin crawl to think how I acted if I didn’t act like that n got on with my life it might not of took best part of 2 years to sort things out . I was with someone for about 7 months and if split with her and told my wife it was over just out of courtesy as she we both agreed we would not introduce anyone to our kids without the other meeting the new partner, it just happens really we didn’t used to speak to each other unless it was kids business then we eventually became friends. It’s not perfect but it’s good nothing is perfect. Old problems do still arise mainly from me been a miserable awkward git but im a work in progress. She has a temper and she is a work in progress. I must add it had nothing to do with the kids getting back with her it’s because I wanted too. We discuss or ex relationships and have a laugh, I suspected she was having an emotional affair too but she denies this but hey ho. Seriously the best thing for anyone to do is move on or at least pretend … I used to read the divorce busting rules every single day. I did the same as you got fit, progressed at work not for my wife but for me. End of the day you can’t control your wife you can’t control how she feels, you think you can influence her but in reality it’s not going to work. As soon as you take care of yourself you realise it will all blow over its a big wide world out there to be broke by one person is pathetic but I’ve been there and it’s easier said than done when your whole life is breaking before your eyes .Hope I’ve covered your points if not let me know or if you’d like to know anything else about my experience
Scott, totally appreciate your replies. I’ve heard reconciliation stories from people and it always makes me happy for them. Although, I know reconciliation is also a very hard thing to do. At this point, I have so much anger over my ex. We had originally agreed on a 50/50 custody split with our children but she now refuses to give me that. Now I’m paying her $1,450 a month on child support. She’s now become greedy and in love with my money. This in turn is causing financial hardship. I can barely afford my small apartment along with the basic living essentials. She also continues to paint me as a bad person. But you’re correct to say that we have no control over them or their actions. So, I just keep smiling and fake it till I make it. So tell me, you guys were seperated for 2 years? You said that she eventually regretted her decision to leave you; what happened that caused her to realize she made a mistake and pursue you? What was that conversation like? Im guessing, she realized the grass wasnt greener on the other side? Also, what changes have you and her done to move the relationship moving forward? For example, my ex has a short temper, is very vain, and curses a lot. I can’t see myself dealing with that because it was those very things that caused friction in our marriage. I dont think she’s acknowledged that and I would worry about us failing again. For myself, I was always insecure and jealous but only because she never made me feel loved. However, I’ve learned to not ever be dependent on that. I love me first now and that feels amazing. By the way, im 43 and she’s 36. Our kids are 5, 8, 13, and 14. We’ve been separated since September of 2015. She also filed for divorce and we’re still in that process.
Hello
A bit of background about me. I’m 33 and was with my wife for for 13 years we have 2 kids. Anyway cut a long story short I was there for her for quite years and she finally had enough I was broken. I did everything wrong like you I kept asking do you think we will get back together ? How do you feel? Telling her how much I love her ! Cooking meals doing absolutely everything from a strong willed bloke I turned into a a desperate needy mess. You need to understand what ever you say to your partner will not change the situation it will make not the slightest bit of difference at all you lose all your dignity and pride you feel like crap it’s a horrible place to be you fell your life is ruined! Let me tell you it’s far from ruined you need to carry on with your life don’t argue, don’t be so available , don’t ask about the relationship , get a life like others have said do stuff for you which will make you better , keep quiet of asked about what you are into the. Say but keep your life to yourself. As soon as I started moving on I felt great, you will feel you are getting control back. Let me add it’s not easy it’s horrific. But whatever you say will make the south on worse and push them further away. You may not want to move on but pretend you have to show you can move on and you can be happy with your partner or without them that’s they key. If they don’t come back you have saved yourself a lot of heartache and making a fool of yourself. If they do come back and you want them back that’s great. In the end I moved on we were split for 18 months. I followed the divorce busting techniques and my then ex wife started coming back asking what I was up to etc I finally met someone ( this wasn’t out of spite to my ex) it was because I had moved on the tables then turned my wife was broke and after educating myself through this site my wife became exactly what I was like desperate and needy it was embarrassing and I was embarrassed about how I was aswell o told her to stop and I had moved on. 2 years down the line we are now back together and more happier than ever not perfect I must add but happy. Believe me take control of your own life let your partner do what they need to do and you move on and TRY and have a life. Seriously this pain doesn’t last forever everyone told me that but I don’t listen but now I know they were speaking the truth.
Tia on January 28, 2017 at 5:37 am
Thanks u . I have improved myself and I love my self I do all of those things I. Have been living in a separate home for past 6 months doing me I just moved back in yesterday in a completely different room to help him out w his son because I love him like he is mine . I do t sit around waiting I him I do me and “our son who calls me mom”. I don’t express my feelings or even bring up getting back to get her I dont act like anything bothers me I am happy to luck but on the inside I want to work things out I don’t express that. My question is with us living together getting along as room mates do you thing it’s possible that things may work them selves out in due time .I think is what I am hoping to happen. . I do my thing hang a friend to to gym etc. I love him very much but I don’t express it to him at all . I don’t talk about us or past to him I am happy to all about me .. I am happy in life . I am buying my own home . still paying on it he just asked me to move in a him to help with our and stuff . I’m not giving up my home . .. I do my stuff ..
Scott, you’re story is very encouraging. That is why I encourage Tia to keep on moving. At this point, she sounds just like me, 2 years ago when my ex wife dropped the “ILYBIMILWY” bomb. I became a needy pathetic individual. You are also very right that the pain in the process is so immense. I spent many nights crying and wondering why I was being dealt this heavy blow. I was married to this woman for 15 years. Busted my tail to get us ahead. We have four young children together. Nonetheless, she wanted out so bad. Told me some pretty cold things that pierced right through my heart. Eventually, I discovered that she was having an emotional affair. Anyhow, one day, after so much pain, I decided to live my life. I got busy; exercised a lot to work off the stress and depression. Lost 50lbs in the process. Got me a new look and am back in school to finish my bachelors degree. It’s now been 18 months since she checked out officially. I don’t see any sign of her bending but I am also so much stronger myself. I’ve met people that have allowed me to realize how much better I deserve. As for my ex, I can’t ever see myself getting back with her because she’s just done so much damage in her journey. Scott, not gonna lie, I sometimes imagine my ex coming back to me, begging me to take her back. However, that shipped has sailed and I am no longer the weak and pathetic man I was. So sad how some people don’t truly calculate their decisions. I was no angel during our marriage; I did and said things that I shouldn’t have but, nothing to validate what she did to our family. Tia, move on. He’s using you and the longer you stick around waiting and begging, the harder you will fall emotionally.
Scott, if you don’t mind sharing a bit more, I’d like to know how it was that you and your wife (?) started talking. Did something happen, besides her seeing you move on, that changed her thinking? Why did you decide to take her back? What has been the hardest thing to deal with in terms of you guys getting back. I ask because I still wonder what drives my ex to be this selfish. I don’t lose sleep over it anymore but I can’t seem to understand what makes some people put themselves before their family.
Sorry I didn’t add… I’m not sure why I took her back.. I realised I still loved her. I too was like your provided for my family we had a good life but both drifted off track.
Huge question me and my husband have been separated for 7 months right first let me mind u we were only together for 3 months before we got mArried. We live 6 months mArried and split up . he has a son whom I love as my own . I recently moved in w him but in a separate bedroom . I am still holding on . to him I love this man so much. I still have my house but he needed help and I love his son I’ve asked him if he thinks we will get back together ever be says no. I need advice what to do I do all things above . does Nyone thing in due time living together no problems w us if we may get back together eventually..
Don’t fool yourself. Stop being available for him and enabling his behavior. Have dignity and truly love yourself before loving anyone else. I know it’s hard sweetie but you MUST see things for what they are. If you truly love him and want him back, go out and start living YOUR life and find ways to fill it with happiness. Exercise, join a jogging or hiking club. Go back to school. Get a new haircut. Anything that will improve you. In the process, completely ignore him and DON’T be weak. Respect yourself! You sound very desperate. Don’t be that. Seriously, work on yourself and get busy living life. Never put yourself on hold for ANYONE!!!
Thanks u . I have improved myself and I love my self I do all of those things I. Have been living in a separate home for past 6 months doing me I just moved back in yesterday in a completely different room to help him out w his son because I love him like he is mine . I do t sit around waiting I him I do me and “our son who calls me mom”. I don’t express my feelings or even bring up getting back to get her I dont act like anything bothers me I am happy to luck but on the inside I want to work things out I don’t express that. My question is with us living together getting along as room mates do you thing it’s possible that things may work them selves out in due time .I think is what I am hoping to happen. . I do my thing hang a friend to to gym etc. I love him very much but I don’t express it to him at all .
Why would you hope to work it out with someone like that? He sounds pretty awful. Leave. Seriously. Move out for good and don’t look back. You are being used. Period.
What if they ask you out on a date…or “family date night” do you say no or is it just that you dont ask them??
Never ask for anything from them aside from “business” stuff – kids or household needs. That’s it.
If they want a “family date night”, meaning the whole family – do it. Focus on the kids, though. Engage them when only when engaged by them.
If they ask you out on a date, just the two of you, agree after thinking about it for a while. During the date, be happy and distracted. Expect anything. Do not anticipate commitment from any promises made to you. Do not agree to anything. Just say “I don’t know, I have to think about it.” Believe NONE of what you hear and only HALF of what you see.
Thanks for the replies to my post this morning
I would love to get more replies on the situation and any else that may have some input or advice
Jason, as a follow up to my earlier reply, I wanted to mention to you that even after the wrath my wife put me through, I truly am in a much better place. She’s now at her parents, crowded in a two bedroom home with my four kids! that relationship she had with her guy? that lasted all but three minutes. Brubek gave you some AMAZING amazing advice. Be grateful and FOLLOW what he’s telling you. I didn’t have this type of support when I went through this. I was like you; begging on my knees while crying my heart out. I can’t believe how pathetic i was. Anyhow, the only feeling i have left for her is the resentment for what she did to our family. But they will never admit to how STUPID they were for destroying a lifetime of memories away. My ex is just like that. She has her head up her rear that she probably won’t admit, publicly, how bad she messed up. For me personally, I could NEVER go back to her. It would be taking a step back. I could never forgive her and most importantly, I could never trust her back. She was like a tornado, destroying everything in her path and not giving a rats ass who got caught in the destruction. It’s sad really. We had so many good memories with our four children and had just purchased a beautiful home. Life was so good then…..
Yes. You both have given me incredible insight and thank you for sharing your story with me
Your words of encouragement and support mean more than you might possibly know
So we have been married almost 25 and together for 27. Everyone calls us the perfect couple
My wife started a “facebook” affair in July of this year and 3 weeks ago, went to Vegas to meet him and had sex. I had no idea what was going on. We even had sex together the night before she left. We don’t have real money issues and rarely fought about anything in all our years together
She says that she is now confused and doesn’t know who to pick. She “loves us both” but I don’t know how she could fall in love with someone she had never met in person until recently
She is very honest with me in that she told me about the Vegas hook up the day she got home
I did forgive her and we had even made love a couple times since the incident
She even broke it off with him for a couple days but now…..
She has told me that she talks to him every day and is making plans to go see him again because there is something that draws her to him. She even wears a necklace that he got her so I get to see that every day
She says she needs space to figure out who she wants and has recently stopped any sort of intamacy with me because she feels she’s cheating on him with me (including even holding hands which is something we always did)
I am absolutely crushed. I want to save this marriage. She is my best friend but I don’t know what to do. I even planned a weekend getaway this past weekend and it was a disaster
I’m afraid that if I disconnect from her that it will just drive her to him and make her decision easier
Our kids are grown but I know that this will destroy them as well
I have recently started doing things by myself that I used to do during our marriage (working out/getting tattoos I have been putting off) but I have been trying to still connect with her every day
I read the steps and they scare me. I don’t want to lose her and the steps seem that they would make me come across as not caring, not hurt, or “signing off” on her relationship with him
Help
Man, in all seriousness, have some dignity for yourself! I know you’re in very tough place right now but, you gotta out yourself together here! Your wife, she’s clearly taking advantage of your weakness really bad. Don’t be a doormat and allow her to step all over you. Stop kneeling down to her and begging. You’re pathetic for doing so! If she wants out, set her free and don’t offer her ANY opening to come back. Get busy and stay busy doing things for yourself. Exercise, learn a new trade at school, get involved with your church! Do anything and just stay busy. Don’t show her that she’s got you by the throat here. Listen, I was married for 15 years, have four young children from my Ex. She too started an emotional affair with an old high school friend. She continued with the affair even after caught her. Like you, I begged and pleaded. I cried and kneeled to her. Did she have a change of heart? Heck no! She had no moral compass and continued the affair. They are so deep in a fog NOTHING you do will set them free. Brother, brace yourself because it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. For me, I spent many nights crying and trying to figure out what it was I did wrong. She accused me of being abusive and controlling. All lies because she just needed to validate her filthy behavior. Your wife is dong the same thing here. Kick her out of the home or you get out. Immediately go into action on the 180!!!! She’s already completely detached from you. If you continue to be needy and clingy, she most definitely will never come back to you. I exercised and went back to school. I’m 40lbs lighter, in amazing shape and I look 10 years younger because I focused on myself here. Sure, I still miss the woman and I’ll have my moments here and there but, nothing like a year ago when I probably cried every day. Oh yeah, I’ve also met an AMAZING woman who has allowed me to see what I’ve been missing and deserving all my life! God is great my friend. So hang in there and hold on tight. Completely cut her off to keep your sanity. I’m praying for you.
Thank you so much!
I have started today with the 180 steps
I
Outstanding post!!!!
She is not in love with him. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about most of the time. She is flooded with emotions and you cannot rely on her to think clearly about any of this.
“Signing off” on the relationship is kind of the foot-in-her-ass she might need to wake up from la la land. Make no mistake, your wife is in la la land. She will do and say many things to make it look like she’s all together – but she is NOT.
She’s relishing the drama of you being in this. She wants something to perk up her life. This affair – and your reaction to it – is part of it. Do you really think a necklace and “hook-up sex” can compare with 25 years of history together? It cannot, but you think it does because you believe what she says. You cannot believe anything she’s saying right now. She doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing.
Remove yourself from her crazy b.s. She is having her cake and eat it too. Your pursuit, your attempts to maintain a connection with her, are reminders to her that you’re patiently waiting in the wings while she takes her time screwing around with this other guy. It will fizzle out – it always does. She may come back to you – or she may just find Other Guy #2 to keep the drama going. She is in search of emotional messiness and/or emotional chaos to distract her from her dissatisfaction with herself.
For people in midlife transition, the other person is basically a drug, it doesn’t even matter what they look like. She is basically looking for a high to stave off the depression she feels about how her life turned out. It’s got nothing to do with you. She is scared that time is running out. Look for other clues – reckless spending, picking fights with you, crazy exercise, new clothes & make up, extreme secrecy, new friends, nights out, going against the grain of what she used to do.
If she screws all this up, know that it is her mistake, NOT yours. Some people have to burn the bridge down entirely before they step back and say “Oh my God, what have I done?”
If disconnecting from her drives her to him, then it means she’s changed into a person that doesn’t value what you have to offer. It means she’s become someone who just values the superficial thrill of someone new. She may spend the rest of her life that way, changing boyfriends every six months.
DO NOT LET HER SEE YOU SWEAT. Turn off the sadness and/or anger in her presence. Just stay happy and distracted – focus on your OWN life. Be vague with her, don’t tell her whatever your feeling.
She spent 27 years with you for several good reasons. If she no longer values EVERYTHING you’ve brought to the marriage, another woman will. That woman will love you and appreciate you as a life partner in ways your current wife cannot. Think of it this way – your wife is creating the world’s greatest 2nd husband, and she’s too lost to see that.
Thank you for your kind words
So, I have been going about my business the last couple days (working out, going to work, playing with the dogs) and just being me. Basically doing what I would normally do aside from “checking on her or contacting her throughout the day to see how she’s doing, needs anything etc
Totally gIving her her space and not creating any kind of hostility or asking her to talk about things. I took Facebook messager off of my phone because it was too tempting to constantly be looking at it to see if she’s talking to him. I know she is (as she has told me previously)
Yesterday she texts me to let me know that she “might be going back to see him in early December”
I was pretty much waiting for that info to come from her
I didn’t get mad. I didn’t run to her to beg or plead
However. I did reply to her OK and let her know that we should just officially file for divorce next spring as we have some financial obligations that will be ending in April
Also let her know that we should go get seperate bank accounts and that we needed to talk about who is going to pay what until a divorce was final
Told her that if it was a choice between me and him that she should pick him cuz I shouldn’t have to be a choice or an option
No response from her regarding my reply
This morning she woke up, got dressed, grabbed the grocery list and left. Not something she would typically do
Could have even went to get her plane tix to Vegas. Who knows
Any thoughts on what I did/doing?
All of that was exactly what you needed to do, including ending the snooping. Don’t play by her rules. Get on with your own life.
Your divorce talk through her balance off. You can expect a reply. She will hit back, and she will try to hit you back hard. Expect anything. A lavish purchase for herself, a house re-decoration, disappearing for a night – it could be anything. If she isn’t already talking on the phone with him in front of you, she will start walking around the house talking to him. She wants a reaction. Any response to her craziness is validation that you still care.
Your indifference towards her – and your happiness with yourself – are your greatest tools (remember that she also wants you to be as miserable as her). Don’t be angry, she’ll use your anger to justify what she’s doing. Think of Clint Eastwood….calm, detached. It takes work. Just practice at it.
If she hits back to try and through you off, throw her off again – with individualism. Throw a party and invite all YOUR friends. Invite people you haven’t seen in years. Don’t tell her in advance if you don’t want to. Start a new hobby or activity you’ve been meaning to try, or get back into something you used to do a lot that you enjoyed. Cook something new. Do things you genuinely enjoy. Do not get into things to try and make it look like you’re trying to have a good time, she will be able to tell. Pick activities that really speak to you.
I also find that J.A.D.E. works. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Smile and agree with whatever she says – however crazy – then say,”OK, gotta run.” If you do this, study up on “J.A.D.E.” as well as “never complain, never explain”. You will project even more individuality & confidence – because it sounds like you’re already doing this.
“if it was a choice between me and him that she should pick him cuz I shouldn’t have to be a choice or an option”
Wow. That was excellent. Many people in your shoes before wish they thought of saying that. Good one.
Believe this – you are the prize. With or without her. The other guy is left-overs, and the other guy usually is the user or loser types. Only left-overs screw around with married people.
hi Brubeck – I really appreciate your comments here. I’m the wife of a man in MLC, he wants to leave after 27 years and two children. The youngest is 9 and has special needs. He said he wanted to move out in January, I asked him to stay for the children. I had previously asked him to leave for three nights and the children had a very tough time. Now it’s almost March and I’m ready for him to leave, being separated under the same roof has been okay for the kids but terrible for me.
We only interact over the children but we eat meals together every day and share carpool. I hate knowing that he’s watching football and enjoying himself while I’m upstairs reading this website. We’re in counseling both together and separately. He’s very cordial: how was your day? and I say “great” leave the room.
The 180 advice says don’t initiate any conversations about future/relationship, but I want him to move out so I can get some distance from him. Last night I said I wanted to bring the subject up at our next counseling session. He agreed but did not seem to have any plans, said “I’m trying to work a lot of things out”
I want him to work them out someplace else. There are money issues, but he started this and he needs to pay for it.
Here’s my question: how much can I push to get him to leave?
He says there’s no affair but also gave the “love you/not in love and I’ve been unhappy with you for years” . This started in October, I’m getting stronger every day and while my preference is for us to work this out, I’m preparing to live without him. My sons are very attached to him and I worry about them.
I addressed this to Brubeck, but I’m open to responses from anybody!
Hi Prayerwarrior,
The more you push him towards moving out, the more he will cling to you and your sons. The main ingredient to a midlife crisis is depression. He is going through a depression the likes of which most people don’t experience. He is in the middle of a massive psychological upheaval. This is very hard for you because you are in a situation where it may benefit your family greatly to be kind to someone who is incapable of kindness themselves.
Depression makes it hard to get through the day. He is struggling to keep himself present, and doing so with distractions is all he can do. He is incapable of empathy right now. He is overwhelmed with negative feelings to the point of confusion.
Having someone in MLC living in your home is really tough, it doesn’t happen often, most MLCers move out to have their “freedom”. My wife still lives at home, and I am more relaxed and happy when she is not there. I understand it is a tough situation. No one envies you.
You are still in a better position than your husband because you are dealing with the pain of this right now. You are dealing with this dead on.
What’s rare and amazing about your situation is that many people in MLC don’t go to individual counseling and even less go to couples counseling. He is making an effort. How is that going? Ask yourself, what is he saying during the couples counseling? What does it tell you about him?
Also remember, your husband cannot handle responsibility right now. EVERYTHING = pressure to him. He already feels worthless, pushing him out will only magnify the length of time he is stuck in this situation.
If he is maintaining a good relationship with your sons, that is excellent. Many MLCers detach from their children (especially men). Keep a sharp eye on your finances.
Your husband will continue to behave in ways that don’t make sense. You might see signs of OCD or ADD or ADHD, insomnia, apapthy, lethargy, memory lapses. Your husband has a skull filled with spaghetti where his brain used to be.
What are you doing for yourself? That is what you must focus on. You didn’t break him, you can’t fix him. I wonder if you want him to leave to eliminate your need to fix your husband. We all want to do this. It’s been over a year for me, and I still hold conversations in my head with my wife where I’m trying to show her what she’s doing wrong.
What you need to do is create boundaries. I don’t want to tell you what those boundaries should be. You need him to stay out of your way, if he is not doing that, you need to find ways to do that. Create distance for yourself.
Study up on depression as well as bipolar disorder. There are times when MLC looks like bipolar disorder.
I have read so many MLC stories. You are in a tough situation, but I’ve heard so much worse. This may have knocked the wind out of you. You might be feeling beaten yourself. You are going to learn that you are SO MUCH stronger than you think. You will get through this.
What is the end game here especially in the case of a 180 in a frigid (sexless) relationship? I get the premise behind it but at what point does the “180er” become once again receptive to affection if the wayward party sees the error in their ways?
I am 10 months in to learning of my husband of 28 years 1.5 year long affair. I am still an emotional mess and this is taking a toll on my health. I love him and want to reconcile. He also wants to reconcile, however he is very short on empathy and resents me wanting to know where he is etc. He cheated once before many years ago and I forgave him and eventually trusted him again fully. However last time it was not an emotional, physical and lengthy affair. I am torn between reconciliation because I am not sure I will ever be able to trust him again. Also I have not implemented these steps…is it too late now?