What Brought Me Here

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When I first started this blog in April of 2012, I was a much different woman than I am today.  I was struggling with a new marriage that was already failing and a husband who lied, cheated, kept secrets, withheld sex, and barely contributed to the bills.  I felt overwhelmed, ashamed, scared, and, more often than not, worthless.  I held it all in, not even reaching out to the people who love me the most.  It was my private hell, and the weight of it all was slowly crushing me.

A friend of my now ex-husband had a blog that he shared on Facebook.  I started reading it, and discovered an entire community of people who write to share their lives and experiences.  I found myself clicking links, reading more blogs, and commenting on a few posts.  As tears were streaming down my face from a reply that was more like a novel, I realized something.  I wanted a place like that – somewhere to write down my thoughts and feelings.  Somewhere to process, and to get things out of my head.   This blog was born.  I never expected many people to read it, but that never was the goal.  

I certainly didn’t know that creating and writing this blog would literally change my life.  But it did.  My posts went from timid and apologetic to opinionated and often forceful.  I gained friends, support, and a true voice.  I started to figure out my identity and recognize my worth.  I stopped passively riding out life and accepting less than anyone deserves.  I began figuring out what I need and what makes me happy, and pursuing it.  Throughout it all, I have blogged.  This is my crazy journey through marriage, infidelity, counseling, false reconciliation, separation, divorce, and dating with a little bit of everyday life issues thrown in for spice.  I hope it can help anyone else out there going through something similar.

If you want to know more about my story or my relationship, click the Background category.  The posts that have to do with what brought me here are in there.  I also add to it from time to time with additional details.  I have found that it is helpful for me to look forward, look back, and deal with the here and now all at once.  My brain is jumbled up like that.  Since the start, this blog has morphed into one of my top places for support, understanding, and hope.  I have gained more from my followers than I could ever expect to give in return, but I’m going to keep trying.  Thank you all!

26 Responses to “What Brought Me Here”

  1. omtatjuan July 22, 2013 at 9:43 am #

    If you told me I would fall in love with a female somatic narcissistic psychopath I would have told you, “Not me. I have a psych degree.” Wrong! Love blinds.

  2. Slayer Muser April 12, 2013 at 6:48 am #

    Brutal honesty. Good.

    I recently heard an expression that is synonymous with your above sentiment:

    “Give and get.”

    Short and sweet. Not G ‘n’ R: G ‘n’ G.

    Keep hanging your “balls” out there.

  3. Becki Duckworth April 10, 2013 at 3:04 am #

    I am looking forward to following your journey. Beautiful Mess really grabbed me.

  4. Katerina April 1, 2013 at 9:43 am #

    You are soooo inspiring!

    • beautifulmess7 April 1, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

      Thank you. I’m really quite flattered you would think that.

  5. Dave January 22, 2013 at 12:39 am #

    I’ve had this post open for a few weeks now, clicking through, reading. Wow. Wow. Wow. Your writing moves me. Your story moves me. Your resilience inspires me. Your humanity touches the cynic in me, and makes him feel a little less vulnerable. Thank you for sharing – here’s to an way up out of the beautiful mess!

    • beautifulmess7 January 22, 2013 at 5:48 am #

      Oh, my! I am so flattered. That is such an amazing compliment. I feel honored that my words and journey could do that. I also have a cynic inside, and I’m trying to slowly loosen its grip on my heart.

      • Dave January 23, 2013 at 11:45 am #

        Ah, the cynic that parades as our best friend, our conscience, and our protector. He just holds us all back. Keep writing!

  6. beinquisitive December 26, 2012 at 7:03 pm #

    I guess is very difficult and I cannot imagine what you went through but you seem a tough woman and I really admire for your strength and the decision to share what happened to you. This blog is really interesting and I am happy I can read something I don;t know much about. i hope you feel better and I hope writing and finding people who support you can make you totally recover. Compliments for this blog, really interesting and well written!

    • beautifulmess7 December 26, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

      Thank you very much! I’m glad that you are able to experience these things vicariously through me instead of having to deal with them yourself. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, even if it has made me stronger. I appreciate that you took the time to comment.

  7. rocksforbrains November 18, 2012 at 8:05 am #

    I also nominated you for an award:)

  8. From This I Know..... October 17, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

    I just had a friend send me the link to your blog, because I am in a similar situation and too have chosen to walk the steps of this journey in a transparent way. It’s all very fresh…. My original blog is From This I Know, and then I started “Diaries of a Real Housewife” as I realized things were going south, trying to keep it anonymous. My blog was “discovered” by him, as my world came crashing down around me, so I went public with it. I look forward to venturing through your posts, and hope you will visit mine as well.

  9. our24yeargap October 11, 2012 at 10:17 pm #

    I nominated you! : )

    http://our24yeargap.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/another-award/

  10. Lafemmeroar August 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm #

    You are a beautiful work in progress … stay strong Crazy Chick!!! Oh and welcome to the club 🙂

  11. Lee Kaplanian August 12, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    I found your blog today as I was writing mine – sometimes it is a little scary to put yourself out there. I to hope that what I have experienced and learned can be of benefit to other – it is a give take blog as your is. Keep on writing, we have a lot of things in common and it is so nice to know I am not the only one who has to explain about not having children.

  12. Sessica July 25, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. It is unfortunate that I know instantly what your 180 means, what is d-day. What a sad club we belong to. Looking forward to reading your posts.

    • beautifulmess7 July 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

      Yeah… it is sad, isn’t it? Before all of this those things would have meant absolutely nothing to me. I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or not. I wouldn’t go back to the days of being “blissfully unaware,” but man do I wish I never had to learn those terms.

  13. starclub1 July 22, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    Hi there

    I am following your story now and I think you got a great blog. I am multiple, I have did.
    Look for ward to connecting and becoming friends!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. It’s here! It’s arrived! The One, The Only, Fabulous Gutter Blogger Award! « work spouse story - December 11, 2012

    […] Beautiful Mess – how to put it in a few words? She shares her life with us in such a thoughtful and powerful way and makes me reconsider a lot about what life and relationships are about. […]

  2. Not Only Do I Have An Addictive Personality, I Also Have An Addictive Blog! « Being a Beautiful Mess - October 12, 2012

    […] What Brought Me Here […]

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