These quotes are really hitting me today. I love the examination of truth and reality, the challenge to change myself and my perception of things. I love the strength and reflection in the writer’s application of these quotes to his life. We may be in different circumstances and different places in life, but I think we could all benefit from taking in the wisdom of these great people and considering what it means for us.
I wanted to reblog this topic today because it is still something we are dealing with, and a friend of mine is going through something similar. Sex addicts trying to recover deal with a lot of fear around sex. Spouses also deal with the uncertainty of not feeling wanted by the addict. It can be a tricky time, and communication is key!
I have to warn you now, this topic is personal. I have grappled a bit with if I should post it, but I decided to take my own advice from my last post and be honest. I know this will probably make my husband uncomfortable, so I apologize in advance to Mr. Mess. I just feel like I need to get this out there and talk about it so maybe someone else in a similar situation won’t feel like they are all alone.
I have heard from lots of people about their hysterical bonding after DDay. That never happened for us. We maybe had a slight upswing in our sex life a few months in, but nothing drastic or immediate. Now things are back down to pre-DDay levels which is around 1-2 times per week if I’m super lucky.
I’m a very sexual woman. I have always heard that men are…
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I have been thinking a lot about Boundary Agreements this week. In fact, I am in the process of creating one. I haven’t shared it with Mr. Mess yet, but I plan to soon – once this current crisis has balanced out a bit.
I think one of the best resources I have found so far is a blog post by Mock Turtle’s Musings. Here is a link to the post: http://mockturtlemusings.com/2012/06/boundary-agreement.html
Because she uses Blogspot instead of WordPress it is difficult to reblog her posts. I have copied and pasted the information here because I think it is so powerful.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I have two Boundary Agreements with Devin. One is signed and dated and the other is an email we sent back and forth months later, a more “common sense” agreement.
The idea behind the Boundary Agreement is two-fold. It allows the partner to set their boundaries while enforcing consequences when the boundaries are broken and helps create a safe environment for the partner. Secondly, it informs the sex addict of what the partner is willing to tolerate within their relationship and what to expect when the boundaries are crossed. It helps to define guidelines of acceptable behavior within the relationship.
It would seem that a mature couple would already have these guidelines, dare I say, rules, established before they get married but surprisingly most married couples make the assumption that their partner will not cheat on them or that they both have the same understanding of what cheating means.
However, not every person feels the same way about what the definition of cheating means or what is acceptable behavior within the confines of a relationship.
One couple may not have any problems with their spouse exchanging emails with someone of the opposite sex and not knowing it’s being done, what’s being said or perhaps that pictures are being exchanged but another couple may not feel that’s acceptable. There are of course levels to these emails; I took it to the extreme.
Some couples may feel fine with their spouse going to lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex and confiding in them about personal problems that are going on at home, while other couples may feel that is crossing a line. What about a simple smack on the ass at work or a neck rub? Where does that fit?
One couple may need to know where their spouse will be during the day or after work while another may not have any concerns at all and be confident that their spouse is just “doing their thing”.
Everyone is going to be different and in my case all the above is off limits for Devin. They never used to be but they are now.
Of course, when dealing with a sex addict, that Boundary Agreement is a contract that must be written or at least verbally agreed to in a way that the partner can stick to.
For instance, in my Boundary Agreement, I have written and signed that if Devin cheats on me on-line or in person, I will leave. This is something that I know I can abide by under no uncertain terms.
I also have if he slips and/or relapses I must be notified by him within 24 hours or I will withhold affection for three days.
Sounds crazy right? Like I’m punishing a child? In a sense, I am punishing a child, a grown man-child. Sex addicts tend to stop maturing at the age of their first sexual acting out and/or experience. They need to know there will be consequences for their actions or they will not stop the behavior. That’s why it’s so important to create a boundary that can be enforced by the partner or it’s useless. Much like the mom who says “Don’t make me take that toy away!” and then does nothing when the child continues to misbehave. Nothing is learned.
Devin thrives off of my affection for him. He loves to be loved and feel my hugs and my kisses and when I take that away, it hurts him. It hurts me too but I have to stick by the consequence…and, in all honesty, as time has passed the typed document has changed and been tweaked verbally. I was a week after Disclosure Day and a mental nut case…a dictator with a crushed heart. I knew next to nothing about this addiction and it shows it my Boundary Agreement. ****eta (after writing this post I updated the BA in writing)
My “common sense” agreement I still stick to because, well, it’s common sense. Text me when you’ll be running late, things like that.
Devin HATED, HATED these things when I first put them in place. He felt like I was trying to control him because, at the time, he had been so completely out of control. Now, it’s simply second nature and he’s not bothered at all.
Also, a great book that has nothing to do with sex addiction but is about how to trust again after an affair: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass – it rocks!
I was really struck by the quotes and photos that Cdn Stormlover used today. Check it out if you haven’t already!
I wanted to reblog this today as a prelude to a topic that I will be touching on later – religion. The blogger has written a very insightful and well-thought-out post about the flaws of religion and her journey to “losing” her religion. Many of her thoughts and experiences mirror my own. I have been wanting to blog about this topic for a while, but I can’t seen to get my thoughts together on the right approach. I think this is a good introduction while I gather my thoughts and inventory my feelings.
“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples;
no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own
heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”
Regularly irrelevant, judgemental, inaccessible… that is my experience of Christianity.
That doesn’t mean though, that I don’t see that for many people it is relevant, accepting and accessible. For some people, Christianity has saved their lives, and setting aside my own experience, I think that’s great. The thing is though, that I’m not just talking about Christianity. You’ll have to excuse me for referring mostly to that, because that is where my knowledge and my experience comes from, but what I am passionate about is that all religion should be relevant, non-judgemental and accessible to…
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