Taxes Finally Done

So, our taxes have officially been filed and accepted by the Federal and State Departments of Taxation.  This is the latest in my entire life I’ve ever waited to file.  To make a long story short, I filed them myself.  That decision was made after we visited Mr. Mess’s choice of a tax preparer and realized not only was the man about 120 years old, but he also wasn’t do anything special for the $280 he wanted.  When he put all of the documents we had brought and put them in a folder, I made sure said folder was placed into my hands.  Yay!

A few short days later, I have filed our taxes, gotten a confirmation that they were accepted, and all I need to do now is wait for the direct deposit.  Into my savings account.  He made his case for getting a portion of the return, even though it wasn’t nearly as much as he anticipated it would be.  I still haven’t decided how much, if anything, I will give him.

Once I saw the $3K plus that I had to pay taxes and penalties on that he took from the retirement account, it effectively reduced the portion of the refund that I was thinking of giving him.  Suddenly his pity party sob story about living paycheck to paycheck meant nothing.  He had over three thousand dollars and a job.  If he has already blown through it in not even 3 months (maybe that New Year’s trip wasn’t the best idea?), then that’s his problem.

Hope everyone out there in blog land is doing well!!!

I’m Done Paying for His Mistakes

As I mentioned in the post, Sometimes Goodbye is Necessary to Really Live Life, there was $2,000 financial loss from the car that Mr. Mess gave back to me.  The car was purchased for him, and he was the only one to ever drive it on a regular basis (I think I took it to work maybe twice under special circumstances).  When we went to pick out and purchase the car he added options like the extended warranty and fabric protection that I was against and would never have gotten.  However, he thought that they were important, and I allowed him to make the decision since it was HIS car.

Right… except for the fact that his credit was too bad to actually get the car in his name.  I guess it was a good thing for him that he was married to someone whose credit score is 802.  And a very bad thing for me, it would turn out.

That decision to put the new car in my name came only 6 months after we were married.  I was naive and happy and in love.  I trusted this man.  Just 5 days later I would make a discovery of images that were disturbingly close to child pornography on his phone.  I would uncover layers and layers of lies.  We would start down the path of addiction counseling, therapy, 12-step groups, and marriage counseling.  None of it would work.  He would continue lying.  And 2 years later I would still be regretting the decision to sign my name on that loan document.

Almost immediately after that nuclear DDay, talks began about getting the vehicle in Mr. Mess’s name.  He tried at least 3 times to get a loan through his local credit union, a bank that he had been a member of for decade and where his sister had worked for over 20 years.  Yeah… even they weren’t stupid enough to trust him with a loan.  Time and again he was denied.

Sometimes it was because of the multiple bills he had in collection from before he met me.  Sometimes it was due to his incredibly low income.  Sometimes it was due to his ridiculously large debt to income ratio.  Sometimes it was because his credit utilization was out of this world.  Despite my advice about getting rid of those collection bills, never, ever using more than 50% of your credit lines, and all of the other tips that helped me get a credit score well above average, he never listened.

When we separated for good I let him know that he needed to get the car in his name or sell it to pay off the loan.  He was always “working on it,” but nothing was ever done and no real effort was ever made.  Finally, on the advice of my lawyer, I gave him until the end of 2012 to get it in his name or surrender the vehicle to me so that I could sell it.  During that time I also became aware of the fact that he was smoking in the vehicle.  I had always had suspicions (and raised them every time I got in the vehicle, as seldom as it was), but got confirmation after we were separated (something I wrote about here).

I started researching ways to sell the car considering its condition and the fact that all those “extras” he wanted had inflated the amount owned on the car beyond its value.  As it became clearer and clearer that the car probably wasn’t going to sell for as much as was owed, I contacted Mr. Mess.  I had exhaustively researched the options for selling it to a private party versus a dealership.  I had a little more leverage for negotiating with a dealership, and it was much more complicated to sell to a private party when there was a lien on the vehicle and more owed on it than it was worth.  On December 26th, Mr. Mess contacted me to say he would be dropping off the car that Friday.  The following conversation occurred:

Me:  If I lose money on the car because of the high mileage and smoking, what are you prepared to do (if anything) to help?

Him:  I am willing to pay next months payment to give you a month to sell the car

Later that week, he texted me to let me know that he had dropped off the car.  When I got home I found that he had washed it and put an air freshener in it.  The unmistakable smell of cigarette smoke still permeated the entire vehicle, and there were some nice new pen marks all over the passenger seat.  I took it immediately to the Nissan dealership to see what they could offer.  In its condition, the amount they would give me was over two grand less than the loan.  I texted him immediately to let him know.  This is what followed:

Him:  You can keep the entire tax return to help with that.  I just don’t need to hear about it anymore.

Me:  So I can keep the tax refund if there is one?

Him:  Every bit of it

With that assurance, I was able to go to another dealership and get them to give me a little more for the trade-in if I purchased a car there.  It took my loss to an even $2,000.  I did that with the understanding that the tax refund had been promised to me.  Last year it was about $4,000.  This year it would probably be less since he completely raided his 401K, which meant that the taxes and early withdrawal penalties would all have to be paid from any refund due.  I asked him to wait until the first of the year, but he refused to wait the few extra weeks…  I figured that even if it wasn’t a $4,000 refund this year, at least his half of the return should cover a substantial chunk of the $2,000 loss.

So… that was the plan.  Until last week.  Then suddenly I got a text from him that said:

“Been thinking about the whole tax thing and have come to this conclusion.  I am willing to help out with some of the cost of the car but I cannot put myself into a financial bind by giving you the entire return.  I am sure we will be getting a pretty good sized return and i am willing to split it 70-30.  If that isn’t good enough then we can just file separately.”

I was in the Social Security office at the time changing my name, so I didn’t see that text or a missed call from him until I was walking out of the building.  I tried to call him back (less than 2 minutes after he had called me), but it went to voicemail.  I then sent him the text:

“I need to recoup the $2K.  That was your decision to add the extras and it was your car.  I shouldn’t have to pay for your inability to get it in your name.  Whether I agree to a 70/30 split will depend on the amount of the return.”

Ten minutes later, the following text exchange began:

Him:  I don’t think you get it.  The car was never legally mine it was your and Im saying we do a split of 70-30 or i am filing on my own.  I don’t need your consent to do that.

Me:  No but I can sue you for it in the divorce and go after you for my lawyer fees on the grounds of abandonment if you want to play hardball.  My lawyer is more than capable of doing that.  Especially because I have something in writing from you that I will get the whole tax refund.  I’m trying to be reasonable but you put yourself in the situation where you are nearly 50 and couldn’t afford the car you wanted on your own.  Not my fault.  I am done paying for your mistakes literally and figuratively.

Him:  You threw me out if anyone abandoned anyone it was you.

Me:  I asked you to leave but you did and legally in the eyes of the court that is abandonment.  Ask your lawyer.  Words alone can’t force someone to give up and leave… legally what you did is abandonment.  And I’m not afraid to use the law in my favor.  I’m not being unreasonable I’m just not going to lose $2000 over the car you picked out and drove.

Him:  You asked me to leave your house which you made clear was your house never our house.  My name is nowhere on your mortgage.

Me:  Nope and it doesn’t have to be for me to sue for abandonment.  It would just be easier if you would agree to look at the tax refund before getting into some ridiculous back and forth.  Already a portion will have to be used to pay your taxes and penalties because you withdrew money from your retirement account.  Now you don’t want to give me what you agreed to in order to cover the car you wanted that I got stuck with because your job and credit are bad.  I’m glad you aren’t willing to put yourself in a bad financial position but you don’t mind sticking me with your problems and putting me in one.

Him (2 days later):  Give me a time and place you can get together and do the taxes.

That time will occur at some point this weekend.  The place with be the office of a professional tax preparer.  I am hoping that the location will help stop any irrational arguments that he might try to start.  I’m hoping that he will be reasonable and we can get this done in a way that will be fair so I don’t get stuck holding the bag and paying the for his mistakes literally and figuratively once again.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I Have A Roommate

For the first time ever, I have someone living with me who is not a romantic interest…  My sister.  After some long conversations and negotiations over their separation, my step-Mom decided to come home and try to work things out with my Dad.  She’s always been a “cut and run” kind of person – as evidenced by the fact that this is her 4th marriage.  However, she has apparently decided to actually work on things this time.  At least that was her decision today.  Who knows about tomorrow.

What does that have to do with my sister, you ask?  She was has been living with them while she goes to college nearby.  They do not want an audience while they try to work things out.  They (not so politely?) told her to move out for 2 months.  She doesn’t really have anywhere to go.  Her boyfriend lives about 45 minutes away in HIS parent’s house.  They are away in Florida for the winter, but will be back before the 2 months is out.  It’s also quite a drive away from her school.  Then there’s her dog to consider.

She told me that over the phone at lunch today, dissolving into tears.  My newly single status plus the fact that I’m her current next-door neighbor meant that it was kinda a no-brainer for me to offer her to stay in (one of) my spare bedroom(s).  If you haven’t read Samantha’s post earlier today, I do for friends.  Well, I do even more for family.  That means I now have another person living with me again.  This time will be much different than the other two times.  We’ll see how it goes.

My sister was already planning to stay with her boyfriend most of this week.  However, tonight she had a test at school, which is not too far away.  They want her out tonight, with less than 12 hours notice (Wow was my reaction to that…).  So before my sister left for school she came by and dropped off some of her things.  And her dog.

Now I’m watching Dexter, listening to her dog whine for her at the door, and drinking a beer.  Okay, 3.  After cleaning out my back bedroom, gathering several bags full of things to donate, and moving some heavy furniture around to accommodate my sister’s thing, I’m pretty tired.  Having a roommate is already exhausting and it’s only been a few hours.

While I was writing, my sister arrived home.  She quickly realized that my refrigerator currently has little to nothing in it worth having for dinner.  While we’re waiting for her pizza to arrive we’re gonna watch Ripper Street.  One positive thing so far is that watching her dog try to learn how to use my doggy door is hilarious.  Maybe that’s just the 3 beers, but I don’t think so because she’s laughing her ass off, too.  🙂

It’s Official!!!!

I got it in the mail today – my name change is official!  I open that envelope and literally jumped up and down squealing in my kitchen.  I have NEVER done that before, not when I got into college or graduated, and not for any other major or significant event in my life.

I don’t have anything to compare it to.  I’m not sure I’ve felt such relief or joy.  Ever.  I am me again.  I’m no longer carrying around the extra baggage of his name like a permanent yoke around my neck.  Its freeing in a way I couldn’t imagine before it was an actual reality.

It looks like tomorrow will be spent making calls, visiting the DMV, and ensuring my correct name is everywhere it possibly can be.  Yay!!!

If I’m this happy about the name, I can only imagine how it will be when I get that divorce paper!!!

Apparently I’m a Nut Job

Just thought you guys should know.  You wouldn’t want to follow the blog of a nut job would you?  Hahaha.  🙂

I asked if he was still going to his Saturday morning meetings because I’ve been avoiding that group for a while for fear of running into him.  I didn’t want to make things awkward.  I just asked because I’ve missed the ladies in that group and wanted to know.  He said he hasn’t been to “one of those meetings” since he left, so I should go to that one again if I want.

He also said that he is never going back, and made this snide face that I can’t quite describe.  He was standing there with his greasy hair sticking up in all directions and a superior look on his face, like he was getting great pleasure out of proving how much better he is than me (by continuing in his addiction and denying there was ever a problem).  I broke and said something like, “Of course not.  You like being completely screwed up sexually.”  Then he said, “And you like being a nut job.”  I said, “Okay, sure” and he repeated himself as he finally walked out of the door.

That conversation was on the heels of another gem.  He said that he didn’t want to take anything that I had paid for so that I couldn’t write about him on my “little blog” to tell all of my “people” that he was a deadbeat – as his car was outside full of things that I had paid for.  I said as much – what kind of weird double standard is it to not want to take anything your spouse paid for while carrying an armload of things they bought?  Then he said that he didn’t think gifts applied – although all the kitchen things he took tonight were just items I purchased while he was in school for him to use in the house.  Truly, I’m not going to use them and he needed to take all of it because I don’t want to look at it and he’s the only one who needs a pasta maker and ravioli press and other crap that I can’t remember the name of.  But still… don’t say you don’t want anything I paid for when the only things in this house are things I bought.

Then he said something like, “We can both just keep anything we bought, including gifts,” because then he could have “all the jewelry” he got me.  I asked, what jewelry? The one necklace (that his brother paid for) and the wedding rings?  He then claimed to have purchased me several diamond necklaces, but couldn’t name any other than the (only) one he gave me 3 years ago, which his brother put on his credit card.  Oh, and the $90 earrings he gave me at our wedding reception.  Apparently he didn’t like that reminder of his lack of money (or responsibility) during our entire relationship because that’s when he started raising his voice and giving me the crazy eyes.

Before he left he mentioned something about not being able to wait for April.  Like I’m just pining away for him over here.  LOL.  I offered him an out – just admit that you cheated on me and this can be done immediately, like yesterday.  The papers can be filed and everything can be finished as soon as a judge signs the order.  He then said that he never cheated on me.  Really?  Oh, and that he lied about the 4 other women he had affairs with to “speed things along.”  Riiiiggght!  Maybe he’s even convinced himself of that.  Why he wouldn’t just have left on his own is a mystery, but when you make up lies they never make complete sense.

I was very, very tempted to say that he should enjoy his hand as much as possible since that is the only partner he will get again other than possibly some internet skank who he can exchange STDs with.  But I restrained myself.  Temporarily.  I did buckle and couldn’t help but deliver a closing blow by text:

“Your family must be nut jobs too because several of them have contacted me to say they can’t believe I lasted as long as I did being married to you.”

(Aside:  This is completely true – cross my heart and hope to die.  I was as surprised as anyone to get multiple Facebook messages, texts and emails from HIS family congratulating me on cutting him loose…)

I followed that up with:

“And even if you claim not to have cheated, what’s one more lie?”

Immature?  Certainly.  But I don’t really care.  I’ll be the bigger person tomorrow.  Tonight I have a cold, I got 5 hours of sleep, and I needed to unload on someone.  He made a good target, especially since he goaded me to the point where I didn’t care to restrain myself any more.  Plus, I’m a nut job, right?

Name Change in Progress!

I am so excited!!!  Today I got the ball rolling on my official name change.  Sure, I could wait until April when the divorce is final, but I really, really don’t want to.  It is time to get rid of his name!  When I left the circuit court this afternoon after turning in my forms and paying the $41, I was smiling like a fool.  I wanted to run around laughing and skipping and acting like a little kid who just got out of school for the summer.  I restrained myself (barely), although there might have been a skip or two in my step.  🙂

This is one more thing on the journey to being the new me.  Mr. Mess is also coming by tonight (if he shows) to pick up the last of his things from my house.  That means as of tonight I should have nothing left in my house that belongs to him or that he could even lay claim to (I discovered he plans to take a night stand and camping gear we purchased together, which I’m just giving him to avoid any conflict).  Then in as little as 2-3 business days I could be rid of his name, too.  That’s real progress!  I see a light at the end of this tunnel!

Last night I hung out with a bunch of friends at a Panera.  We all caught up on our various situations, chatted, ate good food, and admired the new baby girl one of them brought along (she is 5 months old and seriously could be the new Gerber baby… so adorable!).  As I was talking about the separation and impending divorce I couldn’t help but have a huge grin on my face.  It was so funny how basically all of them confirmed that if they were in my shoes they would have been long gone ages ago.  I told them that maybe I should have been, but at least this way I know that I did everything I could and then some.  I have no regrets, just peace that this is the right path for me to be on.

Another friend asked me now that things are over with my husband, what have I learned about myself to keep me from going down this same path with another guy?  There was a chorus of “good question” remarks all around.  I thought about it for a bit, and gave several answers.  One is that I now know what I need, and I will not accept anything less.  I’m not going to fall into the “savior” trap – where I want to rescue someone from bad circumstances or show them what love can offer to heal them.  Nope.  I’m also not looking for someone to “complete me.”  I want someone who is already complete, and I want to be complete all on my own.  I want someone that compliments me, has something to offer, and takes care of their business (and me).

I have gained so much – I am a different person that I was, which is evident just from reading through this blog.  I’m so ready to emerge out of this darkness into the wide open spaces beyond!

Share this:

I absolutely love this post. It is raw and honest and dead-on about many of the emotions that come up when someone has lied to you and betrayed you for years. I was right there with her, reliving my own marriage, during this entire post.

When she talked about giving your everything to someone, only to have them give you barely anything except lies in return, I was nodding my head, remembering that pain. When she spoke of the embarrassment, especially this line –

“I was the blind idiot who’d made it my life’s mission to be your number-one cheerleader and help you boost your career…”

– I knew EXACTLY what she was talking about. When she mentioned second-guessing herself when she knew there was something wrong, yet being fed yet more lies, I could unfortunately relate on a deep level. When she talked about her anger and urge to break ribs and cause as much physical pain as he inflicted emotionally, since he seems to have a lack of empathy or any ability to understand what he has put her through, I wanted to cheer.  These lines are haunting:

“I need you to feel the pain that I feel, the pain that you’ve caused me — that is, if, someday, you ever become capable of feeling emotions like this. Like you’re strapped to a table, inexplicably and hideously alive, simultaneously witnessing and feeling the bloody, stabbing-death of your own happiness. And the Hollow Empty that’s left in its absence.”

And finally, the wonderful realization at the end that she needs to cut her losses and let go of that anger to finally move on… It filled me with such hope and peace for her. The reality of our situations, the truth that we have to face is that “he is not who or what I want/need him to be!” There is such freedom with those realizations. Accepting those things, acknowledging our pain and brokenness, then moving on with our heads held high is simply beautiful.

Why Am I Not Surprised?

I was supposed to have to deal with Mr. Mess today, yet I was somehow spared that unpleasantness. You see, last week Mr. Mess texted me to arrange for a time to pick up the rest of his things.  On Monday he asked to come over this weekend.  I told him that Sunday would be a fine day.  He said okay and thanked me.   I got another text from him on my birthday with my name misspelled (yeah, really…).  After that, nothing.  When I didn’t hear from him yesterday or this morning about what time he would be here I figured he wasn’t coming.  No skin off of my teeth (what does that expression mean, anyway?  It’s really weird…).

I’m really not surprised at all that he didn’t come by like he said or even call or text to cancel.  It’s very typical of him.  He is a self-centered, inconsiderate and inconsistent person, so I would have been more surprised if he HAD contacted me on Saturday to firm up a time for today, then actually showed up at that time.  Sadly, I no longer have expectations of him doing anything that he says he will do.  I honestly don’t even know what there is left for him to get at this point – maybe a pasta maker and the mattress set that belongs to my sister (now me) because he told me to “do whatever I wanted” with his set and my Dad tossed it out?  Possibly something from the shed (although I looked in there this afternoon and didn’t see anything of his)?

I had a brief moment where I wanted to send him a snarky text offering to take his things to the dump if he doesn’t want them.  However, I quickly abandoned that idea, deleted the draft, and went about my business.  Really, that’s the best (and only) thing for me to do.  I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I just took all of my Christmas decorations down today (What?  I like Christmas!).   🙂  Besides that I was able to get some laundry done, reorganize my living room (after taking down the tree and decorations I had to put things back in order), cuddle with my dog Buddy, catch up with a few friends and most of the blogs I follow, start a new book, visit with my Dad and sister (separately), and watch the final playoff games.

It feels good to be accomplishing things and completely separating myself and my world from his.  It’s about time!   As far as I can tell, there are just 3 more hurdles to get over – this (the last few things he wants to pick up), taxes, then the divorce.  It’s exciting.  I’m trying to keep things as amicable and drama-free as possible.  That’s why I’m especially proud of myself for just letting today go and not striking out.  He may be trying to keep his foot in the door of my life or bate me, but since I am no longer invested in him it wont work.

All I need to do right now is get through these few things to the other side.  I can hardly wait!

Just a few more trips through the gutter to get through to the flowers on the other side.

Letting Go of False Fairytales

Have I mentioned lately that I love Pandora radio?  Right.  I have.  Well, today it did it again – played the perfect song.  I don’t know how it knew.  I don’t even like Taylor Swift usually.  In fact, I think I have “thumbs downed” a few of her songs in the past.  Her voice is too sweet and childish for me.  She seems to fall in love every other second.  I find her pretty annoying, honestly.  Her winning vocalist of the year is a joke.  She may be a great song-writer, but a vocal powerhouse she is not.

With all that being said, today her song White Horse came on my Pandora radio channel, and everything froze just for a second.  I have heard the song many times before, but today I really listened.  Then I looked up the below video.  I didn’t cry, but I’m certain that another day, another time I would have.  This is where I was 3 months ago (almost to the day).  Maybe some of you are there now.  Personally, I’m living in the very end of that song – the part where I know there is someone else who will actually treat me the way I deserve.  I’m glad that I let go of that false fairytale.

 Lyrics – White Horse

Say you’re sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
‘Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around

Baby I was naíve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake, I didn’t know,
To be in love you had to fight to get the uppper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I’m so sorry

Cause I’m not your princess
This ain’t our fairytale
I’m gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it’s too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Oh
It’s too late
To catch me now

Sometimes Goodbye is Necessary to Really Live Life

I discovered Pandora radio this week.  I purchased a new car because it was the only way for me to handle the financial loss from the car that Mr. Mess gave back to me.  The $2,000 loss was easier to handle rolled into a new car payment than directly out of my bank account.  Mr. Mess is also going to let me take the entire tax refund to help offset that loss since the other car was his and the options that he added (like the extended warranty and fabric protection) is what made the car more expensive than it was worth.

So, anyways… Back to the story.  My new Chevy Cruze has Pandora radio built into it.  I have never used it before, but once I did I was hooked.  I love the ability to customize radio stations and get new songs added based on my previous preferences.  I’ve even started playing it at my desk because I love it so much.

This morning when I arrived to work I opened up the Pandora Radio page that is pinned to my taskbar.  I switched to my favorite country radio station.  I had it playing softly and half-way listening while I did my work.  Suddenly a Carrie Underwood song came on that I’ve never heard.  I didn’t buy her first CD even though I love her voice.  It just seemed a little religious and there was only one song from the radio on it that I liked.  I have purchased everything she’s put out since she got away from the American Idol record label, though.  Because I have marked a “thumbs up” on several of her songs before, Pandora obviously decided to play some of her older stuff, too.

The song that played this morning is “Starts with Goodbye.”  The lyrics and emotion in the song fit what I was feeling when I made the decision that divorce was the only way I could be happy.  It also made me think of a blogging friend who is struggling with this concept right now.  It’s very, very difficult to let go of your ideas of what life was supposed to be.  It is even harder to realize that the potential you thought you saw just isn’t there.  When I finally came to a point of accepting the truth of my husband, my marriage, and what my life would look like for the next 30 years if I didn’t make a change, I was able to say goodbye.

That was the beginning of my ability to really live my life to its fullest.  That is the day I found my happiness.  It all had to start with a goodbye.

I was sitting on my doorstep
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
But I knew I had to do it
And he wouldn’t understand 

So hard to see myself without him
I felt a piece of my heart break
But when you’re standing at a crossroad
There’s a choice you gotta make 

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down
Like fallin’ when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye 

I know there’s a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me
Getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life’s so bitter sweet

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down
 Like fallin’ when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye  

Time heals the wounds that you feel
Somehow right now

 I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down
 Like fallin’ when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

Does anyone else out there know what I mean?  Not just about love or a marriage.  We have to let go of all sorts of things to achieve true happiness.  I will have to let go of not only my marriage, but the hurt and pain and betrayal.  To realize my true potential at work and in life I will have to let go of my self-defeating behaviors and thoughts.  I have to say goodbye to self-doubt, uncertainty, and the fear of failure.  2013 is my year to say goodbye to the things that are holding me back and hello to all that life has to offer!  I hope that’s what 2013 brings for you, too.

You Won’t Find This

In the last week or so since my last post I have been really enjoying my family and having a spectacular holiday.  I truly can’t remember one in recent history that has been so nice.  For the first time ever my grandma on my Dad’s side celebrated Christmas on a day other than Christmas Eve.  We all gathered down there on Sunday.  I got to see my cousin who I haven’t seen in years and catch up with my Dad’s brothers.  It was nice to watch football, drink beer, and talk about silly things.  I laughed a lot and was glad to interact with my younger cousins who I usually only get to see on Facebook (and boy do they love it).

On Christmas Eve I spent time with my Mom’s Mom, who taught me how to knit.  I went to a candlelight Christmas Eve service at my Mom’s church that was surprisingly wonderful – full of Christmas carols, family, and joy.  Then I had dinner, watched my step-sisters and niece and nephew open presents, and hung out with my step-Dad’s side of the family.  It was great to see the excitement on the faces of the two kids.  There was Christmas music playing in the background, presents everywhere, beautiful lights, and a real sense of happiness and family in the air.

There was some sad news, too.  My grandfather, Pa, who I wrote about here and here, was my Mom’s step-Dad.  Her father died when she was 16, and he was the only grandfather I ever knew on that side.  His son, who is named after him, owns homes in Georgia and Florida.  I wasn’t very close to him growing up, but when my grandfather got sick, he and his wife moved up to this area.  I really, really like him.  He is a pilot, just like Pa was.  Right before Pa died his son took him up in his helicopter.  Having his son around made my Grandpa so happy, and they became quite close with the rest of us as well.

His wife, my aunt, was a very sweet woman.  She had lung cancer a few years back, and they thought it had been cured.  Shortly after Pa died they discovered that it had moved to her brain.  They moved back to Georgia where some of her family and her doctors were.  My Grandma talked to her all the time.  She even offered to have them both come stay with her when my aunt’s brain cancer got so advanced that she was starting to get disoriented and confused.  On Christmas Eve we got a call that she had passed away that morning.  It was very hard for my Grandma to deal with.  We found out right before the candlelight service, which made that service even more emotional.

Despite that loss, or maybe because of it, sharing Christmas with my family was very sweet.  I savored the moments – really soaked them in.  I also didn’t have the constant pain and hurt and fear hanging over my head from my ex.  It was just the pure, simple pleasure of being with people that you love completely who love you the same in return.  I spent the night at my Mom’s house on Christmas Eve.  On Christmas morning my brother, Grandma, sister and her boyfriend all came over, too.  We watched Christmas movies, had brunch, opened gifts, talked, laughed, and had a ball.

Afterwards my brother and step-Dad came back to my house and put together my brand new, amazing bed frame for me.  It was nice to hear them connecting and bonding over building that bed for me.  It is gorgeous – hand-welded metal, heavy-duty, intricate iron work – my dream bed.  It’s even better to get rid of a bed frame that I hated anyway and shared with both Mr. Mess and my previous partner.

My new bed

I have also begun wrapping things up in other areas, too.  Slowly but surely Mr. Mess and I are unravelling all of the loose ends still left.  I have gotten rid of the car he had that was in my name.  I had to take a loss, but he’s going to let me keep the tax refund to help cover it.  He’s also supposed to be off of my car insurance, although that didn’t actually happen.  Instead, when I checked yesterday not only was he still on there, but so was his new car.  Huh?

I texted him to let him know and find out what was going on.  He said that he got a new card and it doesn’t have my name on it, so he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.  I checked online and called – both places show him on my account as well as his new car.  I took the extra car off yesterday by phone and told him to check his insurance because if he doesn’t have his own policy then he no longer has car insurance.  During the course of that conversation he said something like, “if you think I want to have anything to do with you then you are crazy.”  Ummm… okay.  I was just trying to let him know to be nice.  Guess I should have just cancelled it and let him get in trouble with the DMV or cops.

That comment got me thinking, though.  His actions have left him in a place where he lost something that he will never find again.  My family is wonderful.  We are close, we spend time together, we do everything we can for our own.  He was one of us.  Now he has lost an entire extended family – grandparents and parents (which he doesn’t have anymore), brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins.  He has some of those things, but they hardly ever see each other.

Not only that, but he will never find another woman like me.  I know that sounds vain, but it’s honestly true.  I’m educated, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded, accomplished, sweet, giving, beautiful, sexual, young, vibrant, and well-spoken.  I gave him more acceptance and love and forgiveness than he can hope to get from another person ever again.  I gave him everything I had and then some.  He used me and lied to me and took that all for granted.  And now I’m the crazy one?  It’s laughable and sad at the same time.

This song came to mind yesterday, and it’s still with me.  He won’t find what he had with me.  He won’t find the things that he threw away.  He might not be single forever, but he won’t find this.

Did you check the tires
Put gas in the car
Don’t think you need too much,
’cause you ain’t gonna get that far
Did you pack the good times
Don’t forget a map
Just in case the route you take isn’t there to take you back

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
When you’re lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
 In the end, close is all there is
But you won’t find this
No, you won’t find this

There’s once in a lifetime
And there’s once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
When you’re lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
 In the end, close is all there is
But you won’t find this

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
Find what I already know
In the end, close is all there is
Oh, in the end it’s me you’re going to miss
‘Cause you won’t find this
Oh, you won’t find this

The Perfect Song Came on My Radio Today

This song is perfect for me and where I am right now.  I’m the complicated, giving, tough, overachieving, scarred, strong, mess of a woman who is finding who she is, figuring out that she will be okay, and opening her heart to the possibility of something more in life.

Little Miss done on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I’ll get tough, don’t you worry ’bout me anymore
Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I’ll take less when I always give so much more
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose ’til ya win,
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright,
It’ll be alright again, it’ll be alright again
I’m okay, It’ll be alright again, I’m okay (okay) It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I’ll make more anytime that it runs out
Little Miss you’ll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose ’til ya win,
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright,
It’ll be alright again, it’ll be alright again,
I’m okay, It’ll be alright again, I’m okay (okay) It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved
Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she’s ready now for love
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose ’til ya win,
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright,
It’ll be alright again, it’ll be alright again
I’m okay, It’ll be alright again, I’m okay (okay) It’ll be alright again, I’m okay,
It’ll be alright again

The Separation Agreement is Signed!!!

In Virginia we don’t have a legal separation; however, in order for a couple with no children to divorce after only 6 months, they do need a separation agreement.  This can be a simple piece of paper saying they agree to live separately and have divided their property equitably.  Today that document was signed by both myself and Mr. Mess.

He chose the located Starbucks as the meeting place, and texted me with no notice that he was going to be there for 30 minutes if I wanted to meet him.  I zoomed over, paper in hand.

When I walked through the door I saw him sitting at a table with a laptop.  I don’t remember him looking so old.  The gray in his scraggly, untrimmed facial hair was incredibly obvious.  His hair was sticking in funny directions.  His face was drawn.  I sat down, passed some things across to him, and in less than 5 minutes it was done!

I left smiling ear to ear and fighting an urge to jump, squeal, and run around like a crazy person screaming “I’m almost free” at the top of my lungs.  🙂  I’m on my way to divorce and couldn’t be happier.

Something Has Changed Within Me

I have gotten comments from many people, both here on my blog and in “real life,” that I seem different.  It’s because I am.  I can’t necessarily put my finger on exactly what it is, but something deep within me has changed.

The one song that I have been playing over and over that epitomizes how I feel right now is Defying Gravity.  My all-time favorite musical is Wicked.  I loved the book before they even made it into a Broadway musical.  I have seen it in New York, D.C., and Richmond.  I could watch it hundreds of times and never get tired of the amazing story, music, whimsy, costumes, message, and wonder it inspires in me.

Defying Gravity is the most famous song from that show for a very good reason.  My current favorite version of the song comes from Glee.  The episode itself was also very touching.  It included themes of being who you are despite difficult odds, standing up for yourself, fighting for what’s right, and finding internal peace and acceptance.  All of those things are apropos for my life in general and where I am now specifically.

I want to share this inspiring music with you today.  I hope that you, too, are defying the odds in your life, creating your own rules, trusting your instincts, taking chances, and refusing to be brought down by whatever circumstances you are up against!

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game

Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I’m
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down…

I’m through accepting limits
‘Cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change,
But till I try, I’ll never know!

Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye,
I’m defying gravity.
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you won’t bring me down.

I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye,
I’m defying gravity.
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity

And you won’t bring me down!
Bring me down!
Ahhahhoahh

Giving Up

One of my favorite blogs to follow is Daily Divorce Meditations.  Even before I had officially decided to divorce, I gained such strength and insight from her words. Yesterday this post caught my attention.

It really resonated with me.  Tonight I’m at an S-Anon retreat where we listened to a CD on emotional sobriety.  It is amazing and I’m going to share it when I go home and track down the link.

Afterwards we got into a deep discussion (which is still continuing).  One topic that came up is when do you know when enough is enough if you’re a giving person?  How do you care for yourself and others?  When do you know it’s the time to give up?  How do you reconcile taking care of yourself with not “abandoning” the addict?  My thoughts went back to the above post, specifically this section:

If I have given my all, if I have tried my best, if I have done everything in my power to make something succeed over a significant period of time and it still isn’t working… then I have to be honest with myself, put my ego aside, and admit that maybe this is not the right path for me… that maybe… it is time to give up… and that my Higher Power is trying to point me in a different direction… a better direction…  my true spiritual path that I am choosing to ignore by being resistant to giving in due to my own stubborn self-will.”

I can admit now that the path I was on was not the one for me.  I am glad that I gave up on the unhealthy relationship in my life so that I could make room for a  better relationship, a better direction, and a better life.