This is something that I am working on right now – letting go of his recovery. It is on him. He needs to learn to take positive action for himself. If we have any chance of ever making this marriage work there can be no more lies. He has to take responsibility for really doing the work. If he can’t then I need to recognize that means he doesn’t want this enough. I can’t want it enough for both of us. And I have to recognize that sometimes there is a time to let go completely.
Another quote from this great new blogger also caught my eye today. She said, “It’s up to him to grab a shovel and dig himself out now, dig this marriage out. It’s his turn to work hard and to solve things, if that’s what he wants. He caused this mess in the first place.” It’s true. It is up to him to prove to me that he is committed and willing to put the effort in that this marriage requires. It’s time for him to be the pig.
Being a Beautiful Mess 
If you love something let it go….
So true, and so difficult. That’s why I wonder what monitoring the WS really accomplishes, even though I sympathize with the motivation.
It really accomplishes nothing except a false sense of security and control. In my opinion, that is actually pretty dangerous because it can lead you to ignore gut feelings because you think “there is no way” they could be doing something without your knowledge (delusional).
That’s exactly what happened to me for eight years. I was certain playing detective resulted in me finding everything. The problem is I was never a good enough detective. Actually, no that was not the problem. The problem was the lies and the responsibility I took in monitoring and searching his stuff instead of expecting him to be a decent, honest guy. It became addictive and never solved anything.
Absolutely. Because at the end of the day, opportunity can always be created if the desire is high enough. We can’t (and I certainly wouldn’t want to) be with each other 24/7. We can’t monitor their every move. We have to sleep sometime. Unless we are independently wealthy, we have to work. There is really no way to know “for sure” that someone is doing what they should be. That’s where trust is so important.
I’m at the point where if I can’t trust my partner to act with integrity, to be honest, and to remain faithful then the relationship basically doesn’t exist. Or at least it is so lop-sided that I am always on the losing end. I’m tired of always being on the losing end. I’m totally over it.
Me too! This is my line in the sand.