Tonight just might have been the last time I had to see Mr. Mess. He came to pick up the small amount of the tax return that I kindly offered. I gave him the last few odds and ends I found that belong to him. He was here less than 5 minutes. And that should be it!
Hopefully when I file for divorce next month I won’t even have to see him. My lawyer will just take care of everything. He can sign the papers when he gets them. I won’t have to be there or see him. I’m pretty sure that we won’t even have to go to court together – I think the judge will just sign the order. Here’s hoping!
So, our taxes have officially been filed and accepted by the Federal and State Departments of Taxation. This is the latest in my entire life I’ve ever waited to file. To make a long story short, I filed them myself. That decision was made after we visited Mr. Mess’s choice of a tax preparer and realized not only was the man about 120 years old, but he also wasn’t do anything special for the $280 he wanted. When he put all of the documents we had brought and put them in a folder, I made sure said folder was placed into my hands. Yay!
A few short days later, I have filed our taxes, gotten a confirmation that they were accepted, and all I need to do now is wait for the direct deposit. Into my savings account. He made his case for getting a portion of the return, even though it wasn’t nearly as much as he anticipated it would be. I still haven’t decided how much, if anything, I will give him.
Once I saw the $3K plus that I had to pay taxes and penalties on that he took from the retirement account, it effectively reduced the portion of the refund that I was thinking of giving him. Suddenly his pity party sob story about living paycheck to paycheck meant nothing. He had over three thousand dollars and a job. If he has already blown through it in not even 3 months (maybe that New Year’s trip wasn’t the best idea?), then that’s his problem.
Hope everyone out there in blog land is doing well!!!
I was reading the post of one of my favorite bloggers when I had an epiphany of sorts. Her last few posts have been about trust, which you know is on my mind a lot. In the post Reflections on trust, she talks about all the ways her husband’s lies have affected her and made her feel devoid of value. She went through 20 years of being lied to. It blows my mind. Still, some people who comment on her blog seem to think that she should devote more time to waiting around for her husband to magically change.
One went so far as to say,
“A trauma that taught him as a child to lie and keep secrets. Just because he has a grown mans body, a job, kids and a wife does not mean that he was ever taught to tell the truth. Do do what we are taught as children, it carries over into adulthood. You know I’m not making excuses for H’s affair, it was wrong he knew it was wrong but he was doing what he learned as a child. Now he’s trying to unlearn those behaviors, it’s not going to happen over night… Don’t punish him for what he IS doing.”
That literally made my blood boil. It’s not going to happen over night? Give him more time?! That’s your advice?! He was screwed up as a kid, he wasn’t taught to tell the truth, he’s just doing what comes naturally to him, so… what?!?! She should just accept that? Learn to live with it? Wait some undetermined, potentially indefinite period of time for him to MAYBE, POSSIBLY LEARN to have a conscience and stop being a lying piece of shit?!?!?!?!?! Disregard the 20 years of lies? Forget about all these months he spent as an unremorseful ass? Push aside the fact that he may not be in love with her at all and just keep hanging onto a dead marriage…? Because he did two decent, minimal things and made a few short-lived gestures?
What about the possibility that there is no change coming down the road…? What if there is no fantastical, happy ending? What if there is no pot of gold? Maybe he is just broken. Irreparably. Maybe he will be a lifelong liar. Maybe there just really is no hope for their marriage. Have those people stopped to consider the fact that she isn’t obligated to continue being dragged around in the mud behind him?
Maybe they have and maybe they haven’t. I guarantee that they haven’t had a moment where the switch flipped and they just knewthat it was over.
I know how much lies can just destroy your soul. Lies can literally kill any love that you had for someone. I reached a point with my husband’s lies where that one more lie was just too much to handle. That only took 5 years for me. I can’t imagine the hell of being with someone emotionally closed-off from you who has been actively lying for 20 years! It blows my mind. She deserves a medal for toughing it out as long as she has so far.
Another thing I know those commenters don’t understand is that there comes a point where there really is no return. No more “waiting” for the other person to make a change that will be too little, too late. Once I turned that corner and flipped that switch, it was over. Done. No turning back. There was a moment when I knew that there was no recovery, no making the marriage work. I even tried to fight against it a little, but it was hopeless, even for me. Once you have crossed that line, an impenetrable wall goes up and that’s just it.
It is hard to describe that moment to someone who hasn’t had one. There isn’t an overwhelming feeling of hatred or spite. In fact, the presence of those emotions for me meant that I was still hanging on to him in some way. That moment of letting go, feeling the relationship die, it didn’t make me want to scream and yell and kick. It was just a gentle click. In that moment I lost all ability to feel much of anything for him besides vague pity, lingering hurt, and a deep desire for it to be over and to no longer have him in my life.
I can say with absolute honesty that my husband could do everything I ever asked of him, worship the ground I walk on, and never tell me a single lie for the rest of his life, and it wouldn’t matter. I could have assurances that if he even uttered one false word he would be struck dead in his tracks. He could never cheat again, never watch one more second of porn, never so much as look at another woman. He could make every dream I’ve ever had come true. He could hit the lottery and win millions. None of it would matter. Nothing he could ever do would be enough to get back the love I once had for him.
He murdered that with his lies.
He destroyed it with years of half-truths, gaslighting, and hiding his true emotions and feelings from me.
Like I wrote in my post, I’m Getting Tired of Talking About Lying, I got to a point where I was tired of being lied to, tired of wondering what the truth was, and tired of expending emotional energy on the same thing over and over. He was too broken, and I could not wait around anymore.
That moment for me came when he lied about STD testing and health insurance. That is when he killed any chance we ever had of being together. That was the final “click.”
The love just shriveled up and died.
Just like people, love can’t come back once it’s dead. Even if it could, it would be a zombie – undead, cold, feeding off of the flesh of anyone close to it.
As I mentioned in the post, Sometimes Goodbye is Necessary to Really Live Life, there was $2,000 financial loss from the car that Mr. Mess gave back to me. The car was purchased for him, and he was the only one to ever drive it on a regular basis (I think I took it to work maybe twice under special circumstances). When we went to pick out and purchase the car he added options like the extended warranty and fabric protection that I was against and would never have gotten. However, he thought that they were important, and I allowed him to make the decision since it was HIS car.
Right… except for the fact that his credit was too bad to actually get the car in his name. I guess it was a good thing for him that he was married to someone whose credit score is 802. And a very bad thing for me, it would turn out.
That decision to put the new car in my name came only 6 months after we were married. I was naive and happy and in love. I trusted this man. Just 5 days later I would make a discovery of images that were disturbingly close to child pornography on his phone. I would uncover layers and layers of lies. We would start down the path of addiction counseling, therapy, 12-step groups, and marriage counseling. None of it would work. He would continue lying. And 2 years later I would still be regretting the decision to sign my name on that loan document.
Almost immediately after that nuclear DDay, talks began about getting the vehicle in Mr. Mess’s name. He tried at least 3 times to get a loan through his local credit union, a bank that he had been a member of for decade and where his sister had worked for over 20 years. Yeah… even they weren’t stupid enough to trust him with a loan. Time and again he was denied.
Sometimes it was because of the multiple bills he had in collection from before he met me. Sometimes it was due to his incredibly low income. Sometimes it was due to his ridiculously large debt to income ratio. Sometimes it was because his credit utilization was out of this world. Despite my advice about getting rid of those collection bills, never, ever using more than 50% of your credit lines, and all of the other tips that helped me get a credit score well above average, he never listened.
When we separated for good I let him know that he needed to get the car in his name or sell it to pay off the loan. He was always “working on it,” but nothing was ever done and no real effort was ever made. Finally, on the advice of my lawyer, I gave him until the end of 2012 to get it in his name or surrender the vehicle to me so that I could sell it. During that time I also became aware of the fact that he was smoking in the vehicle. I had always had suspicions (and raised them every time I got in the vehicle, as seldom as it was), but got confirmation after we were separated (something I wrote about here).
I started researching ways to sell the car considering its condition and the fact that all those “extras” he wanted had inflated the amount owned on the car beyond its value. As it became clearer and clearer that the car probably wasn’t going to sell for as much as was owed, I contacted Mr. Mess. I had exhaustively researched the options for selling it to a private party versus a dealership. I had a little more leverage for negotiating with a dealership, and it was much more complicated to sell to a private party when there was a lien on the vehicle and more owed on it than it was worth. On December 26th, Mr. Mess contacted me to say he would be dropping off the car that Friday. The following conversation occurred:
Me: If I lose money on the car because of the high mileage and smoking, what are you prepared to do (if anything) to help?
Him: I am willing to pay next months payment to give you a month to sell the car
Later that week, he texted me to let me know that he had dropped off the car. When I got home I found that he had washed it and put an air freshener in it. The unmistakable smell of cigarette smoke still permeated the entire vehicle, and there were some nice new pen marks all over the passenger seat. I took it immediately to the Nissan dealership to see what they could offer. In its condition, the amount they would give me was over two grand less than the loan. I texted him immediately to let him know. This is what followed:
Him: You can keep the entire tax return to help with that. I just don’t need to hear about it anymore.
Me: So I can keep the tax refund if there is one?
Him: Every bit of it
With that assurance, I was able to go to another dealership and get them to give me a little more for the trade-in if I purchased a car there. It took my loss to an even $2,000. I did that with the understanding that the tax refund had been promised to me. Last year it was about $4,000. This year it would probably be less since he completely raided his 401K, which meant that the taxes and early withdrawal penalties would all have to be paid from any refund due. I asked him to wait until the first of the year, but he refused to wait the few extra weeks… I figured that even if it wasn’t a $4,000 refund this year, at least his half of the return should cover a substantial chunk of the $2,000 loss.
So… that was the plan. Until last week. Then suddenly I got a text from him that said:
“Been thinking about the whole tax thing and have come to this conclusion. I am willing to help out with some of the cost of the car but I cannot put myself into a financial bind by giving you the entire return. I am sure we will be getting a pretty good sized return and i am willing to split it 70-30. If that isn’t good enough then we can just file separately.”
I was in the Social Security office at the time changing my name, so I didn’t see that text or a missed call from him until I was walking out of the building. I tried to call him back (less than 2 minutes after he had called me), but it went to voicemail. I then sent him the text:
“I need to recoup the $2K. That was your decision to add the extras and it was your car. I shouldn’t have to pay for your inability to get it in your name. Whether I agree to a 70/30 split will depend on the amount of the return.”
Ten minutes later, the following text exchange began:
Him: I don’t think you get it. The car was never legally mine it was your and Im saying we do a split of 70-30 or i am filing on my own. I don’t need your consent to do that.
Me: No but I can sue you for it in the divorce and go after you for my lawyer fees on the grounds of abandonment if you want to play hardball. My lawyer is more than capable of doing that. Especially because I have something in writing from you that I will get the whole tax refund. I’m trying to be reasonable but you put yourself in the situation where you are nearly 50 and couldn’t afford the car you wanted on your own. Not my fault. I am done paying for your mistakes literally and figuratively.
Him: You threw me out if anyone abandoned anyone it was you.
Me: I asked you to leave but you did and legally in the eyes of the court that is abandonment. Ask your lawyer. Words alone can’t force someone to give up and leave… legally what you did is abandonment. And I’m not afraid to use the law in my favor. I’m not being unreasonable I’m just not going to lose $2000 over the car you picked out and drove.
Him: You asked me to leave your house which you made clear was your house never our house. My name is nowhere on your mortgage.
Me: Nope and it doesn’t have to be for me to sue for abandonment. It would just be easier if you would agree to look at the tax refund before getting into some ridiculous back and forth. Already a portion will have to be used to pay your taxes and penalties because you withdrew money from your retirement account. Now you don’t want to give me what you agreed to in order to cover the car you wanted that I got stuck with because your job and credit are bad. I’m glad you aren’t willing to put yourself in a bad financial position but you don’t mind sticking me with your problems and putting me in one.
Him (2 days later): Give me a time and place you can get together and do the taxes.
That time will occur at some point this weekend. The place with be the office of a professional tax preparer. I am hoping that the location will help stop any irrational arguments that he might try to start. I’m hoping that he will be reasonable and we can get this done in a way that will be fair so I don’t get stuck holding the bag and paying the for his mistakes literally and figuratively once again. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Just thought you guys should know. You wouldn’t want to follow the blog of a nut job would you? Hahaha. 🙂
I asked if he was still going to his Saturday morning meetings because I’ve been avoiding that group for a while for fear of running into him. I didn’t want to make things awkward. I just asked because I’ve missed the ladies in that group and wanted to know. He said he hasn’t been to “one of those meetings” since he left, so I should go to that one again if I want.
He also said that he is never going back, and made this snide face that I can’t quite describe. He was standing there with his greasy hair sticking up in all directions and a superior look on his face, like he was getting great pleasure out of proving how much better he is than me (by continuing in his addiction and denying there was ever a problem). I broke and said something like, “Of course not. You like being completely screwed up sexually.” Then he said, “And you like being a nut job.” I said, “Okay, sure” and he repeated himself as he finally walked out of the door.
That conversation was on the heels of another gem. He said that he didn’t want to take anything that I had paid for so that I couldn’t write about him on my “little blog” to tell all of my “people” that he was a deadbeat – as his car was outside full of things that I had paid for. I said as much – what kind of weird double standard is it to not want to take anything your spouse paid for while carrying an armload of things they bought? Then he said that he didn’t think gifts applied – although all the kitchen things he took tonight were just items I purchased while he was in school for him to use in the house. Truly, I’m not going to use them and he needed to take all of it because I don’t want to look at it and he’s the only one who needs a pasta maker and ravioli press and other crap that I can’t remember the name of. But still… don’t say you don’t want anything I paid for when the only things in this house are things I bought.
Then he said something like, “We can both just keep anything we bought, including gifts,” because then he could have “all the jewelry” he got me. I asked, what jewelry? The one necklace (that his brother paid for) and the wedding rings? He then claimed to have purchased me several diamond necklaces, but couldn’t name any other than the (only) one he gave me 3 years ago, which his brother put on his credit card. Oh, and the $90 earrings he gave me at our wedding reception. Apparently he didn’t like that reminder of his lack of money (or responsibility) during our entire relationship because that’s when he started raising his voice and giving me the crazy eyes.
Before he left he mentioned something about not being able to wait for April. Like I’m just pining away for him over here. LOL. I offered him an out – just admit that you cheated on me and this can be done immediately, like yesterday. The papers can be filed and everything can be finished as soon as a judge signs the order. He then said that he never cheated on me. Really? Oh, and that he lied about the 4 other women he had affairs with to “speed things along.” Riiiiggght! Maybe he’s even convinced himself of that. Why he wouldn’t just have left on his own is a mystery, but when you make up lies they never make complete sense.
I was very, very tempted to say that he should enjoy his hand as much as possible since that is the only partner he will get again other than possibly some internet skank who he can exchange STDs with. But I restrained myself. Temporarily. I did buckle and couldn’t help but deliver a closing blow by text:
“Your family must be nut jobs too because several of them have contacted me to say they can’t believe I lasted as long as I did being married to you.”
(Aside: This is completely true – cross my heart and hope to die. I was as surprised as anyone to get multiple Facebook messages, texts and emails from HIS family congratulating me on cutting him loose…)
I followed that up with:
“And even if you claim not to have cheated, what’s one more lie?”
Immature? Certainly. But I don’t really care. I’ll be the bigger person tomorrow. Tonight I have a cold, I got 5 hours of sleep, and I needed to unload on someone. He made a good target, especially since he goaded me to the point where I didn’t care to restrain myself any more. Plus, I’m a nut job, right?
I am so excited!!! Today I got the ball rolling on my official name change. Sure, I could wait until April when the divorce is final, but I really, really don’t want to. It is time to get rid of his name! When I left the circuit court this afternoon after turning in my forms and paying the $41, I was smiling like a fool. I wanted to run around laughing and skipping and acting like a little kid who just got out of school for the summer. I restrained myself (barely), although there might have been a skip or two in my step. 🙂
This is one more thing on the journey to being the new me. Mr. Mess is also coming by tonight (if he shows) to pick up the last of his things from my house. That means as of tonight I should have nothing left in my house that belongs to him or that he could even lay claim to (I discovered he plans to take a night stand and camping gear we purchased together, which I’m just giving him to avoid any conflict). Then in as little as 2-3 business days I could be rid of his name, too. That’s real progress! I see a light at the end of this tunnel!
Last night I hung out with a bunch of friends at a Panera. We all caught up on our various situations, chatted, ate good food, and admired the new baby girl one of them brought along (she is 5 months old and seriously could be the new Gerber baby… so adorable!). As I was talking about the separation and impending divorce I couldn’t help but have a huge grin on my face. It was so funny how basically all of them confirmed that if they were in my shoes they would have been long gone ages ago. I told them that maybe I should have been, but at least this way I know that I did everything I could and then some. I have no regrets, just peace that this is the right path for me to be on.
Another friend asked me now that things are over with my husband, what have I learned about myself to keep me from going down this same path with another guy? There was a chorus of “good question” remarks all around. I thought about it for a bit, and gave several answers. One is that I now know what I need, and I will not accept anything less. I’m not going to fall into the “savior” trap – where I want to rescue someone from bad circumstances or show them what love can offer to heal them. Nope. I’m also not looking for someone to “complete me.” I want someone who is already complete, and I want to be complete all on my own. I want someone that compliments me, has something to offer, and takes care of their business (and me).
I have gained so much – I am a different person that I was, which is evident just from reading through this blog. I’m so ready to emerge out of this darkness into the wide open spaces beyond!
I was supposed to have to deal with Mr. Mess today, yet I was somehow spared that unpleasantness. You see, last week Mr. Mess texted me to arrange for a time to pick up the rest of his things. On Monday he asked to come over this weekend. I told him that Sunday would be a fine day. He said okay and thanked me. I got another text from him on my birthday with my name misspelled (yeah, really…). After that, nothing. When I didn’t hear from him yesterday or this morning about what time he would be here I figured he wasn’t coming. No skin off of my teeth (what does that expression mean, anyway? It’s really weird…).
I’m really not surprised at all that he didn’t come by like he said or even call or text to cancel. It’s very typical of him. He is a self-centered, inconsiderate and inconsistent person, so I would have been more surprised if he HAD contacted me on Saturday to firm up a time for today, then actually showed up at that time. Sadly, I no longer have expectations of him doing anything that he says he will do. I honestly don’t even know what there is left for him to get at this point – maybe a pasta maker and the mattress set that belongs to my sister (now me) because he told me to “do whatever I wanted” with his set and my Dad tossed it out? Possibly something from the shed (although I looked in there this afternoon and didn’t see anything of his)?
I had a brief moment where I wanted to send him a snarky text offering to take his things to the dump if he doesn’t want them. However, I quickly abandoned that idea, deleted the draft, and went about my business. Really, that’s the best (and only) thing for me to do. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I just took all of my Christmas decorations down today (What? I like Christmas!). 🙂 Besides that I was able to get some laundry done, reorganize my living room (after taking down the tree and decorations I had to put things back in order), cuddle with my dog Buddy, catch up with a few friends and most of the blogs I follow, start a new book, visit with my Dad and sister (separately), and watch the final playoff games.
It feels good to be accomplishing things and completely separating myself and my world from his. It’s about time! As far as I can tell, there are just 3 more hurdles to get over – this (the last few things he wants to pick up), taxes, then the divorce. It’s exciting. I’m trying to keep things as amicable and drama-free as possible. That’s why I’m especially proud of myself for just letting today go and not striking out. He may be trying to keep his foot in the door of my life or bate me, but since I am no longer invested in him it wont work.
All I need to do right now is get through these few things to the other side. I can hardly wait!
Just a few more trips through the gutter to get through to the flowers on the other side.
Have I mentioned lately that I love Pandora radio? Right. I have. Well, today it did it again – played the perfect song. I don’t know how it knew. I don’t even like Taylor Swift usually. In fact, I think I have “thumbs downed” a few of her songs in the past. Her voice is too sweet and childish for me. She seems to fall in love every other second. I find her pretty annoying, honestly. Her winning vocalist of the year is a joke. She may be a great song-writer, but a vocal powerhouse she is not.
With all that being said, today her song White Horse came on my Pandora radio channel, and everything froze just for a second. I have heard the song many times before, but today I really listened. Then I looked up the below video. I didn’t cry, but I’m certain that another day, another time I would have. This is where I was 3 months ago (almost to the day). Maybe some of you are there now. Personally, I’m living in the very end of that song – the part where I know there is someone else who will actually treat me the way I deserve. I’m glad that I let go of that false fairytale.
Lyrics – White Horse
Say you’re sorry That face of an angel comes out Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time ‘Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known, I should have known
That I’m not a princess This ain’t a fairytale I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet Lead her up the stairwell This ain’t Hollywood, This is a small town I was a dreamer before you went and let me down Now its too late for you and your White Horse, To come around
Baby I was naíve, Got lost in your eyes I never really had a chance. My mistake, I didn’t know,
To be in love you had to fight to get the uppper hand I had so many dreams about you and me Happy endings Now I know
I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
And there you are on your knees Begging for forgiveness, Begging for me Just like I always wanted, But I’m so sorry
Cause I’m not your princess This ain’t our fairytale I’m gonna find someone, someday Who might actually treat me well. This is a big world, That was a small town There in my rear view mirror, Disappearing now. And it’s too late for you and your White Horse Now its too late for you and your White Horse To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now Oh It’s too late To catch me now
I discovered Pandora radio this week. I purchased a new car because it was the only way for me to handle the financial loss from the car that Mr. Mess gave back to me. The $2,000 loss was easier to handle rolled into a new car payment than directly out of my bank account. Mr. Mess is also going to let me take the entire tax refund to help offset that loss since the other car was his and the options that he added (like the extended warranty and fabric protection) is what made the car more expensive than it was worth.
So, anyways… Back to the story. My new Chevy Cruze has Pandora radio built into it. I have never used it before, but once I did I was hooked. I love the ability to customize radio stations and get new songs added based on my previous preferences. I’ve even started playing it at my desk because I love it so much.
This morning when I arrived to work I opened up the Pandora Radio page that is pinned to my taskbar. I switched to my favorite country radio station. I had it playing softly and half-way listening while I did my work. Suddenly a Carrie Underwood song came on that I’ve never heard. I didn’t buy her first CD even though I love her voice. It just seemed a little religious and there was only one song from the radio on it that I liked. I have purchased everything she’s put out since she got away from the American Idol record label, though. Because I have marked a “thumbs up” on several of her songs before, Pandora obviously decided to play some of her older stuff, too.
The song that played this morning is “Starts with Goodbye.” The lyrics and emotion in the song fit what I was feeling when I made the decision that divorce was the only way I could be happy. It also made me think of a blogging friend who is struggling with this concept right now. It’s very, very difficult to let go of your ideas of what life was supposed to be. It is even harder to realize that the potential you thought you saw just isn’t there. When I finally came to a point of accepting the truth of my husband, my marriage, and what my life would look like for the next 30 years if I didn’t make a change, I was able to say goodbye.
That was the beginning of my ability to really live my life to its fullest. That is the day I found my happiness. It all had to start with a goodbye.
I was sitting on my doorstep
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand But I knew I had to do it And he wouldn’t understand
So hard to see myself without him
I felt a piece of my heart break But when you’re standing at a crossroad There’s a choice you gotta make
I guess it’s gonna have to hurt I guess I’m gonna have to cry And let go of some things I’ve loved To get to the other side I guess it’s gonna break me down Like fallin’ when you try to fly Sad but sometimes Moving on with the rest of your life Starts with goodbye
I know there’s a blue horizon Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me Getting there means leaving things behind Sometimes life’s so bitter sweet
I guess it’s gonna have to hurt I guess I’m gonna have to cry And let go of some things I’ve loved To get to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down Like fallin’ when you try to fly Sad but sometimes Moving on with the rest of your life Starts with goodbye
Time heals the wounds that you feel Somehow right now
I guess it’s gonna have to hurt I guess I’m gonna have to cry And let go of some things I’ve loved To get to the other side I guess it’s gonna break me down Like fallin’ when you try to fly Sad but sometimes Moving on with the rest of your life Starts with goodbye
Does anyone else out there know what I mean? Not just about love or a marriage. We have to let go of all sorts of things to achieve true happiness. I will have to let go of not only my marriage, but the hurt and pain and betrayal. To realize my true potential at work and in life I will have to let go of my self-defeating behaviors and thoughts. I have to say goodbye to self-doubt, uncertainty, and the fear of failure. 2013 is my year to say goodbye to the things that are holding me back and hello to all that life has to offer! I hope that’s what 2013 brings for you, too.
In the last week or so since my last post I have been really enjoying my family and having a spectacular holiday. I truly can’t remember one in recent history that has been so nice. For the first time ever my grandma on my Dad’s side celebrated Christmas on a day other than Christmas Eve. We all gathered down there on Sunday. I got to see my cousin who I haven’t seen in years and catch up with my Dad’s brothers. It was nice to watch football, drink beer, and talk about silly things. I laughed a lot and was glad to interact with my younger cousins who I usually only get to see on Facebook (and boy do they love it).
On Christmas Eve I spent time with my Mom’s Mom, who taught me how to knit. I went to a candlelight Christmas Eve service at my Mom’s church that was surprisingly wonderful – full of Christmas carols, family, and joy. Then I had dinner, watched my step-sisters and niece and nephew open presents, and hung out with my step-Dad’s side of the family. It was great to see the excitement on the faces of the two kids. There was Christmas music playing in the background, presents everywhere, beautiful lights, and a real sense of happiness and family in the air.
There was some sad news, too. My grandfather, Pa, who I wrote about here and here, was my Mom’s step-Dad. Her father died when she was 16, and he was the only grandfather I ever knew on that side. His son, who is named after him, owns homes in Georgia and Florida. I wasn’t very close to him growing up, but when my grandfather got sick, he and his wife moved up to this area. I really, really like him. He is a pilot, just like Pa was. Right before Pa died his son took him up in his helicopter. Having his son around made my Grandpa so happy, and they became quite close with the rest of us as well.
His wife, my aunt, was a very sweet woman. She had lung cancer a few years back, and they thought it had been cured. Shortly after Pa died they discovered that it had moved to her brain. They moved back to Georgia where some of her family and her doctors were. My Grandma talked to her all the time. She even offered to have them both come stay with her when my aunt’s brain cancer got so advanced that she was starting to get disoriented and confused. On Christmas Eve we got a call that she had passed away that morning. It was very hard for my Grandma to deal with. We found out right before the candlelight service, which made that service even more emotional.
Despite that loss, or maybe because of it, sharing Christmas with my family was very sweet. I savored the moments – really soaked them in. I also didn’t have the constant pain and hurt and fear hanging over my head from my ex. It was just the pure, simple pleasure of being with people that you love completely who love you the same in return. I spent the night at my Mom’s house on Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning my brother, Grandma, sister and her boyfriend all came over, too. We watched Christmas movies, had brunch, opened gifts, talked, laughed, and had a ball.
Afterwards my brother and step-Dad came back to my house and put together my brand new, amazing bed frame for me. It was nice to hear them connecting and bonding over building that bed for me. It is gorgeous – hand-welded metal, heavy-duty, intricate iron work – my dream bed. It’s even better to get rid of a bed frame that I hated anyway and shared with both Mr. Mess and my previous partner.
My new bed
I have also begun wrapping things up in other areas, too. Slowly but surely Mr. Mess and I are unravelling all of the loose ends still left. I have gotten rid of the car he had that was in my name. I had to take a loss, but he’s going to let me keep the tax refund to help cover it. He’s also supposed to be off of my car insurance, although that didn’t actually happen. Instead, when I checked yesterday not only was he still on there, but so was his new car. Huh?
I texted him to let him know and find out what was going on. He said that he got a new card and it doesn’t have my name on it, so he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I checked online and called – both places show him on my account as well as his new car. I took the extra car off yesterday by phone and told him to check his insurance because if he doesn’t have his own policy then he no longer has car insurance. During the course of that conversation he said something like, “if you think I want to have anything to do with you then you are crazy.” Ummm… okay. I was just trying to let him know to be nice. Guess I should have just cancelled it and let him get in trouble with the DMV or cops.
That comment got me thinking, though. His actions have left him in a place where he lost something that he will never find again. My family is wonderful. We are close, we spend time together, we do everything we can for our own. He was one of us. Now he has lost an entire extended family – grandparents and parents (which he doesn’t have anymore), brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins. He has some of those things, but they hardly ever see each other.
Not only that, but he will never find another woman like me. I know that sounds vain, but it’s honestly true. I’m educated, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded, accomplished, sweet, giving, beautiful, sexual, young, vibrant, and well-spoken. I gave him more acceptance and love and forgiveness than he can hope to get from another person ever again. I gave him everything I had and then some. He used me and lied to me and took that all for granted. And now I’m the crazy one? It’s laughable and sad at the same time.
This song came to mind yesterday, and it’s still with me. He won’t find what he had with me. He won’t find the things that he threw away. He might not be single forever, but he won’t find this.
Did you check the tires
Put gas in the car
Don’t think you need too much,
’cause you ain’t gonna get that far
Did you pack the good times
Don’t forget a map
Just in case the route you take isn’t there to take you back
You can hold any girl that you like Fall in love when it’s easy at night But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better When you’re lost and run out of road Find what I already know In the end, close is all there is But you won’t find this No, you won’t find this
There’s once in a lifetime And there’s once in a while And the difference between the two is about a million miles Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone
You can hold any girl that you like Fall in love when it’s easy at night But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better When you’re lost and run out of road Find what I already know In the end, close is all there is But you won’t find this
You can hold any girl that you like Fall in love when it’s easy at night But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better Find what I already know In the end, close is all there is Oh, in the end it’s me you’re going to miss ‘Cause you won’t find this Oh, you won’t find this
In Virginia we don’t have a legal separation; however, in order for a couple with no children to divorce after only 6 months, they do need a separation agreement. This can be a simple piece of paper saying they agree to live separately and have divided their property equitably. Today that document was signed by both myself and Mr. Mess.
He chose the located Starbucks as the meeting place, and texted me with no notice that he was going to be there for 30 minutes if I wanted to meet him. I zoomed over, paper in hand.
When I walked through the door I saw him sitting at a table with a laptop. I don’t remember him looking so old. The gray in his scraggly, untrimmed facial hair was incredibly obvious. His hair was sticking in funny directions. His face was drawn. I sat down, passed some things across to him, and in less than 5 minutes it was done!
I left smiling ear to ear and fighting an urge to jump, squeal, and run around like a crazy person screaming “I’m almost free” at the top of my lungs. 🙂 I’m on my way to divorce and couldn’t be happier.
One of my favorite blogs to follow is Daily Divorce Meditations. Even before I had officially decided to divorce, I gained such strength and insight from her words. Yesterday this post caught my attention.
It really resonated with me. Tonight I’m at an S-Anon retreat where we listened to a CD on emotional sobriety. It is amazing and I’m going to share it when I go home and track down the link.
Afterwards we got into a deep discussion (which is still continuing). One topic that came up is when do you know when enough is enough if you’re a giving person? How do you care for yourself and others? When do you know it’s the time to give up? How do you reconcile taking care of yourself with not “abandoning” the addict? My thoughts went back to the above post, specifically this section:
If I have given my all, if I have tried my best, if I have done everything in my power to make something succeed over a significant period of time and it still isn’t working… then I have to be honest with myself, put my ego aside, and admit that maybe this is not the right path for me… that maybe… it is time to give up… and that my Higher Power is trying to point me in a different direction… a better direction… my true spiritual path that I am choosing to ignore by being resistant to giving in due to my own stubborn self-will.”
I can admit now that the path I was on was not the one for me. I am glad that I gave up on the unhealthy relationship in my life so that I could make room for a better relationship, a better direction, and a better life.
Today at work my Office Manager said that she hadn’t heard me mention how Mr. Mess is doing lately. I told her that’s because we’re getting a divorce. At first she was slighty surprised, mostly because she didn’t notice that I haven’t been wearing my wedding rings in some time. Then, the truth started rolling right out of her lips.
I was able to learn that she knew he had been lying to me about several things for a while. One thing I had always suspected, but could never get him to admit: Mr. Mess continued smoking the entire time he told me he had quit. He made a big show of taking Chantix, but only for 2 of the 3 months because it “worked so well.” The Office Manager was aware because she has also been trying to quit.
Well, it turns out my suspicions (and nose) were right. She said that she passed him several times turning into or leaving our neighborhood or the grocery store or various other places lighting up, smoking, or tossing cigarettes out of the window. She is all over this town, and misses nothing (as good gossips rarely do).
Additionally, my Warehouse Manager’s mother lives in my neighborhood. He visits her regularly to have lunch during the week. He passed Mr. Mess several times sitting on my front porch smoking.
All that time he was lying through his teeth to me. I am desensitized to it now, but wonder how many other things like that were complete lies. Probably more than I could ever imagine.
Just to give you a slight taste of what I’m talking about, let me elaborate a bit on this one lie. According to Mr. Mess, any time I smelled cigarettes it was because he walked through a group of people smoking at school. Or (conveniently) later on because he worked in the catering department on site of one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes. That suspicious charge in the same exact amount every day at work wasn’t cigarettes, it was a chocolate muffin and a coke. Riiiiigggghhht! I knew he was lying.
I even saw evidence from time to time – cigarette butts in the front flower bed (which he acted like belonged to some prowler), wrapping from the outside of a carton in the back seat of the car (which someone else must have left there), ashes on his dashboard (which he claimed was just “dust”), burn marks on the visor of the new car (which he had no idea how they got there), lighters that would magically appear and disappear around the house (which he just “found” leftover from before or were for lighting candles), and the horrible, ever-present smell of cigarettes in his car and on his clothes that he just COULDN’T smell. Wow… He must have thought I was an idiot or something to believe his half-assed, poor excuses.
But those lies are just a metaphor for the pitiful, half-assed, poor excuse of a man that he is. The sad part is that it doesn’t make any sense to lie about that shit. If he was a man, he would just be one. Tell the truth. It’s not that hard to do. Really. Want to slowly kill yourself with foul-smelling, cancer-sticks – just say so! Seriously… why all the (bad) lies?
I think the answer is because at the end of the day he doesn’t have a backbone. Also, he knows how I feel about cigarettes and couldn’t handle my truth. If smoking was that important to him, then put that out there and be ready to accept the truth of what’s important to me. That would require honesty. And possibly an end to his gravy train. Which is what I think is ultimately the cause of all of his recent pettiness and temper tantrums. He actually has to stand on his own two feet now that I’m not picking up what’s he’s putting down.
The other thing that the Office Manager said that really stuck with me is that she should have known I was done with him because of how happy I’ve been lately. Oddly enough, that was the second time today I had heard something very similar. My therapist told me that I am the most content, peaceful and happy that he has ever seen me. It’s true. I laugh and smile all day long. I do the things that make me happy. I am living without lies, and the honesty I’m getting back from the world is amazing.
I told my Office Manager today that the next time she meets someone I’m dating she should let me know if her loser alert starts going off. Apparently it had been all along with Mr. Mess. However, I got married very shortly after starting there, and we didn’t have the kind of honest relationship that we have now. She told me that she was always concerned that he was just using me (ding, ding – you get a cookie!), that he was far beneath what I deserve (right again!), and that I can do much better (amen!). She committed to full honesty from this point forward, knowing that I can handle it (and won’t fire her – :)).
Somehow I have a feelings that I won’t have that problem again, though. I’ve had my fill of lying, messed up, immature, irresponsible, uneducated, men who lack ambition, imagination, sex drive, and a future. I am a stronger, more confident person coming out of this than I was going in. I know what I deserve, and I’m going to make sure I get it.
I have heard from some of you that are concerned about me. I am still here, and I’m doing great. I have taken a bit of a break from this blog for several reasons.
First, and most importantly, now that I have made the decision that this marriage is beyond the point of saving it’s like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. All of the angst and turmoil and second-guessing is just gone. Vanished. I don’t have a pressing need to blog about all of this because my mind is free and clear.
Another thing is that I’ve been busy living my life. I’m taking karate and kick boxing, and I try to go every night (if possible, and if I can motivate myself). I have been doing more with my family. I’ve been focusing on my music – singing, practicing, making a little money at it, and even tuning up my guitar again. I’m going on a retreat this weekend with a bunch of women from S-Anon. I’ve been working around my house, doing all sorts of things that my husband was too lazy to do. I take all three of my dogs on walks around the neighborhood (separately to give myself a little more exercise). It’s been great.
Finally, I’m pretty sure my husband is still an email follower of my blog. I would rather not give him a window into my life and my heart and my mind anymore. He had his chance at that, and he threw it away.
So, if you don’t hear from me as much, take it as a good sign. Know it means that I’m moving on, having fun, and living my life. Breathe a sigh of relief for me that the lying, deceit, and drama are now (mostly) gone from my day-to-day world. Sure, there will be hurdles and bumps along the way until my divorce is final in April. I’m just in countdown mode right now, though. There is no more indecision, doubt, or worry in my life. Just happiness, growth, self-confidence, and a deep peace of mind.
I have come to the conclusion that my marriage is really not going to work. Mr. Mess is so immature, irresponsible, damaged, and emotionally stunted that I can’t wait for him to get himself together. That may never happen. Even if it did, I think my ability to trust him has been damaged so much that it is completely beyond repair. I need to move forward to something and someone that is healthy, together, and right for me.
In order to do that I have to do something that I never, ever thought I would do – get a divorce. I have to wrap my head around the fact that I have given my all and it still wasn’t enough. I have to accept that this marriage failed. I never wanted that to happen. I don’t like failing in anything, especially something that I find as important as marriage. I have to accept the fact that I made the wrong decision when I tied myself to this man “for life.” He wasn’t the one for me. Maybe there isn’t a “one.”
I don’t like to admit those things. I didn’t want to accept them. This marriage has just reached its inevitable conclusion. There’s nothing left. He has nothing for me. Even if he wanted to (which he has made clear that he doesn’t), any effort on his part to actually be my husband would be far too little, far too late. No STD testing? It’s his problem if he has a serious illness or contracts one in the future, for that matter. No psychiatric examination? He’s the one who has to deal with his bipolar, narcissistic personality, ADHD self, not me. Hallelujah!
Now that I have closure and peace about the fact that there is really nothing more I can do and there is nothing he has to offer me, I have set my eyes on the process of divorcing in Virginia. I’ve found a few things that are good to know and that put my mind at ease a bit. Like I thought, we still have to be separated for 6 months. That means I won’t be free until April at the earliest. That’s okay, though… I can make it.
Some other stuff that I’ve discovered:
The Commonwealth of Virginia has a “no fault” divorce known as voluntary separation. It usually means that you and your spouse have separated after mutually and voluntarily agreeing that you no longer wish to live together as husband and wife and that there is no hope for a reconciliation. Your spouse cannot threaten or blackmail you into leaving; you separate because you both want to. To get a divorce on this ground you have to be separated without interruption (not even one night) without cohabitation (not a single incident of sexual intercourse) for one year (six months if no children) and there is no hope of reconciliation. Remember though, if this is not a mutual and voluntary situation you will have to use another ground to get a divorce.
The portions in red above were from the site I copied this from; however I would like to point out that none of those items are of any concern to me whatsoever. He will not be here one more night, there is absolutely no chance of any sexual intercourse, and there certainly is no more hope of reconciliation. Having the closure in my heart to be able to say those things with certainty is great.
Another thing that my step-Dad mentioned to me is the possibility that he could seek alimony from me since he basically has no career and no prospects and no savings whatsoever. I’m not a millionaire by any stretch of the imagination, but I am financially secure with a good job. To ease my mind a bit I found this:
What are the Requirements for Spousal Support?
The rules regarding spousal support are often classified based on the length of marriage.
Short marriages
The court assumes that you have kept the same ability to support yourself that you had before marriage.
Each spouse is expected to be substantially independent and self-supporting within a short period of time.
According to what I can find, a short marriage is anything lasting 5 years or less. Our marriage only lasted 2 years. Our entire relationship was just shy of 5. No matter which way you look at it, the courts should expect him to take care of himself. The fact that I’m 20 years younger than him should also help my chances of not having to support his lazy ass.
If I sound bitter it’s because he came by today to pick up his beloved darts (which were worth breaking into my house for, you know) and said that he may try to seek alimony. Really?! I shouldn’t be shocked by his behavior, but nevertheless his level of shamelessness is astounding.
He also said that he wants me to buy him a new bed because the one he told me he didn’t want anymore that I could do anything I wanted with was taken to the dump by my Dad. I didn’t know he was going to do that – I thought he would store it – but he dumped it while I was gone in Atlanta. According to my Dad it was after he talked to Mr. Mess, who didn’t seem to express an interest in coming to get it. I offered the one I have to replace it (which is the same size and a better quality bed), but he said he didn’t want it. Okay…
The main thing that I’m concerned with at the moment is the car that he’s driving, which is in my name. Mr. Mess will spout some garbage that it’s because I’m controlling and have to have everything in my name (which is what he said today). Whatever. He seems to have selective memory since he couldn’t get a loan in his name. Not only is his credit rating terrible, but he also has past-due collections outstanding and a lop-sided income to debt ratio because of his student loans.
He has tried to get a loan in his name for the car like 3 times already, and keeps getting denied. I told him today that he really needs to get that taken care of as soon as possible – either sell the car to pay it off or find a way to assume the loan, maybe with a family member as the co-signer. His extremely helpful reply (sarcasm) was that he is “working on it.” Forgive me if I’m not overflowing with confidence.
Oh well. Things will work out one way or another, and I will be better for having him out of my life. I will miss some of his family, like his sister who got in touch with me yesterday. There is no rule saying we can’t still be friends, which is what I plan. I also plan to be happy. He can’t stand in my way. As much as he is trying his damnest to bring me down, it’s not going to happen. I’m holding onto the knowledge that I gained in Atlanta where I met amazing people with a lot going for them who liked me for me. I have a lot to offer the world, and it has a lot to offer me back.
Last Friday morning I was in my car, parked on the street around the corner from work, trying to get my emotions under control. I had tears streaking down my cheeks, runny mascara, and a splotchy face. I wasn’t crying because something horrible happened. Those tears weren’t bad at all. However, I’ve been conditioned to […]
I was reading the post of one of my favorite bloggers when I had an epiphany of sorts. Her last few posts have been about trust, which you know is on my mind a lot. In the post Reflections on trust, she talks about all the ways her husband’s lies have affected her and made […]
The concept of trust is something that I struggled with in my last relationship quite a bit (as you know if you’ve read this blog at all). As I move forward and put my past behind me, I know that I will also need to open my heart and learn to trust again. In theory, that […]
Today at work my Office Manager said that she hadn’t heard me mention how Mr. Mess is doing lately. I told her that’s because we’re getting a divorce. At first she was slighty surprised, mostly because she didn’t notice that I haven’t been wearing my wedding rings in some time. Then, the truth started rolling right […]
This is something that I am working on right now – letting go of his recovery. It is on him. He needs to learn to take positive action for himself. If we have any chance of ever making this marriage work there can be no more lies. He has to take responsibility for really doing the […]
He then claimed to have purchased me several diamond necklaces, but couldn’t name any other than the (only) one he gave me 3 years ago, which his brother put on his credit card. Oh, and the $90 earrings he gave me at our wedding reception. Apparently he didn’t like that reminder of his lack of money (or responsibility) during our entire relationship because that’s when he started raising his voice and giving me the crazy eyes.
Being a Beautiful Mess 