Moving On (And In)

Photo Credit

It’s been nearly a month since my last post.  I’m still around and reading other people’s blogs, but I’ve found that there’s not much left for me to add to my own.  This chapter of my life is closed.  I no longer have a burning need to write so that I can process.  I don’t have unspoken words and tumbling thoughts weighing me down anymore.  I don’t need to put my feelings on paper to sort through them.  I’m happy, but more than that, I’m content and secure.

I’ve been blogging here for over a year and a half.  I came to WordPress with no purpose or goal, no expectations, and no clue what I was doing.  Slowly I gathered followers and found other people writing about infidelity and its devastating effects.  Many of the people who started blogging at the same time as me have slowly disappeared.  Some said goodbyes, others vanished with no word, and a few are still around typing away.  I’ve decided that I’m now part of the first group: it’s time for me to close up shop and move on.

This blog will remain open.  I still get emails and comments from readers nearly daily, and I will continue responding.  My stats tell me that somewhere around 800 people are reading each day.  I have nearly 200,000 unique hits since my journey began.  I’m still amazed that many people would take the time to read even a portion of this little snapshot of my life.  I am honored and get a bit emotional when something I’ve written has actually helped someone come to a realization, make a decision, feel better about him or herself, feel understood, or otherwise be positively affected.

You all have positively affected my life in many ways, too.  All 635 of my followers, in one way or another.  Some of you have been pillars of strength and reason and wisdom for me.  Many of you have shared deeply personal stories and experiences that helped me understand my own.  I’ve laughed along with you, been moved to tears by comments, and come to many realizations.  I found acceptance, validation, and hope through some of my darkest moments and times when there didn’t seem to be any good choices.  I learned that I wasn’t alone.  I made lifelong friends.  Every single “Like” and follow gave me confidence and a sense of belonging that I didn’t have before.

Maybe it sounds silly to get all of that from a blog.  And from virtual strangers from all over the world sitting behind a computer, on a phone, or otherwise connected to this great web of communication called the internet.  I did, though.  In a strange way that I can’t quite explain, writing this, telling my story, working through my feelings in the “open,” and relating to others through comments here and on other blogs caused me to know myself in a way I never had.  It crystalized my feelings about myself: who I am, what I need, and how I want to live my life.  For that, I can’t thank you all enough.

This blog has helped me discover myself and what I want so effectively that I no longer need it.  Instead of a required outlet it has become an afterthought.  Worse, it sometimes feels like a drain – I just don’t have the time or inclination to keep it up.  Rather than feel guilty or obligated (due to my people-pleasing nature) and limping along with half-hearted posts, I would like to make a graceful exit.  Well, as graceful as I can manage.  😉

I will, however, leave you with one final update.  This move away from my blog coincides with another move: in with Tony.  It will be a gradual process, but it has already started.  I’ve got (almost literally) mountains of things to sort through at my house – pictures, movies, nicknacks, household items, multiple dressers and closets (and part of a room) full of clothes that have accumulated for decades, and more.  Thankfully, things can move at a leisurely pace because I will be renting some space in my house to my sister.  Rather than worry about getting rid of old furniture, moving in one weekend, or having to sell, I can focus on the warm fuzzies and enjoy the process.  I’ve already got my own closet and towel rack, all of my necessities, and I’m filtering things in as I have the time, inclination, and desire.  More importantly, I’ve got a warm bed to sleep in every night with an amazing man who I love (and who loves me) very, very much.  What more could a girl want?

 

The Wait is Over

There are at least 10 other things I should be doing right now, but I wanted to post a quick update.  I have heard from my lawyer and confirmed with the court that my divorce has officially been granted.  Yay!  I still haven’t gotten my decree in the mail, but just knowing it’s done is fantastic!  I even took a screen shot of the website in the meantime:

As you can see, I’ve actually been totally free since September 25th!  It took almost a year, which I still find ridiculous given that it was supposed to be only 6 months.  The separation/ divorce process was actually 1/3 of our total time being married.  It was also the best part of the whole thing.  I take that back – having it completely over and being able to move on is the best part.

Good, Bad, and Ugly

I know… what a cliché of a title, right?  I should do better!  It just seemed to fit, though.  There’s been a lot going on in my life.  Some of it is great, some of it is horrible, and some is funny and a little painful.  I was sick last weekend with a high fever, then last Monday I was out in the field doing a setup.  The week took off from there. Today I figured that I should give a little update.  I’ll just go in chronological order for now.

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So first… the ugly.  Last Tuesday I got off work over an hour late due to some meetings.  I decided to treat myself to a little Mexican, and I got it to go because I really wanted to just sit on my couch and vegetate.  I got home to a mailbox full of junk mail.

I was in a pretty awesome mood, singing the tune off of the radio, loud and smiling.  I unlocked the door to find my wiggly Buddy there to greet me.  He was so cute hopping around, and he obviously wanted to go out to the front yard and pee on a few bushes.  I let him slip by me and kept the door propped open with my foot, thinking he would come right back in like normal.

Only he didn’t.  He decided to go running down to the neighbors house.  He’s usually pretty good about coming back when I call him.  But this time he just slowed down a little and kept wandering closer and closer to the edge of the road.  I kept calling, and he kept ignoring.

Since I’ve already had one animal (a cat) killed by a car in this neighborhood, Buddy is literally half blind, and it was so close to quitting and getting home time, I decided to go after him.  That’s when my heel slipped, my ankle went out from under me and I fell down the steps onto the concrete sidewalk.  I hit my ass on the stairs on my fall, scraped up my right knee, and managed to dump half of my dinner out on top of me.  Fun.  I’m actually laughing right now, but it was more of stunned silence that followed my spill.

I checked myself for major harm, and found none.  Of course Buddy trotted right over to help himself to my chips and salsa.  I sat there, legs splayed, grateful I was wearing a skort, not a skirt.  I pulled my heels off, managed to salvage the dinner, even though the aluminum container was smushed, and carried that into the kitchen.  I came back for my purse and keys in another trip, then picked up the mail that was now on the lawn.

Finally finished pigging out, Buddy came inside behind me.  I then stripped down and hopped in the shower to wash off the grass and dirt and blood and salsa that was covering me.  I poured peroxide on the scrapes and cuts on my knee, then bandaged it.  My knee is still all scraped up, I have scratches down my leg, up my thigh, and on my arm.  The pièce de résistance,  though is the massive hell of a bruise on my ass.  It’s the size of a fist and a deep purplish red color.  I’ll spare you the pictures.

Note to self: chasing after a dog while juggling take out, mail, my purse and keys, and wearing high heels… not a good idea.

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Next was the good.  The following day, last Wednesday, my boss took all of us “executives” out on his boat.  Correction: his yacht. It’s something that he does once a year to show his appreciation.  It was so wonderful.  The weather was beautiful.  The ride took us past Mount Vernon and Fort Washington.  We walked around National Harbor.  Ate amazing seafood.  Had Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.  Then we stopped and went swimming.  I found a big shark tooth.  It was a nearly perfect day.  I didn’t get home until late again, but this time there was no fall down the steps.

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As if all of that wasn’t enough, the week had more in store for me.  I woke up Thursday morning and felt like shit.  Beat up. Between repeatedly lifting 50+ pound rotors on Monday, falling down the stairs on Tuesday, and riding for hours in a boat on Wednesday, I was exhausted and sore.  I just wanted to crawl back under the covers and stay there. I should have.

Ever have a premonition that a day is just going to suck?  I had one of those, and I was right.

I got a call from my gynecologist office.  That’s never a good thing.  I had my annual last week.  If everything had been fine I would have gotten a letter in the mail.  Instead, I got a call.  Abnormal results.

The woman on the phone was very reassuring.  She explained that abnormal results happen for a variety of reasons and it does not mean that I have cancer.  However, I get to go back to the gyno next week.  My doctor is out on vacation until August 19th.  I said fuck that.  I’m not waiting over a month until they could get me in (August 27th).  So I asked for whoever they could get me in with as soon as possible.  Apparently some women are weird about male doctors, so two of them had openings.  It doesn’t bother me one bit.  It’s not like he’s gonna rape me or something, and I’m not really shy.  Plus, I just want some answers.

They will be doing a procedure called a colposcopy.  They will be looking at my cervix with a microscope after putting a solution on there to make the abnormal cells stand out.  They will do a scraping and take some biopsies.  It will probably be painful.  I’ve been advised to take Motrin before I go.  Yeah, like that’s gonna do a whole lot to help.  Whatever.  I’m tough.  Pain has never scared me.

It is what it is.  Hopefully it will be nothing and everything will turn out okay.

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So there’s my (not so) mini update.  I had more good yesterday.  I got to go to a Kix Brooks, Dierks Bentley, and Miranda Lambert concert.  I had VIP parking and VIP seats and access to the VIP area.  My Mom and sister and grandma went with me.  We had a fantastic time.  Three generations of lovely ladies enjoying amazing music.  I’m just going to keep moving forward, keep living my life, and keep finding happiness as best as I can.  I’ll do all of that with a smile on my face.

From last night

The Beginning of the End of Us

A year ago today I had a significant moment.  I blogged about it (of course) here.  It wasn’t incredibly dramatic, but it was the beginning of the end… The moment when my heart finally started moving on from my abusive relationship.  It was a turning point, a reclaiming of me.  That day was one of the first times I stopped reacting and engaging with Chris when he lied.  I started to, but then stopped myself.  Instead of yelling or carrying on or crying, I calmly told him that his continued lying was unacceptable and that we would not be sharing a room that evening or anytime in the foreseeable future, until I felt safe with him again.

Over the next few days, I took care of myself.  I had a massage.  I got a tattoo and a nose ring.  I stopped fighting against the truth that he is a liar.  That’s what he does, and it is what he is.  I wanted the lies to go away, but began to realize that they wouldn’t as long as he was still in my life.  So I started moving on by myself, emotionally.  I planned things just for me, I went to therapy, I went shopping with friends, and I started realizing that I’m worth it.  I contemplated my life and what I wanted, and I started making choices with those things in mind.

During that time he threw temper tantrums.  There’s no other word to describe it.  He whined about me to everyone he could, including his therapist.  He made me into “the bad guy.”  He didn’t like that I wasn’t engaging anymore, that I wasn’t rewarding his bad behavior with my attention.  He actually threw a fit that I’d gotten a tattoo and piercing, even though I had discussed both with him for weeks beforehand, because I didn’t get exactly what I originally was considering.  He couldn’t stand that I’d DARED to make a decision about myself and my body without his say, without him being there.  Which is hilarious considering all he did with his body without my knowledge while we were together.  Things that could and did affect me, unlike my choice to put something sparkly on my nose and some pretty ink on my shoulder.

Although the thing we called a marriage continued to drag on for a few months after that point, when I look back and try to pinpoint the moment where I started to really change, this day a year ago would be it.  That is when I finally accepted that I have no control over him or his decisions and started making healthy ones for myself instead.  One year ago I chose not to live the way I had been living.  He made the opposite decision – to remain in his negative behaviors and patterns, to continue lying, to keep making excuses for himself, and to keep blaming others.  I simply began to realize that those were his decisions to make, and that it would be his loss when I kept moving forward and walked right out of his life.  Or rather, no longer chose to have him in mine.

Today I still don’t have the piece of paper I’m craving that officially severs our legal bonds.  I was really, really hoping to by this point.  I tried to remain realistic about how long the process would take.  My lawyer said it should be 2-4 weeks from the date Chris signed the papers until the date a judge made the final decree.  I mentioned here that my county only has one judge and he only handles divorce cases on Friday.  So I always kept the one month figure in my head as the most likely scenario.

Unlike how long he took to sign everything for the deposition, when it came time to sign the divorce papers I kept texting him daily until he did it.  I got the letter from my lawyer at the very beginning of June (around the 4th or 5th) that it was done and in the hands of the courts.  I was ecstatic because I’ve been planning a vacation in early July for months.  I thought that because it was submitted to the court before the first Friday in June that my odds were good to be divorced before I left.  The 4 week mark (the longest estimate my lawyer gave me) would be the end of June, hopefully putting that decree in my hands at the beginning of July.

Last week I got a letter from my lawyer.  I nearly stopped breathing.  I thought it was THE letter.  I thought that the final dissolution of the marriage would come from the courts and the county, but I was hopeful nonetheless.  Instead it was a letter from my lawyer saying that their part in the process was finished, so they would be filing my case away shortly.  Hoping that meant they knew something I didn’t, I sat back and waited for the letter from the county.  Now, several days later (and the last one before I leave on vacation), I still don’t have it.

I have to admit that I’m pretty disappointed.  Not that it matters… not that it makes a big difference…  But I really, really wanted to be completely and totally done with him in every way before I left for my vacation.  I wanted this to be my first “official” vacation as a single woman once again (actually, my first vacation as a single woman, period, because I haven’t been single for more than a month or two since age 15).  Sadly, it doesn’t look like I’ll have that piece of paper in my hand.

That doesn’t mean that my divorce from him isn’t completely final in my heart, though.  If there’s anything this last year has taught me it’s how to accept the things that I can’t control.  I’ve had many, many opportunities to do that, and I’m starting to get good at it.  Or at least passable.  I certainly can’t control the pace of the court system.  I can, however, choose to be happy and satisfied despite my disappointment.  I can choose to still consider this vacation a milestone.  And I can look back with satisfaction at the journey that this last year of my life has taken me on because I’ve been true to myself.  I’m mastering change, not letting it master me.

Moving On From a Bad Relationship

On my recent post Future of this Blog? I got a request from a reader to address the topic of how to move on from the end of a relationship, especially one that ended badly.  I’ve been thinking on that topic, and considering how to address it.  Honestly, I’m not sure that I’m the best one to give advice on this topic.  I have moved on from Chris (a.k.a. Mr. Mess), and I did it pretty quickly once we were separated.  However, that is mostly because I let things drag on far beyond the point where they should have.  I was able to move on emotionally once we were officially “over” because I didn’t let go and kick him out until I was already there.

I don’t really recommend that approach.  It put me through a lot of unnecessary turmoil and angst and emotional pain.  Holding on that long when I was so obviously being mistreated, lied to, and taken for granted is a hallmark of an unhealthy person.  Some people may argue that it shows love and devotion and strength of character.  Maybe at first.  However, I endured a lot of things that a healthier person would not have accepted.  A lot of things that I would never, ever advise anyone else to put up with.  I did it out of fear and a need for a “safety blanket,” even if said “safety” was actually harming me far worse than moving on would have.

Besides being degrading, that approach is also not possible in cases where the other person leaves you.  You may want to hold on, be willing to accept terrible treatment, and desperately want to “work on” things with someone who isn’t putting forth any effort and has no desire to change (like I was), but have that person walk away.  Or reject you.  Or leave you for someone else.  Either way, you might be looking for the unhealthy “safety blanket,” too, and have it denied, ripped away.  How do you move on then?

If I could do things differently or if I could give anyone else advice who is in a bad relationship it would be to love yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Find yourself.  Put the focus where it belongs – on you, not on him or her.  I think the key to really moving on is to realize what you deserve, find the things that make you happy, and pursue them.  Do some sort of physical activity, whether it be biking or hiking or walking or dancing – something to get your mind and body working together.  Laugh as often as possible.  Watch funny movies, listen to good music, surround yourself with family and friends and people who love you.

I will share something else that has worked for me.  It may or may not work for you, depending on what type of role model you have.  I try to think about my Mom.  What would she do in this situation?  What would she accept?  Would she allow someone to treat her like this, behave this way, etc.?  If not, I ask myself why I accept it.  Then I try not to anymore.  That last part requires the answer to the question that precedes it.  A lot of the time the answer has been that I don’t think I deserve better, or that I’m afraid that I won’t get better if I don’t accept what I’m given.  In order to really move on, I need to combat that voice and find a way to know that I deserve more than what that person and that bad relationship gave me.  If your Mom won’t work, think about a friend or sister or some other person you love and ask yourself if you think they should accept that kind of treatment.  Most likely, the answer is no.

How does that help you move on?  Knowing what you were given in a bad relationship wasn’t good enough makes it easier to walk away emotionally.  When you realize how little there was to mourn and how much better is out there, it becomes easier to accept that it’s over.  Not only to accept it, but to rejoice over it.  I now feel elated that things are done with my ex, and so excited to get the divorce papers back from the judge signed that I can barely wait.  My friends want me to have a divorce party.  I still haven’t planned one, but it sure does sound like a good idea.  I’m not just moving on, I’m dancing on the grave of this terrible relationship.

That’s what you should do, too.  Dance.  Laugh.  Love.  Rejoice.  Take time to pamper yourself, lick your wounds, and realize that you deserve more, you deserve better, and you deserve real love.  The kind of love that you would hope for your Mom or sister or best friend.  The kind of love that treats you well, makes you feel like the most important person in the world, and complements your happiness.  Note that I said “complements your happiness” and not “makes you happy.”   Only you can do that.  Find your happiness inside of you, nurture it, and watch it attract the kind of people who will support it and not leach it out of you.  That’s my advice on how to move on from a bad relationship.

And just because, here’s some musical inspiration:

“I’m Moving On”

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

You call me up to tell me that you’re sorry
But sorry is as sorry does
You can call it what you want to
But damn it, don’t you dare call it love

You’ve got the nerve to ask me if I’m okay
Boy, give it a rest
‘Cause I’m good
And getting better at being my best

They say time can heal all wounds
Well, the sooner the better for me
‘Cause a heart at war damn sure
Will make you be all that you can be

You tore me down piece by piece
But believe me, there’s plenty of me left
Boy, I’m good
Getting better at being my best

I’ve been thrown a lot of curves in this ol’ world
But it’s only made me strong
I suggest you do what I’ve done
And make this call your last one and move on

No’s my final answer
Rest assured that I’m not after anything less
Boy, I’m good
Getting better at being my best

Oh, I’ve cried a river
But you don’t remember
Let me refresh your memory
One last time

Boy, I’m good
And getting better at being my best
Boy, I’m good
Getting better at being my best

Boy, I’m good
Oh, I’m getting better
I’m good
Getting better at being my best

Progress

This last week has seen some significant progress in my world.  The papers were officially delivered to Chris (a.k.a. Mr. Mess).  I have an appointment for a deposition with my lawyer.  The ball is rolling, and things are going in the right direction.

School has been busy, but good.  I’m learning quite a bit and enjoying the ability to stretch myself.  There was a work trip that took me away for the weekend during a time when I had a lot of work to do for school (3 papers).  It also coincided with a surgery that my dog needed to excise a tumor and check it for cancer.  Needless to say, last week was incredibly stressful.  However, the papers got done impeccably, I generated new leads at work, and my precious Buddy is cancer-free and recovering well.

All of that has given me the ability to breathe again, and a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now that the divorce is proceeding.  I even had the opportunity to have a little fun!  Last night I did a duet with a friend of mine who was opening a sold-out show.  We sang Jason Aldean’s song “Don’t You Wanna Stay,” featuring Kelly Clarkson.  We did an acoustic version with him, me, two stools and a guitar.  It was amazing.  We rocked the house.  If you aren’t familiar with the song, here it is:

It was so amazing to go on stage and perform again.  People were cheering and loving it.  I had so, so many people come up to me afterwards and say that they were just blown away.  I’ve missed having music be a part of my life in that way.  I also got to pick out a cute outfit and break out my pink hair extensions again.  I thought I would share some self-portraits from last night.  Pink streaks are fabulous!

Finally, for some levity, I would like to share a little ditty from today.  I decided to treat myself to my favorite Thai restaurant for dinner tonight.  When I went by to pick it up, the owner who is an older, small-statured gentleman from Thailand, started asking me about how things are going for me.  I’m a regular there, and used to go at least once a week when I worked close by.  He said that he has noticed the man I used to bring in with me is gone.  I laughed and said yes.  He said it’s easier that way.  I told him he was soooo right.  Then, in his broken English, he told me, “Next time, you get better looking one.”  I burst out laughing!  I’m still chuckling to myself.

Yes, next time around I will get a better looking one.  More than that, though, I’ll get a better all-around man.  🙂

Why Am I Not Surprised?

I was supposed to have to deal with Mr. Mess today, yet I was somehow spared that unpleasantness. You see, last week Mr. Mess texted me to arrange for a time to pick up the rest of his things.  On Monday he asked to come over this weekend.  I told him that Sunday would be a fine day.  He said okay and thanked me.   I got another text from him on my birthday with my name misspelled (yeah, really…).  After that, nothing.  When I didn’t hear from him yesterday or this morning about what time he would be here I figured he wasn’t coming.  No skin off of my teeth (what does that expression mean, anyway?  It’s really weird…).

I’m really not surprised at all that he didn’t come by like he said or even call or text to cancel.  It’s very typical of him.  He is a self-centered, inconsiderate and inconsistent person, so I would have been more surprised if he HAD contacted me on Saturday to firm up a time for today, then actually showed up at that time.  Sadly, I no longer have expectations of him doing anything that he says he will do.  I honestly don’t even know what there is left for him to get at this point – maybe a pasta maker and the mattress set that belongs to my sister (now me) because he told me to “do whatever I wanted” with his set and my Dad tossed it out?  Possibly something from the shed (although I looked in there this afternoon and didn’t see anything of his)?

I had a brief moment where I wanted to send him a snarky text offering to take his things to the dump if he doesn’t want them.  However, I quickly abandoned that idea, deleted the draft, and went about my business.  Really, that’s the best (and only) thing for me to do.  I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I just took all of my Christmas decorations down today (What?  I like Christmas!).   🙂  Besides that I was able to get some laundry done, reorganize my living room (after taking down the tree and decorations I had to put things back in order), cuddle with my dog Buddy, catch up with a few friends and most of the blogs I follow, start a new book, visit with my Dad and sister (separately), and watch the final playoff games.

It feels good to be accomplishing things and completely separating myself and my world from his.  It’s about time!   As far as I can tell, there are just 3 more hurdles to get over – this (the last few things he wants to pick up), taxes, then the divorce.  It’s exciting.  I’m trying to keep things as amicable and drama-free as possible.  That’s why I’m especially proud of myself for just letting today go and not striking out.  He may be trying to keep his foot in the door of my life or bate me, but since I am no longer invested in him it wont work.

All I need to do right now is get through these few things to the other side.  I can hardly wait!

Just a few more trips through the gutter to get through to the flowers on the other side.

Letting Go of False Fairytales

Have I mentioned lately that I love Pandora radio?  Right.  I have.  Well, today it did it again – played the perfect song.  I don’t know how it knew.  I don’t even like Taylor Swift usually.  In fact, I think I have “thumbs downed” a few of her songs in the past.  Her voice is too sweet and childish for me.  She seems to fall in love every other second.  I find her pretty annoying, honestly.  Her winning vocalist of the year is a joke.  She may be a great song-writer, but a vocal powerhouse she is not.

With all that being said, today her song White Horse came on my Pandora radio channel, and everything froze just for a second.  I have heard the song many times before, but today I really listened.  Then I looked up the below video.  I didn’t cry, but I’m certain that another day, another time I would have.  This is where I was 3 months ago (almost to the day).  Maybe some of you are there now.  Personally, I’m living in the very end of that song – the part where I know there is someone else who will actually treat me the way I deserve.  I’m glad that I let go of that false fairytale.

 Lyrics – White Horse

Say you’re sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
‘Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should have known, I should have known

That I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around

Baby I was naíve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake, I didn’t know,
To be in love you had to fight to get the uppper hand
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I’m so sorry

Cause I’m not your princess
This ain’t our fairytale
I’m gonna find someone, someday
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it’s too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.

Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Oh
It’s too late
To catch me now

Sometimes Goodbye is Necessary to Really Live Life

I discovered Pandora radio this week.  I purchased a new car because it was the only way for me to handle the financial loss from the car that Mr. Mess gave back to me.  The $2,000 loss was easier to handle rolled into a new car payment than directly out of my bank account.  Mr. Mess is also going to let me take the entire tax refund to help offset that loss since the other car was his and the options that he added (like the extended warranty and fabric protection) is what made the car more expensive than it was worth.

So, anyways… Back to the story.  My new Chevy Cruze has Pandora radio built into it.  I have never used it before, but once I did I was hooked.  I love the ability to customize radio stations and get new songs added based on my previous preferences.  I’ve even started playing it at my desk because I love it so much.

This morning when I arrived to work I opened up the Pandora Radio page that is pinned to my taskbar.  I switched to my favorite country radio station.  I had it playing softly and half-way listening while I did my work.  Suddenly a Carrie Underwood song came on that I’ve never heard.  I didn’t buy her first CD even though I love her voice.  It just seemed a little religious and there was only one song from the radio on it that I liked.  I have purchased everything she’s put out since she got away from the American Idol record label, though.  Because I have marked a “thumbs up” on several of her songs before, Pandora obviously decided to play some of her older stuff, too.

The song that played this morning is “Starts with Goodbye.”  The lyrics and emotion in the song fit what I was feeling when I made the decision that divorce was the only way I could be happy.  It also made me think of a blogging friend who is struggling with this concept right now.  It’s very, very difficult to let go of your ideas of what life was supposed to be.  It is even harder to realize that the potential you thought you saw just isn’t there.  When I finally came to a point of accepting the truth of my husband, my marriage, and what my life would look like for the next 30 years if I didn’t make a change, I was able to say goodbye.

That was the beginning of my ability to really live my life to its fullest.  That is the day I found my happiness.  It all had to start with a goodbye.

I was sitting on my doorstep
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
But I knew I had to do it
And he wouldn’t understand 

So hard to see myself without him
I felt a piece of my heart break
But when you’re standing at a crossroad
There’s a choice you gotta make 

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down
Like fallin’ when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye 

I know there’s a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me
Getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life’s so bitter sweet

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down
 Like fallin’ when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye  

Time heals the wounds that you feel
Somehow right now

 I guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess I’m gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I’ve loved
To get to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down
 Like fallin’ when you try to fly
Sad but sometimes
Moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye

Does anyone else out there know what I mean?  Not just about love or a marriage.  We have to let go of all sorts of things to achieve true happiness.  I will have to let go of not only my marriage, but the hurt and pain and betrayal.  To realize my true potential at work and in life I will have to let go of my self-defeating behaviors and thoughts.  I have to say goodbye to self-doubt, uncertainty, and the fear of failure.  2013 is my year to say goodbye to the things that are holding me back and hello to all that life has to offer!  I hope that’s what 2013 brings for you, too.

You Won’t Find This

In the last week or so since my last post I have been really enjoying my family and having a spectacular holiday.  I truly can’t remember one in recent history that has been so nice.  For the first time ever my grandma on my Dad’s side celebrated Christmas on a day other than Christmas Eve.  We all gathered down there on Sunday.  I got to see my cousin who I haven’t seen in years and catch up with my Dad’s brothers.  It was nice to watch football, drink beer, and talk about silly things.  I laughed a lot and was glad to interact with my younger cousins who I usually only get to see on Facebook (and boy do they love it).

On Christmas Eve I spent time with my Mom’s Mom, who taught me how to knit.  I went to a candlelight Christmas Eve service at my Mom’s church that was surprisingly wonderful – full of Christmas carols, family, and joy.  Then I had dinner, watched my step-sisters and niece and nephew open presents, and hung out with my step-Dad’s side of the family.  It was great to see the excitement on the faces of the two kids.  There was Christmas music playing in the background, presents everywhere, beautiful lights, and a real sense of happiness and family in the air.

There was some sad news, too.  My grandfather, Pa, who I wrote about here and here, was my Mom’s step-Dad.  Her father died when she was 16, and he was the only grandfather I ever knew on that side.  His son, who is named after him, owns homes in Georgia and Florida.  I wasn’t very close to him growing up, but when my grandfather got sick, he and his wife moved up to this area.  I really, really like him.  He is a pilot, just like Pa was.  Right before Pa died his son took him up in his helicopter.  Having his son around made my Grandpa so happy, and they became quite close with the rest of us as well.

His wife, my aunt, was a very sweet woman.  She had lung cancer a few years back, and they thought it had been cured.  Shortly after Pa died they discovered that it had moved to her brain.  They moved back to Georgia where some of her family and her doctors were.  My Grandma talked to her all the time.  She even offered to have them both come stay with her when my aunt’s brain cancer got so advanced that she was starting to get disoriented and confused.  On Christmas Eve we got a call that she had passed away that morning.  It was very hard for my Grandma to deal with.  We found out right before the candlelight service, which made that service even more emotional.

Despite that loss, or maybe because of it, sharing Christmas with my family was very sweet.  I savored the moments – really soaked them in.  I also didn’t have the constant pain and hurt and fear hanging over my head from my ex.  It was just the pure, simple pleasure of being with people that you love completely who love you the same in return.  I spent the night at my Mom’s house on Christmas Eve.  On Christmas morning my brother, Grandma, sister and her boyfriend all came over, too.  We watched Christmas movies, had brunch, opened gifts, talked, laughed, and had a ball.

Afterwards my brother and step-Dad came back to my house and put together my brand new, amazing bed frame for me.  It was nice to hear them connecting and bonding over building that bed for me.  It is gorgeous – hand-welded metal, heavy-duty, intricate iron work – my dream bed.  It’s even better to get rid of a bed frame that I hated anyway and shared with both Mr. Mess and my previous partner.

My new bed

I have also begun wrapping things up in other areas, too.  Slowly but surely Mr. Mess and I are unravelling all of the loose ends still left.  I have gotten rid of the car he had that was in my name.  I had to take a loss, but he’s going to let me keep the tax refund to help cover it.  He’s also supposed to be off of my car insurance, although that didn’t actually happen.  Instead, when I checked yesterday not only was he still on there, but so was his new car.  Huh?

I texted him to let him know and find out what was going on.  He said that he got a new card and it doesn’t have my name on it, so he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.  I checked online and called – both places show him on my account as well as his new car.  I took the extra car off yesterday by phone and told him to check his insurance because if he doesn’t have his own policy then he no longer has car insurance.  During the course of that conversation he said something like, “if you think I want to have anything to do with you then you are crazy.”  Ummm… okay.  I was just trying to let him know to be nice.  Guess I should have just cancelled it and let him get in trouble with the DMV or cops.

That comment got me thinking, though.  His actions have left him in a place where he lost something that he will never find again.  My family is wonderful.  We are close, we spend time together, we do everything we can for our own.  He was one of us.  Now he has lost an entire extended family – grandparents and parents (which he doesn’t have anymore), brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins.  He has some of those things, but they hardly ever see each other.

Not only that, but he will never find another woman like me.  I know that sounds vain, but it’s honestly true.  I’m educated, emotionally intelligent, well-rounded, accomplished, sweet, giving, beautiful, sexual, young, vibrant, and well-spoken.  I gave him more acceptance and love and forgiveness than he can hope to get from another person ever again.  I gave him everything I had and then some.  He used me and lied to me and took that all for granted.  And now I’m the crazy one?  It’s laughable and sad at the same time.

This song came to mind yesterday, and it’s still with me.  He won’t find what he had with me.  He won’t find the things that he threw away.  He might not be single forever, but he won’t find this.

Did you check the tires
Put gas in the car
Don’t think you need too much,
’cause you ain’t gonna get that far
Did you pack the good times
Don’t forget a map
Just in case the route you take isn’t there to take you back

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
When you’re lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
 In the end, close is all there is
But you won’t find this
No, you won’t find this

There’s once in a lifetime
And there’s once in a while
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
When you’re lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
 In the end, close is all there is
But you won’t find this

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But, you’ll wake up wondering why she ain’t ever something better
Find what I already know
In the end, close is all there is
Oh, in the end it’s me you’re going to miss
‘Cause you won’t find this
Oh, you won’t find this

Giving Up

One of my favorite blogs to follow is Daily Divorce Meditations.  Even before I had officially decided to divorce, I gained such strength and insight from her words. Yesterday this post caught my attention.

It really resonated with me.  Tonight I’m at an S-Anon retreat where we listened to a CD on emotional sobriety.  It is amazing and I’m going to share it when I go home and track down the link.

Afterwards we got into a deep discussion (which is still continuing).  One topic that came up is when do you know when enough is enough if you’re a giving person?  How do you care for yourself and others?  When do you know it’s the time to give up?  How do you reconcile taking care of yourself with not “abandoning” the addict?  My thoughts went back to the above post, specifically this section:

If I have given my all, if I have tried my best, if I have done everything in my power to make something succeed over a significant period of time and it still isn’t working… then I have to be honest with myself, put my ego aside, and admit that maybe this is not the right path for me… that maybe… it is time to give up… and that my Higher Power is trying to point me in a different direction… a better direction…  my true spiritual path that I am choosing to ignore by being resistant to giving in due to my own stubborn self-will.”

I can admit now that the path I was on was not the one for me.  I am glad that I gave up on the unhealthy relationship in my life so that I could make room for a  better relationship, a better direction, and a better life.

What Will You Do Today?

Today I am getting inspiration from two amazing, beautiful women.  Twisted Lola originally posted the above photo and posed the question, “What’s the one thing you will do on this list today?”  I had already done some singing out loud at my desk, so I joined in on the commenting.  It really wasn’t anything outside of the box, though.  I can’t think of a single day in the past 15 years (or more) that I haven’t sung out loud at least once.  I just say 15 years to be conservative because my memory before 12 isn’t all that great.

Today I read a post from Emotional Tornado where she addressed every single item on the list.  I fell in love instantly, and decided I HAD to challenge myself to do the same.  So here goes.

Take chances.  This is a good one for me because I am usually someone who plays it safe.  I have been taking some chances with my fashion choices lately, but I’m not sure if that counts…  I hadn’t decided until this very moment, but I’m going to test for my yellow belt in karate.  I have been taking a class from a friend, and I love it!  I am also quite a fast learner, if I do say so myself, and have been picking things up very well.  Even though I am 8 weeks behind everyone else, I am going to give it a try and test with the rest of the group in a few weeks.  Maybe I’ll make a fool of myself, but so what.  The end result will be that I don’t have a yellow belt, which I already don’t have.  So, no loss and something to gain – experience at the very least and a belt in the best case scenario.

Tell the truth.  I am finally under 180 pounds as of this morning.  It looks great on me, even if I know certain people still think of a woman in the 170’s as fat.  I am beautiful and happy with myself, and I’m not going to let anyone bring me down.

Date someone totally wrong for you.  I’m married to a sex addict, so does that count?  I love him, and we are working on our marriage every single day.  So I will pass on dating anyone else.  We do plan to continue “dating” each other for as long as we are married, though.

Say no.  This is a good one.  I can’t think of a person or thing I need to say no to at the moment, but I have been working on my codependent trait of always saying yes.  I will say no to staying even one minute late at work today, though.  How’s that?

Spend all your cash.  I never, ever carry cash.  I have been doing pretty well at spending all of my extra money on clothes and shoes lately, though.  I think I actually need to reign that one in a bit.

Get to know someone random.  I have gotten to know some “random” people that I would never have connected with through my blog.  It has helped me break out of my shell.  I also talked a little bit to the new hire at work today.  I found out that his favorite football team is the Cowboys.  Does that count?  I rarely come across random people in my life.

Be random. Every day, all the time.  😉

Say I love you.  I have told my husband that today.  I think I will also make a point of calling my Mom just to say I love you later.  Thanks for the reminder.

Sing out loud.  As I mentioned above, this happens almost constantly, especially on Fridays.

Laugh at stupid jokes. So far today, I haven’t heard any stupid jokes.  I did laugh at a funny story.

Cry.  I teared up today reading a friend’s recent predicament and putting myself in her shoes.  It is nice to have that emotional release.

Apologize.  I apologized for having to cut someone off and take another call just a few minutes ago.  Other than that I haven’t done anything apology-worthy yet today.  The key word is yet.  I will keep an eye out for any future missteps as I continue my day.

Tell someone how much they mean to you.  I have tried to do that today already.  I reached out to help a friend in need who is struggling.  I also expressed my support and sympathy to my aunt (ex-aunt if she and my uncle are now divorced?) over my cousin, who is hospitalized right now due to a schizophrenic episode.  I will also do the same with my Mom when I call her later just to say “I love you.”

Tell a jerk what you think.  Thankfully, this has been a jerk-free day.  I usually don’t keep my opinion to myself in those situations, anyway.  I hate jerks and their jerky ways.

Laugh until your stomach hurts.  I’m not sure that is something you can just do on demand.  We will see what comes today, but I can’t make any promises on this one.

Live life.  I am trying to embrace this fully every single day.  Living life is harder than it sounds.  I have to fight against just existing and think about consciously living.  You know… experiencing every moment.  Revelling in the small things.  Being thankful for all that I take for granted.  Today I will live life by going to karate and spending 2 hours pushing myself to train harder, do more, keep breathing, and fight through the burn in my lungs and ache in my muscles.  I’m actually looking forward to it!

Regret nothing.  This one is probably the hardest for me.  I second-guess myself a lot and wonder how things would be if I had done something differently.  I regret missed opportunities or bad choices.  The truth is, I can’t change those things.  Today I will leave the past in the past, focus on today, and look forward to the future.

So what will I do tomorrow?

Live intentionally. Love hard. Forgive.

Sounds simple. It’s not.

(Those last 3 lines were stolen from Emotional Tornado.  I just can’t say it any better.)