When I first created this blog I wanted it to be 100% anonymous and private. I was more than a bit embarrassed by what I was dealing with, and I wanted to keep most of the people who knew me out of it. Marital problems, sex issues, and all of my deepest thoughts and fears and desires seemed like things I could only share with strangers – the occasional people who were dealing with the same issues and found me with a Google or WordPress search. This was my dark little corner of the world to release my inner demons.
As I grew more confident and secure in myself, I started sharing little pieces of this story with people I love. First my Mom, then others in my family. I made a friend online in an infidelity forum who became a fantastic “real-life” friend (I consider everyone on here a real friend, whether I have met them in person or not, hence the quotes) and an invaluable lifeline. I got counseling, joined a group of women dealing with some of the same things, and slowly started realizing that the more I shared and reached out to others, the stronger I got. It’s funny how letting a little light into this dark corner made things so much easier to process and overcome.
The last step in that was the decision to make this blog a little less private. I include the link on my personal Facebook page, although I don’t really broadcast my posts there. I also have pictures of myself scattered throughout the blog. I’m done hiding from the world, especially the people who care about me. So – my name is Stephanie, I’m 28, and I live just outside of Richmond, Virginia in a little place called Mechanicsville. But you already know that…
If you came here from my Facebook page or because I gave you the information, welcome to my inner life. There are very personal posts on this blog. I talk about sensitive subjects, share things about myself, and my ex-husband that you probably never knew. I may even post some sexually explicit stuff, although I’ll be sure to provide a disclaimer first. I apologize if any of it makes you uncomfortable. If so, feel free to stop reading. No one is obligated to read my story, and I would encourage you not to if the topics are too sensitive or touchy for you. I never want anyone to feel like they’re at a Tupperware party, forced into purchasing something they never wanted in the first place just to be polite. I’m brutally honest on here, and you’re welcome to be the same with me. Or just to pretend this doesn’t exist. Seriously, whatever you want.
If you start reading this and decide you want to follow along, feel free to. If you see me on the street or at a party or a family gathering, don’t feel weird. If you want to comment on what you’ve read here, do. If you’d rather not, then don’t. I share this for me and for the people who have contacted me along the way saying that they can relate. I write to process my feelings, get a bird’s-eye view of my life, and open myself up to everything that the world has to offer. I no longer feel embarrassed or ashamed of what I’ve been through. In fact, I think it is making me a better person. I’m committing to be as open in my personal life as I am on here. I don’t always succeed, but I wouldn’t mind an opportunity to practice. 🙂
Being a Beautiful Mess 
Thank you for sharing your story. I have struggled to put into words what I have experienced in my marriage the past 22 years. It has been a very lonely place that no one else understood. But here you are putting into words exactly what I have experienced. Gives me strength to know, No I am not crazy!
I’m sorry that you’re going through that, but I am glad that my words could provide some level of comfort or support. Being in that kind of situation really does make you feel like you’re losing your mind. You are strong, and you can get out!
help me…
Hi
My husband left our home a couple of months ago. There is every sign he is going through a midlife crisis. It has flipped my entire life upside down, I have found some comfort reading through some posts in this website.
Thank you
I think you are brave. I am still anonymous and that is okay with me for now. If there is one thing I have learned in life recovery it’s that there is no “right” answer, and as you stated, one never truly knows how they will handle the betrayal of infidelity until you are sitting in a state of shock and soul crushing pain. Blessings to you, Stephanie
It is not advisable to submit your phone number online like that. I also do not call men who I don’t know.
Hi, my husband and I just separated a few days ago. I was in complete shock, he like just left with no warning. We had some stuff going on for a few years.
We talked last night and he says he loves me and doesn’t want to give up, that we both needed to get our junk together, and that he’s making no promises that we will work out.
He also doesn’t want to tell me where his new apt is yet, as he thinks I will stalk him(I did that once, before we got married.)
He also has narcissistic behaviors.
I hope you get this reply as I have no idea what to do when separated, like do I not call him, let him call me, etc.
I would like to give you more details as I need someone who has gone through this.
Being separated is different for every couple. It depends what your goals are. The book that really helped me was “Should I Stay or Go?: How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage.” It talks about creating a plan to make your separation accomplish something. It quickly revealed to me that he wasn’t putting forth any real effort and I wanted more. The great thing is it’s customizable and you both agree to what would make you comfortable and what you hope to get out of it.
Hi
I too had the bombshell dropped on me last year ” I love you but I’m not in love with you” shook me to my core. He eventually moved out a couple of months ago and although I have some idea of where he lives he is looking to move elsewhere because of financial commitments and I think because he doesn’t want us to know where he is.
I am in therapy and Trying my best to get through this.
I am in a committee relationship with a wonderful man.
I think you absolutely rock
Thanks. 🙂
I love your openness and honesty. Someday I hope to “come out” with my identity too. With children, I just don’t want to do anything to hurt them. And my ex and his family are so vindictive, I have no doubt they would go to any lengths to make me pay. I may be healing and I have come a long way, but I’m not yet willing to stand up and say let’s the arrows fly. I want to help others with my story… I am trying to confide in some local people and starting up a support group. But I am a little nervous about it. BTW, I am a beautiful mess too! (Love that name 🙂 )
There are still some days when I wish that I was anonymous again. Being open and honest is hard! Especially when people you care about read what you have to say. I find myself wanting to filter more than I did before, and I have to consciously fight it.
I absolutely understand how much children change things. As a parent, they have to be your #1 priority, always. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of that. Avoiding something that you know will cause conflicts is a very smart move because you can’t just cut him out of your life completely like I’ve been able to. It takes a lot of strength to deal with that. A support group is a great idea.
I heard that term – beautiful mess – in a song, and it stuck with me. I have to own my mess, even as I acknowledge that there’s beauty in imperfection.
All of my close friends and family have access to my blog and can read all of the dirt so I know how you feel. I just haven’t come out and told EVERYONE, lol. I’m sure it will get out eventually. My counselor is concerned though. Says that she doesn’t know what my ex is capable of but that she knows he will make me pay, somehow. I just can’t let that scare me… can I? I want to protect myself as much as I can but I don’t want to not share my story (and help my healing process as well as possibly help others).
I think you have to ask yourself if you can accomplish those goals and stay somewhat anonymous (since some friends and family already know). I think you probably can. And that will serve the dual purpose of protecting your children.
How long have you been blogging here?
Since March 2012, so if you have a question about it then I can probably help out.
I’m reading back some stuff, don’t think I’m a stalker! LoL so much and so interesting. I have found WP so good about finding people going through similar things and experiencing the same stuff, I really love it here!
I don’t think that at all. I’m actually really flattered when someone wants to take the time to do that. I have found a lot of really great people through WordPress, too
Im crying. .. You are so strong and forgiving and …virtuous. Deserving and good. .. Im going thro my own thgs too. But i have no family near, And to be frank Stephanie, im having a hard time reaching out, saying “yeah-hii guys! Not doing soo well, just wanted to let u know.” Im trapped yet in the abyss of dreams that will never come true, of lies and pain and soo much
longsuffering and still….Not knowing any other way, Ive become pathetic becuz i get ready to move on!!!!!!and yhen i never make it out the front door
There are many day that I don’t feel like I’m any of the things you said. I’m sorry that you’re going through so much without a support system. Believe me, I’m the poster child for not reaching out and asking for help or letting people know when I’m having a hard time. This last year has taught me a lot about that. I waited two days to tell my Mom, although I did reach out to a friend that I knew would understand almost immediately.
You are not pathetic. Today I was looking back over my indecision and the amount of time I stood paralyzed with fear, like a deer in headlights. I should have made the decision to move on from him BEFORE I even married him. I knew even back then, about a year in, that it probably wan’t the best thing for me – that he was damaged and probably broken, that he couldn’t give me the devotion and fidelity I deserved. But I couldn’t bring myself to move forward, to leave him.
So I just stayed where I was. It was expected that we would get married, so we did. I almost called it off a month or two before hand, then again I chickened out, caved, and did what I was “supposed to” do. Then a year and a half of therapy… There were hundreds of times during those 18 months when I should have been done and wasn’t. Don’t beat yourself up.
I do want you to know this, though… When you finally do get past the fear, when you break your paralysis, it will be freeing. You will be able to breathe like you haven’t in ages. Hell, I didn’t even realize that I couldn’t breathe, that I was smothered by the situation, until I finally got the resolve and courage to break away. It was like someone who gets glasses for the first time and can see that there are leaves on trees. I suddenly got something that I didn’t even know I was missing, and it was so sweet!
Not often women can open up like that? I am talking from a man’s side of things now.Well done! only thing I can say is that the age difference may be the problem, then again people are all different? My complaint is that my wife is not so sexually hungry as when we first got together, but then I put it down to our age? she is 61 and I am 64!!!! scary!!
I try to be a pretty open book. I think more couples should talk about things like sex because you’re probably both thinking about it. Age could be an issue, although many women have very strong sex drives well into their “golden years.” There’s no way to know what it is unless you talk to each other.
You’ve been nominated! For what, I’m not telling you. 🙂 http://paularenee.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/receiving-and-giving-the-shine-on-blog-award/
Thanks for following me 🙂
I look forward to reading more about you!
I hope one day to reveal myself…no longer hide under the cloak of anonymity. That day is not today. I still have to deal with my ex because of our children. So I will have to wait a bit longer, until I am certain that he won’t retaliate and hurt me through them.
It seems that life when an abuser doesn’t stop after the divorce…
I’m right there in your shoes StrongerMe. I could have written this response. It’s tough.
What if I DON’T see you on the street? What’s the protocol for that? 😛
Hmmm… Good question! The protocol then would be to comment on my blog. Hahaha
Finally! I can get something RIGHT!!! hahahahaha
I think it’s great that you see this as a wonderful opportunity to grow and blossom instead of letting it be a “dark corner.” I am not ashamed of my past either because it has made me the person I am today. Granted I am in a very shitty space and pretty damn bitter, but I am working on it. I have a lot to heal from, but I know I will, too, be a better person as I grow.
Can I share a little secret? I knew you were Stephanie a long time ago. 😉
Yeah, I know you did. 🙂
🙂
Oh Oh!!! I know who the “real-life” friend is!!! LOL!!
I’m so so grateful that in such a large world we were able to find each other. I mean, who knew right? You’ve been an amazing amazing friend. I’m grateful for having the pleasure. And knowing thatI can call you, text you or hang out with you at any time makes it that much better.
P.S. we need to hit up that wine bar again.
I know, right? That place was awesome!
I like the name Stephanie!
🙂 Thanks!
YAY Stephanie!!!