It’s Funny What People Will Tell You When They Know Things Are Over

29 Nov

Today at work my Office Manager said that she hadn’t heard me mention how Mr. Mess is doing lately.  I told her that’s because we’re getting a divorce.  At first she was slighty surprised, mostly because she didn’t notice that I haven’t been wearing my wedding rings in some time.  Then, the truth started rolling right out of her lips.

I was able to learn that she knew he had been lying to me about several things for a while.  One thing I had always suspected, but could never get him to admit: Mr. Mess continued smoking the entire time he told me he had quit.  He made a big show of taking Chantix, but only for 2 of the 3 months because it “worked so well.”  The Office Manager was aware because she has also been trying to quit.

Well, it turns out my suspicions (and nose) were right.  She said that she passed him several times turning into or leaving our neighborhood or the grocery store or various other places lighting up, smoking, or tossing cigarettes out of the window.  She is all over this town, and misses nothing (as good gossips rarely do).

Additionally, my Warehouse Manager’s mother lives in my neighborhood.  He visits her regularly to have lunch during the week.  He passed Mr. Mess several times sitting on my front porch smoking.

All that time he was lying through his teeth to me.  I am desensitized to it now, but wonder how many other things like that were complete lies.  Probably more than I could ever imagine.

Just to give you a slight taste of what I’m talking about, let me elaborate a bit on this one lie.  According to Mr. Mess, any time I  smelled cigarettes it was because he walked through a group of people smoking at school.  Or (conveniently) later on because he worked in the catering department on site of one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes.  That suspicious charge in the same exact amount every day at work wasn’t cigarettes, it was a chocolate muffin and a coke.  Riiiiigggghhht!  I knew he was lying.

I even saw evidence from time to time – cigarette butts in the front flower bed (which he acted like belonged to some prowler), wrapping from the outside of a carton in the back seat of the car (which someone else must have left there), ashes on his dashboard (which he claimed was just “dust”), burn marks on the visor of the new car (which he had no idea how they got there), lighters that would magically appear and disappear around the house (which he just “found” leftover from before or were for lighting candles), and the horrible, ever-present smell of cigarettes in his car and on his clothes that he just COULDN’T smell.  Wow…  He must have thought I was an idiot or something to believe his half-assed, poor excuses.

But those lies are just a metaphor for the pitiful, half-assed, poor excuse of a man that he is.  The sad part is that it doesn’t make any sense to lie about that shit.  If he was a man, he would just be one.  Tell the truth.  It’s not that hard to do.  Really.  Want to slowly kill yourself with foul-smelling, cancer-sticks – just say so!  Seriously… why all the (bad) lies?

I think the answer is because at the end of the day he doesn’t have a backbone.  Also, he knows how I feel about cigarettes and couldn’t handle my truth.  If smoking was that important to him, then put that out there and be ready to accept the truth of what’s important to me.  That would require honesty.  And possibly an end to his gravy train.  Which is what I think is ultimately the cause of all of his recent pettiness and temper tantrums.  He actually has to stand on his own two feet now that I’m not picking up what’s he’s putting down.

The other thing that the Office Manager said that really stuck with me is that she should have known I was done with him because of how happy I’ve been lately.  Oddly enough, that was the second time today I had heard something very similar.  My therapist told me that I am the most content, peaceful and happy that he has ever seen me.  It’s true.  I laugh and smile all day long.  I do the things that make me happy.  I am living without lies, and the honesty I’m getting back from the world is amazing.

I told my Office Manager today that the next time she meets someone I’m dating she should let me know if her loser alert starts going off.  Apparently it had been all along with Mr. Mess.  However, I got married very shortly after starting there, and we didn’t have the kind of honest relationship that we have now.   She told me that she was always concerned that he was just using me (ding, ding – you get a cookie!), that he was far beneath what I deserve (right again!), and that I can do much better (amen!).  She committed to full honesty from this point forward, knowing that I can handle it (and won’t fire her – :)).

Somehow I have a feelings that I won’t have that problem again, though.  I’ve had my fill of lying, messed up, immature, irresponsible, uneducated, men who lack ambition, imagination, sex drive, and a future.  I am a stronger, more confident person coming out of this than I was going in.  I know what I deserve, and I’m going to make sure I get it.

22 Responses to “It’s Funny What People Will Tell You When They Know Things Are Over”

  1. Theoden October 7, 2017 at 1:43 pm #

    I wonder it ditching a man only for lying about smoking is such a good idea. Off course lying is the baddest of the two habits, but to think you will get a better man, is possible but not always. Remember you fell for him in the first place, and you have to enter the dating game again. The women and men after long dating will lower their priorities, and poorer quality its also because the pool is getting smaller with age. It also shows you don’t have the real stamina to work hard on the relationship. Or did you like being married. And you coma across like you work harder for your work then for him or any men. What will you do if you face real problems in life, dump. Sorry I wouldn’t give you the girlfriend treatment.
    You also have to talk about your personal problems with colleague. It seems like you don’t have friends and you cannot separate private from business.

    • beautifulmess7 October 7, 2017 at 3:46 pm #

      If fact, he cheated on me multiple times and I tried two years of therapy with him continuing to lie over and over. The smoking was one of about 100 lies that never stopped.

      After I divorced my toxic ex I found someone so much better in every single way. We have been together over four years, are married, and have a child now.

      My standards didn’t lower at all. Instead, I learned that having standards is important and I made honesty a priority. Also, I would never date you, so no worry about giving me the “girlfriend treatment.” Your ideas seem incompatible with a healthy relationship.

  2. MJ December 15, 2014 at 2:32 pm #

    I know this post is old. But this is what I’m dealing with. Hubs of 8 years, together for 12, best friends for over 15. Been lying to me over stupid cigarettes for over 7 years now. It has caused so many more problems and I am left feeling lonely, discouraged, and unable to trust any more. I feel lost.

    • beautifulmess7 December 15, 2014 at 2:35 pm #

      I’m sorry. It is terrible when your partner his and lies about something like that.

  3. emotionaltornado December 3, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

    That last quote is wonderful!

  4. Only Human Man November 30, 2012 at 10:40 pm #

    Hi Miss (no longer) Mess! But sounding very beautiful! 🙂 I’m on a similar journey, and I know that the highs are great, but the journey does have some backward lurches, so just allow yourself the time and space to have them, and then you can move on even further. I’m going out when I don’t have my kids and meeting new people. I have a small list of classes and other things I want to do, which will have to wait until the New Year. But I have already made some great new friends, and my self-worth has been boosted massively! I know that in time (in the right time) I’ll meet someone else who is special and who I can love without losing myself.

  5. rgonaut November 30, 2012 at 11:25 am #

    I’m so glad for you. I can feel your good emotions in your posts. You are doing so many things right.
    One question: how much of a role is physical excercise playing in this change?

    • beautifulmess7 November 30, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

      I don’t know.  I think part of it is that now that I’m not so depressed I have more of a desire to get out and move.  I was already doing karate, but now I’m on an unlimited program and really enjoy having that release in the evenings.

  6. Eric November 30, 2012 at 9:03 am #


    You’re right. Now that I know things are over, I can be honest with you.

    You. Are. Gorgeous.

    We live far apart, but if I were ever to see you, I’d make a bee line straight to you and start flirting. I’d be drawn in by your eyes, like a moth to a flame.


    I’m glad you’re feeling so much better. And, that you’re doing things that make you happy.


  7. Our Journey After His Affair November 30, 2012 at 8:43 am #

    I think what is making you truly happy isn’t just dumping him and all of his baggage, but knowing that you can now seek out the kind of man that you deserve.

    I’m sure it is refreshing and restores your hope. Hope that your life WILL get better.

    • beautifulmess7 November 30, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

      That’s true. Knowing that there are men who will treat me with respect and put me first makes me realize how little I accepted. It can’t be only females who are giving and selfless and kind and genuinely caring toward the people they are with. I got a bad apple. That doesn’t mean I should discount every apple out there because there are plenty that are delicious.

  8. workspousestory November 30, 2012 at 4:41 am #

    I love that quote. And I am so happy that you are such a strong person who knows her own worth – fantastic!

    • beautifulmess7 November 30, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

      I am learning every day about what I am truly worth and what I can be getting out of life. 🙂

  9. Daniel O. Casey November 30, 2012 at 2:45 am #

    To comment on your final pic. Beautiful people are forged from the iron of cosmic creation, and hammered into incredible strength while being passed again and again through the fires of hell. Only then can they be polished and begin to shine with their true beauty. May God Shelter and Bless you. Take care lass. Dan.

  10. pandaqueen1001 November 29, 2012 at 11:00 pm #


  11. wallybear12 November 29, 2012 at 10:56 pm #

    Looking back at the beginning did you have any indication he was this way?
    What are the clues to look for?
    It’s also hard because lie ers can be very deceiving.

    • beautifulmess7 November 29, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

      Going back to the beginning, I don’t know what the signs were. I guess the small things – like the lie I discovered about his job early on. He was very deceiving. He seemed to know what I wanted to hear and made sure to tell me just that.

      Maybe that should have been my clue. Someone who is truly honest with you will say things that you don’t agree with or that you weren’t expecting to hear. They will challenge you. They may make you a little crazy sometimes, but you will know where you stand and where they stand.

  12. journeyman1977 November 29, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

    just one word for your present state of mind….. Awesome. May it snowball 🙂 love the quote.

    • beautifulmess7 November 30, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

      Thanks you! A great friend shared it with me, and it touched me deeply.


  1. I’m Done Paying for His Mistakes « Being a Beautiful Mess - February 14, 2013

    […] When we separated for good I let him know that he needed to get the car in his name or sell it to pay off the loan.  He was always “working on it,” but nothing was ever done and no real effort was ever made.  Finally, on the advice of my lawyer, I gave him until the end of 2012 to get it in his name or surrender the vehicle to me so that I could sell it.  During that time I also became aware of the fact that he was smoking in the vehicle.  I had always had suspicions (and raised them every time I got in the vehicle, as seldom as it was), but got confirmation after we were separated (something I wrote about here). […]

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