Being Worth It

One of my absolute favorite bloggers – Eat My Scabs – did a post today about boundaries:  Step 2: Set Your Boundaries.  She gave a few questions and fill in the blank sentences and challenged us all to complete them.  I loved the exercise and the questions really got me thinking.  I decided to share my answers here on my blog as well as submitting them on her original post.

Introduce yourself, your current obsession and one word to describe your mood today.
I am just another person on this journey to marriage healing.  I have recently realized that I’m codependent, and I’m working to free myself from the tangles of my husband’s sex addiction and focus on me.  My current obsession is with self-expression, especially with my body.  In the last few months I have gotten fuchsia streaks in my hair, a nose ring, and a new tattoo.  I have another tattoo being drawn up right now.  My mood today is a bit morose.  The weather has been dreary, I could have stayed in bed all day, and my husband has taken my recent detachment as license to stop having real conversations with me.

The craziest reaction I got from setting boundaries was… my husband saying “I don’t know what this (gesturing toward me) is all about” and walking out of the house.  He returned home several hours later, but he was not happy with my boundaries.  He didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t going to accept his bad attitude or react by screaming and yelling back.

My favorite boundary and consequence is…  I don’t know yet.  My favorite boundary is honesty in this marriage because it is the one thing I absolutely need the most.  It is also the one my husband seems to be struggling with the most.  As for consequences, I haven’t figured it out all the way.  Right now the consequence is that I won’t share my bed with someone who continues to lie to me.  That consequence will stand until I feel safe again.  When that will happen I have no clue.

My biggest boundary failure was when…  I didn’t stick to my request for him to get individual counseling after I discovered his affair and again after I caught him breaking his word about something important.  Both times I put an expectation out there that I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was unfaithful or who was constantly lying to me.  However, I didn’t set any real consequence (me getting mad at him, being hurt and upset obviously wasn’t enough).  Of course he didn’t go, and I just let it go.  I told myself he was doing other things.  I told myself it was okay, that he was okay.  I told myself everything except what I should have told myself – if he won’t get help then you need to get out.  I paid the price for that after we were married because his lying, hiding ways had been reinforced for years by my lack of action and follow-through.

I got in the biggest trouble when I broke this boundary…  don’t steal.  I was caught shoplifting.  It was an incredibly selfish, stupid decision that I made in a time when my life was out of control.  I had the money to pay for the stuff, I just couldn’t bring myself to splurge on myself, and instead chose to stick it in my purse.  I did pay the price.  Literally – thousands of dollars for a lawyer, restitution and court fees.  I stayed out of jail, but I have a misdemeanor record.  Stupid me!

The most successful boundary/consequence I’ve worked on is…  not doing for others what they should (and can) do for themselves.  I am at peace with saying that I will not accept responsibility for something that is his to deal with.  I am getting much better at not feeling guilty if/when he falls on his face.  I would like to be able to echo what another poster responded with:  “Being willing to say I will not accept blame, lying, anger, or victim behavior from my husband and seeking distance from him when that happens.”  I am still working on this one.  It takes real effort for me to disengage and “seek distance” rather than continuing to respond.

If I could break any social boundary it would be… the understanding that we should all keep up a façade.  Wouldn’t it be nice if “fine” or “great” weren’t the only socially accepted and expected responses to “How are you doing today?”  What if we could all just be honest all of the time?  I bet we would all feel less pressure to be perfect if we had the understanding of how imperfect we all feel all of the time.

My favorite quality in a man is…  honesty (I’m sensing a theme here) and wit.  I love a man who can be unexpected and funny just by telling it like it is.

My favorite quality in a woman is…  genuineness.  I am drawn to women who are straight-forward and confident in themselves just as they are.

If I could go back one decade and change anything is would be…  I missed this question when I was reading the original post.  If I could go back one decade and change something about my 17-year-old self I would be more confident.   I would tell my teenage self that being different is beautiful, it is just fine to be an introvert, you are NOT fat, and trust your instincts because they are good.

I’m terrified that enforcing boundaries will…  result in my marriage failing.

I’m excited that that enforcing boundaries will…  allow me to be my own person and be treated the way that I deserve.

My most elusive boundary questions is…  what is an appropriate consequence f someone breaking one of my boundaries?

Being worth it … gives me the confidence to stand strong in my boundaries.

I hope you enjoyed this little exercise.  Feel free to participate if you would like, either here or on her blog!

Photo Credit – used with permission By SuperDewa

A Holiday, a Tattoo and a Piercing

Happy 4th of July to all!  It is pretty strange that the holiday falls on a Wednesday this year.  It puts a bit of a damper on the celebration since I worked yesterday and have to go back to work tomorrow.  A lot of fireworks shows have been cancelled in my area due to impending weather and the storms we had this weekend.  So what’s a girl to do in order to make the holiday special?  Get a tattoo and a piercing of course!

That’s right.  I left work, headed to the chiropractor, then went in search of a good tattoo parlor.  The first one I went to didn’t have a piercer on staff that night.  Not to be deterred, I headed downtown to a parlor I know has a great piercer and lots of choices for jewelry.  I got there and wasn’t disappointed.  Some quick paperwork and a care instruction lecture later and I had a nose ring!  Here it is:

I was debating between that and a Monroe piercing, which my friend Wendy was kind enough to tell me about.  I asked a few questions about both and decided on the nose ring for a few reasons.  First, the Monroe swells a lot more.  Secondly, I has been a little leery of a piercing through my mouth because I tend to get ulcers a lot – every time I bite my lip or the inside of my mouth.  I couldn’t imagine getting one of those on a new piercing – Ouch!  The most important reason I decided to get a nose piercing, though, is exactly what I commented to Wendy about why I wasn’t sure about it.  My comment to her was,

“I have always been a little leery of nose piercings because I have a little bump on my nose that I tend to be slightly self-conscious about.  I have come to like it and realize that it’s part of my charm and uniqueness…  But I still was never really sure about getting a piercing there.”

I decided to own my nose, little hump and all!  It’s time that I accept the things that make me different and see them as beautiful instead of a flaw (like I starting doing in What Makes Me Beautiful?).  This was a great first step to that.

I had also found a great tattoo that I wanted to get, and asked it there was an artist in that could take care of it for me.  Unfortunately, they only had one guy in yesterday and he had a line of customers waiting for him.  Oh well…  I was just about content with my nose ring.  I texted my Mom and sister showing them.  My sister had a few questions, so I called her up.  In the course of our conversation she told me about another tattoo parlor close to our house that also does piercings.  I thought they were strictly a tattoo place, but she said no.  She also told me that they had a really great artist and reasonable prices.  I decided to swing by there and check it out.

As soon as I walked in I felt at home.  The two guys there were super-cool.  I brought in the photo of what I was thinking about and we got to talking.  I had a few other photos of various other tattoos that I would like to combine the look of to make a custom one.  That is generally all they do, so they were really stoked about the idea.  They took the photos and said in a few days they will have a drawing made up for me.  In the meantime, I headed to the chair to get my turtle tattoo done.  It was pretty close to closing time – about an hour – when I walked in, but the guys there were more than happy to get started and stay a little over if they needed to.  Very cool!

I decided on a turtle again for a few reasons.  I have always loved turtles.  I can’t quite explain it, but I think they are amazing creatures.  They glide through the water with such grace and beauty.  I also love the independence that they have from the day they are born.  There’s nothing quite as difficult as being abandoned on the beach by your mother to struggle from your egg, dig up to the surface through sand, and make your own way to the ocean.  They are resilient and carry their home and protection around with them.  They aren’t incredibly social (like me).  The turtle is also a reminder to get out of my shell sometimes.  Let others in.  Be vulnerable.  Maintain my independence while not blocking others out.  It is a reinforcement of who I am and a positive reminder to keep growing.  Here’s the finished product fresh after it was done:

Keep in mind that it is a little bloody, so the colors aren’t completely showing up right.  The center is actually pink, and I will be going back in a few weeks to get it touched up and have a brighter pink added.  They are going to be ordering a special Chinese ink that is so bright it is almost flourescent.  That is the color in the original photo I brought in, and the artist was already planning to order some because it is apparently the best ink on the market.  I’m also going to get him to tweak a few things.  Overall, I love it!

The experience was very empowering.  It was great to just do something for me.  My head did start spinning at one point in the middle and I actually passed out.  It was quite embarrassing because that has never happened to me before and I have 3 other tattoos.  The reason it happened, though, is because I stupidly went in to get a tattoo when I hadn’t eaten in 6 hours.  I had lunch around 1 and walked in to get my tattoo a little after 7.  I was so busy running around town that I didn’t actually stop and eat something.  Silly girl!  They gave me a Pepsi and some M&M’s.  After a cool towel and about 5 minutes of resting on a massage table I was ready to go again.  The rest of the tattoo went really smoothly.  They are great guys there, and they kept me talking about all sorts of stuff – from zombies (we are kindred spirits) to politics to religion to redneck trailer parks at the beach.  They were my kinda people!  🙂

Today I’m not sure what I’m gonna do.  Other than moisterizing my tattoo every hour and cleaning my nose ring a few times that is.  I have contemplated going shopping, but that seems like it could be a self-defeating mission.  Not only is it over 100 degrees outside (for the 10th day in a row or something like that), but I’m not sure what the department stores will look like today.  I sure do hate crowds.  Whatever I decide to do it will be something that I want to do because it makes me happy.  I hope you do the same!

Opinions People… Please!

I want to do something new and fun.  I’m thinking pink highlights.  I have very dark brown hair that is straight and semi-long (somewhere between shoulder length and way too long).  Here are a few pictures that are kinda like what I’m thinking about…

I love this minus the curls and the blue color. The base is pretty close to the color of my natural hair.

Again, minus the curls, but I like this amount of pink

Pink Highlights (Photo credit: coffeebooksbeer)

I have to admit…  I’m already starting to second guess myself.  Damn it – I like this, though!  I might have to get some clip-in extensions to play with a little bit before I’m ready to commit to this.  I’ve played everything safe in my life so far…  Sometimes I just want to do something crazy just because I want to.  I’m not sure how my boss will feel, though…

Thoughts anyone?

What Makes Me Beautiful?

So yet again, a topic on a forum has given me something to think about.  The question came up, “What makes you beautiful?”  It made me pause.  What does make me beautiful?

Having an unfaithful partner can make you wonder what is wrong with you.  It makes you question whether you are pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough, and the list goes on.  I know in my head that there is nothing about ME as a person that caused my husband’s infidelity.  I understand that his almost non-stop porn viewing habit while he turned me down was not about me, my body, or my sexuality.

Still, I wonder sometimes about my intrinsic value as a person.  It is hard not to be critical of my shape or my weight when I am surrounded every day with media and images that virtually scream that a woman’s worth is directly tied to her beauty.  There is constant advertising that tells women that if they just change this or that they will be desirable, and their whole world will improve.

“Women’s” magazines are plastered with headlines like “lose weight fast,” “get a flat tummy,” and the promise that this haircut, this makeup, or this piece of clothing will fix your flaws.  They even slim down and Photoshop the super models and celebrities who are a size 2 to begin with.  With all of those things constantly barraging us, how do normal women even stand a chance of feeling beautiful?

      

In the same post I mentioned earlier a very good point was brought up.  Someone said, “I want the world to recognize my beauty, but first I have to believe it myself.”  So I asked myself what makes me beautiful to myself?  When I actually started thinking about it I realized that there are a lot of things that I admire and love about who I am right now.  Without changing a single thing.  Here are some of them:

• I have a beautiful singing voice.  It is reminiscent of Martina McBride and Carrie Underwood.  I am a vocal powerhouse.
• I am confident.  I could stand up in front of a crowd of strangers and sing my heart out without fear.  I am also glad to be who I am despite my occasional moments of self-doubt.
• I have beautiful hair.  It is a deep, dark brown that is almost black.  In the sun some of the strands hit the light which brings out auburn undertones.  And it is completely natural.  I don’t ever have to touch a bottle of dye.
• I am unique.  I am who I am, and it is different from everyone else.  I have come to embrace my quirky.
• I am devoted to my family.  They are the most important people to me, and I show it all the time in many different ways.
• I have a very womanly body.  It is curvy, well-proportioned, and looks great in a pair of jeans because I have an ass that fills them out wonderfully.
• I am smart.  I graduated from college Summa Cum Laude.  On a full scholarship.  While working full-time.
• I am ambitious.  I bought my house when I was 19.  I am driven to be the best.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it will be good things because I won’t accept any less.
• I have a little hump on my nose.  I used to hate it because I thought it was a flaw.  Now I see it as part of my unique beauty.  It gives me character.
• I have freckles that come out strong in the summer.  Again, I used to hate these.  Now I find them endearing.
• I have a beautiful spirit.  I keep pushing through things no matter how hard they get.
• I am compassionate.  I feel other people’s pain and can empathize with what they are going through.  Some people can’t do that – my Dad being one of them.
• I am an adventurous soul masquerading as a home-body.  I love to travel, see new places, and experience new cultures.  At the same time I am always glad to come home and curl up on the couch.
• I am strong.  I am finding the strength to get through this bad situation.  Every day I realize this a little more.

That is certainly not an exhaustive list, but I think it’s a great place to start.  I already feel better about myself.  This also reminded me of another great song from Sara Evans that I blasted from my radio for a few months:

It became my mantra – I’m getting a little bit stronger.  I’m done relying on him for my feelings of worth.  I have everything I need inside of me already.  I know now what I will and won’t accept.  I know that I will be okay no matter what happens.  There is nothing he can do to take my beauty away or make me feel like I’m not enough.  Because I am.

This might be really hard for some of you, but tell me, what makes you beautiful?

Related articles

• Are You Beautiful? (angelashella.wordpress.com)
• Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (cdturner.wordpress.com)
• When the world says beauty is actually “size 6″!! (endlessmargrita.wordpress.com)
• What is beauty? (theladycave.me)