I got in the car today to drive to therapy, and this song started playing. It is the perfect song for me right now, and I put it on repeat and blasted it all the way there and all the way home.
This music really hits me close to home. I’ve put the lyrics to this song below and highlighted the words that are speaking to me right now.
If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path When we just wanna be free
I will not waste my days Making up all kinds of ways To worry about some things That will not happen to me
So I just let go of what I know I don’t know
And I know I’ll only do this by Living in the moment Living my life Easy and breezy With peace in my mind With peace in my heart Peace in my soul Wherever I’m going, I’m already home Living in the moment
I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done I let my past go past And now I’m having more fun I’m letting go of the thoughts That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
And if I fall asleep
I know you’ll be the one who’ll always remind me To live in the moment To live my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind I got peace in my heart Got peace in my soul Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I can’t walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure And I was denied the future I’d been searching for But I spun around and searched no more By living in the moment Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I’m living in the moment I’m living my life Just taking it easy With peace in my mind I got peace in my heart I got peace in my soul Oh, wherever I’m going, I’m already home I’m living in the moment I’m living my life Oh, easy and breezy With peace in my mind I got peace in my heart I got peace in my soul Oh, wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I’ve been reading the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? that our marriage counselor used for the basis of out controlled separation. My two airplane rides gave me a chance to really dig in and get more insight. One thing the author suggests is that if one person is interested in seeing what else is out there, the controlled separation time should be used for that. The guideline is that if one person wants to date other people and the other doesn’t, the person who does want to date should get that option.
At first I was confused and negative about that idea, but this week really opened my eyes. I honestly didn’t think there was anything out there that could be better until I met great, quality people with character who I connected with. Suddenly, I could understand the value of dating other people. This is a time to figure out if this marriage is what’s best for me, after all. How can I know that without opening my eyes to other possibilities?
I told Mr. Mess yesterday that I would like to date other people while we are separated. I told him that I want to make connections and try out new things. He isn’t taking it well. In fact, he is showing me exactly what kind of person he really is, and it’s not pretty.
His immature, manipulative reaction is to start texting my family – my Dad and my Mom and probably others as well. He refused to listen to what I actually have to say and started accusing me of going after one of his friends (who is very sweet, has been great to connect with, but who I am not involved with in any way whatsoever other than friendship). He started playing games and sending nasty texts and acting like a 5 year-old. I know he is angry and hurt. He has a right to be. It just shows me that he can’t think about anyone else for even one second.
Here is just a sampling of our exchanges:
Him: “So why dont you say you want a divorce because i dont want to date anyone and your wanting to tells me you are looking to move on”
Divorce does seem like that is where things are headed, but I told him, “I have always been looking to move on. I’m just done waiting for you to join me, step up, be an adult & give me what I deserve. So I’m going to make my own happiness – whatever it may be & where ever it may lead me.”
His response was a passive-aggressive jab – “Wow i see you have heeded doctor [MC]’s advice and not use text messages for this type of conversation.”
He has a point. I agreed to that. I can own my shit. Rather than address my valid concerns, though, he just brushed them off and made it all about him.
My response: “Sorry about that. I didn’t want to not be honest about my feelings. You also havent taken any initiative to coordinate face to face contact. After over a month of separation, I didnt want to wait any longer to tell you.”
His response: A string of childish texts naming his friends or people I know that he is convinced I now want to start “screwing.”
Me: “No. Sorry you are hurting.”
Him: “Right i can tell you are… lets see you get back to town and tell me you want to start sleeping around no [beautifulmess] im not hurting im seeing everything clearly now.” Then more crap about going to see someone and give them his blessing to sleep with me.
Me: “I dont know why you dont believe me but I dont lie to you & I have no plans to date ____.”
Him: “Yeah i know [beautifulmess] you just keep things from me until you feel it is to your advantage to tell me.”
Me: “I dont know what I’ve kept from you. If you havent seen me begging for years for a committed, honest relationship with someone who appreciates me then its not because I have been hiding anything.”
“This week just made me realize how free & happy I can be & how much life has to offer.”
“I really do hope you are seeing things clearly. I know you are angry. It is not my intention to cause that.”
Him: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Me: “Look I know you are mad but its been over a month now that we’ve been separated & nothing has changed. You’ve barely made any effort & I am realizing I can’t pause my life waiting for you to step up. Maybe if you read my blog you would understand.”
Whatever. There has been more and more and more crap that I could go into, but I’m getting tired of it all. With his last move texting my family that I won’t give him the time to get better because I can’t wait for him and other poor me crap, I have just had it. I’ve been trying and trying and trying for the last year and a half years since all hell broke loose in March of 2011 and I drew my line in the sand – get help, get better, or get out. I’ve done nothing BUT wait. Now I have to keep moving forward.
I truly am sorry that he is so hurt and angry about it all. As much as he doesn’t believe me, I hope he does get better. That hope is now just based on the fact that I care about him, not on my fantasy that he can be what I need. I’m sorry he’s miserable. I simply refuse to be any more.
This week I am traveling for work. I am participating in an excellent training program that is keeping me very, very busy from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm every day. A new saleswoman that I hired in June also came down here with me. We have a nice 2 bedroom, 2 bath suite with a shared living room, dining room and kitchen. The best feature – our fireplace!
After class every night all 15 of us at training go down to the hotel lobby where they have a “social.” The hotel provides dinner, buffet-style, and an open bar with free beer and wine. The wine is really crappy, but after a few beers it doesn’t really matter. Last night we drained the keg dry in less than an hour. Tonight they said that they are prepared for us. 🙂
Although I will probably not post for the rest of the week, I wanted to assure you that it is because I’m having too much fun. It is freeing to enjoy myself, take some “me” time, and sing duets in the hotel lobby. If that last comment got you confused, let me explain. There are some incredibly interesting people here with me. One particular man in his 60’s was a professional bull rider, a champion pool player, and is a fellow country-music singer. His repertoire includes songs from much older artists than I am familiar with (from back before I was even born); however, he has a great voice and we have found a few songs we both know.
So the rest of this week I will be learning lots, growing in my career, and building relationships with other people in this industry. I’ve already gotten one job offer. I’m not looking to move right now, but one day I will. It’s never too early to start building towards your future. I know that mine will be bright no matter what happens in my marriage. I hope it will be bright for my husband, too. I also hope our growth brings us together, not apart. That ball is in his court right now.
This post will probably be a mishmash of lots of things. First, I realize that even though I posted twice yesterday I never mentioned what I did for myself. The answer is that I dressed up for absolutely no reason. I wore a pretty floral dress, did my hair and make-up, and put on my pearls. I wore these adorable new high-heeled Crocs I have that are brown with pink insoles. I felt gorgeous all day. Now if only I could find my sparkly silver nail polish!
Today I’m not sure what I’m going to do for myself. I already downloaded the Thompson Square CD (actually MP3), and have been listening to it at my desk and in my car. I will be sharing my current obsession with you later in this post. I also officially put in for a vacation week today. I will be taking a full week to do nothing except relax, have fun, and take care of myself. I’m planning a haircut, possibly a new tattoo, plenty of sleeping-in, and maybe a shopping trip or day adventure somewhere. It’s Friday, though, so I’m going to do at least one more thing for myself today. 🙂
This week I have started realizing the real value in focusing on me. This past Saturday I went to my first ever S-Anon meeting. It was a really great experience. In our area SA and S-Anon meet at the same time in the same location. The Saturday morning meeting is one that my husband has decided to go to, and last week I made the leap and decided to go along. Since starting Codependent No More I have a completely different perspective on myself. It shined a light on the fact that I have plenty to work on, too.
So, back to last Saturday. The SA meeting seemed to be pretty packed judging by the number of men I saw coming into the building and slipping into the room where Mr. Mess went. They all seemed to be fairly early, too. Yet, here I was, the lone woman. We were pretty early ourselves, so I wandered down the hall to a table with information and brochures. It seems like this place has a group, 12-step meeting for everything. Everything, I tell you! They have SA, S-Anon, AA, Al-Anon, Overeaters Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous (never seen that one before), Gambling Anonymous, and maybe even a few others that I can’t remember.
Anyway… The scheduled time of the meeting 9:30 am quickly approached, then passed with no other women appearing. I was fairly certain I had the right room, and I knew I had the right place and time since I was staring right at the schedule on one of the flyers. There was really only one entrance, so I was also pretty confident I didn’t miss anyone. Conveniently, the number for the group contact person was on said flyer. I gave her a call at that number, and the answering machine listed another number (her cell) as the best place to reach her. I called that, and a cheerful woman answered and quickly assured me that she was in the parking lot, and she just caught sight of a few other women walking in. Leave it to women to be fashionably late for their own support group!
Sure enough, within a few seconds two women walked in. We made our way to the designated room (the one I thought it was), and quickly turned on the A/C to try and combat the humid stickiness in the air. Not too long after a third woman appeared. It was the one I had talked to on the phone. We started chatting a bit as everyone got settled. Funny enough, I wasn’t the only newbie. There was one other first-timer in the room as well.
Since there were just as many newcomers as old-timers at this meeting, they decided to do a welcome meeting. They didn’t have any extra white books with them, but I had brought my own 12 steps and the women were very willing to share for readings. Another lady came in during the initial introduction and reading of the 12 steps and 12 traditions.
I won’t bore you with all of the minute details, but I will say that everything really resonated with me. Some of the readings had some hard truths that I will have to dig into more before I really know how I feel, but overall it was a comfortable, uplifting experience. Each of the women shared some of their story, what brought them there, how long they have been in recovery, where they are on their personal journey, and that sort of thing. Their stories all touched some part of my experience. The other newbie was in tears basically the entire time.
Another woman showed up about half-way through, and shared her story as well. Both of us first-timers also shared, although we didn’t have to. Everyone was extremely supportive. I could tell immediately that this was a group of women who wouldn’t let each other get caught up with the addict. Crying, anger, and other emotions are definitely welcomed, but wallowing, blaming, and focusing on the sexaholic instead of ourselves is a no-no. No one really had to say that, it was just the vibe in the room. We are here for us. We can’t change them. But we can strengthen ourselves, set boundaries, decode our codependent behavior, and change our own patterns. It was empowering.
I got a list of other women in the program with their email, phone numbers, and whether they text or not. I supplied them with all of my information. At the end there were hugs all around. I didn’t know these women, but already I felt connected. They can understand me. They are me, in some ways. All it took was one meeting, and I know this is where I belong. I am already encouraged that I will be going with another person to their first meeting on Monday.
I was resistant to the idea that there was anything I needed to do, since this is “his problem.” Now I know differently. I know that there are things I can do – for me. To get healthy. To have a better response. To feel complete, worthy, and lovable. To stop making the same bad choices, to get off the roller-coaster, to feel at peace. I can do it. I also read something yesterday that I understand in a way I couldn’t have at the beginning of this process:
“I know now that I can’t choose to love or not love DH [dear husband] but I can choose to have him in my life or not.”
It’s true. I don’t have control over what he does. I don’t have control over his commitment to me. I don’t have control over whether he cheats on me again. I don’t have control over whether he lies to me. I also don’t have control over the fact that I love him. It’s just a fact at this point. I do, however, have control over whether I accept his behavior and allow it in my life. Everything else is up to me – my happiness, my boundaries, my self-esteem, my mental and physical health. He can’t control those things, either.
So, today I am feeling encouraged and inspired. I am smiling, tapping my foot, and jamming to wonderful music right now. That is how I want to go through life. Speaking of fantastic music, I promised earlier that I would share the song I can’t stop singing along to all day. Here’s the video:
And here are the beautiful lyrics that are really speaking to me today:
Tryin’ to live and love
With a heart that can’t be broken
Is like tryin’ to see the light
With eyes that can’t be opened
I think I am finally realizing this. I have to put my heart out there to possibly be broken again, no matter what course my life takes.
I’ll let you look inside me
Through the stains and through the cracks
And in the darkness of this moment
You see the good in that
I have just as many issues and problems. They aren’t the same because we have taken different paths to get here. I have to be just as open about my stains and cracks, and work on mine.
We may shine, we may shatter
We may be pickin’ up the pieces here on after
We are fragile, we are human
We are shaped by the light we let through us
But we break fast ’cause we are glass
True and very profound. We are shaped by the light we let through us, so I’m going to let as much light through me as possible. I’m going to stay positive. I’m going to remind myself that I am human.
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Being a Beautiful Mess 